Ch30

Harry wasn't quite sure what to expect when he walked into History of Magic. That was the only class in which he'd only ever had one teacher for his entire Hogwarts career as ghosts didn't need substitutes. One thing he did suspect was that falling asleep in Sirius's class would be a very bad idea.

Sure enough, Sirius started the class off with a warning against that very thing. "Hello, my name is Professor Black. I used to attend Hogwarts – Go Gryffindor! – and as such I had to endure my predecessor's teaching as well. Frankly, I don't think I was conscious for any of Professor Binns' lectures and I understand that many of you have had that same experience. If you want to fall asleep in my class, I will not stop you but know this: the charms that were mysteriously applied to my classroom recently could very well turn you blue, change your gender, make you unable to use the letter 'e', force you to speak in sonnets, or something else entirely that we haven't discovered, yet. For those of you who don't know how to compose a sonnet…well, you should have stayed awake. I also feel obliged to warn you that those unfortunate enough to disregard my warning found that the Hospital Wing was quite unable to help them out and they're just stuck the way they are for an entire week. Any questions before we begin?"

Immediately, there was a flurry of hands.

----

"Won't you get in trouble for hexing students?" Lavender wanted to know.

"I would," Sirius acknowledged. "It it were me who was hexing them and not my classroom."

"Why haven't you moved to a different classroom?" Seamus asked.

"I tried that with some fifth-year Hufflepuffs," Sirius replied. "It didn't work."

"What happened to Professor Binns?" Parvati asked.

"Professor McGonagall discovered signs of an exorcism in the castle while I was having my interview with the Headmaster and she quickly discovered that Professor Binns was the only ghost unaccounted for," Sirius explained.

"Why were you applying for a position that wasn't likely to vacate anytime soon?" Dean asked.

Sirius looked thoughtfully at him. "You're a Muggleborn, aren't you?"

Dean looked surprised and a little wary. "Yes, how did you know?"

Sirius laughed. "I could tell by all the valid questions; you tend to get those more with people less affiliated with the wizarding world. And I was applying because I was hoping that the Headmaster would rather have a live teacher than a ghost. The fact I was there when the exorcism was discovered was just good timing."

"How did you escape from Azkaban?" Ron asked.

Sirius stiffened. "I'm not sure what you're talking about, young man. I've never been to Azkaban in my life and I challenge you to find any legal documentation that says otherwise."

"Then where were you for most of my life?" Harry piped up, just to be annoying.

"Majorca," Sirius lied easily.

"And yet you abandoned me to my magic-hating relatives?" Harry asked, sounding horrified.

"Hey, I got you a Firebolt, didn't I? What more do you want?" Sirius demanded, crossing his arms.

"Is the curse just if we fall asleep or is it also if we're not paying attention?" Neville asked.

"No idea," came Sirius's reply. "But do you really want to be letting your guard down in a room that hexes sleeping people?"

"Point," Neville admitted.

"Are you going to be falling Professor Binns' curriculum?" Hermione asked naively.

"Nope," Sirius said cheerfully. "All you need to know about the Goblin Rebellions for now is that they keep happening because Goblins have a bloodthirsty nature and Wizards keep trying to subjugate them, such as the Wand Ban of 1631 which prohibited any magic creatures other than witches and wizards from using wands, although that was probably a reaction to the 1612 Goblin Rebellion that took place in Hogsmeade…Be careful of Goblins, kids. They are intelligent, ruthless, and control the money supply."

The students stared at him; that was the first mildly interesting any of them had ever heard about Goblins and they were a bit concerned about what might happen to the economy in the event of another Goblin Rebellion.

"But enough about that; we can cover Goblins when we get nearer to OWLs. Instead, let's talk about Voldemort," Sirius announced.

Immediately, the room was filled with gasps and shudders.

"Are you guys for real?" Sirius asked in disbelief.

Harry quite understood his astonishment. While it was understandable that people had been afraid to use the appellation of 'Voldemort' at the height of his power, twelve years had passed since then and no one except Harry knew what a world where Voldemort was running wild was like so why in the world were they acting so terrified? Harry had more-or-less gotten used to everyone's paranoia, but Sirius had been thrown into Azkaban the minute Voldemort died-ish and had been a fugitive and and/or surrounded by people who actually knew full well the horror Voldemort's reign wrought.

"Tell you what," Sirius decided."Anyone who can use the word 'Voldemort' in a sentence in front of me without twitching, stuttering, or turning pale gets 50 points and I'll agree to 'supervise' one of their detentions. Now, to make a note to tell my other classes…" he muttered, turning to the chalkboard and writing 'VOLDEMORT' in all capitals across the top.

"So we're learning about Voldemort?" Hermione asked immediately.

"We really don't have many facts about Voldemort," Neville chimed in. "Just myths and legends."

Sirius grinned. "100 points to Gryffindor."

"Great," Harry groaned. "Not only does my godfather apparently hate me, but two of my best friends do, too."

"Don't worry, Harry," Ron tried to reassure him. "It's not like I'm going to say it."

"Maybe not now," Harry conceded. "But all things considered, I think we're going to be spending quite a bit of time on He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named."

"Why are you calling Voldemort that?" Hermione asked, curiously. "You never do that."

"Desperate times call for desperate measures," Harry replied seriously.

"Now, to cement my place on the hit list of any self-respecting death eater – that is, if there were any – I'm going to begin by telling you that 'Lord Voldemort' is an alias for one Tom Marvolo Riddle. Fun fact: if you rearrange the letters of 'Tom Marvolo Riddle' you get the words 'I am Lord Voldemort.' So basically the most feared name around is actually just the posturing of a bored teenager who really got lucky that 'Voldemort' means 'flight from death' in French," Sirius said brightly. "Also, Riddle was a half-blood who had daddy issues because his mother, a Pureblood by the name of Merope Gaunt and who was one of Salazaar Slytherin's only heirs, married a Muggle also named Tom Riddle after dosing him with a love potion. Merope Gaunt eventually deluded herself that her little love slave was really in love with her and stopped feeding him the potion. He immediately left her and their unborn child and went home. There's a lesson to be learned from all this. Can anyone tell me what that is?"

"Don't assume the guy your feeding love potions is in love with you and stop?" Lavender suggested.

Seamus blanched and slowly started inching away from her.

Sirius stared at her. "I was actually going to say 'Don't drug people with a love potion' or 'always tell your significant other that you are a witch or wizard before the wedding/a child is conceived in case they don't handle it well so you can Obliviate them and move on', but that was a good – if creepy – guess. Now, once Riddle left Gaunt lost the will to live, peddled her possessions, gave birth at an orphanage and died. Little Riddle resented being abandoned by his father and this may have played a part in his strong anti-Muggle sentiments. Additionally, Gaunt's father and brother also passed away, leaving Riddle the only remaining Heir of Slytherin."

"Does that mean that he opened the Chamber of Secrets 50 years ago?" Dean asked.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, he did and he killed a fellow student of his who many of you may know as 'Moaning Myrtle' from Ravenclaw. Now, does anyone have any questions?"

Once again, there was a flurry of hands.

When Harry got to Potions, Snape was nowhere to be found. Lockhart, however, was standing behind Snape's desk, scowling something fierce.

"Professor Lockhart?" Harry asked, somewhat tentatively. "What are you doing here?"

"Ten points from Gryffindor for your cheek, Potter," Lockhart said curtly.

Harry was puzzled for a moment before the truth dawned on him. "Professor Snape?"

"Ten more points for pointing out the obvious, Potter."

As pleased as Harry was to counteract Hermione and Neville's huge point draw for saying 'Voldemort', he knew that to lose twenty points for very little in reason in less than a minute meant that Snape must be pissed. Clearly Snape's current…predicament…was Sirius's all fault. He was almost glad that Sirius had finally gone ahead and done something; he was getting worried.

"What's Lockhart doing here?" Neville asked quietly as they started working on their Shrinking Solutions.

"It's not really him, it's Snape," Harry whispered back. "I think Sirius pranked him."

"…why?"

"They haven't let go of their Hogwarts rivalry," Harry explained. "Of course, in Snape's defense – and I can't believe I just said that – Sirius did bully him mercilessly for years, helped drive away his only friend, and nearly killed him because Sirius really hates Slytherins. Of course, Snape used to be a Death Eater, so maybe that's a reason Sirius is still upset…"

"And so your godfather is still attacking him now? That's…kind of pathetic," Neville admitted.

Harry shrugged. "Eh, he ate rats for me. I say let him have his fun."

"Are you two chatting or working?" Snape demanded, storming over. "Longbottom, how on God's green Earth did you manage to turn your Shrinking Solution orange?"

Neville glanced down at his potion, which was indeed orange. "Huh, what do you know? It is orange. Isn't it supposed to be green?"

"Indeed," Snape sneered. The effect was kind of ruined by the fact that he still looked and sounded like Lockhart, though, and in fact it was rather comical. "Longbottom, at the end of this lesson we will feed a few drops of this potion to your toad and see what happens. Perhaps that will encourage you to do it properly."

"Alright," Neville nodded before knocking his cauldron over.

Snape looked murderous. "DETENTION!"

After he stormed away, Neville murmured, "It's a good thing Professor Black volunteered to supervise my next detention…"

"Why'd you knock your potion over, Neville?" Hermione asked, shocked. "Now you'll have to start over!"

Neville shrugged. "Better that than risking poor Trevor. You'll help me with the next one, won't you? He might still want to do it."

"Fine," Hermione agreed reluctantly, not wanting any harm to befall Neville's toad and knowing that Potions would never be Neville's strong suit.

"Is Trevor even down here?" Harry inquired.

Ron snorted. "You think that will stop him? Nice job, by the way, Neville. That was awesome!"

"Thanks," Neville smiled. He'd really come a long way.

----

Harry was really looking forward to his first Defense Against the Dark Arts lesson with a teacher that wasn't either a fraud or evil. Or Snape. Although given the fact he pretended to be a loyal death eater and the fact that he'd just tried to kill Trevor, both of those points were debatable.

He remembered that the first lesson was on Boggarts and that it was in the staff room, but he was still a little thrown off to see Snape, still looking like Lockhart, waiting for them. And he had to be waiting for them or else he would have put up more of a fuss about leaving or the third year Gryffindors' presence.

"Possibly no one's told you, Lupin, but this class contains Neville Longbottom. I would advise you to be on your guard as he has spent far too much time with Harry Potter and is liable to cause wanton destruction at the slightest provocation."

Neville glared defiantly at Snape but said nothing, not wanting to push his luck.

"I was hoping that Neville would assist me with the first stage of the operation," Remus said casually. "I'm sure he will perform it with minimal collateral damage."

Neville looked pleased while Snape amused Harry further by showing him how Lockhart would look curling his lip in disgust before leaving.

"Have you spotted it, Harry?" Remus's voice broke through Harry's mental replaying of how hilarious Snape was when he looked like Lockhart.

"Spotted what?" Harry asked automatically.

"What advantage do we have over the Boggart?" Remus repeated.

"We can neutralize its effectiveness by waving our wands, thinking of something amusing, and saying 'Riddikulus'?" Harry guessed.

Remus frowned. "I was actually going to say 'because trying to frighten multiple people will confuse it and it won't know what form to take', but I suppose that is another advantage. Let's practice the charm without our wands first. After me, please…riddikulus!"

Finally, Remus was satisfied that they had the spell down. "Right, Neville. First things first: what would you say is the thing that frightens you most in the world?"

"The thought of Harry as Minister of Magic," Neville replied immediately.

"Hey!" Harry protested while the rest of the class laughed.

"Harry as Minister of Magic…hmmm…Neville, I believe you live with your grandmother?"

"Sure do," Neville said cheerfully. "But she'd be just as scary as Minister, though obviously for different reasons."

"No, no, you misunderstand me," Remus explained. "I wonder, could you tell me what sort of clothes your grandmother usually wears?"

Harry was starting to get a bad feeling about this…

Sure enough, two minutes later an older-looking Harry stepped out of the wardrobe, beaming. "You know," Boggart-Harry said. "Monday is probably the most depressing day ever, let's cancel it. And what's this nonsense about not being able to own a dragon in Britain? I say we give one to anyone with a license. Oh! And we can add a dragon tax to the Pureblood tax! And how did the ghost community respond to my decree to allow Sir Nicholas into the Headless Hunt? I-"

"RIDDIKULUS!" Neville shouted, desperately.

Instantly, Harry was in drag. He didn't think the sight of him wearing a long, lace-trimmed dress, a towering hat topped with a moth-eaten vulture, and swing a huge crimson handbag from his hand was very funny, but apparently the rest of the class disagreed as they were in stitches.

Harry, annoyed by the image and wanting a chance to face the Boggart and knowing that Remus wouldn't be inclined to let him, raced forward. There was a crack and – to Harry's surprise – instead of a Dementor there was a flash of bright green light.

The Killing Curse, Harry realized even as he raised his wand and cried, "Riddikulus!"

As the Avada Kedavra turned into a light show, Harry mused that he really needn't have bothered as his classmates seemed to find his fear of 'green light' hysterical.

"Seriously, Harry? Green Light?" Ron asked through his laughter.

"It was the Killing Curse!" Harry insisted. "I don't want the people I care about to die!"

"I'm sure it is, Harry," Hermione tried to console him but she couldn't keep a straight face.

"Fine," Harry crossed his arms. "Why don't you try it?"

"Maybe I will," Hermione declared before stepping up the Boggart.

There was another crack and McGonagall was standing there, looking disappointed. "I don't know what to say, Ms. Granger. You had so much potential…or at least I thought you did. Now, I don't know what to think. You've failed. Everything. We've never had a student fail everything before and so we're kicking you out of Hogwarts!"

Hermione screamed.

"Hermione," Ron ran up to her. "It's just a Boggart, remember? This isn't real. Imagine…imagine she can only speak in sonnets like Professor Black said!"

Hermione closed her eyes and, voice shaking, shouted, "R-Riddikulus!"

For a moment, nothing happened, then McGonagall continued her rant Shakespeare-style.

"Miss Granger, I just don't know what to say

You've failed everything and that is the truth

Now you must leave Hogwarts at once today

Education is wasted on you youth

"You're a disappointment and a disgrace

No one's ever failed everything before

How dare you even stay and show your face

Foolish girl, hurry and run out the door

"Honestly, you're better off a Muggle

Of course you are clearly so very dim

That even that will end up a struggle

I'm telling you now your future is grim

"This is really for your own good, my dear

That I'm now throwing you out on your rear."

Ron smiled reassuringly at Hermione before he stepped up to face the Boggart.

Crack! McGonagall turned into a six-foot-tall spider covered in hair and clicking its pincers menacingly.

"Riddikulus!" Ron yelled after only a moment's hesitation.

The Spider's legs vanished and the Boggart rolled Lavender's way.

"Thanks, Ron," Hermione said quietly as they watched their classmates deal with the Boggart.

"Don't worry about it," Ron told her. "Seriously, don't. You're brilliant. You're the smartest person I know, except for Dumbledore and sometimes Harry. They would never throw you out."

"Let's give them a moment, shall we?" Harry suggested, pulling Neville off to the side.

"Neville, finish it!" Remus called.

Neville stepped up to the Boggart and it turned back into Minister Harry. "Riddikulus!"

The minute that Boggart was in a dress, there was a loud flash.

Harry spun around and groaned when he saw Draco Malfoy standing at the door, holding a camera.

Draco grinned. "Payback's a bitch, Potter."