When dreams are really nightmares

Dear Father,

For the past year you have stopped lingering in the back of my mind. I don't have dreams telling me to move onto a different path. I don't have dreams of you yelling and screaming. Although there are times I dive deep into what I wish I could have said to you when I had the chance. And even though when I do dive deep I'll have dreams of me screaming back at you telling you how you've ruined my life.

Mom has told me that other people and the pain they inflict on you doesn't reflect your current attitude. But I beg to differ. You've lied to me so many times that I've learned to lie. You lie badly, I lie badly. You're toxic and you've beaten your toxicity into your eldest daughter.

I've accepted the fact that I'm not really a good person, rather a horrible person who can be a good person when they want to. I try my best, but I will always lose friends, I'll never have my closest friends full trust, I'll never have mom's full trust, I'll never have my own full trust.

I try my best, but as usual I can only half fulfill what I'm trying to achieve. And yet sometimes I still wonder why people try to help me. I don't deserve their help no matter how many times they tell me I don't deserve this pain I don't deserve to lose these people I don't deserve to be called these degrading names.

But when did I deserve to keep these people when I've done something to hurt them? There's two sides to a story and I'm sure on one side of the story there's a valid point that I had done something wrong to escalate or begin a problem. Even if I don't notice my mistake in the very beginning, I'll eventually realize my mistake and accept my consequences or try and fix my mistake.

And unfortunately that's what you and I don't have in common. Your empty apologies mean nothing. While I try the best I can till I can't anymore.

Thanks dad, for making me hate myself, for causing me anxiety and ptsd, and making me a toxic person.

-Tomie Grayson