Falling
"Anyway, you're even prettier when you're angry".
These were the words that Nathan said to me before saying goodbye. They left me speechless, but only because it was the second compliment of the day that Nathan had given me and a part of me couldn't help but be happy and shaken. Compliments are a beautiful thing for me, but my problem is that I think they are making fun of me and I don't believe them. Nathan's compliment left me a little confused because it is not like him and he is used to teasing girls. He has a habit of getting them into bed by making them think they're important and that they mean something to him but then he throws them away like they're objects. I don't want to be his victim so I convince myself that he was just messing with me.
"Hey, how come you're so late?" asks Dylan when I get to the school gate.
"No, it's just that in last year's class the teacher practically forced me to tutor Nathan because he sucks at maths," I tell him briefly.
"Today it's all to you eh..." Alison says.
"But finally the question in English? How did it go?" I ask trying to change the subject"
"It wasn't at school. I swear as soon as I saw the substitute teacher entered the classroom I was so happy" she tells me "some of them even shouted and were filmed".
"In fact I heard someone shouting when I went to make some photocopies. Anyway, I heard there's a party at Madison's house this weekend," Dylan says.
"Don't count me out, you know how I feel about parties" I tell him right off the bat.
"We know, but that doesn't mean we're going to stop pushing. You need to have some fun Rebe, you're always locked in your house or mine. When we ask you to go out you say no and we end up staying home and watching Netflix" Alison complains.
What they say is true, I stay at home most of my time and when they ask me to go somewhere I refuse. The truth is that I don't like having so many people around and that's why I hate parties. There are too many people and especially boys and girls smoking and drinking and I hate both the smoke and the smell of alcohol. Parties are not for me, I'm very reserved, I can't loosen up and I can't dance. I like to be on my own or with Alison and Dylan or my two brothers, but nothing more.
"Make an exception this time and come with us. You owe us that much," Alison points her finger at me.
"'You know how this is going to end: I'm going to isolate myself. But if you really want to...Fine, I'll come" I humour them and they cheer for their victory "but don't expect me to socialise with anyone" I warn them "and don't try to make me socialise"
When I arrive home I take my diary and I see the homework I have to do for the next day but since there are only questions that we have already planned and two hours of explanation of Italian in which I will be bored to death I decide not to do anything. Usually I get an advantage by copying the notes but today I don't feel like it.
I lie down on the bed and pick up the phone. I scroll through, without reading, the messages on the class group to get the notification off and then I go to Instagram for a bit. My Whats App groups are muted for a year, although for me they should put on forever. The only group with active notification is the one where it's me, Dylan and Alison. I also have a family group but I don't really answer there either.
I feel my stomach growling from hunger but despite that, I'm not going to get up and eat. I sit down and reach into my backpack and grab my headphones. I plug them into my phone and then scroll through my spotify playlist looking for a song that can describe how I'm feeling right now.
I honestly don't know how I feel, my life doesn't suck that much but I'm not completely satisfied with myself. I know I should eat something but my guilt feelings won't let me. I also know that I should do something about it but I don't. I know I should talk to my parents or at least someone about it but I don't do that either. I feel so useless and empty sometimes, but I don't know why and so as a result I don't do anything to feel better. I want to tell Dylan and Alison how I feel but I don't want to bother them or make them waste their time on me because that's how I feel about myself. Falling by Harry Styles rings in my ears and I think it's really the song that reflects me right now. When I start to feel better about myself and eat I always fall back into the same cycle and that leads me to be like this. Emptiness, nothing, darkness.
"What am I now?
What am I now?
What if I'm someone I don't want around?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin'
What if I'm down?
What if I'm out?
What if I'm someone you won't talk about?
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' again
I'm fallin' "
Sometimes I really wish I was someone else, I wish I was different, maybe less emotional, sensitive and weak. I would like to understand the reasons why I am like this but I can't, at least not now. At some point I feel someone shake me and I open my eyes and see Josh trying to tell me something. I take my headphones off and ask him what he wants. "Mom and dad are at work so it's just us for dinner. What do you want to eat?"
Nothing: my head would like to say.
"I see there's later. But is dad coming home or is he not coming tonight too?"
"He's not coming back. He came back this morning, but he left at noon," he says.
"Alright. Anyway tonight we're going to watch some episodes of The Flash, would you like that?" I ask him.
"Not tonight because Jace is coming over and he's staying over" he informs me.
"Ah okay. I'll take the opportunity to catch up with you guys then."
Jace is his best friend. He's known him since high school and they haven't been apart since. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, he's kind and very intelligent. He would be the ideal guy for a girl who dreams of prince charming, but that girl isn't me even though I had a very small crush on him that went away very quickly. Jace is polite but I've never had a chance to talk to him but it doesn't matter, and it's better for me.