39. Chapter 39

The night was not quite what Maya hoped.

Carina was knocked out hard from the moment her head hit the pillow which did not surprise Maya in the slightest. She had seen her wife sleep for 18 straight hours after a therapy session because they just wore her out so much. The first time it had happened, Maya had been genuinely worried that something was wrong, but it became a pattern after her EMDR sessions.

Maya, on the other hand, did not sleep through the night. She first woke up about half an hour after she fell asleep feeling nauseous, calling the nurse immediately. Luckily, the nurse had a PRN order to give her more of the medication she had been started on and they managed to get the nausea under control without Maya throwing up which felt huge.

She then fell back asleep until about 3 am before waking up with her thoughts racing. She was spinning about all the uncertainties that lay ahead in this recovery process. What would the dietitian say? Would her kidney continue to function as it should? Would her aorta continue to do as well as it had before? How long would it be before she got her strength back in her leg and abs?

And the biggest question that just kept swirling in her head as when she would get to go home. That was all she wanted, especially now that she was feeling better. She had absolutely no idea what she needed to accomplish to be able to leave, but she knew she probably should ask just so she could get a better idea of what she needed to get done. She was very anxious, but she did not want to wake her wife who she knew desperately needed sleep.

She worked her way through some breathing exercises, somehow managing to calm herself down and fall back asleep after probably a good hour and a half awake.

The next time she woke up, it was 6 am and Maya knew she wasn’t going to sleep more. She also knew she couldn’t really move much because Carina was still asleep.

She did have her phone within reach, grabbing it and checking her messages. She had texted Andy the night before to ask how she was and the Latina had responded, telling Maya that she was feeling better, that she and Robert had talked and worked out some things which made her feel a lot better emotionally. She thanked Maya for being there for her and also asked how she was doing.

Maya brought her best friend up to speed on how things were going for her before going to her Duolingo app, going through some more Italian lessons. She was finding parts of it easy to pick up on because some phrases Carina used often and Maya had learned their meaning a long time ago. However, some were tricky and she found herself mildly frustrated at how long it was taking for her to learn simple phrases.

She had very little exposure to other languages growing up, her father believing that people in America should speak English or not be allowed to live there which Maya never quite agreed with, but she never dared say anything about it.

She had been required to take some kind of foreign language in high school, but she had chosen French because it seemed interesting. She barely remembered any of it at this point though.

Andy had taught her some phrases in Spanish over the course of their friendship, but those were mostly just to keep people calm on calls until she could get someone who spoke Spanish to help.

She was pretty determined to learn Italian at this point, especially because they were seriously talking about having a baby and Maya knew Carina was going to want the baby to be bilingual.

She got through several lessons before the nurse came in at 8 am for Maya’s morning meds.

“Alright,” the nurse said, “I see you have been eating. How did that go?”

“It was fine,” Maya said, “I got more medicine after I ate because I wasn’t feeling well, but it worked and I managed to keep everything down.”

“Excellent,” the nurse nodded, “Well, I am going to give you the same medications in pill form this morning, with the adjustments made to see how you handle it.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, realizing she was going to need to sit up more if she was going to swallow anything.

She didn’t want to wake her wife, but Carina started stirring then anyways.

“Car,” Maya said gently, “I need to take some medicine so I need to sit up.”

“Ok,” Carina mumbled, rubbing her eyes as the blonde used the remote to sit the bed up.

The nurse handed Maya a cup with two pills in it along with a cup of water. Carefully, Maya took each pill with a small sip of water before handing the pill cup back to the nurse.

“Alright,” the nurse said, “I will bring you some breakfast in a little bit. It looks like you can have toast, yogurt, apple sauce, bananas, pancakes…does any of that sound good?”

“Um, maybe a banana?” Maya said, not totally trusting her body yet, “And some toast?”

“You got it,” the nurse nodded, “I’ll be back in a little bit.”

“Ok,” Maya said as the nurse left, “Car, how are you feeling?”

“Better,” Carina said, moving out from behind her wife, “A little sleepy, but much better. How are you feeling today? Did you sleep well?”

“I’m feeling ok,” Maya said, “I slept so so. I woke up nauseous at like 9:30, but I got more meds and it helped.”

“No getting sick?” Carina asked, really hoping she didn’t sleep through her wife needing her.

“No getting sick,” Maya confirmed, “What means I successfully kept food down for the first time in weeks. And then I was awake for a while around 3 am just thinking and spinning a little bit, but I eventually fell asleep again and then I woke up at 6 for good.”

“Oh Bambina,” Carina frowned, “I’m sorry sleeping has been so bad the past few nights.”

“It’s ok,” Maya shrugged, “It’s almost like I know I’m getting back to normal because the insomnia is coming back.”

“Well, hopefully talking to Diane will help,” Carina said, getting up off the bed, “She is coming around noon I think.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, “And I think the dietitian is coming this morning sometime and then I will probably have PT at some point too. It’s going to be a busy morning.”

Carina nodded, grabbing out some clean clothes and going into the bathroom, getting dressed before going back to her wife.

“Can you help me get ready too?” Maya asked, already having gotten herself sitting on the edge of the bed.

“Of course, Bambina,” Carina nodded, helping her stand up and giving her her cane.

“How long am I going to have to have this feeding tube?” Maya asked as they walked toward the bathroom.

“I don’t know,” Carina said, grabbing some clean clothes for her wife, “Probably until you are consistently taking in enough calories by mouth and also all your meds. But I’m sure the dietitian will know more. Or you can ask Dr. Grey.”

Once Maya was in the bathroom, Carina gave her some privacy, going to check her phone only for there to be a knock at the door.

“Hello Carina,” Meredith said, walking in with a cup of coffee and a bag, “I have breakfast for you. Maggie actually dropped it off, but she an emergency patient before her shift technically started.”

“Thank you,” Carina said, taking the items.

“Is Maya in the bathroom?” Meredith asked.

“Si,” Carina nodded, “Now that her kidney is working, that is a much more common thing.”

“I’m glad,” Meredith nodded, “Well, I wanted to touch base with her, but I need to go check on something. I’ll be back in like 10 minutes?”

“Sounds good,” Carina nodded.

Once Maya was done using the bathroom, Carina offered her a little help getting dressed, but the blonde managed most of it herself. Just as Maya got back to bed, Meredith walked back in, a small breakfast tray in her hands.

“Your nurse was just about to bring this in here,” Meredith said, “But I told her I was coming anyways.”

“Thanks,” Maya said, sitting back down on the bed, getting herself back to her normal place.

“Now, I just wanted to touch base with you,” Meredith said, “I like the progress you have made with your eating. I want to get a full CT scan today.”

“Is something wrong?” Maya asked, biting her lip.

“Not at all,” Meredith said, shaking her head, “But you have been here two weeks and we just want to get some fresh scans to see how everything is going.”

“Ok,” Maya said, trying hard not to think too much into the new scans, “When will that be?”

“10:30,” Meredith said, “So you have time for some breakfast.”

“And maybe some quick PT?” Maya asked hopefully.

“Probably,” Meredith nodded, chuckling a little, “Normally getting my patients to do PT is like pulling teeth.”

“I just want to be moving again,” Maya shrugged, “And I want to get stronger.”

“I know,” Meredith nodded, “I’ll let PT know to come before 10. Now, eat as much as you can of your breakfast. The dietitian is going to come in here in about ten minutes. You will probably be meeting with a dietitian a few times over the next few weeks as you get back to eating.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, “Thanks.”

“Alright,” Meredith said, “I’ll probably come back to review your CT results this afternoon/evening at some point, but if you need me before then, let me know.” “Ok,” Maya said, “Thank you.”

“And if you see Maggie, tell her thank you for breakfast,” Carina said.

“Will do,” Meredith said, heading out the door.

“We get to eat breakfast together Bambina,” Carina said, smiling at her wife.

“Yeah,” Maya said, looking at her tray that had some dry toast and yogurt on it.

“Can you help me open the yogurt?” Maya asked, knowing that with the brace, it was hard to hold anything in her right hand.

“Of course,” Carina nodded, opening the container, “How do you feel about this breakfast?”

“Um, not super excited,” Maya said, taking the spoon, stirring her yogurt cup around, “But it doesn’t look too bad. What do you have?”

“Breakfast sandwich,” Carina said, “With egg whites, spinach, tomato, and cheese.”

“Logically, I know that is good,” Maya said, looking at it, “But it just doesn’t look appealing at all.”

“It might one day,” Carina shrugged, “Or maybe not.”

“Who knows if I’ll even be able to eat eggs anymore,” Maya sighed, lifting a spoonful of yogurt to her mouth, “Or what I will be able to eat.”

“We will find out soon enough,” Carina said, taking a bite of her own breakfast.

They weren’t even close to done eating when there was a knock on the door.

“Hello,” a new woman said, walking in, “My name is Jordan and I am your dietitian.”

“Hi,” Maya said, setting down her spoon for a minute, “I’m Maya Bishop-Deluca and this is my wife Carina.”

“Nice to meet you,” Jordan said, smiling at them, “Now, Dr. Grey tells me you have recently been diagnosed with gastroparesis?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “Just yesterday, but I have had this feeding tube for a while because I kept throwing up when I would drink anything and I hadn’t even tried eating until last night after my diagnosis and new medications.”

“Ok,” the dietitian said, writing everything down, “Well, how did eating for the first time go?”

“I ate like half a container of applesauce and a few crackers,” Maya said, “And it was fine. I was feeling pretty sick about an hour and a half after, but they gave me some more medicine and it helped.”

“Ok,” the dietitian nodded, “Good. And it looks like you are eating again this morning?”

“Yeah, yogurt and dry toast,” Maya nodded, looking at her plate.

“Feel free to keep eating it while I am talking,” Jordan said, “Today, I just want to talk to you about the foods you can start trying. It is probably going to take a little while for your body to adjust to eating again. So generally, people with gastroparesis learn what works for their body and what doesn’t and once you are stronger and further along in your recovery from your accident, you can do some experimenting if you want, but for now, I am just going to give you the list of foods that most people are able to tolerate. So here is a copy of it, but the big things to know is that you are going to want things that are easy to digest so instead of bread with lots of seeds and nuts in it, stick to plain bread like white or whole wheat without seeds or nuts. Nothing fried or overly oily because that can be hard on the stomach. Most vegetables are high in fiber and tend to be harder to digest, but things like cooked carrots are usually good. And fruits that are soft or canned are going to be the best bet. Most proteins are good as long as they are lean. Eggs are good too. Like I said, this list isn’t everything, but it is some suggestions as you get back into eating. I talked to Dr. Grey, and she and I agree that we want to keep the feeding tube in place for now until you are taking in enough by mouth. Also, with drinking, I want you drinking a little bit all day and not downing an entire cup in one go, ok? Is all of this making sense?”

“I think so,” Maya said, looking at her wife, “Do you have any questions?”

“I don’t right now,” Carina said, shaking her head.

“Ok,” the dietitian said, “I am going to leave my card with you and if you have any questions, feel free to call. Like I said, that list of foods is just kinda what most people find go well, but as you start eating more, you will learn what works for you. Oh, also, I don’t know how I forgot to mention this, but a lot of people find everything goes a lot better if they are eating 5-6 small meals a day instead of 3 large ones just to reduce the amount the stomach has to digest at once. Again, that is something you will have to adjust and learn exactly how your body functions. For now, because you still have the tube, I want you to try to eat 6 times a day, but if it doesn’t happen, that is ok. Like I said, for now, it’s all just about getting your body reacclimated with food at all.”

“Ok,” Maya said, nodding.

“Does all of this sound manageable?” Jordan asked.

“Um, I think so,” Maya said, Carina knowing something was bothering her wife, but not wanting to push her right now.

“Ok,” Jordan said, “Well, like I said, if you have questions, feel free to call or ask the nurses. And I’ll see you in about a week to check in and see how things are going, ok? Oh, and I want you to be keeping a food journal too between now and then, just to see if there are foods you do well with or if there are things that your stomach doesn’t tolerate and also to track your nutritional intake to give us a better idea of how long the tube is going to be in. There are a few apps that work for many of my patients, here on this sheet or you can just use a notebook.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, taking the paper, “Sounds good.”

“Alright,” Jordan said, “Well, I will see you in about a week unless you need me sooner.”

“Thank you,” Maya said as the dietitian left the room.

“How are you feeling Bambina?” Carina asked was she watched her wife look over her papers.

“Um, a little overwhelmed,” Maya said, looking at the papers, “But I think ok. Hey, at least I should still be able to eat your pasta that I love.”

“Si,” Carina nodded, “And we will figure out what works for you.”

“Do you think I’ll be able to go back to work with this?” Maya asked, looking at her wife.

“I don’t see why not,” Carina said, “Dr. Grey doesn’t seem to think you will need this tube permanently and I think you will be able to figure out how to manage your new diet at work. You might not always be able to eat the same meals as the rest of your team, but honestly, that might be a good thing.”

“Hey, we eat pretty well at the station,” Maya said.

“Si, when I go there and cook,” Carina said, “And maybe when Travis and Vic cook, but the rest of you are not very good in the kitchen.”

“Whatever,” Maya said, playfully rolling her eyes.

“You know I’m right,” Carina teased, getting up to throw away the trash from her breakfast.

“Can you throw this away too?” Maya asked, holding out her half-eaten yogurt and toast, “I’m done.”

“No, the nurse needs to see what you are and write it down,” Carina said, shaking her head, “But I will put it over here.”

“Thanks,” Maya said.

“Is it sitting ok in your stomach?” Carina asked, sitting back down next to her wife.

“For now,” Maya nodded as there was a knock on the door, Ty the physical therapist walking in.

“Good morning,” he said, “How are you feeling this morning?”

“Good,” Maya said, looking at him, “I’m ready to work.”

“Alright,” Ty nodded, “Jared’s notes say you are doing really well, but I want to see it for myself.”

“Ok,” Maya said, quickly maneuvering herself over to the side of the bed, standing up as Ty quickly grabbed the cane.

“Wow,” he said, watching her start walking, “Maya, that is incredible. Do you want to walk around the floor?”

“Sure,” Maya nodded, looking at Carina who quickly moved to follow her.

They went out to the hall, Ty basically just watching Maya walk, giving her a few pointers on how to adjust her gait to help things go better.

“Wow Maya,” Ty said as they made it back to her room, “You are really doing very well. I want to do a few exercises with just your leg and then I would say you are good to go for this morning.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, sitting down on the bed.

Ty had her dangle her legs over the edge of the bed for these particular exercises, showing both her and Carina how to do them.

“Alright,” Ty said once Maya was done, “That’s all I have for you. Do you have any questions?”

“No,” Maya said, shaking her head, “Thank you.”

“Of course,” Ty said, “Well, I will see you later.”

“Oh, I have an appointment at noon,” Maya said, “And I’m not sure how long it will be so could we maybe hold off on afternoon therapy until like 3?”

“Sure,” Ty nodded, “It’s whatever you are up for. And honestly, if you just want to work the exercises alone, that is also fine with me. If you decide to do that, just have the nurses let me know.”

“Sounds good,” Maya said as Ty left.

“Bambina, you are doing so so well,” Carina smiled, sitting down next to her wife, “I am so impressed with how much progress you have made.”

“Thanks,” Maya said, biting her lip, “It feels good.”

“I’m sure it does,” Carina said, kissing her gently.

Before either of them could even think about anything else, there was another knock at the door, this time a nurse to get Maya’s lunch order and also tell her it was time to go down to CT.

“Can I have some cottage cheese?” Maya asked, remembering that was on her list of foods.

“Sure,” the nurse nodded, “I’ll bring it to you after your scan. Are you ready for me to take you?”

“I can do it,” Carina offered, looking at the nurse, “If that’s ok.”

“It’s more than ok,” the nurse nodded, handing off the wheelchair, “Thank you Dr. Bishop-Deluca.”

“I was going to go down anyways,” Carina shrugged as the nurse left, “I probably won’t stay in the room this time though.”

“This time?” Maya said, confused.

“You had a scan at some point when you were unconscious and I had a little bit of a meltdown when they told me I couldn’t be in the room with you,” Carina said, biting her lip, “And they ended up letting me stay.”

“I’m sorry Car,” Maya said, frowning as they headed to the elevators.”

“You didn’t do anything,” Carina said.

“Well, I’m still sorry I wasn’t there to hold you and tell you it was all going to be ok,” Maya said, reaching her hand back and squeezing Carina’s.

“It’s ok,” Carina said, “There were so many people that rallied around me…us…and while none of them were you, it helped.”

“Well, I’m here now,” Maya said resolutely, “And I’m not going anywhere.”

“Except right now you are,” Carina said, chuckling a little, “You are going to go have your CT and I am going to wait out here.”

“True,” Maya said as Carina pushed her up to the CT room, “You could come if you want to.”

“I will be ok out here,” Carina said, “And that is a good thing.”

“It is,” Maya nodded, “I am very proud of you for doing it. I love you.”

“I love you too,” Carina said, giving her wife a quick kiss before going over to the CT tech who took Maya into the scan room while Carina waited outside.

Maya did not particularly enjoy the CT process which required her to be still for quite a while as her entire body was scanned. She tried to close her eyes and rest, but it was too loud and she hated not being able to move. She started going through all the Italian words she had learned over the past week or so in her head, using that to keep herself still and calm.

It took about an hour and a half, but finally, Maya was brought out of the machine, looking over and seeing her wife waiting for her with the wheelchair.

“How was it?” Carina asked, a smile on her face that confused Maya’s overanxious brain.

“It was too long,” Maya said as she carefully got up from the scan table, “Can I walk back to the room?”

“We don’t have your cane Bambina,” Carina frowned, “And you probably shouldn’t walk without it.”

“I can hold onto you or the wheelchair,” Maya said, “Please? That was like torture having to be that still for that long.”

“How about you just walk to the elevator?” Carina said, “Diane is going to be here soon and you don’t want to wear yourself out before she comes right?”

“Oh yeah,” Maya said, “That’s true.”

“Good,” Carina said, “You have to hold onto me though.”

Maya nodded, letting Carina get them into the best position for this before they started walking. Maya did very well, making it to the elevator without much of an issue.

Once they were inside, Carina helped her sit down in the wheelchair.

“How did that feel?” Carina asked as Maya settled into the chair.

“Good,” Maya said, “Really good. It always feels good to move.”

They went back to their room, finding Dr. Lewis waiting for them outside the door.

“Sorry,” Maya said, seeing her, “I needed a CT scan.”

“That’s ok,” Diane said, “I know how these hospital stays go. Remember, pretty extensive leg reconstruction?”

“I know,” Maya said, smiling at her, “Well, come on in.”

“You are both looking much better,” Diane said as Maya got up from the wheelchair, Carina helping her back to bed.

“We are doing a lot better,” Carina said as Maya concentrated on walking to the bed, “No more c. diff and Maya had been walking more and more every day.”

“I’m impressed,” Diane said, watching Maya get herself back into bed.

Just then, there was a knock at the door, a nurse coming in with Maya’s lunch.

“Here you go,” the nurse said, also setting down a cup of apple juice, “I wasn’t sure if you liked this, but I thought you might want something besides water.”

“I like apple juice,” Maya said, “Can I also get another cup of water though?”

“Of course,” the nurse nodded, stepping out for a minute.

“You’re eating?” Diane said, looking at Maya.

“This is a new thing,” Maya said, taking the plastic wrap off the cottage cheese, “I got diagnosed with gastroparesis yesterday and now I’m on some medications and have started eating a little bit. I have to keep the tube though because I’m still sorting out eating again.”

The nurse came back in, dropping off the water before leaving again.

“Bambina, are you ok if I go get some of the leftovers from yesterday for lunch?” Carina asked, looking at her wife.

“Of course,” Maya nodded, reaching out her hand, squeezing her wife’s, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Carina said, “I might eat down in the attending’s longue too. I’ll be back in no more than like 45 minutes?”

“Ok,” Maya said, smiling at her wife, “I’m proud of you.”

“I am proud of you,” Carina said, glancing over at Dr. Lewis, “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Maya said as her wife left, “God, she has come so far.”

“What do you mean?” Diane asked.

“Carina could barely leave my side for 10 minutes not that long ago,” Maya said, “Her PTSD was flaring so bad and her anxiety was almost crippling her. But she has done two sessions of EMDR and it is crazy how well she is doing.”

“That’s great,” Dr. Lewis said, “And how are you doing?”

“I’m…I’m just exhausted and overwhelmed and tired and anxious,” Maya spilled out all at once, “And mostly, I’m just done and anxious to go home and terrified about what the future is going to hold and very ready for this to be done and I feel like I am constantly fighting Lane’s voice telling me to keep my eyes forward and just get better and I haven’t been giving into it, but it is still exhausting.”

“Ok,” Diane said, “Well, let’s start with Lane. I know you are always fighting his voice, but I also know it has gotten quieter in the past few years. Is it getting loud again or something else?”

“I don’t know if it’s getting louder or if I am just having to be quieter and can hear it more,” Maya sighed, wiping tears that were already starting, “But I feel like I hear it more now than I did, and I think it’s because of these injuries and having to heal and wanting to heal.”

“Wanting to heal isn’t a bad thing,” Diane said, “But trying to force your body to heal when it isn’t ready is going to get you into trouble. What do you do when his voice gets loud?”

“I try to do breathing exercises,” Maya said, “Or I admit that I am getting tired even when it tells me not to.”

“That’s really good,” Diane said, impressed with Maya’s answers, knowing how hard the blonde had to fight to not let these thoughts take over sometimes.

“But it’s still exhausting to have to fight them,” Maya said, “And I don’t want to have to fight them anymore.”

“I know,” Diane said, “Have you tried doing what we did before? Repeating the new phrases we came up with?”

“No,” Maya said, “I…I guess I forgot about them.”

“That’s ok,” Diane said, “Can you tell me what they were?”

“Instead of embrace the pain, I am supposed to say ‘I am allowed to feel however I am feeling’ and instead of eyes forward I am supposed to say ‘I am worthy of rest.’”

“Good,” Diane said, “I’m not promising that will make it less exhausting, but I do think that if you just keep saying those, eventually, they will replace Lane’s voice. You could also ask Carina to say them for you. It might help replace his voice with hers.”

“Ok,” Maya nodded, “I’ll ask her to do that.”

“Now, you said you have been doing your breathing exercises, are those helping with the anxiety at all?” Diane asked.

“Sometimes,” Maya said, “And sometimes not. They usually do eventually, but I also will spin for a while before I am able to get them to work. During the day, it’s usually fine, but at night…I keep waking up with my brain racing and I can’t get it to shut up.”

“Is it happening every night?” Diane asked.

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “And it’s getting exhausting.”

“What do you normally do at home when that happens?” Diane asked, knowing insomnia was not something new for the blonde.

“Well, sometimes, I will get out of bed and walk around the house,” Maya said, “Usually when that happens, if Carina’s home, she’ll drag me back to bed and help me fall back to sleep. Sometimes I will do breathing exercises. And other times…other times I will just stare at my wife and think about our future and let that ground me.”

“Besides the walking, have you tried everything else?” Diane asked.

“Yeah,” Maya said, “I have and it’s not helping. Thinking about the future is usually what’s making me spin out in the first place and the breathing exercises only work sometimes.”

“Have you tried not thinking about the future?” Diane said, “Tried thinking about the right now? I know you have a lot of uncertainty about what is going to happen as you continue to heal, and that’s not going to help you sleep, but maybe thinking about what’s happening now, about how far you have come in the past two weeks or how far Carina has come since I know you were so excited about that when we started today, maybe that would help calm you down and help you sleep.”

“Maybe,” Maya said, thinking a little.

“How bad is the insomnia?” Diane asked, “Is it keeping you up all night or are you able to get some rest?”

“I am sleeping some,” Maya said, “And I am also napping during the day sometimes which is strange to my brain, but I just get so tired.”

“Recovery will do that to you,” Diane said, nodding, “I went from being awake for 24 hours or more on shift to have to nap every 4 hours after my injuries. Listen to your body when it wants to nap and honor the healing it is doing by allowing it rest, ok? I know that is hard, but it is the only way you are going to heal.”

“I know,” Maya said, “I try.”

“That is all I ask,” Diane said, “Now, you got a pretty big diagnosis yesterday. How are you feeling about that?”

“Overwhelmed,” Maya said, honestly, “And scared about what is going to happen, but a little better after talking to my dietitian which I now have. I am just worried I am never going to get a solid handle on it and that it is going to make everything so much harder.”

“It is a new challenge,” Diane said, “And it’s normal to be worried about it. Have you been asking questions and getting answers that make sense to you?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “The problem is that a lot of it is very dependent on how my body responds which is a mystery until I try things and they either work or they don’t.”

“So, it’s like fighting a fire?” Diane said, knowing this was an analogy the nerdy fire captain would understand, “You go in with a basic plan of attack and then when you see how the fire responds, you pivot and change accordingly until you beat the fire? It’s the same for this diagnosis. Maybe some things you try will burn you or will make the fire worse, but if you just keep at it, eventually you will be able to beat the fire. And I know you likely won’t ever be free from this diagnosis, but you can contain it and have control over it and over your body again, right?”

“Yeah,” Maya nodded, “I guess. Thinking about it like that makes it feel…less like it is going to crush me and more like it is something I can tackle, figure out maybe.”

“Good,” Diane said, “And I know it isn’t going to be easy and it is ok to feel anxious about it, but when that anxiety takes over your life, that’s when it becomes a problem, ok?”

Maya nodded, knowing Dr. Lewis was right. Just then, the door opened and Carina walked back in.

“Is it ok if I come back now?” the Italian asked, “I can go…”

“No, you can stay,” Maya said, smiling at her.

Carina nodded, sitting down next to her wife, the blonde immediately slipping her hand into her wife’s.

“Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?” Diane asked, looking at Maya.

“Um, not right now,” Maya said, shaking her head, “Thank you for coming again.”

“Of course,” Dr. Lewis said, “I am always happy to. I am very impressed with how much progress you have made. I am also impressed that you are willing to call me and talk. I know this isn’t always easy for you.”

“It’s not easy, but I always feel better after,” Maya said, “So thank you.”

“I’ll see you both later,” Dr. Lewis said, “If you need me, just reach out.”

“I will,” Maya said as she and Carina both waved at the psychologist.

“How was it?” Carina asked, looking at her wife.

“I need you to do something for me,” Maya said, “I need you to tell me I am allowed to feel however I feel and that I am worthy of rest.”

“You are allowed to feel however you feel,” Carina said, leaning over and planting a gentle kiss on Maya’s lips, “And you are more than worthy of rest.”

“Can you say it again?” Maya asked, leaning closer.

“You are allowed to feel however you feel,” Carina said quietly, kissing Maya again, “You are worthy of rest.”

Maya leaned into another kiss only to be broken up by a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Carina called, pulling away from Maya, watching a wave of confusion wash over her wife as the door opened.