80 Always

I rolled over in bed, my eyes feeling heavy and sore, my sinuses swollen and irritated. I felt weak and dizzy as I went to sit up in bed. I know this feeling all too well. I didn't eat last night so my blood sugar has plummeted. I fumble with my bedside drawer and pull out a dried fruit bar that I keep for these purposes. Knowing my bladder will just have to wait until the bar hits my bloodstream, I sit back up against the headboard. I start when I see Jackson's body on the bed. 

When did he get here? I didn't even feel him when I got up. I was not sure if he was awake or not but his breathing was even and normal for when he slept so I decided to leave him be. Feeling brave enough to try to head to the bathroom to relieve my screaming bladder, I stand on shaky legs and get to the toilet. The relief became intense enough I groaned. 

"You alright in there?" Jackson's voice calls out from the bedroom making me jump.

"Yes." I croak out, my voice sounding like gravel. I finish up and turn on the shower to wake my self up a bit more. I need some more time before I face him too. I have no idea how this day is going to go and I need to prepare my heart for it, what ever that may be. 

I'm rinsing my hair of shampoo when I feel his presence enter the shower with me. 

What do I say? What should I do? 

His arms wrap around my waist and he pulls me closer to him before he helps finish washing my hair out for me. When I open my eyes, he's just watching me, his face a blank canvas and his eyes bottomless. He doesn't say anything, just stares at me, his eyes filling with emotions that I can't identify as they swirl and shift constantly. Then I hear it before I recognize what's happened. A strangled sob escapes his chest before he closes his eyes and a tear escapes them. He pulls me closer, lifts me by my thighs and presses me into the wall. 

"Jackson?" I feel his fingers caress under my thighs, as his breathing is labored from reigning in his emotions. 

He lays his head in the crook of my neck, laying soft kisses on my skin, trailing them to my collar bone before going up the center of my neck.

"Jackson..." I start again, but he just hushes me.

"Shhhuuushhh.... just let me love you. That's all I want, My Lita." He whispers against my ear as his cock lines up with my lips. He slides one hand up to fondle my breast as his lips meet mine in a desperate kiss as he enters me. I whimper against his lips, the aching emptiness I felt prior, suddenly feeling whole again as I wrap my arms around his shoulders and kiss him back. 

His thrusts are short and hard, like he's afraid to lose me if he pulls back to far. Clinging to him though, I feel the same. We barely stop kissing for air and even then it's just for a mere second or two. Our half slitted eyes still meet before our mouths come together again. So many unspoken emotions are flowing through each of us, around us. Then tension between our bodies builds as Jacksons hand that was on my breast, finds its way up to cradle the back of my head. His pace quickens, my head bobbing and hitting his hand as my body tenses up. I'm so close to shattering, I can't catch my breath. 

Just when I feel overwhelmed and can't take it anymore, we shatter together. I have never felt so close to him as I do in this moment. Staring into each others eyes as our world implodes and our bodies sends intense pulses of pleasure throughout. Our eyes were open windows to each other and I couldn't keep back the tears that streamed down my cheeks. 

The shuddering, sobbing breath I took as soon as I could made me feel like I was waking up after fainting. Jackson holds me against the wall, breathing heavily into my neck. He sets me down on my feet, his forehead pressed to mine, eyes closed tightly. 

"I'll let you finish washing off and waking up." I say quietly, stepping out and around him, clutching a towel to my body as I go. I quickly dry off and pull on some leggings and a lounge shirt before grabbing another fruit bar from my nightstand. I was going to need a little more energy because we needed to have this talk. A part of me felt like that was goodbye in the shower.

My heart begins to ache, feeling like a void opened up inside of it. I clutch my chest as it becomes tight and I feel like I can't breathe. What if that was goodbye? Oh god... this hurts.

I pay no attention to the hot tears that blur my vision as I lay back on the bed, clutching blindly at the pillows, pulling them to me like they can protect me from the pain that's overwhelming me. 

"Melita? Baby? Hey..." Jacksons body curls up around me holding me close, trying to comfort me.

"What's the matter, Melita? Did you drink after I left last night? Are you hung over and don't feel good? My Lita... tell me what's wrong." He cradles me to his chest as I try to breathe.

"Is this about last night?" He asks and I know by the way my body tenses that he's aware he's hit the nail on the head. He only hugs me tighter and tries to soothe and calm me. After a few minutes I've calmed enough that he leaves and comes back with a cool wash cloth for my face.

"Melita... about last night." Jackson starts after I've wiped my face and have the cool cloth laying across my swollen eyes. 

I brace myself for what's coming.

"I admit I became upset because when it was mentioned before, it seemed like you did, you just felt it was too soon between us. So I was under a different impression than what you gave me last night. It still sounded like you could be up to it one day, maybe, with how you started out your thoughts. By the end of it though, it sounded like your mind was made up and you did not want them at all. It was conflicting and confusing, which upset me." Jackson sighs, letting out his breath long and slowly. 

"I'm not going to lie. I want kids with you. However, if you don't want any.."

I sit up and cut him off, "It's okay, Jackson. I understand. I will not hold you back from something you want, even if it's not with me."

"Melita. Stop. Listen." He takes my hands in his, "I WANT kids with you, yes. However, I WANT you more, I NEED you more."

"That's not fair to you though, if that is something that you really want." I pull a hand from his to wipe my eyes as he scoffs.

"And? It's not fair to you to make you feel obligated or guilty to have kids or not. My feelings are not the only ones that matter in our relationship. Why are my wants more important than your own? Why would I make you do something that is obviously very stressful and upsetting to you? I have my selfish moments, but I'm not a complete douche canoe that I would give you an ultimatum or trick you into having a baby with me."

I shake my head, more out of disbelief that this man loves me the way he does. "What if I change my mind and it's too late or...or...."

He raises his free hand to my lips to quiet me. He looks at me with warmth in his eyes, soothing my pained heart with the gaze that seems to touch me more intimately than any physical touch could.

"If you ever change your mind of your own accord, I'll be thrilled. No matter if it's too late or not. If you don't, then I will still be happy because you are a part of my life and that's all I really want." 

"Do you really mean all that?" The words slip from my lips and I quickly add, "You won't try to talk me into it or put me down for not giving you kids when all of our friends have them?" I sound weak, pleading, hopeful, a direct reflection of the thoughts going through my mind.

He lets out a heavy breath, "Melita... My Lita. I mean it with every fiber of my being. You are everything to me. I would never want you to regret being with me either. The only way I could ever regret being with you, is if I let you go for my own selfish desires that I felt outweighed your own happiness." He runs a hand softly through my still wet hair, cupping my cheek. "Please stop trying to push me away. I love you and I'm never letting you go. You're mine just as much as I am yours. Always."