16

In this moment, this very second I pray. I pray for my tongue to work faster and smarter than my mind. I pray I was someone else, particularly Tanaka, who can lie in her sleep. I am sure she even lies to the people she meets in her dreams. Somehow it is one of those things I was robbed of. In those days I spent shielded from the world, I didn't learn the art of thinking on my feet.

And how can I with this beautiful soul straddling me, staring at me with those piercing eyes. Such a beautiful distraction.

I gulp.

She is aware that I am trying to make something up, I can tell from the way she is narrowing her eyes at me. She seems ready to pounce the second I open my mouth. So I resort to one thing that I know can save me.

I breakdown.

It isn't an arduous task, I don't have to gather the energy to cry. My whole being has been begging to be set free from the day it happened. It is like these walls are marred by sadness and pain. As soon as I let go sobs break out of me. I had expected it to be liberating, but it is overwhelming.

I am blinded by this pain, so strong and heavy I am sure this is something I can't do by myself. Tsitsi seems to know that too because she pulls me up into a sitting position and starts rocking me. I feel the mattress sink from all sides, and then the smell cologne blended with the unwelcome one of beer engulf me.

It takes me long to realize that this has somehow turned into a group hug.

I feel very close to these people who come from places I have never been to. Right now in this moment we are united together in my pain. They can't take it away from me, they can't carry half of it for me. But they can be with me as I let it take over my body.

I don't feel suffocated. I feel loved and seen.

That is exactly how I felt the first time I met Masimba.

So I quickly pull back but they're too fast for me, reaching for me to make sure I cannot go anywhere and I am back to sobbing.

The love they're showing me makes me want to reconstruct this story. To go back to the very beginning and stay in my room instead of going to where my father and Masimba were. How did this happen? This thing, that was done to me?

Oh I texted him to come into my room when he was done. He knocked minutes later, softly so that we wouldn't be heard. I tiptoed to the door, thrilled that my lover was here. My arms aching to hold him. I opened the door and let him in. As soon as he was in the room I was all over him, swept by what they call passion.

That is a reconstruction. That isn't how it happened. I am trying to own this story, to make it my own. I am trying to make it out what I want it to be. All roses and chocolates. I cannot for the life of me let my friends know how he violated me, how he shredded away the last of pieces of me that I still had.

And now he has left me bare. Exposed. Naked. Tainted and unlovable.

He managed, finally, to reduce me to nothing.

I wish I had the power to reconstruct this story.

**********

Minutes later Tsitsi brings a cup of green tea and hands it to me. I avoid looking at her, so I take great pains to focus on her hands instead. Behind her is the fitted wadrobe, it's white like the rest of the house, like the clothes I threw away. I know half of it is covered in art supplies instead of clothes. I try to imagine being Tsitsi. Having an obsession like that. Having something to give your whole heart and soul to, something to take up your life?

Does it take up her life? Or it is just an escape?

Tsitsi clears her throat to remind me that they are waiting for my confession.

"Tee, we need to let her take her time," Tanaka chastises her, disapproval evident in her tone. I know Tsitsi is just angry. At me. At Masimba. And maybe at her parents. She wants details. She wants to see Masimba six feet under. She is thinking justice, if not revenge.

Her anger has been there, the unwavering anger she has always had over her father.

And now there is the anger that I didn't confide in her. But I couldn't and I still can't.

Tanaka is thinking of healing of course.

I am thinking of death.

KT and his new number are thinking of how best to comfort me. Club hopping or joyride? I can't read their thoughts clear enough to know which one they will choose.

"I just want his address, nothing more, nothing less,"Tsitsi responds curtly. I look up at her. I am sure I can see flames in her eyes. I am sure I can see the anger that is welling in those pools of brown.

Her lips are pressed into a thin line and her stance is nothing if not belligerent.

I cannot do this to my friends. I cannot let them hurt because of me. At the same time I don't want to say it. I don't want to open my mouth and say I was raped. It will make it too real. Me, admitting it will make this whole thing a reality. And it has to remain in ny head, I should have room to pretend it didn't happen, to reconstruct the story in whatever way I want.

To create my own reality.

And I cannot admit to everyone that I didn't fight, that I just lay there and let him take me as he pleased.

I am scared of my own voice.

"Don't worry, baby. One step at a time. For now, we are all going to sleep in this bed. And I will tell you of my first love till we sleep, "KT's boyfriend chips in.

Have I ever heard his voice before? Because he sounds like he has been here forever. What he has just said can be translated to "I am here for you" and he doesn't know me. Where can I create this selfless love.

This love that is fluid and ready to flow in any direction that it is needed? Where can I learn to not love in halves, but to just love?

"Sounds good to me," Tanaka says, creating space for me to lie down. I don't know how we fit on the bed. But we do. And even though it cannot be called comfortable it is cozy and intimate. I feel a connection. For the first time. Tsitsi joins us grudgingly, groaning out loud to make her point.

*********

I am woken by the light. I flutter my eyes open and realize that everyone is on the bed, well everyone except Tsitsi. She must be painting. As I pull myself up the others stir, KT waking up first followed by the boyfriend.

At this point it is embarrassing for me to ask for his name. I will have to stay alert and learn about it another way. I don't want to offend him when he told us funny stories about coming out till I drifted off.

"Ngoni, why do you have to wake everyone else when you wake up, "KT groans. I really want to thank her,even though she he is the one who actually woke up first.

So, his name is Ngoni.

"Get your grumpy ass out of bed, I have to make a delivery, " Ngoni replies, pulling at KT's ears. I yawn dramatically, just to make sure I won't witness them sucking face.

"What delivery?," I ask, climbing out of bed, pressing my palm into Tanaka's side. She groans and swats me.

"He does drugs, cocaine to be precise," KT whispers dramatically. Cocaine? He must be filthy rich then.

" What, that's some real stuff, "I say, trying to sound cool. I don't want to sound like the girl who grew up wearing dresses that sweep the floor, I want to sound like I am part of their world. In a way I am, I have a tattoo for crying out loud. And I am addicted to nicotine.

" Real shit, "Tanaka corrects me. I roll my eyes and make my way for the door. The pain has come back. Yucks, I just want to stop feeling this way. I just want it to go away.

I will roll a blunt after breakfast.

But wait...Ngoni sells cocaine, right? I...

"Maqhawe!," The alarm in Tanaka's voice frightens me. I whirl around as she skids to a stop just in front of me, breatheless. "Tell me you know where your girlfriend is, please," her eyes are wide with alarm and I just freeze. At a time like this, when danger is looming someone has to carry the cross. Someone has to be blamed somehow, and I as the girlfriend am a perfect mark. I feel my heart sink. Ngoni and KT are standing by the door, waiting.

And even though we don't say it out loud, we all know where Tsitsi is. What she is doing though, we don't know.

We rush to the door without talking, hoping we'll find Tsitsi before she kills someone.