17

I bumb into Tsitsi as I open the door, she's breathless, in a tracksuit. She was jogging. My shoulders sag in relief, I don't want to think of what would happen if she decides to go after Masimba. I don't think I would want to find out.

She crushes her lips on mine, surprising both of us. When she finally lets go we're both breathless and I am fighting the urge to touch her face. Those eyes are doing things to me.

"Can we get a warning next time you two decide to do something like that," Tanaka complains, covering her eyes. She mutters something about being scarred for life as she walks back into the house.

"Okay, see you soon guys," Ngoni drops a kiss on my forehead and leaves. KT literally rains kisses on my face, denies Tsitsi even a peck and rushes after her boyfriend or whatever.

"Let me fix you breakfast, babe," Tsitsi says, dropping a kiss on my lips and pulling me to the kitchen. Tanaka has jam and margarine on her bread. I have to look away because it reminds me of my mother.

"So what would you like?," Is it me or Tsitsi is being extra nice? And is she jittery? I must be seeing things. I hope she was jogging and nothing more. And she can't know that we had panicked when we couldn't find her.

"For you two not to suck face when I'm around," Tanaka says, sinking her teeth into her bread.

" Wasn't talking to you Miss Mama," Tsitsi rolls her eyes and looks back at me. I am confused for a second and then I realise I should tell her what I want to eat. I feel full but I know I have to eat because these two will make me either way.

"I think she would want us to accompany her to the police so that she can report that pervy pervert,"Tanaka chips in again, earning a deep eyeroll from Tsitsi. What is a pervy pervert? The way she clenches her jaw tells me she is losing her patience and I almost laugh. But then Tanaka mentioned the police. No I am not going there. I don't have the voice to talk about the whole thing.

I can't.

"One more word and we're sucking face," Tsitsi threatens and the way Tanaka goes back to her food you'd think kissing is like a carnage. I sigh and take a seat. In a few mintes I have a peanut butter sandwich and a disapproving eye from Tanaka. She doesn't believe peanut butter sandwich is food but then that's Tanaka.

I am halfway through the meal when I notice that Tanaka and Tsitsi are up to something. They keep exchanging glances and just when I am about to ask them what on earth they're up to Tanaka leaves the kitchen.

"Tsitsi, come help me with something," she calls as she makes her way out.

"I will be back," Tsitsi drops a kiss on my forehead and goes after Tanaka. Yup they are up to something. What it is , I don't know I will have to confront them.

Is that my phone ringing? Yucks better not be my crazy parents. I make my way to Tsitsi's room. I end up finding the phone under the bed. It is my mother.

"Shalom sister," she greets me the second I put the phone on my ear. It's hard to tell but I think she sounds excited .

"Shalom," suddenly my voice is thin and weary. How does she have so much power over me? I see the curtain flutter, the fabric floating in the air before coming back down in a soft whisper. There is something about that simple thing that makes me keep staring.

"We expect you this weekend," she informs me, in that flat impersonal way of hers. Why does she want me home so soon? I have assignments. I wasn't planning on doing them but now that is all I want to do for the weekend.

"I am busy Chosen Mother," she definitely was chosen, just not by me. Someone forced her on me. If it was up to me I would rather be motherless. And I am sure if they stood in a line and children were told to pick their mothers no one would pick mine.

It's too cold in here.

"There is nothing that is above the Lord, we have a prayer session,"

Of course they do.

I sigh heavily. I am not going to be there. Because I know the devil himself will be facilitating this prayer session. But what if I told my mother? She would litsen wouldn't she? This is rape, this is serious. Maybe I should tell her.

"Mother I can't, but...I really need you with me. Can you drop by tonight?," I don't think I have ever said something like this to her. I don't think I have ever be this vulnerable to her. But she is my mother. She gave birth to me, according to her I was a very wanted child.

Ironic, isn't it?

She pauses, I know she is there because I can hear her shallow breathing.

My mother is too perfect, too pure I wonder how she and dad managed to bring their private parts slightly close enough to conceive. They must have been told what to do by the Lord. And the lord blessed her fruit. I wish He hadn't.

"Yes. Yes, I will come Maqhawe," my heartbeat goes right through the roof. She called me Maqhawe! She called me by my name! I feel tears pool in my eyes as I hang up. My robot of a mother knows my name! She knows my name! I throw away my phone and dash across the living room. The bodyguards are in the balcony.

"Babe! Babe!," I yell excitedly. Tsitsi turns to look at me, on seeing my excitement she smiles and I throw myself into her arms, laughing and talking at the same time. I dont even know what I am saying, I am talking gibberish.

"Babe, breathe. Breathe and share the good news with us," Tsitsi chuckles. Even Tanaka is beaming. This is a good day.

" I...my,"I am breathless. But I have to share this with my closest friend and... girlfriend or whatever. "My mother knows my name," there I have said it. I start laughing, shaking my head. Something is dancing inside me, something that was never there before. She did that, my mother did this for me. Now I know I have always needed her.

"Ummm...babe," Tsitsi chuckles nervously, glancing at Tanaka and then at me. Did I say something wrong?"You are okay?," She asks.

"What?! I am okay. I mean I am happy. My mother called me by my name. She pronounces it so beautifully. I didn't know she knew my name, she said -Maqhawe, with that click right there," I explain, smiling.

" What? She...umm...babe. Why is this making you happy?," I can tell Tsitsi is trying not to upset me but at the same time she doesn't understand why I am so happy.

"If my mother calls me Tanaka I know I am getting a good arse whooping," Tanaka says and Tsitsi nods. " And of course she knows your name, what drugs are you on?," She adds.

My heart sinks. Are we this messed up? It's fucked up, I can hear Tanaka's voice correcting me in my head. I sigh heavily. So, wow. I don't know what to say. They are looking at me like I am crazy. And I am. I am messed up.

"I mean...she has always called me sister, chosen one. The formal way. The acceptable way," I want so much for them to understand me. To see where I am coming from.

"Oh," Tanaka says, exchanging a look with Tsitsi. They are both silent, staring at me like I am this lost puppy they have to save. Why do I have to come from the most abnormal family to exist? Am I always going to be like this? Not knowing what normalcy is? I need me some sativa, I can feel the tears coming. "I guess every family is different, right? That is actually cute, right Tsitsi," Tanaka chuckles nervously, obviously trying to make me feel better.

" Yeah, yeah right. I'm happy you're happy babe," Tsitsi says.

I shake my head and let a tear escape.

" She is coming tonight," I go back into the house. The balcony is in deafening silence I know I have stunned my girls. The lump is heavy on my throat and the tears are burning my eyes. I rush into my room, lock the door and sprawl on the bed. I let the tears come, I am definitely going to be doing a lot of crying all my life. Whatever, to me it is progress that my mother knows my real name and she is coming tonight.

Suddenly I want Tsitsi's mother here.

"It hurts so bad mama," I whisper and the tears come in a flood. I can tell there are people at my door, obviously the bodyguards wondering if they should break into my room or not. "It hurts soo bad," I whisper again. I hope Tsitsi's mother can hear me somehow. I walk towards the dressing table, grab the razor and go into the bathroom. I feel the pain slowly subsiding as the blood starts trickling out of me.

*******

"I'm just going to drive Tanaka to school," Tsitsi says. She is standing in front of me in the kitchen and I have a mug in my hands. I can feel the tenderness on my wrists from when I cut myself. I nod, I need them out of here when my mother makes it anyway. I need to talk to my mother, just the two of us.

"What are the leather gloves for?," I ask her. She smiles, that cocky smile of her that makes me fall all the more in love with her. I want to tell her I love her, I mean I know I do. And she has said it to me before so...yeah.

"Serving transporter vibes," she chuckles. Is she shy? And why do I still feel like she is keeping something from me? Leather gloves, dark clothes and that travelling bag in the living room? But I don't have the energy to ask more questions.

"I won't be long okay, I will be back before you know it," she steps closer to me. She leans in for a kiss and I kiss her back even though I am a little distracted from eavesdropping on what Tanaka is saying into her phone in the living room "Yes, don't leave the children behind ma'am,". What is going on?

" I will miss you," I say, trying to make sure that I don't blurt that I am going to tell my mother what I cannot speak out loud to her. I am going to verbalize it to my mother. I am going to admit I was raped.

"Wait for me, got something good for you tonight," her lips curve into a seductive smile and I instinctively bite my lower lip. Why does she have to be so sexy! I cannot handle it.

"I will be waiting mister sir," I whisper, to let her know I know what she is talking about. She winks and leaves the room walking backwards so that she can give me her jaw dropping smile all the way out.

"Why do you look extra gay tonight," I ask, raising an eyebrow at her. She keeps walking backwards and her smile widens.

"Must be your hormones nasty mama," she winks and I feel my stomach twist in a good way. That leather jacket is a huge turn on and those combat boots or shitkickers as Tanaka would call them are doing things to my core. I hang my head, goofy smile on my face the Tsitsi effects clearly taking a toll on me.

I can't wait for her to get back home and tear off all my clothes. The cutting scars!!!!!! Oh God.

*******

Of course my mother is sitting stiffly on the couch and she is making me uncomfortable in my own apartment. I only offered her something to drink because I am nervous but the woman wants me to get to the point already. She keeps fidgeting ostentatiously just to let me know she doesn't have all day. So much for hoping to bond with her.

I sit opposite her and sigh heavily. I have to do this.

"Mama," her eyes shoot to my face. Oh yucks. "Chosen Mother," I correct myself. She doesn't comment so I continue "Last weekend something very bad happened to me when I was at home,"I stop to check for any reaction. Well there is none so I painstakingly continue "A man forced himself on me," that gets me a reaction. Her mouth parts open and her eyes widen. I don't think she is aware that she has moved closer to me and has my hands clasped fiercely in hers. Now that is the mother I have been praying for. This is what I have always wanted. I should have know I should get raped to have her.

"My child! Who violated you like that! ," Wow she can raise her voice this high. I don't think this is the right time to laugh about it.

"Mama, you will not take this lightly. I am sorry it had to be me," I pause "It was the pastor. Pastor Masimba,"her hands are off mine in a flash. Before I know it she is standing in front of me, her eyes wide. I miss our connection already.

"You ungrateful child! I knew it! I knew it the second you left home that the devil was using you! Your father will hear of this! What are your prostitutes of friends planning to do to that man of God?! You were sent to destroy the church?! Lying against a chosen, anointed man of God! How dare you! How dare you Maqhawe! He saved you! You! Yes, he saved you! That man you are making lies about is the reason why you are alive! You let yourself be used by the devil! No! I refuse!,"

Okay before we talk about this can I mention my mother has never said these many words to me? All my life. And yes, turns out that when your mother calls you by your full name you're in hot soup. Or deep shit as Tanaka would call it.

She fishes out her phone, which is already ringing. She furiously swipes across it and puts it on her ears.

I will talk about how I am feeling. Let me talk about what is unfolding here first. When my mother gets off the call she is angrier than she was a second ago.

"Look what you have done! The pastor's house is on fire. And he is inside it. What has your cult done!!!??,"

What?

I am about to argue when I ask myself exactly where Tanaka and Tsitsi are right now? Campus is close she should have been back already. That travelling bag, the shitkickers, dark clothes. Oh my God. Tsitsi!