Ch15

The following morning, everyone was pleased but mystified as to why giant chocolate pumpkins with a cursory note from the Great Pumpkin wishing them a Happy Halloween. As Harry went down to breakfast, Cedric called out to him.

"I still don't believe you," the older boy said matter-of-factly. "Both about the Great Pumpkin and about the lengths you'd go to to convince me."

"You just don't want to pay up," Harry argued. "And how else do you explain that delightful and thoughtful Halloween gift?"

"I'm sure I don't know," Cedric said. "But you're probably behind it. I don't know how you did it, but it was definitely you."

"God, you're starting to sound like Snape…" Harry muttered. "And what makes you think that I'm worthy to be the Great Pumpkin's assistant anyway?"

"I don't think you're worthy to be the Great Pumpkin's assistant because the Great Pumpkin is not real," Cedric said slowly.

Harry looked pained. "See if the Great Pumpkin comes to visit you next year. I bet next you'll say that you don't believe in Santa Claus."

Cedric's brow furrowed. "But I DON'T-"

"Silence!" Harry held up his hand. "I will not hear your lies. Good day." With that he walked over to the Gryffindor table and, after a moment's debate, sat down across from Ginny. He did promise he'd try, after all; he just wished she'd hurry up and get over him so he could pursue her. As convoluted as that sounded.

"Hey Ginny," Harry greeted her. "Like your pumpkin?"

Ginny, who had begun to blush the minute he sat down, brightened. "Uh-huh. I'm not entirely sure that I believe in this 'Great Pumpkin', but if he's willing to give me massive amounts of chocolate, I guess I can play along."

"That's the spirit," Harry beamed. "But don't ask Luna about it."

Ginny cocked her head at him curiously and Harry remembered that since the two lived so close together they were already more-or-less friends. "Why not?"

"If the teachers heard some of her theories on the Great Pumpkin, they might ban any visits in future years," Harry confided.

"Ah," Ginny said, as if that explained everything. When it came to Luna, it usually did.

"I can't find it!" Hermione complained as she slid in next to Ginny. Ron and Neville each took a place on one side of Harry.

"Can't find what?" Harry asked, genuinely confused.

"Both copies of Hogwarts: A History have been checked out!"

"I see. May I ask why in the world that book is so popular when I know for a fact that the last person before you to check it out was my mother?" Harry asked.

"Everyone wants information about the Chamber of Secrets," Neville told him. "The pumpkins were a nice distraction to stop everyone from panicking, but there was still a mad library rush this morning."

"And Hermione made us come along with her to look for a copy. When she found out that both copies were gone, she made us look around the library like she thought Madame Pince was lying to her and was secretly stashing extra copies under the tables and in the Restricted Section. Boy was searching there without Madame Pince noticing fun," Ron added, shuddering.

"But Hermione, don't you remember that last year I got you a copy of that exact book? Why ever do you need to check one out from the library?" Harry inquired. He vaguely remembered getting her that book the year before and, though he wasn't particularly interested in her answer, he didn't put it past some of the people who were far-too-interested in his life (not that he minded, this time around) to drive themselves crazy wondering about it.

"With all those Lockhart books we needed, there wasn't room in my trunk for it," Hermione explained. "So I had to leave it at home."

"You wasted all that space with Lockhart books but you couldn't bring Hogwarts: A History?" Ron asked, rolling his eyes. "No, you definitely don't have a crush on him."

Hermione didn't blush like Ron clearly expected her to. " 'Wasted'? Ron, those Lockhart books are our textbooks. Of course I brought them. It would make no sense to leave any of my textbooks at home so I could bring a personal reading book, particularly when the library has two copies and usually nobody uses them."

"Although this doesn't explain why you didn't carry it on with you or have it owled to you," Neville pointed it out.

"My parents aren't comfortable with owls," Hermione explained. "And I suppose it just didn't occur to me to carry it on. I can't be expected to think of everything."

"Why didn't you wake me?" Harry asked, a little annoyed that he missed an excellent opportunity to cause chaos. Now that she mentioned it, he did distantly remember Hermione not having a copy of the book in the original timeline for those exact same reasons.

"We tried," Neville assured him. "You started hexing us."

"I don't remember this," Harry said, rubbing his chin thoughtfully.

"That's because you were still asleep," Ron said.

"Oh honestly," Hermione scoffed. "It's not like he sleeps with his wand under his pillow."

Ginny giggled at the look on Harry's face.

"Well, actually, I kind of do," he corrected her. "Sorry I sleep-hexed you guys, but I'm glad I wasn't too sleep-annoyed or else you would probably still be in the Hospital Wing."

"Yeah, that's great Harry," Hermione said distractedly and with absolutely no sympathy for the suddenly wary-looking Ron and Neville. "But in the meantime, how am I supposed to learn about what happened to Mrs. Norris and the Chamber of Secrets?"

Harry snapped his fingers. "Oh, that's right, I almost forgot." Harry stood up on top of his seat and cast a quick "Sonorous."

"Attention everyone," he boomed. The students all looked at him in interest and several teachers looked mildly annoyed. No one tried to stop him, though, which was always good. Dumbledore wasn't in the Great Hall to try and censor him for the students 'own good' which was better.

"It has come to my attention that no one except my best none-Quartet friend," Harry did his best to stop from flinching at the word 'Quartet' which he still had a strange aversion to, "Luna Lovegood and I know what actually happened last night. This isn't because I'm famous and she's awesome, although we certainly are that. It's because we're reporters and reporters always know everything before anyone else does. After all, if we didn't, we'd be kind of unemployed. But anyway! Last night a supposedly dead parent-betrayer illegal rat animagus whose name my scar is not clear on but is fairly certain rhymes with 'Peter Pettigrew' broke into the castle – in illegal rat animagus form – and opened the Chamber of Secrets."

"Why would he do that?" Percy asked, skeptical.

"Because he was possessed by an evil diary that used to belong to Tom Riddle. That's right, you heard me: Lord Bloody I'm-So-Scary-No-One-Can-Bear-To-Say-My-Name Voldemort," Harry paused to wait for the gasps to die down, "kept a diary. Granted, he enchanted it to cause anyone else who writes in it to open up the Chamber of Secrets and attack people, but it's still a diary. And for that matter who writes in another person's diary? That's just kind of bizarre and definitely in bad taste…"

"Are you saying you know what's in the Chamber of Secrets?" Justin Finch-Fletchley (who Harry was slightly peeved at for shunning him when Harry was over at the Hufflepuff table to talk to Cedric) asked, fear obvious in his voice.

"Yes," Harry said simply.

"Is that because you're responsible for-" Ernie MacMillan began.

Harry, in the interest of quelling the soon-to-be-rampant (especially after what he had planned for the Dueling Club) rumors about him being the Heir of Slytherin and not letting the rather pompous Ernie steal his precious spotlight, quickly cut him off. "No, no it is not. Trust me: if I were responsible for this I wouldn't be hiding my ability and I certainly wouldn't be petrifying people for free. Instead, I would market it."

It was almost sad how convinced everyone looked at that. They wouldn't necessarily believe he would never petrify anybody, but they would believe he was that obsessed with money. He wasn't, really, it was all just a game. A test to see just how far he could use his fame before there was a backlash. "There is a basilisk in the Chamber of Secrets. You can get the full story about the Chamber in Hogwarts: A History, but unfortunately there is apparently a huge waiting list for the school's TWO those of you who don't know, a basilisk is a giant snake – the one in our school is approximately sixty feet long – that has very poisonous fangs and will kill you if you make eye contact. If you look at its reflection, you will only be petrified. Fortunately, I have a supply of mirrors, books, and Mandrake Potion – which will unpetrify you – on hand. The Mandrake Potion is free but the mirrors are ten sickles each and the books are five galleons. For an extra five sickles, I can sign your book. That will be available after breakfast."

"And how do you know all of this?" Justin repeated.

"My scar told me," Harry said. "That's all you really need to know."

"I don't think scars work like that," Penelope Clearwater said, frowning.

"Who's the one with a one-of-a-kind killing curse scar, you or me?" Harry asked her rhetorically. When she didn't answer, he continued. "I think that makes ME the expert. Now, Filch's cat has already be unpetrified and while that may annoy some of you, know that this is also proof that the Mandrake Potion is both effective and quick, so even though the fact that the Basilisk is moving through the pipes means it can appear anywhere at anytime, as long as you always use a mirror to look around a corner, you should be fine. Now, who wants to buy something?"

Harry was immediately mobbed.

----

"Harry, are you sure this is entirely ethical?" Hermione asked him later that day as they were heading over to look at the place where Mrs. Norris was petrified. Apparently someone had turned the blood-red lettering of Riddle's message neon-pink. "Using people's panic to make a profit and withholding potentially life-saving tools in times of crisis?"

"Relax, Hermione," Harry told her. "No one really needs Hogwarts: A History and now that so many people are buying it, the waiting list in the library should be much more reasonable for those that can't afford it. The mirror is essential but lots of people possess hand-held mirrors and just bought one from me because they are trademark Harry Potter Mirrors and for those that don't have a mirror and need one, I consulted some of the less well-off students and ten sickles is a very reasonable price. As for profiting off of everyone's panic, well…guilty as charged. But you heard Neville! I also stopped people from panicking with my pumpkins."

"That was you?" Ron asked, wide-eyed.

"Of course it was," Hermione said rolling her eyes. "What did you think; there actually was a Great Pumpkin out there you've never heard of until today?"

"Maybe?"

"Hey, isn't this where all the water came from last night?" Harry asked. "Let's go see where it came from."

"Alright," Hermione agreed and headed in.

Ron didn't move. "I can't go in there!"

"Why not?" Neville asked.

"That's a girl's bathroom!" Ron said gruffly.

"Oh grow up," Harry advised. "In a couple more years you'll be begging for a reason to come in here. Besides, there are just stalls in girl's bathrooms so it's not like you'd even see anything anyway."

Looking incredibly reluctant, Ron allowed Neville and Harry to pull him into the bathroom, where, to their surprise, they found Luna trying to talk Hermione into getting a subscription to the Quibbler. She didn't appear to be making much progress.

"I wouldn't bother with her just yet, Luna," Harry told her. "She's just not ready."

Immediately, Luna's expression became much more somber. "I am so sorry," she said sincerely.

"What do you mean you're sorry? For what? And what am I not ready for?" Hermione demanded, looking a bit affronted.

"You're not ready for the Quibbler," Harry said.

Hermione, who looked as if she were of the opinion that it was the Quibbler that was not ready for her, narrowed her eyes. "Why not?"

"Because you didn't even consider the possibility that the Great Pumpkin is real," Luna said matter-of-factly.

Hermione did a double take. "How do you even know that?"

"You were debating its existence with Neville when you were in the library this morning," Luna explained.

"What were you doing in the library?" Hermione asked, uncertain she wanted to know.

"Checking out two copies of Hogwarts: A History," Luna replied brightly.

Harry laughed. "I love you Luna, I really do."

Hermione could only gape wordlessly and with not a little outrage at the blonde Ravenclaw. She had spent three hours looking for a copy, after all.

Seeing this, Neville quickly stepped in. "So, why does that disqualify Hermione from being Quibbler material."

Luna gave him an amused look. "If you can't even entertain that notion, then you will NOT be able to handle some of our more interesting news."

"What are you even doing here, Luna?" Harry asked conversationally.

"I was doing a follow-up interview with Myrtle here," Luna said, gesturing towards the ghost who had until that point been hiding in one of the toilets. "Seeing as how she left so abruptly last night after Peeves started teasing her."

"You really shouldn't let him get to you like that," Harry added. "He's just bitter that the ghosts won't accept him because he's not technically dead and he has no purpose but to cause as much havoc as possible. Now, while Fred, George, and I may think that that is a noble mission, I'm sure being completely isolated at all times since the beginning of your existence must get a little frustrating at times and so he took it out on you. He can't really do anything about the isolation, either, because just imagine what would happen if there were to be two Poltergeists at Hogwarts."

Everyone took a moment to contemplate that and quickly realized that Harry was right and that must never, ever be allowed to happen.

"I know," Myrtle admitted. "But sometimes he just gets to be too much! I mean, I was killed right at the height of puberty so not only am I eternally bespectacled and acne-ridden, but I'm hormonal as hell and liable to cry at the drop of a hat."

"I am so sorry," Harry told her honestly.

"Not to mention I was on my period at the time…"

Harry could only wince. He'd had plenty of second-hand experience with PMS. "Wow. That…that sucks. I'm sorry."

Myrtle nodded. "Thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I think I'm about to cry for no reason I can think of so I'd like to be alone now."

"Bye," Luna said waving. "Thanks for the interview."

"RON!" Percy Weasley shouted the minute they emerged from the bathroom. "That's a girl's bathroom! What were you-?"

"Ron's considering a sex change," Harry said seriously. "He's still undecided, so we're showing him all the differences there will be if he ever goes through with it and going to the girls' bathroom instead of the boys' will definitely be one of them."

Percy opened and closed his mouth a few times but no sound came out.

"You prat," Ron swatted at Harry. "I am not."

"Thank God," Percy said, relieved. "I don't even want to think about how I would explain how you became 'Ronnie' to Mother. But as a prefect, I'm still obligated to ask what you were doing in there."

"We-" Harry began but Ron shot him a glare.

"I'll handle this, if you don't mind," Ron took a deep breath. "We went to go stare at the pink writing and then Harry decided to go investigate why the girls' bathroom flooded and when I said that I couldn't go in there he assured me that once puberty hit I'd be singing a different tune and when we got in there, Harry's friend Luna was interview Moaning Myrtle, Myrtle got depressed, and we left."

Percy blinked. "No, really, why were you in there?"

"That's what happened," Ron insisted.

"I swear I must be getting old," Percy muttered. "Do you have any idea how this looks? Coming back here when everyone else is down at dinner…"

"So nobody will see us up here," Harry shrugged. "Besides, everyone's been coming up to stare at the wall all day. There's really not much to do around here. Hogwarts is surprisingly dull as far as magical schools go."

"It is not!" Hermione and Percy exclaimed, scandalized, simultaneously.

"You know, at Durmstrang the Forbidden Forest isn't a detention waiting to happen: it's a rite of passage. And one third of Beauxbatons students aren't fully human. Imagine how exciting those schools must be on a day to day basis," Harry said dreamily.

"We have a Basilisk; that's exciting," Ron said defensively.

"Not really; it's only attacked a cat. At Hogwarts we need Voldemort himself to come and liven things up despite the fact that he's dead," Harry replied.

"Oh honestly, Ron, it's just a name," Hermione said exasperated as the boy had flinched upon hearing Riddle's alias. This time, Harry had taken great pains to ensure that Hermione never succumbed to ridiculous wizarding practices of refusing to actually refer to Voldemort as anything but 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' or 'You-Know-Who.' After all, if they called him 'He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named' then they were, in fact, naming him and what if people DIDN'T know who?

"How can You-Know-Who be causing problems if he's dead?" Percy asked, frowning. "Is he a ghost?"

"No, he's just mostly dead," Harry explained.

"Mostly dead?" Neville repeated. "What's the difference?"

"There's a big difference between mostly dead and all dead. Now, mostly dead is slightly alive. Now, all dead...well, with all dead, there's usually only one thing that you can do," Luna said, grinning.

"Go through his clothes and look for loose change," Harry finished. "I love Princess Bride! You know," he said, turning to his three best friends. "I don't know what it is, but lately Luna's been beating you guys in the friends department hands down."

"It's not our fault we're not insane," Hermione said, crossing her arms. "No offense, Luna."

"Why would I be offended?" Luna asked. "I've seen your version of sanity. It bores me."

"Hey, why were you up here?" Neville asked. "Isn't that as suspicious as us being up here, even if you are a Prefect? In fact, I'd say its even more suspicious as you're old enough to conceivably know how to petrify someone and we aren't."

"I-" Percy began, turning very red.

"Oh, he was probably just off making out with Penelope Clearwater, his girlfriend," Harry guessed.

"Just…just go down to dinner," Percy said hastily, shaking his head and hurrying away.