It's just a shame...!

I don't understand the boys. Seriously. They're a gender I don't understand and I don't think I ever will. My experience with guys is very poor. In fact, I've never had one. Crushes? Yes, but never a crush has turned into something more. The truth is that I shut myself off, I don't let anyone in, or rather, only who I want and those people are Dylan and Alison. I have low self-esteem and this may be affecting my relationships. Maybe by complaining too much that I don't like myself I push people away but it's stronger than me. My brain reasons in its own way and if in a moment I find something that I like, there is everything to knock me down and I allow it because my strength does not exist and it has never existed. Linked to my insecurity, there is also the subject of boys, in fact my mechanism works in two ways: either I push them away with my pessimism about myself or I don't approach them for the fear that they could make fun of me and hurt me.

In my opinion, Nathan is a handsome guy and also intelligent, but he doesn't show it. He shows that tough, cocky face to make the others see that he's strong, that he's a leader and that he has no feelings, but everyone does. No matter how hard a person tries to hide them, they can't send them away, they can't not have them and Nathan has feelings behind that arrogance and no matter how hard he tries to hide them sooner or later something will come out.

While I'm thinking about these things, Alison and Dylan are talking about a dinner party and a waiter who, according to Dylan, was staring too much at Alison. Yes, he's very jealous.

"Hey, earth to Rebe. What are you thinking about? Maths?" calls Alison to me.

"Huh? No, I'm not thinking about maths," I reply recovering.

"What then? Did something happen this morning? Why aren't you eating anyway?"

"No, nothing happened this morning and I'm not hungry, I ate some biscuits an hour ago" I say lying but they don't know that.

"I heard a rumour this morning that you and Nathan left the gym together" Alison tells me.

"Yeah, we left the gym early because Nathan hit me with the ball while he was playing basketball with the others and he walked me to the nurse's office even though there wasn't all that much need" I tell him.

"Maybe he was just trying to be nice," Dylan says.

"This is Nathan Jones we're talking about, not just any, Dylan. The only time I've ever seen him sorry was when the sex education classes ended. That says all."

"Actually Dylan is true. Nathan is someone who has always joked about this subject and who teases many girls and makes them feel bad. I certainly wouldn't be surprised if he made a sexual advance on you," Alison said.

"Oh but he did. He told me that to make it up he could offer me a fuck" I tell him.

"You obviously didn't accept, did you?" asks Dylan and I glare at him.

"No of course I accepted. We secluded ourselves in a small room and we had sex. Do you think Dylan I would be stupid enough to give my virginity to someone like him?" I ask him wryly

"We never know what's going on in your little mathematical brain" he retorts and I look at him even worse than before and call him stupid.

"Ha ha ha. That's funny. No anyway, he's a good looking guy, shame about the bad reputation" I say sadly "although, you know, if he was a good looking guy I wouldn't go for it anyway" I continue

"You wouldn't because you never jump in and we've always told you that you're wrong" says Alison

"Don't start with the speech about my unnecessary insecurity. You know I'm a lost case" I tell him, making him shake his head and sigh.

Just as I finish my sentence, the bell rings and we say goodbye and we make an appointment outside the school at three o'clock. I head to my next class, which is English. I enter the classroom and I sit in the third row, not too far ahead but not too far behind either. I pull out my English book as I feel the chair next to me move and crawl across the floor. I look up and see that it's Nathan and that makes me roll my eyes. At the same time it makes me weird since he usually never sat next to me.

"My asshole best friend went out early so I decided to grace you with my lovely presence" he tells me

"Hm what a blessing. I feel really honoured to have you by my side" I reply sarcastically.

"That's good, not every girl gets my attention and gets this huge honour" he boasts.

"Whatever you say"

"Do you answer everyone like that? No, because that explains why you're always alone in class."

"Point one: no, I don't answer to everyone like that, only to stupid people. Point two: I'm not always alone, I simply prefer to have few friends but true and loyal than many friends and false. Then I don't have to justify myself to you for my friendships" I reply, looking at him badly.

"It's too bad you're so defensive, you're also very pretty..." he says the moment the teacher enters.

Wait a minute. Did he just say I'm pretty? Yes, but it's Nathan and he is never serious.

The lesson is boring and I almost fall asleep, maybe because I haven't had lunch or because I have never liked literature. Next to English is Maths and strangely my energy seems to have returned. We correct the exercises and when the teacher calls to the blackboard everyone keeps quiet or lowers their gaze, so I raise my hand. I've always enjoyed going to the blackboard, not to be a kiss-ass, but to see my abilities even on exercises not given at home. The problem is that it is always me who goes and she does not always accept me as a volunteer and today is the day he does not want to. She decides to call Nathan but he hasn't even opened his book and as everyone has noticed, the teacher has also noticed and she sends him off.

The end-of-school bell rang and everyone got up and after packing their backpacks headed for the exit. The teacher calls me and Nathan, who are the last ones left in the classroom.

"Nathan, are you aware that if you continue like this you will not pass the year? The days of being given grades are over, so you have to start studying or you will fail. I thought that Rebeca, as one of the best in the class, could help you. If she's up for it of course, you can start tomorrow and I'll see your improvement in the next assignment. I have a lot of confidence in her and I hope you can help him improve," says the teacher, and right now I wish I was a dork at maths. I hate when people put their trust in me, especially a teacher.

Nathan gives a "I can't wait to stress you out" smirk as I hold back the big 'no' I'm screaming inside and accept his proposal.