To the man who killed me

Dear Father,

However this letter finds you doesn't concern me anymore. But I hope you know damn well this is a suicide note and that you are the cause for the misfortune that lead after 2014. I hope you also know.. you're not my dad, by blood yes you are but in my mind and heart no you're not. Because unlike you my real dad took care of me when I was sick, he taught me how to spell big words, he taught me how to solve fractions and to multiply. My real dad still loved me as his own till the very end.

Even while drugged out he never treated me as badly as you treated me. And although I hate him for his mistakes, it will never ever compare to the hatred I feel for you. Because I was a fucking child and I did nothing to deserve the abuse I received from you. And yet three years later I got "I'm sorry for that stupid, stupid argument kiddo,"

Fuck you. Fuck your half assed apology. Fuck your lies. Fuck your manipulation. Fuck your hatred over the fact that I look like mom. Because I know that's why you hate me. Sometimes I blame you for why I got bullied.

"She used to be so cool last year. Now she's weird."

"You're weird."

"Why are you so fucking mad?"

"Yeah take that live with you to the grave."

"Kill yourself"

"You're such a bitch."

"That's why your friend left you."

"I'll drag your fucking ass."

"This is why you need to smoke weed, you're so fucking weird."

"You're ugly as fuck."

"You need to get laid."

"She's liked half the fucking school what a whore"

Maybe it's selfish to blame all this on you, but frankly I don't care. I'm going to blame you because I was happy before you started to hurt me. You're the reason I lie, you're the reason I black out when I'm angry, you're the reason I used to fall asleep at 6am. You're the reason I was numb and addicted to sadness.

And yet you had the audacity to threaten to kill yourself.

You're a child in a man's body, you're ignorant, you're a hypocrite, you're a liar, you're manipulative. And you're the reason why I struggle everyday to be a better person. Because to this day I'm still unlearning every toxic trait you've carved into my skin.

Yet there's still more to say to you, yet my pen is running out and my tears have torn the paper.

Yours truly,

The eldest daughter,

Tomie Grayson