State of Denial

I worked hard every day. Sometimes beyond my work hours. I was hardly getting sleep and I walked around like a zombie. In the evenings I rushed to Absolem. I had to take care of the place as Simon couldn't do everything by himself. It wasn't advisable for him to work at all. I was more than happy to assist him.

I let myself think about Ivan once a while. I was so horrible to him and he had planned so much. I felt awful. I was supposed to make things easier for him after Catherine, but I ruined it. I didn't have the courage to do so. The guilt died down after a few days and it had been almost a month since that day. I missed him. I had missed him everyday but I was too scared to admit it. Maybe because I was afraid, he wouldn't have felt it.

'It was too late' I thought to myself. I had written a couple of letters to him, explaining my complex emotions, of how I needed some time to get back to who I was, but couldn't get myself to post them or give it to him. I decided to do it on my way back. Four letters, apologizing in various ways. The level going from guilt to almost missing him, to how horrible I felt.

I give Simon his usual cup of coffee and rush back home. It was almost 11 pm. I had to wake up early, I rushed to a familiar place, Cavour Avenue. I thought about the night I had come to invite him and we spoke for the first time. Ivan was always so kind to me. I felt guilt creeping in all over again.

I reach his lane and see that his lights were still on. I quickly take the letters out.

"Ivan what's the problem here?" I hear Catherine shouting. They were coming outside. I froze. Oh no. I wasn't supposed to be seen.

"I don't feel anything for him Ivan. I've been trying to persuade you for the past two hours. Are you really going to give up on us?" she says.

I didn't want to eavesdrop but this was getting interesting. I tried my best to hide.

Ivan was speaking very softy. I could hardly hear him. Before I knew it, Catherine was marching towards the gate. A car stopped behind me and Catherine gets into it. She seemed furious. It was

kinda scary.

"Sofia, is that you?" Ivan asks looking surprised. I make a run for it and he comes and stands in front of me.

"You wrote me letters?" he says and he looks at me. He was angry, I could tell.

"Yes" I tell him and look down.

"You can't do this." He looks at me seriously. "You can't just disappear and then come back when you want. You cannot write me letters instead of telling me what you felt. You definitely cannot apologize over the letter."

I look at him surprised and sad. I deserved to listen all this. I was his friend and I abandoned him.

Somehow, it felt like I had betrayed him. Especially when something was budding in between us, I chickened out. He deserved to know the truth, at least some parts of it.

"You know why I don't want your letters Sof? It's not because I'll probably re read it a thousand times, imagining dozens of scenarios in my head as I read it. Possibilities of how the conversation could go. But because I want that one scenario. The one where you tell me what it is, so that moment remains in my head, forever."

My eyes widen in surprise. My heart started beating fast.

"You can't make me miss you and disappear." I had goosebumps when the words left his mouth. Ivan Radcliffe had missed me? I had some impact on him.

"I didn't know what to tell you Ivan. There are things from my past, I don't know. I'm sorry. I know it won't fix anything but I'm sorry. I've been working hard to forget what I'd been through and it's just taking a toll on me."

"I get it. Thanks for stopping by Sofia. I'll take these." He says and takes the letters from my hand and walks away.

I didn't move. Was I going to just let him go? For how long was I going to be stuck in this loop.

There was chemistry, unexplainable excitement when I was in the same room as him. The way he looked at me, the way he took care of me. Was I ready to trust again?

I had to start somewhere, take baby steps. I'd tell him my side of the story. I was terrified of the consequences. Would he still want to be there? Once he hears my story. Or would he look down on me, maybe feel sorry for me. Both were equally horrible.

As I watch Ivan walking away, 'It's for the best.' I tell myself and turn to walk away.

I stop midway. Not this time Sofia. I'm not running away this time.

"Ivan, wait." I turn back and shout. He stops walking. "I've missed you too." I say and he turns behind and smiles.

It felt right.