32. Memory.

I was on a beautiful, sandy beach. It was warm, not too hot. There was peace here and somehow I knew this wasn't a dream. I was fine; I was wearing a tee shirt and a skirt; I recognized these clothes. My mother made them, long ago when I was human. I buried my toes in the sand and sighed.

I looked out over the sea; it looked like the sea; the smell was the freshest sea, water, but the wind, warm and lovely, brought the scent of thousands of flowers and I could almost see the flower meadows, I thought how lovely it would be to pick another enormous bunch of flowers.

In the distance, I could see an island with mountains glistening in the sun. Crystal mountains. I somehow knew where I was, or what that island was. Rainbow Island, Heaven. So that meant I was dead, or almost dead, but the thought didn't seem to bother me. I sat and enjoyed.

A big, fat white long-haired cat walked beside me. He had green eyes; I recognized him and like that time long, long ago when he first came into my lap; he climbed into my lap now, walked there for a while as if to soften up a suitable spot for himself and then curled up in my lap. Yes, he was heavy. I stroked his soft fur for a long time, remembering the time he had come into my arms. 

We had been living in an apartment building then; we were in the living room watching TV. My dad had been on the couch, my mom and sister in their chairs and me in mine. Our cat had come, jumped into my lap and made a nest in it. Curled up to sleep in it and then I had gently started stroking him.

I had been very impressed, very shocked almost, as I had been quite keen on our cat after all. Then not long after our cat had come into my bed, with me, pacing on my head, because he was a male, he had stepped on me. Or my hand, most preferably. He took the skin on the back of my hand like it would be a female cat's scruff in his mouth and imagined that my arm was a girl cat.

And then after a while, fell asleep on me, at night he slept next to me, I always remembered how miserable it was to wake up in the morning, when the damn alarm clock rang, to see this wonderful big long-haired cat sleeping right next to me, almost his head on my pillow. 

My memory was interrupted when the cat spoke. I could hear him talking in my head and I couldn't tell what it even sounded like.

He said, "Oh those days, it was a kind of annoying when you went away from it, but we had weekends. But now you probably know where you are. This isn't the rainbow islands, yet. This is, well, the gates of heaven if that's how I'd describe the place. You, Mimi, have a choice to make. But I'll get to that a little later. Let me tell you a few things and go ahead. Don't stop, go ahead."

I said to myself, " I guess I gave it my all, but I don't regret it. I was too cocky when I thought I was immortal. I have my limits."

The cat said, "Everyone has a limit until they don't. You have a destiny, a mission, but you didn't do it. But because you made the ultimate sacrifice anyone can make, you gave your life force to others. To ensure their lives, you get a choice. Or you have to make a choice. You are in a unique position here. These options, well most just have to settle for what I decide. They don't get to choose. And now it's not that you gave your life for others, no, you don't get a choice, but you gave your life force, you gave your last spark to Mimosa, Adam and Damon, that was the greatest sacrifice anyone can make. And few can. "

I took a moment and said, "My pack is, or was, all I had. We had our problems, but I have no regrets. Adam and Damon probably don't appreciate what I did, but I did it regardless. But what happens to the world if I don't do what I'm supposed to do?"

The cat was silent for a moment and said, "The world will go on, regardless of you or your fate. Free will. Thousands of people die every day in the world who will never get to do what they did. There will be consequences for that at some point, but it's not the end of the world, at least not right away. Well, let's put it this way: there are things that have to happen, and then there are the chosen doers, but there's flexibility. If the doer dies before he gets to do what he's supposed to do, well, someone else gets to do it. But there are some things that few people can do. Yours, at least one thing that's marked for you is pretty hard for even a Damon to do. Damon could get some tasks that belong to you, but with free will, and that love is the greatest force in the universe, the force that can tear a soul apart, Damon's ability to do what needs to be done is very questionable."

I was silent and thought for a moment. I was stroking the cat and enjoying this sense of calm. I could feel how the cat was enjoying, he was pressing my thighs with his paws, then his claws were exposed. I could feel the pinching, but I didn't mind.

I don't know how long it was before I asked, "You're talking about choice, what should I choose?"

The cat said, " Well, you have choices. Where do you go from here? Your life force is gone, your spark is gone, and you are dead, but it is not necessarily permanent."

The cat stood up and stretched. He looked at me.

I said, "So you mean I can come back to life? "

Suddenly, someone jumped on my neck. Sharp claws pressed through my skin. I heard a familiar rattling purr and felt the heat settle on the back of my neck as my other cat, Miiki, had come from somewhere and jumped on my neck as she always did. She positioned herself on my neck with her head on one side and then her tail on my other shoulder. It was so wonderfully familiar and then so achingly bittersweet same time. This was something that I had actually missed.

She spoke in my mind too, and said, "I'm a chaos cat now, you can call me that. You are chaos. That's why your life is far from always perfect, and the more you try to organize it, the more chaos you create. Chaos does not make order. Let me show you something."

I stood up. Miiki jumped down from my neck and walked. She walked in the same peculiar way; her back legs stiff and she was just as skinny and shouted as she went. She jumped on a table where there was a chess game, but it had strange pieces on it.

Chaos Cat said, " Move something. You see, when one moves, they all move. And you don't always see the consequences, so chaos. Chaos is not the disorder. Chaos is unpredictability. Surprise. Nobody knows what the consequences of chaos will be. That's the idea. Do you understand?"

Actually, I did. A white cat came next to me. He sat down and soon he was my size.

The cat was talking in my head. "I am god, creator and you are chaos. The world needs balance and you are one part of it. As you know, Damon was your half, Ying and yang. You balance each other, but you are not opposites so much. Your job is to be the chaos. Damon's job is to control the chaos. Remember your wedding."

I was silent and said, "So, a flank wedding, you say it was something that was supposed to happen."

Kitty nodded. I thought for a while. I am chaotic at best. And Damon is the one who keeps me in line. After all, I'm the one who can't be predicted, surprising, at least in fights and whatnot. And Damon is there to dominate me then. Watching over me, protecting me, loving me, maybe. I walked along the beach and thought. I remembered how Mercy had told me I'd be the chaos in due course, and well, I should probably hear the options of what I could do. 

 I walked to the beach next to the god and said, " Why do I see you as cats? "

The cat looked at me with its emerald green eyes and said. "it's your vision; I'm just taking the form you can grasp. And what you believe. Ot then we are really just cats. I will not tell you the truth, or maybe I did. But cut to the chase. You want to hear your options. The first option is that you get to the Rainbow Islands. You feel this peace, there is peace, there is everyone you have lost, nothing bad ever happens there and everything is always okay. But I can tell you that your family is not there. They too have their own missions and your mother, your sister, even your father, well they are on the rainbow islands now and then, but because they have a purpose, they are not in so-called peace. But you will be. No more rage, passion, fervor. Just peace, gentleness, rest." 

I said, " Sounds pretty damn boring, and when I'm no longer the same person, the same creature that was forced into this life, I'm Mimi, the flea. "

The god was silent, but he smiled subtly.

Chaos came back on my shoulders, purred, and said, " Well, let me tell you the second option, then. You change your level of existence, you do Mercy, you can watch over Adam and Damon and Mimosa, but there are strict rules, and as you may remember what happened to Reyes, how his wife didn't feel she was human anymore, it changes you and soon love, passion becomes another emotion, you become more of a watcher, a guardian, than a doer."

I shook my head. That wasn't a good option, either.

Then the third cat, Miiki's sister Viivi, walked up, looked at her sister, and said "That's chaos and I'm the order, oracle. I send those predictions about you now and then to whomever. And I will present the third option to you. So you get the spark back. It's weak, but then this is a permanent deal. That spark will now really become so permanent that no power, being, or force in the whole multiverse can destroy you, that you are immortal, you will always come back to life, always exist. I can't see the end of time either. I can't know where you will end up, but you will always exist. Even if someone shoots you in a rocket into space and leaves you there, your body will adapt to the coldness of space, and you will live there." 

God looked at me and said " Your life will not be easy, fun, or perfect forever, your life will be so hard, so brutal that you may regret it but then it will be too late, but there will be those times when your soul will sing. When you will experience the full power of love, for better or for worse. Damon will break your heart, literally and spiritually, not just once, but many, many times, and you must keep on loving."

I said, " Give me a spark, I'll take the challenge, and it's only a benefit that I can never die again. This is what I have to do. I'm not supposed to be a guard or at peace. I'm supposed to do, to feel, and to love."

God nodded and said, " A wise choice.- now you get the reward. Brutus and your other friends did what they were meant to do, they fulfilled their purpose. You can be sure of that. They are all right now. They are at peace. They deserve it. Don't blame yourself. Your job is not to be a savior; it belongs to someone else then. Your job is to be chaos. You bring chaos to the plans of the bad guys when you attack them, you bring chaos to the world, and when you take the bad guys out of the equation, you prevent certain things from happening. You bring chaos to the pack, you buy new houses, you study, you are yourself. Be the chaos, enjoy it and even if those flanks are sometimes annoying, know that I gave inspiration to the Salvatore from them. You are the unique creature in the universe, a unicorn that is very hard to tame, and you make Damon the best version of himself now and then. "

I chuckled and said, " Wulfe called me a unicorn who should be free of men."

The oracle came up beside me and said, " You inspire, even those who walk in darkness. You cannot save one whose soul is black, but like Wulfe, he is a question mark. He is a borderline, lost sheep and maybe you can sometimes help him find the light. Sometimes enemies can be your truest allies. You will have, as you have already had, the need to save and help, but remember, you can never save everyone. A soulmate, a true soulmate, is not always a lover. Remember that one can have many soulmates. Losing one will hurt, but the power of love will mend even the deepest of wounds."

I said. "I realize that, but I don't accept it. I want to save as many as I can. "

God said, " As you know, you are what you are. You will not change, and you should not change, but time will give you some perspective, and you will see for yourself how much you have changed in the past. "

I sat back on the sand. It was nice to be here, but I knew that peace was not for me.

After a while, god said, " Come on, you'll get your reward, and then you'll get your spark."

I got up and followed the huge white cat. I noticed that the cat's paws didn't leave any marks on the sand, although my own feet did. Then I saw an enormous table, full of treats, drinks and food. And Brutus and others eat there.

God said, "Well, enjoy, eat a meal together, and notice that they are all well now and no one is sorry. "

I went to my friends and apologized to them for not being able to save, and Brutus said, "You weren't supposed to save us. We did what we were supposed to do and we're proud of it. Never mind if our bodies were burned. Cremation was what I would have wanted, anyway. Flea, you must continue, to inspire others as you inspired us. Show those bastards how fleas do it."

Nobody wanted to give any message to their relatives and even the young men whose wives had been pregnant said, " They will find new men, good men, and our children will live. We left our mark on the world and for that, we are fucking happy. We will meet them sometimes if we are meant to, but we are happy with their new life. That we went out fighting was the best way to go."

Neil said, "I as a doctor know that, I've seen too many slow deaths, and the thought of being forced to live to 90, feeling my body weaken but my spirit stay strong, being trapped in my body, was not the option I wanted. If our murder caused the authorities to shut down the fucking facility and it's going to result in a war against these fucking things, that's just something to be proud of. I have no regrets either, none."

Lucy said, "Mimi, it was our destiny to die there. Our murder brought this facility down. We wouldn't have got it down otherwise, and those experiments would have continued. Just the fact that the authorities saw our bodies being thrown into an illegal incinerator was enough, and now there's one less really sad place in the world. Sark was hit hard and the authorities are watching things more closely, the actions and the consequences. I have no regrets."

We ate and drank.

Liam said, "Well, I am glad you drank yourself into a stupor, means you are just as weak as we rest. Good going and weeks hangover, well you must always win in everything."

 I told them what I had done, and how I had protected my pack, and I also told them my choice. Everyone was thrilled, and they loved the idea of our slab on Lake Lanier. Then it was time to go. I got up from the table, hugged everyone one more time, and followed the big white cat. When I turned around, my friends, the table, and the food were all gone. We went back to sit on the sand.

The cat said, " Lie down, close your eyes and relax. This is going to hurt." 

I did as he said. The pain racked my neck; the pain hit my body, and I felt a gash made by a demon. It burned and tore. The pain was almost too much and then I heard my heart beat. I felt the need to breathe, and I tried to catch my breath. It was weak at first, but then I got air back in my lungs. I knew I was alive.