3. Chapter 3

The days following the failed transfer were a little rough, Maya very emotional as she tried to work through all of it. Carina was also having a hard time, both because Maya was and also because she had hoped her wife would be pregnant this time. They were both a little mopey, Carina trying her best to be there for Maya as much as she could, knowing the hormones in her wife's system were likely a big contributing factor in how down the blonde seemed.

They both continued on with their normal routines of going to work, taking care of the girls, and just living life.

After that first day, Maya didn't really want Carina to touch her, flinching away from her whenever the Italian tried. It hurt Carina because she wanted to be there for her wife, but she also knew better than to push her.

About three days after they found out Maya was indeed not pregnant, however, everything boiled over when Carina just couldn't take it anymore. It started out as a relatively normal day, Maya up way too early to go on her run. Carina had noticed that these runs had gotten longer since they had found out about the transfer failing, but she also knew running was one of Maya's big outlets and didn't want to stop her from handling her emotions however she needed to for now.

However, waking up in an empty bed with her wife not even in the house was not something Carina ever enjoyed and it was hard on her. This morning in particular was hard because she woke up from a nightmare about Maya getting seriously injured on the job while being pregnant and desperately needed to know her wife was ok.

It didn't help that Carina also noticed on her phone that she had a notification reminding her about her appointment for her six-month post-treatment scans that were in two days. She had all but forgotten about those with everything else that was going on but seeing them just made her want her wife's comfort more. However, Maya was not home, and when she got home, things didn't get much better.

Maya had gotten home from her run just as Carina was getting up with the twins.

"How was your run Bambina?" Carina asked.

"Fine," Maya mumbled, "I need to go take a shower."

"Ok," Carina said, leaning in for a kiss only to have Maya pull away.

Carina sighed, trying not to show her frustration as she went into the kitchen to start breakfast. The dream she had had really shook her and all she wanted was a kiss and hug from her wife, to physically feel she was ok and safe. If Maya had been paying attention, she would have noticed something was off with her wife. However, she was caught up in her own thoughts, not paying much attention to anything. Neither Maya nor Carina had work this particular morning, but the twins had dance class so they had to go to daycare anyway. Carina got breakfast done, making sure the girls had their ballet shoes in their bags before doing their hair while they are breakfast.

"I have eggs for you Bambina," Carina said as her wife came into the kitchen, "Or I can make you something else."

"I'm not hungry," Maya said, dodging Carina's attempt to hug her, "I think I might just go to the station today."

"We were supposed to have the morning off together," Carina said, "We need to start getting the Christmas stuff up. Christmas is in less than 3 weeks."

"We can do it later," Maya said, "I don't feel like doing it today."

"Well, I do," Carina said, a little more forcefully than maybe she should have, voice going down to a whisper as she then said, "Not that that matters to you."

"What?" Maya said, head snapping toward her, "What did you just say?"

"You don't care about what I want right now," Carina said, knowing she was poking the bear but also she was frustrated and hurting and needed this to stop.

Maya looked at her, emotions flashing through her face so quickly Carina almost couldn't read them all.

"Nora, Rowan, why don't you go upstairs and brush your teeth?" Maya said, knowing they almost never let the twins brush their own teeth, but she needed them out of the room.

The girls cheered, running up the stairs as Maya turned to look at her wife, Carina fully recognizing the anger and hurt that had settled on her wife's face.

"What do you mean I don't care?" Maya said in a quiet yell.

"You won't let me in," Carina said, "You won't let me touch you or help you. You barely talk to me anymore. You aren't the only one who is disappointed by the outcome of the transfer."

Maya quickly looked away from her wife, not allowing Carina to see the tears welling up in her eyes as she gripped the door handles on the fridge causing her knuckles to turn white.

Unfortunately for Carina, she misinterpreted this as anger.

"Cazzo Maya, talk to me," Carina said, frustration boiling over.

"I…" Maya started but then they both heard the twins coming downstairs.

"Weady Mamma," Rowan said, running into the kitchen.

"Mommy," Nora said, walking over to Maya, "Why you trying?"

In that moment, Carina realized she had majorly messed up in yelling and that she had misinterpreted what was going on.

"Bambina," Carina said quietly, walking over to her wife, putting a hand on her shoulder only to have Maya pull away again.

"Take the twins to daycare," Maya said, sniffling as she dried her eyes on her sleeve, "I do not want to do this with them home."

"Will you be here when I get home?" Carina asked, fully expecting the answer to be no.

Maya nodded slightly, still wiping at her eyes.

"Mommy, you otay?" Nora asked, looking up at the blonde.

"I'm a little bit sad today," Maya said, bending down and scooping the toddler up, "But I will be ok."

Nora just wrapped her little arms around Maya, hugging her tightly.

"I love you Piccola," Maya said, burying her face in her daughter's neck, inhaling the familiar smell of baby lotion and shampoo, "Have fun at dance and daycare today, ok?"

"I lub you Mommy," Nora said, putting a hand on Maya's face. Maya kissed her cheek before setting her down, Rowan running up to her for her own hug and kiss and exchange of I love yous before following her sister to get on her shoes.

"I…I love you," Carina said quietly, walking over to her wife.

"I love you too," Maya mumbled, not looking at Carina.

The Italian didn't say anything else, going to finish getting the twins ready and out the door. She was mad at herself that she didn't realize that Maya was upset and not angry, that she projected how she was feeling onto her wife and likely hurt her more. She tried to put it to the back of her mind as she drove with the girls, listening to them talk about Babbo Natale and dance class and playing with Harper.

They got to Grey Sloan, Carina getting the girls inside pretty easily, running into Amelia as she did so.

"What's wrong?" Amelia asked after they got their kids dropped off.

"What do you mean?" Carina asked, looking at her friend.

"Your face," Amelia said, "I know that face. You look…worried, concerned maybe? Is everything ok? Are you ok? I know you've got scans coming up later this week. Are you worried something might be…"

"It's not that," Carina said, stopping her friend, "I mean, going into those scans is never easy, but I am feeling as fine as I can about them. Maya and I got into a fight this morning and I misread a situation and made things worse."

"What was the fight about?" Amelia asked.

"Just some things that have been going on in our life recently," Carina sighed, "It's been a little bit rough. We are…or I guess we will be fine. We just need to work through it, but Maya has been pushing me away."

Amelia hummed knowingly, having talked to Carina about situations like this before.

"I need to get home so we can talk," Carina said.

"Ok," Amelia nodded, "Well, if you ever need to talk, just let me know, ok? I'm always here for you."

"Grazie Amelia," Carina smiled as she headed out of the hospital.

The Italian decided to stop at one of Maya's favorite smoothie and juice bars on her way home, picking up her wife's favorite protein smoothie both as a peace offering and also because Maya had been eating very little the past few days and Carina hoped maybe this would help get some calories in her.

She then drove home, not totally sure what to expect. She felt bad that she had hurt Maya this morning, but also, her wife had hurt her a lot over the past few days and they needed to work through this. Carina was fully ready to throw in the towel on having a third child and just tell Maya their family was just fine how it was because seeing her favorite person in the whole world as upset as she was broke Carina's heart and she didn't know if she could keep going like this.

Carina stepped inside the house, hanging up her jacket before going to find her wife. She didn't find her downstairs so she went upstairs, confused when she didn't see Maya in their bedroom either. She walked down the hall, peaking into the twins' room, and seeing Maya sitting in the rocking chair, Nora's blanket clutched to her chest.

"Hi Bambina," Carina said quietly, coming into the bedroom, "What are you doing in here?"

"Just thinking," Maya shrugged, not looking at her wife.

"Are you ready to talk?" Carina asked. Maya took a deep breath, nodding as she stood, "Let's talk not in here. I don't want to fight in here."

"We don't have to fight," Carina said, "But we do need to talk. Where do you want to go?"

"The couch," Maya said quietly, walking down the stairs.

"I'll be right there," Carina said, going into the kitchen and grabbing the smoothie from the counter where she left it, bringing it to her wife.

"What's that?" Maya asked, looking at the cup.

"I stopped at that juice bar and got you a chocolate banana protein shake," Carina said, holding it out to her wife.

"Thank you," Maya said, taking a small sip before setting it down, "So what do you want to talk about since apparently I don't care about what you want."

"That isn't what I meant," Carina sighed, feeling herself getting frustrated, "I mean, it is kinda, but not really. I just…why won't you talk to me Maya? Or let me touch you or be near you? You can't shut me out. That's not what we do anymore. Can you please tell me what's going on?"

Maya sat there, biting her lip and not looking at her wife, Carina knowing full well that she was thinking, just giving her the space she needed to gather her thoughts.

"I feel like I am failing you," Maya finally said, very quietly, not looking at her wife, "You gave up so much for our family this year and I just…I feel like I am failing at holding up my end of the bargain. I…I just wanted something to go right for us… I told you I would get pregnant because you can't and it didn't work and I knew it might not, but it didn't and I just feel like such a complete failure. I know we want to have another baby and I want to make that happen for us and I thought it was going to and now it feels like it might never happen and I hate that it's my fault."

Maya hugged her knees to her chest, sobbing into them. Carina's heart shattered as she listened to her wife, wanting desperately to just wrap her in her arms and take away all the pain.

"Can I hold you?" Carina asked, scooting closer to her wife.

Maya shook her head, just needed her space for a minute.

"Ok," Carina said gently, just sitting next to her wife, desperate to comfort her.

After a minute, Maya reached out and grabbed Carina's hand, holding it.

"I'm right here Bambina," Carina said, rubbing circles on the back of Maya's hand.

It took a minute, but Maya's tears slow and she uncurled her body, rubbing her eyes with the cuffs of her sleeves.

"You are not a failure Bambina," Carina said, cupping Maya's chin and tipping it up so they were looking in each other's eyes, "None of this is your fault. It is just what happened. You had tests done and your body is perfectly capable of carrying a bambino. Do you remember how long it took us to have the twins? So long. We tried from July until April and did you ever blame me?"

"No," Maya said, "No, it wasn't your fault."

"Exactly," Carina said, "And this is no different." "It just feels so different," Maya said, "With the girls, we theoretically had 10 chances, but now, we have one more chance and if my body doesn't take the next one, things get so much more complicated and we have done complicated for this entire year and I'm tired of it."

"Bambina, we do not have to keep going with this," Carina said, "If this is too much pressure on you, we do not have to continue. We can look into adoption or a surrogate or we can just be done. We have two perfect bambine and if we never had another one, I would be happy with our family. But I will not be happy continue watching you falling apart and blaming yourself for something you cannot control."

Maya really looked at Carina for the first time since this conversation started, seeing the anguish in her wife's eyes.

"I…You would do that for me?" Maya said, "You would give up on having a third baby?"

"Bambina, I would give up my life for you," Carina said, "There is nothing more important to me in this entire world than you and our daughters. Finding out you weren't pregnant was hard because we both wanted it so much but watching how hard it has been on you has been much worse. Do you feel obligated to do this for me? Because if that is the case, we are done trying. I do not want you to have a baby out of obligation."

"No," Maya said, shaking her head, "No, I want to have another baby too, a lot. I just… I know how much you want it and let me be very clear that I feel the exact same way, but I know that having to have the hysterectomy really was hard on you and took away your ability to carry a baby without you having a choice in the matter. And I just…I don't know. What I'm saying makes no sense, but I know that you lost your choice to have a baby with your body and I saw how devastating that was for you, but to hear you say you would voluntarily give up on having another baby if it meant that I would be hurting…I don't know. I love you."

"I love you too Bambina," Carina said, a little taken aback as Maya crashed into her with a hug, "I don't want you to feel any pressure to have another baby."

"I don't," Maya said, still clinging to her wife, "I might have before, just a little bit, but I don't."

"Ok," Carina said, rubbing her back, just enjoying feeling her wife's embrace for the first time in days.

Maya pulled back, looking at her wife again.

"What's wrong?" the blonde asked, seeing something was still wrong.

"Nothing," Carina said, shaking her head, "Or nothing related to this."

"Talk to me babe," Maya said, wiping at her eyes again before a light went off in her head, "Shit. Are your scans this week?"

Carina nodded a little, biting her lip.

"I am so sorry," Maya said, "I…I have been so caught up in feeling sorry for myself I didn't even think…They aren't today right?"

"No," Carina said, "No, the day after tomorrow. And it's ok. I forgot about them too until this morning when I got a notification reminding me after I woke up from a stupid nightmare about you getting hurt."

"And then I wasn't home and when I was, I was a dick to you," Maya sighed, "I'm so sorry."

"Bambina, it is not your fault," Carina said, "There has been a lot going on. Like I said, I had also forgotten because of all the baby stuff."

"I'm sorry I haven't been there for you," Maya sighed.

"You are now and that's all that matters," Carina said, hugging Maya again.

They sat there for a few minutes, just enjoying being in each other's arms until Maya moved.

"Are you off all day today?" Maya asked, not remembering her wife's schedule.

"I have to work this afternoon," Carina said, "Just a half day from one until seven."

"Well, it's only 10," Maya said, "What do you say we put up some Christmas decorations?"

"I think that sounds like a perfect idea," Carina said, smiling, "And maybe after my appointment on Friday, we can pick up the bambine early and go get a tree?"

"That sounds great," Maya nodded, wiping one last stray tear from her cheek, "Now, let's get the boxes."

It took them a while to get out the bins of Christmas décor, Maya climbing up into the attic and passing things down to Carina who stacked them carefully in the hall. Once that was done, they carried some of the stuff downstairs, Carina getting to work on the shelves while Maya started to untangle the lights she would put outside the house.

Carina was always more into Christmas than Maya, but since having kids, both of them found the holiday a lot more magical than they dreamed it could be.

Maya had never been a decorate the outside of the house kind of person, but on the twins' first Christmas, they had gone on a light walk through a neighborhood and watching the girls squeal in delight at the lights and blow-up toys in the yards had been enough to convince Maya to go out after Christmas and buy a lot of outdoor décor for the following year.

Carina was not the biggest fan of her wife climbing around on the rood, but Maya insisted she did it at work all the time and that she was fine. The twins though that the lights were so incredibly amazing which only fueled Maya to want to put up more this year.

As Maya concentrated on untangling the lights, suddenly, she heard soft Christmas music playing, turning and looking at her wife.

"Is this ok?" Carina asked.

"Yeah," Maya said, offering Carina a small smile.

"Are you ok?" Carina asked, noticing a sad look on Maya's face.

"I was just thinking about putting up these lights this year," Maya said, still looking at the lights in her hands, "And how if I was pregnant, I probably wouldn't be putting them up. It's stupid. I'm fine."

"Bambina, it's not stupid," Carina said, setting down the Christmas tree figurine she was holding, going over to her wife, "It is a valid way of feeling. I felt this way every time I drank wine while we were trying to have a baby last time. It's ok. Can I give you a hug?"

Maya nodded as Carina bent down, hugging her close. "Thank you," Maya mumbled, burying her head into Carina's chest.

"We don't have to do this right now," Carina said, gesturing to the Christmas stuff, "I mean, I know I said we needed to, but if it's too much, we can wait." "

No," Maya said, "No, I am ok. I promise."

"Ok," Carina said, pressing a kiss to Maya's temple.

The rest of the morning went smoothly, Carina putting up the décor around the house while Maya untangled, tested, and fixed all the lights.

"Oh, I have to get going," Carina said, looking at her watch.

"Do you want me to make you some lunch before you have to leave?" Maya asked.

"If you want," Carina said, putting a few more normal decorations in a box to be packed for after the holidays.

Deep down, it made Carina incredibly happy that Maya offered to make her lunch because it was a very "Maya" thing to do and she had been missing seeing her wife over the past few days. Carina went upstairs, changing her clothes and fixing her hair and makeup before going downstairs, smiling when she walked into the kitchen and found her wife putting a sandwich on a plate for her alongside some fruit.

"Here you go," Maya said, handing it to her.

"Grazie Bambina," Carina smiled, "Are you going to eat with me?"

"I'm not really hungry," Maya said, shaking her head.

"Will you at least sit with me?" Carina asked, reaching for Maya's hand.

"Sure," Maya nodded, going to the fridge, grabbing out the protein shake she had put there when they went to start working on decorating.

She had barely drank a quarter of it earlier which Carina didn't love, but she knew that Maya and food did not mix well when the blonde was stressed, anxious, and overwhelmed and she was putting at least a little bit in her body.

The two of them ate lunch, discussing their plans for Christmas shopping for the girls, deciding they would split up the shopping when they had time off over the next few days.

They had decided when the twins were babies that they wouldn't get them a ton of presents but they liked to get them bigger thing they would use.

This year, they decided on strider bikes, a Montessori play set, some dress up clothes, a new baby for Rowan who was obsessed with all things babies, and a set of plastic dinosaurs for Nora who was going through a dinosaur phase.

They knew the girls would get other gifts from other people and they also had a birthday a week after Christmas where they would get more presents from other people, though Maya and Carina had decided to take them each out for a special day separately with Mommy and Mamma. It was rare that the twins got any time where they had both of their parents undivided attention and they knew it would be even more unlikely if and when they added another baby. The girls never seemed to mind always being together, and usually preferred it, but Maya and Carina both knew how important it was to give them individual time. They had found a children's cooking class that they signed up for with Nora and a climbing and exploration gym they both knew their crazy monkey Rowan would love.

"Ok," Carina said, standing up, "I need to get to work. I love you."

"I love you too," Maya said, standing up and giving her wife a kiss, "I will keep the girls up until you get home?"

"If they are up to it, I would appreciate it," Carina nodded, "And please be careful if you work on the lights."

"I will," Maya nodded.

"Good," Carina said, giving Maya one more kiss before walking out the door.

Maya spent the next few hours working on getting the Christmas lights put up, finishing just in time to pick up the twins.

When she brought them home, she brought them out front, smiling as the squealed at the lights and the blow-up snow globe Maya always swore she would never have until she saw how much Nora loved it last year and had to buy it. The twins spent a good ten minutes pointing at the house and looking at the snow globe, talking to Maya non-stop about all of it.

The older blonde was still exhausted and feeling emotional, but seeing the twins, getting to listen to their little voices and hear their stories and hold their hands reminded her of just how amazing her family was, and while it also made her want another baby a lot, she told herself that even if they never had another child, that these two amazing little girls were enough.

A few days later, there was once again an anxious tension in the house, though this time it was for a completely different reason than before.

It was the day before Carina's six-month post-treatment scans and to say she was nervous was an understatement. She had to have these scans ever three months for the first year and then every six months for the next three years and then she could go back to just normal yearly exams. She dreaded going to the exams and was so scared they might find something even though she knew the chance of a relapse was incredibly small.

She and Maya both worked the day before her scans, finding that it helped them be less anxious if they were busy all day.

Carina picked up the twins from daycare and headed home to what she was anticipating to be an empty house because Maya hadn't texted her telling her she was home.

Even though Maya had been talking to Carina more and seemed to be doing a bit better, Carina knew Maya was still struggling a little with how she was feeling about the transfer failing and by consequence, was throwing herself into her work. Carina tried to be understanding and most of the time, she was perfectly fine with it, but she really wished her wife was going to be home when she got there tonight.

When Carina opened the garage, however, she was confused when she saw her wife's car. It was extremely unusual for Maya to come home and not tell her, and it worried Carina quite a bit.

She tried to hurry in getting the girls out of the car, but Rowan, the ever-insistent independent child, had learned how to undo the top buckle of her car seat recently and she could usually do it, but it took her several tries. Carina got Nora completely out before going to help Rowan, but the toddler was having none of it.

"I tan do it Mamma," Rowan said, concentrating hard on the buckle, the look on her face pure Maya which normally Carina found adorable, but tonight, she was worried about her wife and more on edge than normal because of her scans tomorrow.

"Patatina, let me help," Carina said, reaching for the buckle.

"No," Rowan cried, "I do it. No Mamma."

Carina sighed, taking a deep breath, and trying not to get frustrated.

"Mamma, tan we do intide?" Nora asked, shivering a little in the cold garage.

"One minute Piccola," Carina said as Rowan unsuccessfully tried to undo her buckle again.

It took another few tries, but finally, Rowan got her buckle undone and the three of them headed into the house.

"Mommy," Nora said, running into the kitchen without even taking off her shoes.

"Hi Piccola," Maya smiled, picking the toddler up, "Oh, your hands are cold."

"Owan taken too yong," Nora said, burying herself into Maya's chest to warm up.

"Hi Bambina," Carina said, coming into the house, "What are you doing home? Is everything ok?"

"Yeah," Maya nodded, "Why?"

"You're home and you didn't tell me you were coming home," Carina said, walking over to her wife.

"I wanted to surprise you," Maya said, "I came home a little early and decided to make shepherd's pie for dinner because I know it's one of your favorite's."

"Grazie Bambina," Carina smiled, "You didn't have to do that."

"I know you are nervous about tomorrow," Maya said, pulling Carina to her with the arm she wasn't holding Nora in, "And I know I haven't been there for you as much as you need lately, so I thought maybe this would help make up for it."

"Bambina, you have been here for me," Carina said, giving her a chaste kiss, "But, I will never say no to shepherd's pie."

"It will be ready in about ten minutes," Maya said, looking at the timer.

The family had a nice dinner together, the girls telling Maya and Carina all about their day and how excited they were for Christmas. That was their favorite topic these days which made both moms incredibly happy they had Christmas day off so they would be able to spend the day with the twins. They knew there would likely be times in the future that they wouldn't be home on Christmas morning, but at this age, Christmas was magical and being able to be there was very important to both of them.

Maya and Carina had both spent years working every holiday they could to allow their coworkers who did have families to have time off, and because of that, there were many people who were willing to swap with them to allow them to be home with their family for Christmas.

Once dinner was over, Carina offered to clean up the kitchen, but Maya insisted that she go spend time with the girls, knowing that was one thing that helped Carina's anxiety a lot. The Italian planted a gentle kiss on her wife's lips before going into the playroom where Nora was baking cookies in the little kitchen for Babbo Natale while Rowan was over in the corner, wrapping baby blankets around toys.

"Mamma, it's for you," Rowan said, running over to Carina as she walked into the room.

"For me?" Carina asked, sitting down on the floor, "What is it?"

"It's a pwesent," Rowan said, smiling as Carina opened the blanket, revealing a few Duplo bricks and a hot wheel's car.

"Grazie Patatina," Carina smiled, "I love it."

"Wanna build a towa?" Rowan asked, looking at Carina.

"Of course," Carina nodded, crawling across the floor to where the blocks and Duplo bricks were.

They stacked blocks for a while, Nora bringing Carina cookies every so often. This was pretty typical, Nora playing alone and Rowan wanting to play with someone. The twins would play together often, but if someone was playing alone, it was almost always Nora. Maya joined them after a little while, joining in on the fun before it was time to put the twins to bed. Once the twins were down, Maya and Carina decided to curl up on the couch with mugs of hot chocolate and a movie, both of them clearly anxious.

"I hate that I have to have these scans all the time," Carina sighed, leaning her head on Maya's shoulder, "I mean, I know it will likely be normal, but I hate the anticipation of it."

"I know," Maya said, rubbing her shoulder, "But tomorrow, we will go and have your scans and then, we can go out for a late lunch, get the girls after their nap, and go get out Christmas tree and spend the rest of the day as a family, ok?"

Carina nodded, snuggling closer to Maya. They ended up watching a few movies, neither of them tired enough to sleep until close to 1 am.

Once they got in bed, Carina all but buried herself into Maya's body, the blonde rubbing her back and just trying to comfort her wife. It took another hour, but somehow, both of them managed to fall asleep.

Maya was up way too early the next day, deciding not to go for a run because she didn't want Carina to wake up alone, especially not today.

Instead, Maya pulled out her laptop, double checking that the Christmas presents she had ordered for her wife were still on their way before opening her document that contained her research about their options for expanding their family if their final transfer didn't work.

She knew she could do another round of egg retrieval, and that was something she was seriously thinking about, but she also wanted to see what other options were. She had been working on this document every time her insomnia hit or she was feeling anxious since finding out their transfer likely wasn't going to work. She didn't have much since it hadn't even been a week, but she had made a list of their options and ranked them on what she would want to do before doing any research.

She was currently working on researching what it would take for them to adopt an infant. The first step was finding an agency so she decided to do that now and then if they decided to pursue it, it would make everything faster. She found one that seemed to be very LGBTQ+ supportive and would be able to help them navigate any potential challenges that came with being a same sex couple. She had just finished putting in the information about the agency along with a backup agency just in case when she felt her wife stir next to her.

"What are you doing Bambina?" Carina mumbled as she rolled toward her.

"Just working on putting together our options if the second transfer doesn't work," Maya said, typing out one more thing about the second agency before closing her laptop.

"You don't have to do that alone," Carina said, rubbing her eyes as she sat up a little bit, "I can help you."

"It's what I work on when I can't sleep," Maya shrugged, pulling Carina close, the Italian resting her head on her wife's chest as Maya ran her fingers through her brown locks, tangled from an unsettled night of sleep.

Carina nodded, too tired to have any more conversation at the moment, allowing herself to just relax and listen to Maya's heartbeat that soothed her anxiety.

"You didn't go running this morning?" Carina asked after a few minutes.

"No," Maya said gently, moving her hands to run up and down Carina's back.

"Why not?" Carina asked, "Are you ok?"

"I'm fine," Maya reassured her, "I just didn't want you to wake up alone this morning."

"Grazie Bambina," Carina said, burying herself into Maya even more.

"Just like you are always here for me, I am always here for you," Maya said, kissing the top of her wife's head.

It was still early so the two of them spent some time in bed, just cuddling and enjoying each other's company.

They were eventually joined by Rowan who of course had to ask if it was Christmas yet as soon as she was in their room. It had been a daily question lately, and while Maya and Carina both tried to explain that there were still about twelve days until Christmas, the twins had no concept of time and asked every day.

They had an advent calendar Maya's mom had made for them for their first Christmas as a married couple that they had taken out when they unpacked their other decorations earlier in the week, and they had explained that every day, they would put another ornament on the fabric tree and when all the ornaments were gone, it would be Christmas, but the twins still asked every day.

Maya got up not long after Rowan got into bed, leaving Carina to cuddle the toddler while she went downstairs to make some much needed coffee.

She brought a mug up for Carina, finding both girls now cuddled into bed while Carina told them the story of La Befana, the Italian Christmas witch who would be making a visit to the Bishop-Deluca house in January. It was important to both Carina and Maya that their girls have traditions from both Italy and the US, and while they would get most of their gifts for Christmas, there were always small surprises for Epiphany as well.

"Mommy, La Befana is donna tome bwing tweats for us after our birfay," Rowan said, looking up at her as she walked in the room.

"I know," Maya smiled, handing Carina her coffee, "Is Mamma telling you the story?"

"Si," Rowan nodded, looking at Carina with wide eyes, waiting for her to finish.

Maya sat down in bed with her girls, Nora moving closer to her as she did so.

Mornings like this had been rare lately, the four of them piled in bed, just spending some lazy time together. They had spent plenty of last time in bed while Carina was having her treatments, but never in the mornings because the Italian was always asleep.

There was something special about the first hour the girls were awake when they didn't have anywhere to be and could just wake up at their own pace, all cuddled together in bed. Carina's scans weren't until 10 so they had a little more time to just enjoy these moments this morning.

As Nora curled up in her lap, though, Maya couldn't help but feel like someone was missing from this morning, trying not to let her mind wander down the future baby path right now, forcing herself to stay present and in the moment as much as she could.

Eventually, they all got up, the twins heading downstairs as Maya stopped Carina for a second.

"How are you this morning?" the blonde asked, wrapping her arms around her wife.

"Nervous," Carina admitted, "And anxious, but ok. I don't think these days will ever get easier, but that, being able to just spend some time with the bambine, it helped."

"Good," Maya said, pressing a kiss to her lips, "Is there any way I can help you right now?"

"No," Carina said, shaking her head, "This is helping. You just being here."

"I'm always right here," Maya said just as they heard a thud and someone crying from downstairs.

It turned out to be nothing, just Nora slipping on the floor and falling down. Some cuddles from Mamma and she was good as new.

The rest of the morning was easy, Maya wanting to cook breakfast for her wife, but the Italian declining, settling for some toast with a tiny bit of jam, her stomach too anxious for anything else.

Eventually, everyone was ready and out the door, Maya holding Carina's hand as she drove them to the hospital.

Once they got the twins dropped off, they headed upstairs where Carina got her blood drawn and an MRI before going to have a pelvic exam and get the results from the other tests. It took a few hours, but finally, they heard the news from Dr. Cho they had been hoping for: Carina was still in remission and everything looked perfect. They both cried as they hugged each other once the doctor left, the relief overwhelming.

They went out for a celebratory lunch at one of Carina's favorite Thai restaurants, just enjoying being together and the fact that they were both healthy, before going back to pick up the twins once their nap was over at daycare.

"Ok Bambine," Maya said as they walked them out to the car, "Guess what we are going to do?"

"I no know," Rowan said, shrugging her shoulder.

"Pway wif Unca T?" Nora asked.

"Not today," Carina laughed, shaking her head, "We are going to go get an albero di Natale and then put the decorations on it."

"For Babbo Natale to put pwesents under?" Rowan asked.

"Yes," Maya laughed as they got the girls in the car.

They headed to a Christmas tree farm they had gone to the past few years.

It had been a great debate in their house for a while about whether they should get a fake tree or a real one. Maya had insisted that fake trees were safer as far as fire risk, but Carina said the real ones smelled better. They had settled on getting a real tree, but always waiting until close to Christmas and only plugging in the lights when they were downstairs. Maya also had a strict watering routine with it and they took it down before New Year's Eve. It was a fair compromise, and Maya had come to admit that the real tree did smell the best.

They had found this family-owned farm that was about thirty minutes away where they got to cut down their own trees. They drove there, Christmas music playing, the twins singing in the back seat.

"Wow," Rowan said when they got to the farm, "Yook at all those twees."

"We can only pick one," Maya said as she and Carina put jackets, hats, and gloves on the twins.

"I want a big one," Nora said, "So Babbo Natale can find it."

"Ok," Carina laughed, helping her down from the car.

Maya grabbed a saw out of the trunk that had a safety guard on it before they headed over to the little hut to talk to the owners. They were told where they could do and headed over to the rows they were told they could use.

"Ok girls, we can pick from these," Maya said, crouching down to their level and pointing at the trees.

The girls ran ahead, pointing at each tree as Maya and Carina followed behind, hand in hand.

"I yike dis one," Nora said, pointing at a tree that was probably 10 feet tall.

"That one won't fit in our house silly girl," Maya said, shaking her head, "It's too tall. Look at these ones over here."

"How bout dis one?" Rowan said, pointing at a tree that looked like a Charlie Brown tree.

"Let's look at this one," Carina said, pointing to a tree that was both a reasonable size and fullness, "What do you think about this on Bambine?"

"Yeah," Rowan nodded, running over to it, "It's pwetty."

"Maya, what do you think?" Carina asked as the blonde circled the tree.

The blonde was always the most critical about their Christmas tree and wanted it to be perfect every year.

Maya was like this about everything related to the holidays. She had confided in Carina on the twins' first Christmas that she just wanted the girls to get to experience all the magic of the holiday season that she never got as a child, and while Carina understood that feeling, she also didn't want Maya putting too much pressure on it. They were still working to strike a balance, though.

"Well, this branch is a little weird," Maya said, pointing to one area of the tree.

"It's not that bad," Carina shrugged, "But if you want, we can keep looking."

Maya bit her lip, contemplating what she wanted to do for another minute.

"Mommy, are we gonna take dis one home?" Rowan asked, walking over to her.

"What do you think?" Maya said, picking the toddler up, "Do you like it?"

"Si," Rowan said, "It's cutie."

"Alright," Maya said, "We will get this one."

The twins both wanted to help with the sawing so Maya let them, Carina laughing and taking pictures the whole time.

Carina could tell, though, that Maya was starting to get a little frustrated as she tried to maneuver the saw around the toddlers so after a few minutes, she stepped in.

"Bambine, should we go get a treat from the store at the front?" Carina asked, "I think they have hot cocoa."

"Si," Nora said, jumping up immediately.

"I wanna help Mommy," Rowan said, pointing to Maya.

"I'm almost done," Maya said, looking at the toddler, "Why don't you go with Mamma and get some hot cocoa and I will be there in a few minutes? I bet they have other treats too."

Rowan furrowed her brow, but after a second of contemplation, she agreed, joining Carina and Nora.

They walked into the little store at the front of the property, Carina grateful for some heat after the chilliness of the day. They got some hot chocolate, and she let the twins each pick out a cookie, getting a cinnamon muffin to split with Maya before they went to find a place to sit.

"Is that good?" Carina asked, watching Rowan take a bite out of her Santa cookie.

"Si," Rowan said with her mouth full, smiling happily.

"Nora, is your hot cocoa good?" Carina asked.

"It's yike toffee yike you, Mamma," Nora said, holding up her cup.

"Si," Carina laughed, "It is like my coffee I get sometimes."

"Where's Mommy?" Nora asked as she carefully took a sip.

"She is getting the tree on the car," Carina said, "She will be in soon."

Maya did join her family after a little while, finding Rowan and Nora both covered in cookie crumbs and smiling from ear to ear.

"Hi Mommy," Nora said, "Yook. We get toffee yike you and Mamma."

"I see," Maya laughed sitting down across from her wife, next to Nora, "Is it good?"

"It's not toffee," Rowan said, "It's cocoa. We's too yittle for toffee."

"I got you some spiced cider," Carina said, handing Maya the cup, "And a muffin for us to share if you would like."

"Thank you," Maya said, taking the cup from her wife, "The tree is secured to the car and ready to go whenever we are ready. But no rush."

"Thank you for cutting it down for us," Carina smiled, reaching over and squeezing her wife's hand.

"I like doing that," Maya said, "This is a nice tradition."

They spent a little more time enjoying their snacks before heading back to the car.

"Wow," Rowan said as they got to the car, "Dere's a twee on the tar."

"There is," Carina laughed as she got her into her seat after taking off her jacket, "How else would we get it home?"

"Babbo Natale tould bwing it," Nora said as Maya strapped her in.

"He doesn't come until Christmas," Maya laughed, "And we need to have the tree decorated before then."

"Is it gonna cwunch the tar?" Rowan asked.

"No," Carina said, "It won't hurt the car. It might make it a little sticky, but it won't crush it."

"It's all good," Maya said as she and Carina got in the car, "I promise the tree won't hurt the car, ok?"

"Otay," Rowan said.

"Now," Maya said, "Let's go home."

Carina turned on Christmas music again and Maya smiled as she settled into her seat, holding her wife's hand as she listened to the twins sing Christmas songs from the back seat, feeling at peace for the first time in weeks.

What did you think? I thought I would take a little detour from the trying to get pregnant, and I can't decide if I want to jump back into it in the next chapter or if I want to write a Christmas chapter or something else. Let me know if you have a strong feeling one way or another. I am hoping to get another chapter either of this or We Have a Problem written in the next week, but we are nearing the end of the semester so I have exams to study for and I, for the third semester in a row, have bronchitis so we will see how long it takes. Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, and following, and favoriting. You all are the best.

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