81 Emotions

"Melita, I think that meeting your mother at my office would be the safest option for your peace of mind. I can schedule something for Saturday around two if that is alright with you?" Brian informs me at the beginning of our session. 

It's been three weeks since I agreed to meet her, because I keep putting it off. Of course Brian has been doing his best to help me through my emotions and processing them in a healthy manner. I am still angry at her. 

"Two, Saturday. Great." I murmur, clutching my head in anticipation for the headache that is going to come my way soon from crying.

"I think the sooner you are able to actually sit down and ask some questions, discuss things with her, the sooner you're able to move on with your life and if you choose to wash your hands of her that decision is ultimately yours. Even if what she says is hard to believe or all fabricated, you can at least have her sign the papers you need her to and hopefully get some kind of closure. I feel like you need some of that." Brian states as he sits back watching my reactions.

I shrug it off. "I'll worry about all that on Saturday. Where are we starting off today?" I give a tight lipped smile and nod for him to start.

He checks his notes and raises his eyes to meet mine, "We were talking about how your father changed after he hurt his back and you took care of him during that time. How were you feeling afterwards to the way he had changed? Explain more to me about how he had changed."

"He stopped hitting me. There were times he'd raise a hand or get up in my face like he was about to, but he'd pull himself back and just keep yelling until he was done with his rant. There were more weekends that he didn't immediately start drinking until after one, but he's was a still a asshole. Complaining about the house not being clean enough or I needed to do this or that around the house. When I got a job and started paying for food and stuff in the house though is when he eased up on me even more. Would actually ask me questions about school until he finished his first beer."

"What kind of questions did he ask about school?" Brian starts writing some things down.

"School called, said you had some problems with some kids... those were the ones when I was being harassed by this group of guys who wouldn't take no for an answer. When I told him they were trying to catch me alone and tried touching me... well he asked me what I did to them." Of course the school made it out like I WAS the troublemaker.

"What happened?" Brian asks, curious.

"I pulled the fire alarm after kneeing the main problem in his junk." I smirk at Brian's wince of pain at the thought.

"What did your father do when you told him?" 

Shrugging, I roll my eyes, "He told me next time they try something like that, let him know."

"Did they ever try anything again that you told him about?" 

"Yes. One more time. They never bothered me again after that though, but I don't think he actually did anything about it. I think IF he did anything he would just have called the principal." 

"And you don't believe that counts?"

Believe it counts? Why should I give him credit for something if he didn't do it?

"How can it count if I don't know?"

"Parents do a lot of things for their children that they are unaware of." Brian sighs, "Seeing as your father is no longer with us, we can't ask him anything either. However, I do believe maybe you should give your father the benefit of a doubt. He worked, provided everything he could with the money he made, but was unhappy with his life, hence the alcohol."

"Are you trying to justify my father being an alcoholic asshole?" That's what it was beginning to sound like to me.

"No. However, one thing you need to realize is everyone is individual in how they process and handle the world. Everybody reacts in their own way. I'm just guessing here that your father was not happy and drank because of it. When you got the job and started helping financially, he still was an alcoholic but seemed to mellow a bit since some of his stress had been relieved. This speaks to me as someone who was stressed and chose poor ways to handle that stress. Which ended up with the situations that you and your mother were put through, that you should not have been. We can not change the past, but we can control the here and now." Brian sighs, "Which I think this is a good place to start speaking more about your mother since we'll be talking to her soon."

Great, the part that I've been dreading.

"Tell me how you're really feeling about meeting your mother again and having to talk to her?" 

Shuffling in my seat, I look down at my nails, "I'm a little angry about it. I don't want to talk with her, I have nothing to say to her except sign the damn papers."

Brian looks at me, unimpressed, "Uh huh... nothing to say?" 

I scoff, "Well? What should I tell her?! Thanks?" I cross my arms over my chest, taking in deep breaths so I don't get too emotional about it and scream at him.

"Well you obviously are angry with her."

"Because she should just stop being difficult and sign the fucking papers. I don't have anything to say to the damn woman who abandoned me with my abusive father for her damn druggie boyfriend!" Angry tears rolls down my face, "I do not want to see her. What kind of mother does that to their child? I never want to see her again." I fold in on my self, pulling my legs up onto the chair with me, hugging them to my chest to hide my face.

Arms wrap around me, trying to get me to uncurl. "Melita, you're safe here in my office. It is just you and me. Here, take this tissue and breathe with me okay?" Brian starts doing breathing exercises with me to calm down and slowly sit back upright in the chair. Once I'm okay, he steps back into his chair.

"I know this isn't easy for you Melita. But that is why we are here. Do you need another minute or would you like to continue?" 

I nod, wiping my face, "We can continue." 

Brian purses his lips, "In your past relationships, platonic or otherwise, have you found yourself growing closer, only to start finding reasons to distant yourself from them? Maybe they seemed to be doing something that you were sure would be an issue?"

"Yes Brian, I know I have abandonment issues. I know I want to push people away when they get too close. I've gotten better at that. I mean I haven't pushed any of the group away. I've tried with Jackson but he's made it abundantly clear that he's not going anywhere." I inform him.

Brian nods, "Can you elaborate on the most recent time with Jackson? I just want to gain some insight into your reasoning so we can go from there." He writes a few things down in his notes before bringing his full attention back to me.

I hesitate. How do I tell him? What should I tell him?

Brian must sense my thoughts because his next words put my thoughts to rest.

"Please be completely honest. Whatever you say here will not leave this room. I will not repeat it to Sarina or anyone for that matter. There is no judgement Melita. I want you to grow and heal from this so I need you to be as open as a possible." 

I nod, take a deep breath and try my best to not forget anything. By the time I'm done telling him about what happened between Jackson and I when children was brought up, discussing all the emotions and thoughts and reactions, I feel emotionally drained and physically too, but I do feel lighter, oddly. 

"You know Melita, no one in our group is going to judge you if you don't want kids. We have no problem letting you both be auntie and uncle who will spoil them and give mom and dad a break." Brian chuckles, "We also will try not to take advantage of that either. "

"Brian, while I'm being honest here, I'm honestly shocked you're not using my abandonment issues as an excuse to talk me into having kids..." As soon as I say it, I realize how rude that was but Brian holds up his hand before I can continue.

"Wow... I hope that was like an intrusive thought."

"Yes, I'm so sorry Brian, I know you're better than that." I drop my head in guilt, knowing that was a messed up thing to say.

"I'll forgive you, we all get them. To be truthful, when you first started talking about it, the thought ran across my mind. Since I've seen how you are with kids and everything though, I know that if you ever did become a mother, you'd be a good one. That's why I didn't mention anything." He winks at me as I scoff.

"Try to make me feel guilty for saying something that crossed your mind!" I stick my tongue out at him, making him throw his head back and laugh.

"I think we're good here for the day, Melita. I'll see you Saturday then?" Brian is still chuckling as he writes a few more things down.

"Yes, Doctor .." I say sweetly.

Brian rolls his eyes, "Later, Mel."