Eighteen

I wasn't sure how to feel about him being in my home now that I've admitted out loud that I have a thing for him. I was in my room sitting on the bed trying to calm my breathing. I was probably having my first panic attack and it's all because of the man who is standing in my kitchen right now. I don't think I've come to terms with the fact that I have feelings for a man who abused me for so long. I lift my head up and stand behind my door looking in the mirror I had hung there.

I looked the same but everything felt different. I felt more whole. Less fractured, more in control than I have been as of late. My eyes were back to their normal auburn color. I hear a knock on my door and jump. My heart started pounding against my chest again. I didn't know if it was because it frightened me or because I knew who knocked.

"Athea? Are you okay?" He sounded like he was leaning to the door with his hand poised to knock again in any minute. I could practically see it. I've opened my door at his house so many times to see him leaning against the door frame hand poised to knock in a lazy way to not be able to see it.

I just laid on the bed in the room that Ryan showed me to and called mine. It was clean, pristine and smelt much better than the cellar. Ryan walked in with a fluffy looking towel and some clean pajamas for me to wear. They looked like they were his but I wouldn't say anything. I'm finally somewhere clean and with easier access to the outside world. I would have to bide my time because he probably expects me to try something shortly.

I hear my bedroom door crack open effectively pulling me out my flashback and back into reality.

"Hey. Do you wanna talk about your big revelation or..."His hand was hovering a few inches from my arm. He got pretty good about knowing when to give me space and when to push me until I broke. However he wasn't sure what to do right now. I honestly, don't know what I want him to do right now either so I can't even help him figure it out.

"Um... not really. Not with you at least." I sighed and sat on my bed playing with the fabric of my shirt. Just like I did all those months ago. I feel like I've been reduced back to the shy girl that he broke. I was just trying to figure out what to say next and I was feeling hopeless.

"What are you thinking about?" His head was cocked to the side in curiosity.

"When you brought me clean clothes and a towel. I was really excited being able to sleep somewhere warm and clean." My face reddens because I never told him that even though I was somewhere besides the cellar I wasn't going to be much help with his sleep schedule. I was probably going to want to sleep in the room with him too.

"Yeah. I um.. I liked you that night. I was in denial. I just when I walked to the bathroom and you weren't there I would have hurt you again until I saw you downstairs. I realized that even if you wanted to go home you wouldn't because of me. I realized that I had done enough to you and how even when you were quiet and obedient I still beat you. I felt for you when you apologized for being a nuisance then seeing you in that baby doll dress my sister picked out I realized once again how attractive you are. It also threw in my face how I was attracted to you the day you ran into me at your publishing house. I was glad that the dress was winterized for you. My sister had it altered so it would look right to wear."

"Is that why even though you seemed mad at me you weren't as mean about telling me to shut up when the party starts?" I was genuinely curious. We were laying back on my bed feet touching the floor. I turned my head towards him.

"Yeah." He leans into me making my face turn a darker shade of red. He had turned so he was staring me in my eyes. "And then when you said no because you didn't want Brad to touch you... I actually could have done much worse but held myself back because I didn't think killing someone in front of you was a good idea."

"Nope. Wouldn't have been." I said popping the p on nope for emphasis.

I look at him with flushed cheeks and a small smile. It was nice to talk to him about what happened but I felt better talking to Pat because she's helped me realized I have a thing for my kidnapper. He places a small kiss on my forehead and walks out my room closing my door. I sigh as my body slows down its' hum of pleasure, adrenaline and anticipation when he is near.

I walk into my bathroom and warm up my bath water. Today was a relaxing bath kind of day. I heard my bedroom door open after I climbed in the tub and the bubbles covered me. The bathroom door opened seconds later to Ryan standing there.

"Um.. privacy? I'm not your captive anymore." I shake my head in irritation and slight amusement.

"Sorry. I just, I can understand if you're confused-" He started but I had to cut him off.

"Ryan I have been confused since the day we met. Then more confusion when you kidnapped me and even more when you let me go without a fight. " I say while twisting my hair into a bun to keep it from getting wet. I just washed my hair and didn't need it getting greasy. "When Mark kissed me, I could only think of you. I then started thinking about your lips constantly. When you were in my kitchen that same night even though I was terrified I was practically screaming for you to kiss my lips instead of my forehead. " I figured with that he would realize how confused I've been as of late. "But now instead of you being in my every thought you're in my home I don't want you to leave. I want you to stay here and spend time with me but you can't."

"Well, Athea, I must leave because Mack, your mom and your dad all said they are coming over tonight to spend some time with you. I can't be here and don't want to risk running into your father." He said recalling the texts he read when he looked in my phone to see what was up.

"Fine." I start to stand up and he shakes my towel open shielding my body from him. I step out the tub wrapping it around me and follow him to my room. I was not looking forward to them being here and thought about canceling on them multiple times today but I couldn't.

"I'll come back later. Just let me know when their gone and I'll come through the front door instead of the window." He chuckles as I roll my eyes. I wish I had the guts to ask him to stay.

"You know for someone in the mafia you're a scaredy cat of a judge." I teased with a wink.

"I did kidnap the judges daughter and scammed money from him for your return. Plus I could probably get a felony times three for kidnapping you considering your fathers position." He said in a serious tone. I also noted a hint of pleading in his tone. I roll my eyes and sigh. I wasn't going to turn him in.

"Whatever." I roll my eyes and he cocks a half smile. The one I know fairly well except now it's of adoration instead of malice. The malice filled half- smile scared me. The one of adoration made him look younger than he was and makes him look like a normal man. If he was normal though would we have ever met or would he be dating some girl he works with? The question made a spark of jealousy jump through me.

After he was safely out the window I close it and get back into my tub. I really wanted this bath before everyone got here ruining my mood and interrupting my beauty and the beast type of thoughts of Ryan. At least when he was here I felt safer than I had in a while. Maybe I should ask him to come to my therapy sessions. Pat seems to think it will help but I really don't want to take the risk of her turning him in. He is so kind and sweet that I always forget he is in the mafia. How I wasn't sure but I did and it was honestly kind of scary how different he is when I'm not the target of his anger but of his affection.