Secret assassination mission

This time I was just casually strolling down the road. Hey, who am I kidding? I had some shady intentions. Alright, I concede. Dodgy turtle this time. I was hired to eliminate a target, hired for an assassination mission. And I was investigating the target site:

The target never leaves the room, it's sleeping most of the time.

Would be an easy task, if it weren't for the fact that there's literally nowhere to hide: The house is slightly elevated and all the walls are made of glass which means that everyone can see everything that's going on inside. Can't sneak in and do the thing, only to sneak out and leave without being spotted. That's an issue. Furthermore, there's no cover. There were no trees, no steep grass, no moles underground building hills, not even the ever so omnipresent ants, no nothing. It was very frustrating, I couldn't approach at all! And the worst part? There were chicken guards everywhere; lurking on top of the house, patrolling while whistling their chicken songs, one chicken was even trying to construct a nest of random straws it fetched off the ground (severely distracted doing so though). Looked like someone hired some bodyguards for themselves. However, my employer counted on my success, so I wouldn't be dissuaded by this negligible increase in difficulty!

In fact, I called in reinforcements for this job: Mandy the Magpie.

She's an odd one: First off, I don't know what kind of bird she is, but she sure as hell is NOT a magpie. I'm fairly good at reading body language and hers doesn't fit magpie at all. Adding in all those weird things she tries to do to be more 'magpie' like stealing and then accidentally swallowing keys (I had to take her to the hospital once because of that), speaking in counterfeit magpie dialect that's...

Well, moving on, she does provide lots of things when hired, for a fair price. She's excellent at scouting out places, capable of providing real time intel due to special communication devices (I don't want to brag, but I organized those) and thieving special shiny tools like keys or keys, she also takes keys. In short, she's good at everything scouting related but sucks at everything else (except for flying a helicopter). But that's exactly what I need her for.

Due to my impeccable scouting info, I knew that there really only was one legitimate way of entry: Digging through the soil to resurface inside the house. Due to the rather well disguised nature of this method, I decided to equip my tank shell to provide me with an easy and reliable exit aswell. I started digging in the late afternoon, and shortly after midnight Mandy informed me that my current location is right below the house.

Sunglasses? Check. Earplugs? Check. Nitro charge? Locked. Spikes? Primed. Looked like I was ready to go! Not lacking confidence in my skills, I didn't hesitate and started the operation. Nitro charge GO! Swiftly accelerating upwards, I broke the mould.

After my not-so-heroic-but-definitely-memorable entrance (I almost flipped over, gosh that was close), I spotted my target location in mid-air and waddled over (trying to not make a sound, the target must not wake up!). There were a few decoys, but my keen eyes spotted the doomed one in an instant. I pulled my head back and then snapped it forwards, severing the neck in one clean cut. Water and goo splattered everywhere, but I didn't mind. I was used to this. What a walk in the park mission. I quickly combo'd my biting attacks to meticulously finish off the target, can't have it get back up right? There's always a chance!

I love eating cucumbers! And this one is huge too! Not questioning my employer's motif, but this one was probably some rival's cucumber in a gardening competition. Tough luck Mr. Turtle was on the case!

All this happened within 2 seconds. Only then did I notice that there's actually plenty chicken inside this greenhouse, almost as if I had dug into a coop. Kinda crowded. And Mandy was screaming at me to get out (in her funky fake dialect lmao). I mean, it's not that easy to see at night with sunglasses on... I think I should have taken them off while tunnelling, what was I thinking back then? Ah yes, I remember.

There was this chicken approaching me, he looked familiar. I crept closer, trying to get a good look with my impaired eyesight. OH SNAP IT'S CHICKEN NORRIS! I was freaking out a little. Took a while to calm down. What to do? Well this was obvious. Withdraw, deploy spikes and spin for it! Break right through the wall and get the hell out! The chicken tried to jump into the air to escape, fleeeeee while you still can! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEE! But Chicken Norris just scoffed at me.

BANG! I crashed right into the wall and rebounded. This happened 3-5 times, I don't quite remember the exact amount. I had one good and one bad news. Since I'm an optimist, I'll tell the good news first: All the veggies in the greenhouse were thoroughly wrecked. Even if I attacked the wrong target with my sneak attack combat opening move, the hidden one should have nothing more than scraps left. The bad news: I couldn't get out and my plan was ruined.

I needed to negotiate. I even had some ground and basis for negotiation here: I still have some nitro left and the chicken won't be able to evade me forever. They'd suffer injuries at some point. I immediately wrote down my offer to not give them time to consolidate a plan to attack me:

"I hereby challenge you, Chicken Norris, to a speed-writing competition. If I write down the lyrics of a song of your choosing down slower than you do, then I won't resist capture. I'll bet both my wings on it. (Chicken slang) However, if I turn out to be better at speed-writing than you, I'll walk away free of charge. State the song and assign one chicken as independent judge."

There were multiple things that I accounted for. Chicken don't have arms, so they can only awkwardly write with their legs. But by doing so, they'll have to retain balance, which slows them down. I also knew which song he'd choose beforehand, therefore I knew the lyrics. I also anticipated that he wouldn't turn down this challenge, plus he's a chicken of honour and he would definitely let me leave once I won the challenge. Last but not least, I'm fast turtle. This includes writing. I placed second in the speed-writing competition back in my training.

The song was fairly simple, I don't know exactly how it became a hit single, but here goes. Some kind of exotic bird that goes by the name of 'Pampaya' cooked up the amazing lyrics:

"These are the things, the things we ate, the things we ate in the kitchen kitchen kitchen."

This repeated 5 times is the entire song. Song goes by the name of "The things we ate". Not my cup of tea, but hey, animals are different and that's fine.

The competition started and I initiated my hyperfocussed speedwriting mode, turning off all the sensory information that could hamper my writing prowess. I finished the first loop in a mere 41 seconds! But when I glanced at Chicken Norris, I was left astonished. Never would I have imagined what I saw just there.

You know those sewing machines? Well, his head pecked up and down like a sewing machine on steroids. At least 6 times a second. Utterly unreal. Why did I challenge him again? He was 3 times as fast as me! No WHEEEEEE this time, but not the time to give up just yet. Did I mention that all the chicken in the background (except for the appointed judge who was diligently performing her duty) were humming the songs melody? Was pretty cool. And there I got distracted. I managed to complete one fifth of the song before Chicken Norris clucked out. That was less than optimal. I mean, it was utter and total humiliation. I thought I could win. I chuckled. Still mesmerized by what just happened, he approached and wrote:

"Any last questions before capture?".

Well, I did have some.

"How did you know I'd choose today to attack? I took the mission over one week ago and scouted all this time waiting for the perfect opportunity to strike. Did y'all just chill here and wait all this time? Seems like lots of time wasted on a tiny turtle. You should get some hobbies!"

(I left out the last sentence, I don't have a deathwish...)

He didn't even blink (can chicken blink? I don't know). Unfazed, he wrote:

"You didn't buy yesterday."

Damn. He got me there. I should have figured. Also, why was he watching the store, what the hell?!

He continued: "This mission highly difficult, require expert with specific skillset. Only one being satisfyed those condition. You."

Yeah, he made a typo. I wasn't in a position to humour him though...

Still dejected, I decided to follow after him and we left the greenhouse. Today was not a good day. Because I lost and I dislike losing. Taking off my sunglasses, I expertly grabbed the rope that silently descended next to me. One second later, I was gone.

You thought turtles play by the rules? Hell no! Actually, this wasn't entirely correct. Despite my unannounced departure, I left a note behind. Saying "Here are both my wings, enjoy!", with a cute pair of wings painted below. Mandy, who patiently waited for me to leave the greenhouse, casually flew up her chopper and bailed me out. I love Mandy, she's amazing.

...

She witnessed me losing though, I'll have to pay extra for her silence I guess...