Seventeen

I was absentmindedly staring at the ceiling above me. Pat was writing in her notebook furiously.

"So Athea? You kissed him while you were drunk?" Pat looks at me with her eyebrows furrowed in concentration.

"Yes. I had been wanting to. Even when he was being hateful I still noticed how attractive he is and since the day I met him I've thought of kissing him. I did drink too much though. If it wasn't for the wine, kindness and him coming to my rescue I probably wouldn't have kissed him but I was feeling brave."

"You're more forthcoming today about you're feelings. A more of a no non-sense, no care about being judged in the world. How are you feeling about him right now?"

"I just want to talk about everything after that night."

"Okay. Continue then." Pat sat back in her chair and I looked back at the ceiling.

I woke up the next day to see the doors to the cellar wide open and I couldn't hear a thing. I had the opportunity to escape but I didn't want to. I stand up and immediately feel woozy. I lean against the wall to try and clear the fog away from my brain.

I had to sit back down because there was no way I would be able to walk up those stairs. I groan wishing I hadn't drank that bottle of wine. Well not the whole bottle because Ryan drank some too. My eyes pop open at the thought. Ryan and I drank wine together? We kissed too! Oh shit we fucking kissed. I kissed my fucking kidnapper. I have to be insane for that. Maybe I'm experiencing Stockholm syndrome.

"Athea? Are you awake?" Ryan asks pulling me out of my internal panic. I was trying to appear calm on the outside.

"Um... yeah. I have a bad hangover though." I put my hand to my head as he walks in.

"Yeah," he chuckles as he messes up his hair. Not that anyone could tell cause it always looked good messy or otherwise. " You drank a good portion of that bottle."

"Yeah. If I remember correctly you drank some too." I said. I wanted him to know I remembered that I kissed him even if it was a little fuzzy. He needed to know I remembered that he reacted and kissed me back.

"Yeah I did. I wanted to apologize again for last night with Brad. And for me to feel like it is adequate you're coming upstairs." He jerked his thumb behind him gesturing to the stairs.

"Um..." I shake my head and groan because that was a bad decision. I really shouldn't have drank so much last night.

"Listen you're still my hostage but after last night I don't think the downstairs is going to be safe because I'm going to be throwing a lot more parties. At least once every week when your father pays the ransom. But um... that was a close call last night. You'll be across the hall from me and I really don't feel like being questioned again like I was last night after everyone left."

"Okay?" I was confused he literally beat me a week ago and now I'm going upstairs. I noticed him watching me dare I say expectantly. It's not like he could have feelings for me. I don't even have feelings for him. I mean I did when I first met him but I don't now after he beat me for so long. That wouldn't explain the fact that I kissed him last night though or why he kissed me.

"Alright Athea. Time's up." Pat says. I was a wreck again and nervous. "Athea I think you have an alter. You have never had so much confidence as you had today."

"Confidence? I'm not confident. I'm a wreck." I exclaim quietly. Pat is studying me and I look up at her. I didn't know how I was supposed to feel. He may truly be sorry for that or he could be planning to let Brad try again. It didn't make any sense though. It still doesn't make sense to me now.

"I need to go."

"Athea wait a few minutes. I really want you to realize some things."

"Realize what?"

"You have real feelings for Ryan. It's you not just your alter. You're alter happened because of the initial attraction like I thought. However once he protected you and started being kind and more accommodating you're alter backed off and hid." Pat explains. She was rushing because I was standing up wanting to get away from the harsh reality she's going to make me listen to.

"I don't know." I felt weird and out of control and disconnected from myself. "I need to go home and do some more manuscripts. I still have to work." I felt like I was disconnecting from reality. I must be suffering from Stockholm Syndrome in order to have feelings for Ryan. After everything he did, there was no possible way I could have feelings for him.

"That's fine Athea. Just please think about what I said." Pat sounds like she pleads with me. I read up about alters and whatnot and Pat pretty much diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder. I know that in order to be treated the person affected would have to go through therapy in order for the personalities to be brought back together and the person to become whole.

"Of course. I'll think about it but I don't think I have actual feelings for him. Maybe just sexual tension. " I get up and walk out of the office to see Ryan still sitting outside. I stand in front of him and he looks worried. Not the normal kind of worried but really worried. I honestly forgot he was sitting out here waiting for me which was surprising because he is always on my mind and if not then he's not far from the surface.

"Is everything okay?" He puts his hands on my arms. His head tilts to the side automatically and he stares at me trying to read how I'm feeling and and what I'm thinking.

"I just wanna go home." I wrap my arms around myself and turn away from him walking briskly back home. I hated being rude to him but I couldn't help it.

Once I open my door I throw my purse and keys onto the table in the hall and move further into my apartment. I went straight for the kitchen and stopped in my tracks. I hear the door shut as I'm grabbing two glasses from the cabinet to let him get something to drink to. While I was on the way home I couldn't stop thinking about how I had been thinking about kissing him and even though I felt like it was crazy I knew that deep down I felt things for Ryan I shouldn't.

"What did your therapist say?" Ryan asked.

"She said that I very much have an alter and that my alter was made because I had feelings for you. It would make sense. But I think my alter probably came about because of the abuse."

"How did she come up with that diagnosis?" He looks at me with a funky expression.

"We talked about the party. How I kissed you when I was drunk." I stated flatly. I didn't want to give anything else away about how I feel since I wasn't sure of it myself.

"Does she know I'm here?" He looked worried now. I guess he thought I would turn him in. It would make so much more sense if I did but no matter how hard I try or how much I want to I can not utter the words that he is here.

"No. I just can't seem to come up with a good reason as to tell her." I said telling the half truth. Mainly, I wouldn't tell her though because I wanted this to be my secret. I wanted Ryan to stay just mine for a little bit longer. I wanted to figure out what the hell was wrong with me before I decided what to do about him.

"What do you think about having feelings for me? You're eyes are auburn again." Ryan says as he leans against the counter staring at me with one hand barely touching my elbow. I looked at him quizzically. I was trying to study him. I was still in disbelief that he would have any sort of feelings for me so the fact that he seems to keep touching me is throwing me off.

"Well that's why I was walking so fast. I was thinking about it." I decided that I needed to get it out in the air and stop dancing around. Even if it does just turn out to be lust instead of let's be in a relationship kind of feelings. I figured it's better than nothing.

"And?" He raises one eyebrow and fights a smirk. I think he knows that I find that smirk adorable.

"Yeah. I think she's right. I have a thing for you and I don't really care." I watch as his eyes widen in shock and he drops his head smiling a little. I started smiling because he is- well seems to be- the only thing that makes me smile these days