130. Chapter 130

"So, where do we start?"

Derek bit back a chuckle at the serious expression on his wife's face. She sat sideways on the couch facing him, leaning against the arm of the couch with her legs crossed in front of her. Her oversized pajama pants, pink tank top and mismatching socks were in total juxtaposition to the serious expression on her face.

"I don't think there's a specific place to start."

She huffed and scrunched her face in annoyance, which only served to make her look even more adorable. Not that he'd ever admit to viewing her as adorable. But she was. Adorable. All annoyed and serious and dressed like that.

When he didn't verbally respond to her huff, she huffed again and reached for the large, steaming mug of coffee that she'd placed on the coffee table. Unfortunately for Derek, the sight of her sipping from the I My Husband mug he had put in her stocking that Christmas pushed him over the edge. He laughed out loud before he could help it.

She glared at him over her mug. "Can you try to take this seriously?"

"I think you're taking this a little too seriously," he said lightly.

"No, I'm not," she argued flatly. "We were supposed to talk about this in the fall, but we didn't. and then we were supposed to talk about it at the beginning of the week, but we got paged in for that emergency. It's February, Derek. And we need to talk about this. We're not working today and we're not on call, so there's very little chance we'll get interrupted. So we are going to talk about this. Today." Still clutching the coffee near her chest, she narrowed her eyes as she stared him down.

He shifted on the couch so that he mirrored her position to show her he was taking this talk seriously. "You're right. We've put it off for a long time and today is the perfect time to talk about it."

She nodded, moving the mug so it was resting it in her lap, both hands still gripping tightly like a life line. "Thank you."

"But I think you're taking this a little too seriously, Mer." He added.

"How so?"

"People have kids all the time. We don't need a long and serious conversation about it-"

"Yes, we do," she cut in. "It's important."

"It's important," he agreed. "But it doesn't need to be so...structured." His gaze glanced towards the note pad she had set on the coffee table.

She clenched her jaw and glanced away from him, silent.

"What?"

She sighed and looked back to him. "This is the most important thing we're ever going to do, Derek."

"Have this conversation?" He joked.

"Have a baby," she countered, ignoring his attempt to lighten the mood.

Despite the tone of the room, he couldn't help the smile that came to his lips at his wife referring to their future child.

"We can't screw this up, Derek," she continued in his silence. "We need to make sure we don't screw it up."

"We won't."

"That's why we need to talk about this."

"People have kids all the time and figure things out and everything works out okay."

"And other people damage the crap out of their kids because they want different things."

His heart tugged at her tone as he realized where her seriousness was coming from.

"And those kids grow up to be resentful and damaged and incapable of so many things."

Derek leaned forward and tugged the coffee out of her hands. She allowed him to do so, but put her hand up when he tried to shift closer to her.

"No," she said, her hand against his chest as he tried to hug her. "If I let you hold me, I'll feel all warm and gooey and allow you to convince me everything's going to just be okay and-"

He pushed past her hand and wrapped his arms around her. She was tens in his arms, but didn't push him away again. "I'm insisting on a hug, but I'll make it short."

She exhaled a laughing breath at his tone and hugged him back.

Arms still around her, he pulled back far enough to meet her eyes. "Now, let's get one thing straight. Everything is going to be okay. I get it. I come from a world where having kids - and lots of kids at that - is normal and expected and not something to be concerned about. You come from a world where..." He trailed off as he fought for words to describe what he knew she felt. "Well, you know what can happen when parenting goes bad."

"I just want to make sure we do this right."

"Because it's the most important thing we'll ever do," he echoed her earlier words. "Start a family. Be parents."

"Yes."

"I believe that, too. It's the most important thing. Having kids, having a family."

"I want it, Derek," she told him. "I want it so much. I just need to make sure we do it right."

"We will," he promised. "We love each other. We're in a stable and loving marriage. And we will love any and all children we're lucky enough to have. That's the most important thing. No matter how many kids we have, or how planned they are or are not, or when we have them, we will love them so much."

Meredith's eyes welled with tears, making his heart clench almost painfully in his chest. He wanted desperately to crush her to his chest, but he needed to meet her eyes for this.

"Our kids will never doubt that they are loved and wanted, Mer. Never. I promise."

This time it was her who pulled him back into a tight hug. "That's all I want," she whispered into his shoulder. "I want that so much."

"We're going to be good parents. Whether that's soon or a few years down the road, we're going to be good parents. And our kids will be loved and wanted." He'd say it as many times as she needed to hear it. His wife was incredibly strong. Her strength had allowed her to overcome her childhood, but her early experiences and memories had made their mark. Regardless of how much freer she was now, she would never be able to do something as significant as start a family without thinking of everything that could go wrong and take steps to prevent them. "They'll never doubt it, Mer. Never. I promise."

She took a deep breath, her ribcage expanding in his arms. "You're right," she whispered fiercely.

He pulled back far enough to meet her eyes again. "Okay, now that we've established that I was right, when do you want to start trying?"

She laughed and swatted at his chest. "I'm so glad being right is what you took from that conversation..."

He pressed a quick kiss to her lips. "I try." He smiled warmly at her, happy simply for having been able to make her laugh.

She laughed again. "So...we still need to talk about...things."

"Yes." He agreed easily.

"And you don't think there's any...order?"

"No. I think we just discuss what we want and see where that takes us."

"And we both have to be open about what we want and think."

"Agreed."

She took a breath. "Okay, so...?"

He pecked her lips. "How soon do you think we should start trying?"

She made a face before playfully shoving him away. "I told you that you can't hold me when you ask me that. It makes me all warm and gooey and not rational."

He laughed as he sat back against the arm rest, leaving his legs stretched out in front of her so that his toes touched her knees as she sat cross legged on the other side of the couch. "Is that better? Can we talk about it now?"

She shook her head. "Still feeling the remnants of warm and gooey. Let's start with something else."

He shook his head as he fought the urge to move back towards her again. "Too irresistible?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Yes. It makes me want to just start trying right now, but that negates the point of having this conversation." She said the comment with a laugh in her voice, but her eyes stayed evenly trained on his, so he knew it was more than a joke.

"Okay, then let's start with...how many?"

"That's a good place to start."

He nodded.

"What do you think?" She asked.

"Not four girls and one boy."

She laughed. "That still leaves a lot of options open."

"Okay; not one boy and four or more girls."

She rolled her eyes. "Not helpful," she huffed at him.

He smirked and shrugged as if to say you asked.

She glared at him and raised an eyebrow.

"Sometimes I loved having such a large family and sometimes I hated it. As much as my sisters drive me crazy, I love them all. But overall, I think I'd rather have less than five. Plus, five takes a long time to have and..." He trailed off for a moment trying to form the right words. He didn't often feel older than his wife, but in actual fact her age rounded to thirty and his to forty. And he wanted to be there for his kids. "And I'm not exactly getting younger."

She placed her hand on his ankle and squeezed. "You're not old, Derek."

"Thanks for that," he told her. "But if we had lots of kids, even if we started fairly soon and had them fairly close together, I'd be nearing fifty and..."

"And that's old to have a new baby."

"Exactly. What do you think?"

"I hated being an only child. I was lonely. And now that I have Lexie in my life...I kind of really like having a sister."

"So, not one."

"Not one." She agreed. "And not five."

He nodded. "And not five."

"So, between two and four."

"We're surgeons. You'll be less busy when you're finished your residency, but we'll still be busy. The more kids we have, the more time we'll need to make. We need to be able to balance work and home."

"Without neglecting anyone at home," she said with the knowledge of what that felt like. She knew how easy it was to not even make time for one.

"Three or less means we all fit in a car."

She laughed. "That shouldn't be a criteria."

He shrugged. "I'm just saying."

"And what about the poor kid who always gets stuck in the middle seat in the back?"

"That was me growing up. The middle seat in the back bench seat of a mini van."

She laughed. "See? And you still resent that."

"So, an even number. Fits comfortable and equally in a car or a van."

"I am so not driving a mini van. Not happening. Not ever."

He laughed at her insistence. "An SUV, then."

"Maybe."

He laughed and shook his head. "I think we've gotten off topic...The point was to talk about kids, not cars."

"I think two is a good number," she volunteered. "No one's alone and no one's overwhelmed. We can balance our time and-"

"No one gets ignored."

"Yes."

"I think two's a good number, too," he agreed.

"And we can re-evaluate once we have two," she said, surprising him.

"Re-evaluate?"

She shrugged. "I don't think we should shut down the option of more than two now. I think we should just plan for two and then...re-evaluate if we want more. Is that okay?"

"That's most definitely okay. I would have a hundred kids with you."

She rolled her eyes. "How is five too many, but one hundred is fine?"

"It's a figure of speech."

"Whatever. You want a hundred; you're pushing 96 to 98 of them out of your vagina."

He laughed. "On second hand..."

"So, two?"

"Two," he agreed, making to move towards her.

"No," she demanded, holding up her hand. "No touching until we're done talking about this."

He grumbled as he sat back, poking her in the shin with his toes. He just really wanted to touch her, hold her, kiss her. She was right; this was an incredibly important conversation. They were discussing their future, having a family. And that made him feel warm and gooey - not that he'd ever admit that to her - and feeling warm and gooey made him want to touch her. "Fine. Can we talk about when now or are you still too warm and gooey?"

"Still too warm and gooey."

"Then what next?"

"Where are we going to live? I mean, I love it here. But do we want to raise kids in an apartment?"

"Maybe while they're little. When they're older, we're going to want land so they can run around, play games. Tire themselves out during the day so they don't keep us up all night." He joked.

"We could have a swing set."

"And a tree house. I always wanted a tree house."

She smiled at him. "That sounds really nice. I can imagine that up on your land. The dream house we talked about."

"Our land," he corrected gently.

"Our land," she echoed.

"I agree. But I think we should wait until you're done your residency before we build the house."

"Why?"

"Because you'll get offers. Fellowships. Attending positions. You're very good Mer, so you'll be in high demand. I don't want you to feel obligated to stay here if something better comes up."

"What about you?"

"I'm the best. I can get a job anywhere."

She laughed. "And so modest about it."

"I'll go anywhere with you and make it work."

"No. I'll get offers and you'll make calls and we'll decide together where is best for us."

"Agreed." He lifted his foot, which she took with a roll her eyes and 'shook' like a handshake.

"That's still a long time from now."

"Not really. Less than three and a half years left in your residency. That means at most we'd have a two and a half year old."

"That makes it seem a lot shorter."

"And it'll go by really fast."

"And if we have kids before then, we have the spare room."

"And the office can be converted if it needs to be."

She bit down onto her lower lip as she considered. "So, I guess we're saying we're moving out of here regardless after I finish my residency."

"If we stay in Seattle, we don't have to. But it would be better if we have kids to have a house and a yard. And a swing set and a tree house."

"Do you think we should wait until I'm finished my residency? To start trying?"

Derek drew a slow breath as his wife breached the most important part of the topic they needed to discuss. This was the part where he needed to be objective to their situation as a whole, to her situation. And that may require hiding some of his enthusiasm from her. Because he wanted kids with her desperately and he was ready now. But it wasn't fair to put that on her when she still had so much training ahead of her. If it was best to wait out the remaining three and a half years of her residency, that's what they would do. And he was determined not to make her feel guilty about it. "What do you think?" He deflected.

She shrugged. "I don't know. It's like you said; we're surgeons. Our life is never going to be quiet and full of free time." She paused before looking to him. "How much more time did you have when you finished being a resident?"

"The first couple years of my residency I think I had progressively more free time. As a senior resident I think I actually had more time than when I became a fellow."

Meredith sighed at that, drawing his attention. "It's never going to be the right time, is it? The busyness won't just end when I'm done my residency. I could spend years doing fellowships."

"That's right," he said evenly as he envisioned that line being pushed another year or two into the future to account for a fellowship. He swallowed hard when his mind automatically did the math and told him how old he would be. Three and a half years of residency. A couple years of fellowships. Reasonable time spent trying. Nine month pregnancy. His age would definitely not be rounding to 40 anymore. "Even if you go straight into an attending position, there will be time to adjust; probably a year or two of extra work." He tried to give her the most objecting answer that he could. She needed to know all of the information.

Her gaze shot down to her lap as she played with the rings on her left hand. He gave her the time to process the information, knowing she wasn't avoiding any of this, but simply needed the time to think. It was how she worked. When she lifted her head back up to meet his gaze, she still looked pensive.

He offered her a supportive smile, silently communicating he wasn't disappointed by any of her concerns.

"That's a really long time to wait," she ventured. "Even with only two kids after all that wait, you'd be getting close to fifty."

"This isn't about me," he said, ignoring the bitter stab of pain at her verbalizing his earlier thought. After watching his sisters start families in their twenties, he'd stopped believing he'd ever become a father when he approached his mid thirties and Addison had continued to put off the conversation he was having now with Meredith.

"Of course this is about you," she said with a huff. "It's about us. You and me. This can't only be about me and my schedule."

He swallowed hard. "I know that, Mer. But this is your career that would be affected, not mine. You deserve the chance to take every opportunity you want. Just like I had those opportunities. You can do anything with your life now." He paused for a moment, his chest tight with both want for the future and the need to make things fair for his wife. "I went through the residency and the fellowships and the years to settle into an attending role. My career won't be affected by having kids. But yours could. So, this has to be more about you."

She considered him for a long moment before she exhaled a shaky breath.

Derek cocked his head as he watched her eyes fill with tears. "Mer..." He breathed. He'd made her cry. He hated when she cried. It made his chest ache and his body yearn for hers.

She moved towards him, tucking herself sideways between his legs so that she leaned back against the couch and sideways into his chest. "I love you so much," she whispered, settling against him.

He held his arms out away from her. "Does this mean I'm allowed to hug you?" He joked, trying to stop her tears.

She giggled as she nodded and he quickly wrapped her into a tight hug.

Pressing a kiss to the side of her head, he closed his eyes and sighed. "You make me so happy. My life is already so full with you in it," he told her, prepared to tell her he'd wait forever. That he was satisfied just to be with her. That he'd never blame or resent her. "I'm willing to wait for as long as you need. Really, Mer, I am. I can't change my age, but-"

"I don't want to wait," she said, cutting him off and stealing the breath from his lungs.

"I...what?"

She twisted to meet his eyes. "I don't want to wait," she repeated. You were right. You said I can take any opportunity I want and do anything I want with my life. And what I want is to have a family."

"Meredith," he managed to murmured through his suddenly narrowing throat.

"I want this more than I want to spend a hundred hours a week at the hospital. I want this more than I want to be the best surgeon out there. It's more important. Having a family to come home to is more important; you taught me that."

"So, you're saying..." He prompted, his head beating furiously against his ribs with the anticipation he was struggling to keep in control.

"I don't want to wait," she repeated her earlier statement. She paused and cocked her head at him. "Is that okay?"

He opened his mouth to respond, but couldn't manage to verbalize a single word.

"I mean, your sisters had kids during training and residencies and even med school, right?"

He managed a nod. Still no words.

"Then it can clearly be done successfully. And if there's never going to be a good time and we both clearly want it now, then I really don't see the point in waiting."

He forced the words out that he needed to ask. Needed to hear her answer. "So, you're not just saying you don't want to wait to the end of your residency. You're saying...now."

"Yes."

"And you...you want this." Not really a question. He just needed to confirmation. One more time.

"So much," she said so quietly and yet so fiercely it almost stole his breath again.

He managed to swallow down some of the thickness in his throat. "And you're not just saying that because I'm hugging you and you're warm and gooey?"

She laughed openly in his arms and his heart soared at freeness in the sound. "I've been thinking about it for a while," she admitted. "I just want to talk about the important things first. And you were right. The most important thing is that our kids will be loved and wanted."

"They'll never doubt that," he promised.

"Then we can deal with anything else. Busy schedules. Possible fellowships and moving."

"And minivans."

She glared at him, though her eyes were sparkling. "Never," she reiterated. "That's a deal breaker."

He laughed and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. "SUV, then."

She smiled at him. "It may be hectic, but we'll make it work, right?"

"We can make anything work," he assured, feeling the confidence in them bubble up within him.

"You can spend more time at home for the first couple years if we need it, right? You spend extra time at the hospital now because-"

"Because you do," he finished for her. "I spend a lot more time than my contract requires. I'll start insisting now that Richard hires another neurosurgeon so I don't feel pressured to be around so much. I'll make it clear I won't be putting in so much time down the road."

"It would just be for a couple years," she stated.

He hugged her tight, reading her tone. "And having a busy job won't make you a bad mother," he told her. "It's your priorities and your attitude that matter." He caught the underside of her jaw with his index finger and tilted her head to kiss her. "Our kids will be the luckiest kids in the world because you'll be their mom. That won't change because you need to spend extra time at work."

"You really think so?"

"Oh, I know so. Without a doubt. You're not anything like your mother was."

She kissed him softly. "Thank you, Derek."

"No, thank you," he mumbled against her lips. "You're amazing, Mer, and you make me so happy."

"You make me happy, too." She pulled away and shifted from sitting sideways to straddle his lap. "So, do you think that's everything we need to talk about?"

His hands found her hips. "Yes, I think so."

She pulled off her tank top and then leaned in close, her lips inches from his. "Well, then I propose we see how many times we can try before we go back to work tomorrow."

"Agreed."

AN: This chapter took a lot of time to get to where I wanted it, so I hope it was what everyone was expecting/hoping for. If I'm not taking this version of Meredith and Derek through season 5 and beyond, I really wanted to get them started on their future before I let them go.

Oh, and I hope everyone really likes the joke about Meredith and minivans. This stems from a review from a oneshot I wrote almost 6 years ago called Far From the Tree. In the story I mentioned Meredith driving a mini van and the reviewer (McLovinMcDreamy) thought it was hilarious. I hadn't put any thought into the vehicle choice, so when it was pointed out, I had a good laugh, because mini van truly does not scream Meredith Grey. Anyway, that comment has stuck in my head all this time waiting to make it into this story (though I think it also featured in Here We Are).

I think just one more chapter to go...already in the works. Still not sure if the next chapter will stand on its own or include the epilogue - I will make sure to let you know at the beginning of the chapter. Both sad that I'm near the end and looking forward to completing this story after so much time.

Just one more thing - you may notice I have also posted a new oneshot for the show 'Castle.' Just wanted to say that I'm not jumping ship and this has nothing to do with this story coming to an end. I still entirely plan on continuing HWA once WYB is complete. That being said, I may also continue to write more for Castle. It's a great show and if you haven't seen it, I'd recommend giving it a try.