Sometimes, She Forgot How Deeply He Had Been Hurt

"You said you want to return to writing as soon as possible?" Editor Minagawa asked in a surprised tone.

"En." Shouko nodded with a firm gaze.

After lunch, they returned to the office and started discussing work. 

"Don't you want to rest more? With your condition right now, I'm afraid it'd just burden you."

"I think it's alright," Shouko smiled faintly. "Maybe, I could remember something once I started writing again. Well, you've said it yourself that I took a break after Aiko and the Moon was published autumn last year. It has been a year, right?"

"That's true," Editor Minagawa answered slowly. She paused to think, weighing Shouko's suggestion before she finally agreed. "If you think that way, I shouldn't argue otherwise. After all, you know your condition best. But, have you thought of what to write next?"

Shouko let out a sigh. She shook her head helplessly. "I still didn't have a clue. Aiko and the Moon is good but I still couldn't think of how to continue it. Should I write a standalone book first?"

"A standalone book is better in my opinion since continuing a series needs your extra attention in detail," Editor Minagawa hummed in agreement. "I know you put all of your efforts in every book you've written but since this time it would be as if you returned to the starting point, I don't want you to distress yourself."

Shouko nodded with a heavy heart. What her editor said was true.

Since she forgot everything, she was back to the beginning. The uncertainty slowly haunted her, making it hard for her to have the courage to start again when she thought of the lost five years.

She didn't want to disappoint anyone with the current her especially when she recalled the sincere smiles she received the first time she stepped in this company earlier.

Editor Minagawa noticed the change of mood of the young lady. She couldn't help but sigh inwardly.

"Shouko."

Shouko looked back at her, appearing listless. She unconsciously clenched the hem of her jacket.

"Just do what your heart wants. If you think by writing again could give you solace and help you to return the feelings you've lost, do it. No one would stop you. We'd even support you. Don't let yourself down because of the thing you can't help."

"I... alright," Shouko could only nod. Editor Minagawa had seen through her thoughts right now.

The older woman smiled faintly. Her eyes landed on the blue file that she brought out earlier. She flinched when she thought back of her tiny mistake.

"Then, do you have anything else that you want to know?" Editor Minagawa retracted her gaze from the file. It would be weird if she went to store the file right now. 

"En, I think everything has been answered so far, especially after I looked at the file," Shouko leaned down, reaching out for the file again. She felt like seeing the photo again yet she threw her intention to the back of her mind.

It was just a photo. She shouldn't concern herself too much with it.

Shouko lifted up her eyes from the file to her editor. Her lips bent into a smile. "At least, I could have a glimpse of how I was as a writer. It still feels surreal to see the books I've written in my home."

To have many books under her name, it was her biggest dream before she became a writer. Now, without her remembered it, she had achieved it.

"That, you didn't ask anything from Mr. Kashino?" Editor Minagawa carefully laid out the question. "Or, your husband didn't say anything to you?"

"Oh, I just asked him something casual," Shouko placed the file back on the table. She looked at the file again before paying her full attention to Editor Minagawa. "But, he did tell me even without me asking such as I re-drafted Aiko and the Moon a lot of times before I agreed to finally publish it and from where did I get my inspirations for my writing. Stuff that I wouldn't know if he didn't tell me."

Editor Minagawa looked relieved to hear the words as her eyes softened, "I see that Mr. Kashino is as loving as ever."

Shouko was stunned, her cheeks reddened hearing such a remark. She stuttered when she finally reacted, "That... well, I guess?"

Editor Minagawa laughed, she propped her arm and rested her chin on her palm. "You may not know it but whenever he was free, he would accompany you to the story-telling events in the orphanages."

"He was?" Surprised, Shouko's eyes widened. "But, the photos..." He wasn't in any of them.

"He didn't take any so that's why he wasn't in any of them," Editor Minagawa smoothly fabricating a fact. "Well, you guys did take personal photos together but he never interferes whenever you're doing your job. You've even asked him about which foundation you should choose to donate your royalty to."

 "I did?" Shouko pointed to herself with incredulity. "Which foundation did I donate to?"

Shouko did read the name of the foundation but she didn't pay attention to the cause it supported as she was distracted by the other photos. 

"It's the Himawari Foundation," Editor Minagawa calmly replied. "Most of its causes are finding shelters to the children who got abused by their guardians as well as providing counseling treatment for their traumas."

Shouko flinched, she unconsciously bit her lip hard.

"That... he never mentioned it," Her voice was so low as she answered.

For her to support the foundation, it must have been related to his own experience. The images of him writhing in pain in one of his nightmares overlapped with his laughing face as he was teasing her. 

Sometimes, she forgot how deeply he had been hurt by the way he carefreely smiled and laughed with her.

"Mr. Kashino might think it isn't important so he didn't mention it," Editor Minagawa was slightly confused to see Shouko's reaction but she didn't ask for it. It seemed like it was a matter that happened between the couple. "But, you did pay extra attention to it before you decided on the foundation. Actually, since then you have been supporting the orphanages listed under the foundation. Most of your charity work went to them."

Shouko dully nodded her head. It was unexpected to hear such a piece of news from her editor. At first, she thought she would just get some information regarding her work yet a few of them were related to Kyoya.

If he wasn't important to her, why would she do all of that?

Maybe, just maybe, she wanted to ease his pain as well as hoping for the children to not experience the hell he had gone through as a child. 

"Shouko, are you alright?" Editor Minagawa couldn't resist herself from asking as the young lady sitting opposite her suddenly turned pale. 

"En, ah, I'm alright," Shouko quickly regained her composure. She smiled as she asked with a calm voice, "How's the foundation nowadays? Do they need any help?"

"Well, they inquired about you but I reckoned your husband has already told them about your condition," Editor Minagawa stood up and went to a table placed in a corner. She took a glass and poured some water into it before handing it to Shouko. "Do you want to know more?"

"Thank you but I think I should ask my husband directly," Shouko shook her head. She drank a few mouthfuls of the water to moisten her parched throat. "He must worry about me so he did that."

Editor Minagawa nodded with a sigh. "Mr. Kashino has always been like that. Even though I rarely interact with him, but I know how much he cherishes you. Actually, I was worried when I heard you didn't even remember him but looks like your relationship with him is still good."

Shouko smiled, the light in her eyes softened. "I did feel awkward at first when I suddenly found that I have been married to him for five years but, he's so patient with me. Right now, I'm focusing on getting to know him back."

"That's good to hear," Editor Minagawa patted her right shoulder with an encouraging smile, "Don't let your condition make you push him away. It's true that he's a stranger to you at this moment but he is a really good husband. You could ask everyone and they would tell the same thing as me!"

Shouko stifled a laugh, it was funny to see her editor cheering her up for her love life. "Haha~ Alright, I will trust you."

She had lost count on how many people telling Kyoya was a good husband to her. If he heard that, he would be showing off with a smug look. Thinking of that made her wanted to pinch him.

"Just tell me if you have anything else to ask," Editor Minagawa went downstairs to the lobby to send Shouko off. It was already time for the latter to meet Akari. "And, as I've said before, don't put pressure on yourself if you have any difficulties in writing. Just take your own pace."

"I will do that," Shouko smiled in gratitude. Her trip here wasn't wasted as she got to know more about herself from her editor. "Then, I'll leave first. See you again."

"Alright, see you again," Editor Minagawa waved her goodbye.

Shouko nodded again with a smile before she got inside the car. Old Takashi had been waiting for her. As the car left the area, a complicated look replaced her calm appearance. The change was noticed by Old Takashi as he looked at Shouko through the rearview mirror.

"Madam, you look tired," The old man gently voiced out his concern. "Did you encounter something unpleasant?"

"Oh, it's not that. Thank you for worrying, Old Takashi," Shouko quickly smiled, trying to ease the situation. "It's just... I have a lot to think about. I can't help but worry."

Old Takashi hummed softly, agreeing with his young madam. "It's inevitable considering your situation but, Young Madam. May this old man offer you a piece of advice?"

"Please do, Old Takashi," Shouko's smile turned more relax hearing his good intention.

"Have you heard of our life is like a river?" Old Takashi calmly drove as he once again peeked on the rearview mirror. "We could only follow the current as our life flows. There would be obstacles along the way but with efforts, we would finally reach our destination. So, think of yourself as following your river of life. Eventually, you'd get all the answers you need."

Shouko was silent as she listened to the old man's words of wisdom. Her mind thought for a few moments before she nodded. His words loosened some of her tensed nerves.

"Thank you, Old Takashi," Shouko softly offered her gratitude. "I'd take your advice."

"This old man is happy to help you," Old Takashi replied with an easy life.

Shouko threw her gaze outside the window. As she looked at the passers-by walking on the street, she couldn't help but smile.

Right now, she was surrounded by good people. The lonely her from the past was a distant memory. The realization warmed her heart.

As she thought of it, a man's smiling face appeared in her mind.