State of Misery

(Ivan Radcliffe)

It had been 23 days since I last heard from Sofia. That night, after I dropped her, I kept her keychain back in the drawer. I had got it fixed for her. I assumed it meant a lot to her, perhaps a gift from someone dear to her. I had planned out the entire night, I was going to take her to the fair later. Take her on the ferris wheel, tell her how she fascinated me. I guess it didn't mean much to her.

Catherine had been a pain for the past weeks. She was desperately trying to get back with me. She followed me to the clubs and parties I attended. It was unavoidable.

I kept myself occupied at work, yet, at random moments, random things reminded me of Sofia and I kept telling myself to stop. Not everyone is worth it, I guess.

After three weeks of misery, I was able to focus on work without Sofia paying visit to my thoughts and there she was. At my gate. I was mad at her. I wanted to walk away, not look at her. I was battling my thoughts. I was so glad to see her cute face. I had missed her. But things were going to be different. I wouldn't let her in this time, if there even was a second chance.

"I've missed you too." I heard her say and felt a sense of relief when she said that.

I turn back and look at her. She was in tears.

"After Adam died, I've been blaming myself. We were in the middle of an argument in the cab, on the way back home from a party. I don't remember what the argument was about, but the next thing

I know is I wake up in the hospital, alone. Adam isn't there. He wasn't on the bed beside me, he wasn't in the hospital. I had woken up four days after the accident. His family had already buried him." She cried. "I didn't get to see him, the last thing I told him was what a horrible person he was. I've spent the rest of my life ever since, writing to him, dreaming about him, wondering if he's found peace. I know he regrets fighting with me too. I just wish things weren't like this. I feel guilty for letting myself think of a world where he doesn't exist. I'm a horrible person." she continues crying.

I go closer to her; I wanted to hug her and comfort her. I wanted to take the sadness away.

She looks at me and continues, "I'm terrified. Of the things I am capable of feeling. You're comforting, Ivan. You feel like home, but I'm afraid to be hurt again. More than that, I'm afraid of hurting you. You deserve better, not someone who's sad and boring." She cries softly.

"Do you think he'd be happy?" I ask her.

"Huh?" she says, looking at me.

"Looking at you, being miserable. Blaming yourself. You think he would like to see you this way?" I ask her.

She looks at me for a couple of seconds, "No." she manages to tell.

"He'd want you to be happy. If you love someone, you'd want them to be happy, even if you're not a part of it." I tell her.

"As far as I am concerned, I just want to be there for you. I'm not going to fix you Sof, you don't need to be fixed. I will be there every time you fall. Because you're worth it. Not anyone, just you."

Just you, Sofia Malitz.