Chapter 61

She expected life to change. Cersei Stark thought the world would implode once her love knew about Jaime and her. The world did not stop. Ned did not rage; there were tears in his eyes and she felt as if her heart was pierced. Cersei left unburdened once she let the words out. It had not been easy but she did it. She said the words and there was no way she could take them back. Her septa once told her words were wind. She was mistaken; words were like iron grips. They grounded you. Cersei cried silently for hours until he came for her. Ned was hurt; he was confused and angry. He was not angry at her. Her Ned was angry at Jaime. Cersei returned to Castle Black. Ned told her Benjen was to send her to Winterfell if anything happened. Benjen said they would be gone for two or three weeks. Cersei handled herself very well. She helped Benjen and Ed Tollett with the castle. She organized the labor in castle black. She stayed busy for the first week.

Benjen came into her quarters that night. "You and Rickon ride to Winterfell."

She shook her head, "It is close to night. We will not be safe."

Benjen spoke fiercely, "I promised Ned I would send you to Winterfell if I even had a suspicion of a revolt. You ride South now."

"Who?" She asked

"Slynt and a few golden cloaks Stannis sent a few months ago. Now go. Ready your things. Grenn will make sure you arrive to Winterfell safely." Benjen retorted.

"Surely, you are exaggerating." Cersei tried to minimize her brother in law's concerns.

He glared at her, "Cersei, there is not time to lose. You go now. I will send ravens once I have the Castle under control."

Grenn was a nice boy. He must have been Jon's age, maybe older. They rode all night. Rickon cried from the cold. Lan snapped and growled at anyone who came near them. They made it to Winterfell by the next night.

Maester Luwin was there. She walked into her home and felt relieved. Ned did not need her in Castle Black. He said that the expedition to Hardhome would be good for them. She was distraught by the thought but maybe Ned was correct. Time would be good for them. She had nothing to do at Castle Black. Her family was beyond the Wall. It did not matter if she were in Castle Black or in Winterfell.

She went to her quarters and put Rickon to bed. Cersei combed Rickon's wild locks. He looked just like Robb. It was amazing how much this child resembled Robb and Jon. She expected little Eddard would now look like her Robb. Her son said that her grandchild looked like him except for his coloring and the hair. She would know in the morning. Cersei longed for the old days. She wanted her children to be kids again. It was all less complicated her boys were hers only. They only loved her. There were no mad love affairs with wildlings, volanteese nurses or pretty princesses taking her baby boys. She had Ned's love, there were no fights. She knew he still loved her very much. They needed each other. They loved each other and her confession as harsh and painful as it was would not diminish an ounce of what they had. Cersei traced her words and was glad that in her confession she made sure to tell him that it happened only once and before she became his wife.

Cersei Stark slept better in her bed. She managed to get some hours of sleep and woke up because Rickon slipped into bed. "I want Papa." He said with tears.

She kissed his forehead, "Papa is fighting the monsters."

"is he with my brothers?" Rickon's grey eyes shone with tears.

"He is." Cersei replied.

"I want them to come back." Rickon said and cuddled on her chest.

"They will be back before you know it sweetling." Rickon kissed her cheek. "Bran is with Hodor mama."

She frowned and asked him, "Sweetling Hodor is here with Old Nan."

Rickon was asleep again. She let her baby sleep. Lady Stark readied for the day. She wore a royal blue gown. She had lost all the baby weight and could fit in her old gowns. She looked at this one fondly. She had brought it from Casterly Rock when she first came to the North. She smoothed the creases on her skirt and walked out of her quarters. She sought maester Luwin. He met with her in Ned's solar. "My lady." The older man greeted.

"What news of the Wall?" He sat in front of her.

"Benjen fears insurrection from his men and attacks from the wildlings. Ned and my sons sailed for Hardhome a week and half ago. They plan to take as many wildlings as they can." The maester listened attentively.

"We have received ravens from King's Landing, Casterly Rock and the Eyrie." The man gave her some unsealed letters.

Cersei read them quickly. Joanna was well and told her about the court. Her daughter asked about the Wall. "Stannis cannot afford to send more men. I wish father could understand that." Cersei shook her head. Her sweet child did not understand. She had not seen them. Cersei had not either but Ned and Jon had; that was enough for her. She read another letter from father. He refused to send men as well. He called Ned's plight ridiculous. "the dead come alive. Your Northerman has gone insane." She could almost hear the mocking tone behind his words. Lastly, a letter from Tyrion. "Sansa sends her love." Tyrion's letter was short and went in the same vein as Joanna's and father's. He thought it was unwise to send more men to protect the Wall.

She sighed and composed letters to all of them once more. She urged them to send men. Cersei wrote to Joanna specifically. "Kitten, your father and brothers have gone beyond the Wall to rescue as many people as they can. They need me to man the Wall and fight the white walkers. Stannis will need to send more men. I implore you to make him see reason."

She discussed the state of the Winterfell and ordered lunch for them. Lady Stark collected Rickon from his chambers. They reached the great hall. She was joined by Margaery and little Eddard. She smiled at the child.

"Lady Stark." Margaery was all smiles. Cersei detested her. "My grandchild looks just like his father." Little Eddard smiled and giggled.

Cersei held him. "Look at you." The child grinned and grabbed her hair. The child pulled and grinned.

Margaery gasped. She looked terrified. Cersei laughed at the babe. "Just like your father you are. Feisty little pup." Rickon frowned at his nephew.

"Mama, I am your pup." Cersei and Margaery laughed.

"He is such a darling." Her daughter in law cooed at Rickon. She was such a simpering girl.

"How have you liked your stay in my home." Cersei asked once Rickon and Eddard were on the floor playing with some toys one of the servant girls brought.

"The castle is surprisingly warm." Margaery chose her words carefully.

There was little conversation to be had with this woman. She reminded her of the southron ladies that flocked Casterly Rock after immediately after mother died. They had all wanted to lend a hand to the widower and raise the three blonde treasures. Reynes, Westerlings, Paynes even little Clegane ladies swarmed the Rock. Aunt Genna put a stop to it when she saw Jeyne Payne trying to wear mother's jewelry.

They endured each other for a few hours. Cersei was called by Luwin. They walked around the courtyard. Cersei frowned. "Where is Hodor?" The simple minded man was always helping around with the horses. Hodor lifted the heavy crates and calmed down the spooked horses.

The maester looked incredibly sad, "old Nan passed a week ago. We buried her body in the godswoods."

"How?" Cersei asked. The woman was very old when she came to Winterfell. Ned told her that the woman had been his lady mother's nursemaid.

"Her heart stopped." The older man supplied sadly. "She was well in her years. Hodor helped bury her and then went to his rooms. One of the girls she to give him supper the following night and he was gone. I sent search parties. One of the men said he saw Hodor go North. I had hoped he would be back. But the man is simple headed my lady." The kind maester stated.

Cersei nodded. "He will be fine. Hodor is with Bran." She commented. The maester looked confused and so Cersei launched her explanation.

Luwin looked skeptic but listened well. "Howland Reed had died. The Reed children brought a letter sealed, only for lord Stark. The young boy was adamant that only Lord Stark be permitted to open the message."

Cersei did not think much of the letter. Howland Reed was a good friend of Ned's. The man was much like him, honorable, respectable and even more quiet and reserved. Her Ned liked feasts when it was his closest friends attending but Howland Reed refused all feasts and only wrote the bare minimum. Ned held him in high esteem ever since they fought in Robert's Rebellion.

Honor's disappearance helped her stand by her decision of telling Ned. The greenseer boy was correct. She went back to her husband's solar and invested herself in running Winterfell once more. She was busy for two weeks. Cersei spent the mornings with Rickon and sometimes little Ned. Margaery prayed in the sept or sewed the day away; frankly Cersei could care less what her daughter in law did with her time. Lady Stark occupied herself with Winterfell matters in the afternoons. She heard grievances two or three days. The woman hit some rough patches with the new inhabitants in the keeps but the wildlings could be controlled and so could the northerners.

She settled a petty land distribution problem when she heard one of the stablemen's order. Cersei and Rickon had been walking with Lan. "Open the gate. Stark banners coming through."

Lady Stark held onto her child. Rickon tried to squirm down but Cersei held tight; lest the boy be trampled by the horses.

She saw Ned and Robb head the small party, only four watchmen accompanied them. She did not know their names.

"Mother." Robb dismounted and hugged her.

"Where's my boy?" He asked as soon as he kissed her cheek.

"With his lady mother. They should be in the embroidery room." Robb nodded and left.

Ned dismounted and patted his horse. Her husband was unsure of his welcome. Rickon dissipated all the awkwardness. The boy jumped out of his mother's arms and ran to his father "Papa, papa, papa you back." He squealed and giggled when Ned threw him to the air and caught him deftly.

Her husband approached her, "I have something to tell you Lioness." Ned held her hand. Cersei shivered. "Ned, please don't. Think of our children. I love you." She was about to lose her family, her children, her husband. Cersei felt the tell tale prickle of tears.

Ned shook his head, "I love you too. We are never speaking of that again. Never." He replied with a harsh voice." He kissed her for good measure. "I need to tell you." He said and kissed her again. Cersei smiled weakly. "Of course my love."

They walked to the castle. Rickon clung to his papa and had to be coerced to him to eat a light supper and go to bed. Cersei was intrigued. Ned said he needed to tell her something ever since that night when he told him about Jaime. She now remembered his impatience over that. For a man who wanted go unburden his soul Ned Stark did not appear to want to speak with her in private. He played and humored Rickon for a few hours. She bathed and tucked her child for bed. She left Lan at his door. "Make sure he stays in." She said to the massive direwolf.

Cersei went back to her quarters. "I'll have one of the girls draw a bath for you." She made for the door when Ned took a hold of her hand. "Later." He said and then hugged her.

"There are thousands of them Cersei. Thousands. We'll be lucky if we can hold the Wall. We need men. We need more men." He said fearfully. She hugged him back and kissed the side of his neck.

She smiled, "We will get more men then. We'll send ravens to all the noble houses is Westeros. We'll ask Stannis once more."

Ned sighed. He rubbed her back, "I sent ravens as soon as I reached Castle Black. We rescued hundreds of the free folk but it is not enough Cersei. We left children. They turned. We have to secure to Wall and shelter as many wildlings as we can. Jon and Tommen have gone beyond the Wall once more. Robb and I part for Castle Black in three days' time. I will join Tommen's party and Robb will go to Jon's."

Cersei's heart pumped faster, "Ned, what happened in Castle Black? Benjen ushered me out soon after you left."

He kissed her gently, "he did well. Benjen is injured. He will recover. It was a good thing we arrived when we did. Thorne and Slynt planned to overthrow my brother. I hanged them as well as other traitors."

She kissed him this time. "We will find a way to get more men. I could persuade father. I know I could. Do not worry too much my love. You will hold the Wall. The North will rally behind you." She felt somewhat at ease. Cersei expected her husband to cast her aside. She felt relieved; this she knew. She would comfort her husband and counsel him. He trusted her. Ned still loved her and trusted her. She had not lost him. Cersei would never lose him. She felt giddy with excitement and kissed him more forcefully. He kissed her back with the same or more desperation.

"Later." He said once more and caressed her face.

Cersei worried once more. "I thought you needed to speak about the white walkers."

"I did. I do." Ned said with an anguished voice.

"What is it my love?" Cersei asked too concerned now.

"I am not sure how to tell you this." He slumped to a chair. Cersei kneeled in front of him. "We will find a way. We always do. What is it?"

Ned pulled her up and hugged her. He nuzzled her neck and whispered brokenly. "I am not sure that Jon is mine."

Cersei frowned, "Surely, you jest. He is your image. He looks exactly like you. Arya, Robb and Rickon look like him. I assure you my lord my children are yours." She said with a small frown.

"Lyanna looked like me. We resembled our lady mother." Ned reminisced.

"What does Lyanna have to do with your son." She took a look at him and understood.

"You said his mother was a tavern wench, that she took her life." Cersei's voice wavered as she trembled. Ned never lied.

"I never told you. Only Jon and those who were there know of this. I found Lyanna alive, barely. She gave birth to a baby boy. She named his Jaehaerys. I promised to take care of him. I swore I would protect him. I was called back to King's Landing. I ordered Howland Reed to take the boy North. I would raise him as my bastard. I convinced Robert to marry Catelyn and received the raven the day I was to part for the North. The babe had died from a river while crossing the Riverlands. I was relieved." Ned said with a pained tone.

"I don't understand Ned." Her husband's tales made no sense. He was confusing her more and more.

He looked at her, "I married you. You were pregnant with our Joffrey when I received news of sightings of my nephew. Howland wrote and said that there were reports of a babe. "I went and I took a look at the babe. Lioness, I saw Wylla's broken body and I knew he was mine. He could not be Jaehaerys. He was mine own son." Ned said feverishly.

Cersei nodded, "I don't understand my love. Why do you fret then?"

"Maester Aemon. The three headed dragon." Ned replied. "Aegon the conqueror dominated Westeros with his dragons."

"He conquered Westeros with his sisters, Vysenia and Rhaenys Targaryen." Cersei supplied. This was history. Cersei remembered Tyrion yapping about it when they were children. He would not shut up about dragons and Valyria. He even spoke some of it. Cersei attended her history lessons but was never as interested as Tyrion had been.

"Maester Aemon is a Targaryen himself. He spoke of a prophecy. The three headed dragon that would rule Westeros once more. He spoke of three dragons that would bring back the Targaryen dynasty. The maester said our Jon was part of the three headed dragon." Ned said.

"Your nephew died crossing the riverlands." Cersei said once more. "Jon is your son. He is our son."

Ned looked about to cry, "What if he is not? What if I was blinded?"

Cersei hugged him. "What if he is not from your loins? Would that make him any less your son? What if he is your nephew and not your son? Would that make him any less Stark?"

Ned shook his head. "No, he is my son. My heir. My firstborn."

"As he is mine." Cersei said sweetly.

"You know it would not matter that I did not conceive him. I have raised him as my own. Lioness, what if he is Rhaegar's son?"

"That would make him a Targaryen bastard. He is better off being the rightful heir to House Stark, future Warden of the North. Ease your doubts my love." Cersei hugged him.

He clung to her and looked calmer when she remembered Howland Reed's letter. She gasped. "You received a letter from Howland Reed."

Ned frowned, "Howland is dead."

"So he is. His children handed maester Luwin the letter before taking Bran with them." Cersei left went to the adjacent solar and retrieved the letter for him.

Ned read the letter quickly. His face looked ashen. "Howland was in charge of bringing Lyanna's babe to Winterfell."

"What is it Ned?" She asked.

"Read it for yourself." He pushed the letter to her hands.

Ned,

I fear death will claim me sooner than later. I have kept a secret for years my friend. I cannot keep it any longer. It is time for me to unburden my soul. Wylla, your tavern wench travelled with us North. She had given birth to a babe too. She begged me to take her to Winterfell. She did not want to be in Dorne any longer. She wanted for you to know your bastard son. She was a sweet girl. Wylla took care of Lyanna's babe and her own. She did so until we reached the Riverlands. The babes took to the fever. Wylla had the fever as well. We were to cross the Twins when I discovered she had gone. I searched for her for a week. We found no trace of her but found her things and the corpse of a rotting babe. I wrote to you about the babe's death assuming it was Lyanna's boy. He had been weaker, more feverish than your bastard son. You must forgive me but a few months later. I found that Wylla had gone back to Dorne and had a babe. I wrote to you about it. Never telling you about your son. You wrote to me and told me about your bastard. Your son became Jon Stark, but I always felt the need to tell you about the circumstances. You must forgive me if I cast my doubts to you. It was always my wish to serve and help you friend.

Howland Reed

Cersei re-read the letter and then threw it to the hearth. "Lioness." Ned grabbed his head and looked pained once more.

"This letter proves nothing. He is doubtful, just as you are." Cersei replied fiercely.

"The other women in the whorehouse said Wylla acted strange that she did not lover her babe. What mother does not lover her babe? What if it was not her babe?" Ned replied.

She shook her head, "It changes nothing." She said honestly. "Dragons and prophecies of dragons. They have circulated for centuries before the last dragons lived. Jon is your son. He is our son. He is Stark. We have no way of knowing if he is not from your loins. Does it matter if he is not? You once told me that Jon would only know me as his mother. "You are his mother." You said so yourself when I asked you about his mother. You said he was mine own. He is your own son. He has only known one father." She kissed his mouth. "No matter what happens he is ours."

Ned looked at her feverishly. "He is our son."