2. Chapter 2

Over the next two weeks, Maya and Carina both tried hard not to think about whether or not Maya was actually pregnant, though it proved to be very hard because Carina was having to give Maya daily injections of progesterone or Maya was having to do them on herself when Carina was busy at work.

Maya allowed Carina to pamper her some for the first few days after the transfer, the blonde loving the nightly foot massages and treats Carina kept stopping by her office with. The Italian had to stop that though because the station was starting to wonder why she was there much more often than normal.

Carina would make Maya a mug of her favorite tea every night and made her favorite meals too, all of which Maya was incredibly grateful for even though she always insisted her wife didn't need to do that. It helped a lot with the extra anxiety this entire process had brough on that she couldn't alleviate with running or any other type of working out for several days. She had been short tempered and grumpy, and yet through it all, Carina was just there, allowing Maya to vent and dealing with her ever changing moods.

That in and of itself had made Maya both irrationally angry and extremely grateful which had resulted in a flood of tears the third night after her transfer because she was just so overwhelmed. Carina had just held her and assured her that no matter what, they were going to be ok. Maya had cried herself to sleep that night, Carina hoping that once Maya was able to get back to her more normal schedule, that some of these extreme and irrational emotions would calm down because while she loved Maya, it was getting exhausting.

However, Carina would do whatever Maya needed her to during this process because that is exactly what Maya always did for her. Also, they were in this baby making process together and even if Carina was no longer able to carry, she still planned on being with Maya every step of the way.

The two weeks passed agonizingly slowly, Maya's worries flying all over the place and making sleep much more challenging than normal, though Carina also helped with that as she would massage Maya's back until she fell asleep or sing her gently songs in Italian until her eyes would slip shut.

Maya had also been having some cramping, breast tenderness, and just overall kinda blah and while she knew that these could just be side effect from her medicine, she kept wondering if they were also early pregnancy symptoms.

She had talked to Carina about them and the Italian just reiterated what Dr. Howard said that they could just be side effects from medication. She would never tell Maya, but she was also secretly hoping they were early pregnancy symptoms too. The past year had been so long and challenging and if this worked on the first try, it would be amazing.

The night before the pregnancy test was much like the night before the transfer, Maya struggling with her sleep again.

This time, however, Carina was also awake for most of the night, both of them somehow managing to fall asleep around 4 am, getting about three hours of sleep before the twins woke them up.

After getting the girls ready and dropping them off at daycare, Maya and Carina headed to the fertility clinic. It was much busier this time than when they came for their transfer, Maya checking in before going to sit with Carina, both of them anxious. Maya was taken back to get her blood drawn before she and Carina were taken into a room to wait.

"What number are we hoping for again?" Maya asked, pacing around the room, completely unable to calm down.

"Bambina, come here," Carina said, pulling Maya close to her as she paced past her, "Whatever happens is going to be ok. The hope is that the number is over 100, but sometimes, it can be lower and still be a viable pregnancy because it depends on a lot of different things. We have to come back in two days to get another test regardless, ok?"

Maya nodded, letting Carina hold her for a minute.

After another ten minutes of waiting, there was a knock at the door and Dr. Howard walked in.

"Hello Maya and Carina," she said, smiling.

"Hi," Maya said nervously as she and Carina sat down in the chairs, "What is the number?"

"Alright, getting right to it," Dr. Howard said, sitting down on the wheeling stool, scooting over to Maya and Carina with the paperwork in her hands, "So, your hCG level is 18," Dr. Howard said and as soon as she said those words, Maya's entire body went cold, her ears ringing and everything moving in slow motion.

She vaguely felt Carina squeezing her hand and could tell Dr. Howard's lips were still moving, but all her brain kept repeating was that her hCG level was 18 which was incredibly too low and most likely meant the embryo didn't implant.

"Maya," the sound of her name drawing her out of her thoughts, "Bambina, hey. Are you ok?"

"So, I'm not pregnant," Maya said, looking at Dr. Howard.

"I can't say that conclusively," Dr. Howard said, shaking her head, "I will need you to come back in two days for a repeat blood draw, but I am going to be honest with you, 18 is not ideal for 14 days post-transfer. There is a chance this is not a viable pregnancy, but I can't say for sure until we retest. For the next two days, I want you to just relax, not think about it too much, and continue with your progesterone."

"How often do you see patients with an 18 on day 14 who go on to have a viable pregnancy?" Maya asked, looking at Dr. Howard, biting her lip.

"Honestly, it doesn't happen often," Dr. Howard said, "I have never personally seen it, but I have read about it happening. Like I said, I want to see you back in two days for another blood draw, ok? Is there anything else I can do for you?"

"No," Carina said as Maya shook her head, "Thank you."

"I'm sorry these weren't the results you were hoping for," Dr. Howard said as she left the room.

"Bambina?" Carina said, seeing Maya just staring straight ahead.

"Let's go," Maya said, standing up, "I want to go."

"Ok," Carina said, grabbing Maya's hand as they walked out of the room.

They went to the desk, quickly making an appointment for December 11th at the same time, both of them off again then before walking out of the office, Maya going around to the passenger side of the car without Carina even telling her to.

"Bambina, are you ok?" Carina asked quietly, knowing the answer was no because she wasn't ok so she couldn't imagine how her wife was feeling with the added hormones flowing through her body

. "I…I really thought I was pregnant," Maya said, staring straight ahead, "I…I just…I…my boobs are sore and I've been so tired and I just…I thought I was and now I'm not and I…I feel like I'm failing at this, like I have let our family down."

With that, Maya broke down into full, gut-wrenching sobs, Carina reaching across the center counsel and just holding her wife.

"You didn't fail anyone Bambina," Carina said softly, rubbing her back, not even bothering to tell Maya she still could be pregnant because they both knew the chances of that were incredibly tiny, "You didn't do anything."

The two of them just sat there together, Maya sobbing as Carina let out a few of her own tears both because she was just as heartbroken as Maya that this wasn't going how they planned and also because it was never easy to see Maya this upset.

After a good twenty minutes, Maya's tears settled some, Carina pulling away and grabbing some tissues from where they kept them.

"I want to go home," Maya said, taking a tissue from her wife.

"Ok," Carina nodded, "Let's go home."

When they got there, Maya immediately disappeared up to their bedroom, Carina sighing as she went into the kitchen to make some tea, something she knew Maya always liked when she wasn't feeling well.

She then remembered that Maya had said she had work at eleven. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was already almost 10:00. She made the executive decision that her wife was not going to work today, quickly grabbing her phone and calling Andy.

"Hey Carina, what's up?" Andy said, picking up her phone, "If you're looking for Maya, she's not here."

"Ciao Andy," Carina said, adding the tea bag to the teacup, "I know my wife isn't there because she is here and actually, that's why I'm calling. She isn't feeling well this morning and I don't think she is going to make it in."

"Oh no," Andy said, frowning, "Is she ok?"

"Yeah," Carina said, "Or she will be, but she's in bed right now so…"

"If Maya Bishop-Deluca is in bed at this time of day, I know she's not feeling well," Andy said, "Tell her to get some rest. I'll make sure everything is taken care of here. Let me know if you guys need anything."

"Thank you Andy," Carina said, hanging up the phone with a sigh.

She just stood there for a minute, bracing herself against the counter as she let a few of her own tears fall. She had been trying to prepare herself for the possibility that this wasn't going to work. It hadn't for her the first several times and she knew there was a chance it wasn't going to happen right away this time.

However, watching her wife start having what could have been early pregnancy symptoms and slight body changes made her think it might have. She knew it was all just from the daily hormones she was injecting into Maya's body but the logical part of her brain couldn't seem to remind the hopeful part of her brain of that enough. She stood there like that for a minute, just trying to gather some strength to go and help her wife through this when suddenly, a voice made her jump.

"I'm going for a run," Maya said, voice and face void of emotion, "And then I'm going to work. I'll see you later."

"Bambina, no," Carina said, "You do not need to go to work today."

"Carina, I cannot stop doing my job just because something didn't go how I wanted it to," Maya bit back, "I'm fine and I'm going to work."

"I already called Andy and told her you were sick," Carina said, knowing full well that Maya was pushing her feeling about this down.

It wasn't that she wanted Maya to wallow in this, but she also knew from her rigid posture and tight jaw that Maya was struggling with how she was feeling and she just wanted her wife to give herself a little time to process this.

"Why would you do that?" Maya said angrily, "I am fine. I have a meeting this afternoon that I need to be at."

"Bambina, it is ok if you just stay home today," Carina said.

"I'm going for a run and then going to work," Maya snapped, "I don't need to spend the whole day being sad because my uterus decided it didn't want a baby as much as the rest of me does. Can you call Andy back and tell her I am coming? I need to go or I'm not going to have time to shower before my meeting."

"I…ok," Carina sighed, "I love you."

"Love you too," Maya said shortly, giving Carina the smallest kiss before leaving.

Carina sighed, picking up her phone again, calling Andy.

"Hey Carina," Andy said, "Is everything ok?"

"Maya has decided she wants to work today," Carina said, rubbing her forehead.

"Carina, what's going on?" Andy asked, instantly concerned, "Are you and Maya ok?"

"We are…going to be fine," Carina said carefully, "Maya wasn't really sick this morning. She was just having a bad day and I didn't think she was going to be ok enough to come in to work, but she decided she was so she is. I hope that's ok."

"Yeah," Andy said, "I was planning on leading the meeting she was going to have since it's mostly just for all of us to talk about current stats and some new battalion wide initiatives we have all been working on planning so everyone is still coming. Is she alright? I feel like it's been a while since she had a bad day."

Bad days were what Maya called days where her anxiety, or more often, her depression, were so bad that she couldn't get out of bed. They had happened more during the pandemic, before Maya and Carina were married and, when Maya was initially dealing with her past and learning a new way to look at things. It was during this time she had been diagnosed with anxiety and depression that Dr. Lewis was fairly sure had been a part of her life since she was young.

After the initial diagnosis and essentially reframing how she looked at the world, Maya had done pretty well. Sure, she still had bad days, but they were typically few and far between.

"I think there's just a lot going on right now," Carina said truthfully, though omitting the biggest thing which was them trying to have another baby.

"But you are ok?" Andy asked, "Like, health wise and everything?"

Oh, si, I am fine," Carina said, knowing that ever since her cancer diagnosis earlier that year, everyone had been a bit more concerned about her health.

"Ok," Andy said, "Well, I will keep an eye on her."

"Grazie," Carina said, "And can you call me if anything happens?"

"Of course," Andy nodded, hanging up the phone.

Carina decided she was going to clean the house today, needing to be busy. She started on the kitchen first, throwing together a soup and putting it in the crock pot for dinner.

By the time that was done, she was exhausted both from the emotional toll of the day and also from not sleeping well the night before. She went upstairs to their bedroom, crawling into bed for a nap. She had always enjoyed naps, but since she had radiation, it had become a much more regular thing, her body still trying to fully recover from the effects of it.

She napped for about two hours, waking up around 2 feeling much less exhausted. It took her a good half hour to convince her body she should actually get out of bed, but eventually she did, deciding to go do a little cleaning in their bathroom before moving on to the twin's bathroom. She stripped the sheets on everyone's beds, putting clean bedding back on.

She then debated if she should start the laundry, checking her watch and seeing it was already close to 4:30, meaning she was going to have to go get the girls soon. She instead decided to just bring everything downstairs and wash them after they got home.

Carina decided to get ready to go get the twins, heading upstairs to fix her bed head from her nap. She then texted Maya, knowing the blonde had run to work and asking if she wanted her to come pick her up. Maya told Carina that was fine, that she was going to be in her office whenever she got there.

After unplugging the crockpot, but keeping the lid on to keep it hot, Carina headed to the daycare, smiling as the twins came running up to her as soon as they saw her.

"Mamma," Nora said, hugging her tight.

"Hi Piccola," Carina said, hugging her in one arm while Rowan jumped into the other one.

"Where's Mommy?" Rowan asked, looking at Carina.

"She is still at work," Carina said as she let the twins go, taking their bags from the daycare worker, happy they were already in their jackets were already on them, "But we are going to go pick her up, ok?"

"Yay!" Rowan and Nora both cheered as Carina finished signing them out.

"Hold my hands," Carina said as she slung the twins' bags over her shoulder.

They had stopped using their stroller recently because the girls were almost 3 and were very good at just holding hands and walking from daycare to the car.

"Can I pway with Unca Tee?" Nora asked as they walked to the car.

"I don't know if Zio Travis is working today," Carina said, "Mommy had to meet with Tia Andy and Zio Jack and the other captains today, but I don't know if A shift is working."

"Oh," Nora frowned as Carina got them into the car, taking off their jackets as they climbed into their car seats, both of them letting her buckle them in.

Their car seats were still facing backward, but the girls were both almost to the point of being ready to be turned around.

Once they were buckled in, Carina got into her seat, driving toward the station. She was mildly worried about how her wife was going to be when they got to the station, hoping that the blonde was really as ok as she said she was, but deep down, Carina knew this was hitting her hard.

They got to the station, Carina helping the girls out, deciding to forgo the jackets because the walk into the station was short and they would just rip them off as soon as they were in the door.

"Unca Tee," Nora yelled as they walked in the door, seeing Travis sitting at the desk.

"Bean," Travis said, smiling at her, "And Bug. What are you guys doing here?"

"We are getting Mommy," Rowan said, smiling at him.

"Wait, Maya is here today?" Travis said, confusion on his face.

"Yeah," Carina frowned, "She's been here since like 10:45."

"Oh," Travis said, "Well, I was out on a call then, but I genuinely have not seen her all day. She must be busy."

"Si," Carina nodded, "I think she probably was. Can you keep an eye on the twins while I go up to get her?"

"Of course," Travis nodded, "Rowan, Nora, do you want to go play in the engine?"

"Si," the twins cheered, scrambling toward the barn, Carina smiling as she watched for a second before heading up to Maya's office.

She knocked, hearing a quiet, "come in," from the other side.

"Ciao Bambina," Carina said, walking in, immediately trying to judge how her wife was doing as she walked over to the desk.

"Carina," Maya said, offering a small half-smile as she leaned over to kiss her wife, "Hi."

"How are you doing?" Carina asked, pulling Maya into a hug.

"Fine," Maya said, body stiffening a little bit, "Everything is fine."

"You've been hiding up here," Carina said as Maya pulled out of her arms, "Travis didn't even know you were here today."

"I had a lot to do," Maya shrugged, starting to pack up her things.

Carina knew this was neither the time nor place to push her wife about any of this so she instead just grabbed Maya's backpack, helping her get everything together.

"Do we still have to go get the twins?" Maya asked as she rubbed her eyes, the exhaustion from not sleeping the night before clearly catching up with her.

"No," Carina said, rubbing her back, "They are in the barn playing with Travis. Or that's where they were when I left them."

"Ok," Maya nodded, taking a deep breath before standing up.

"Let's go home," Carina said, pulling her wife into a hug, feeling some of the tension leave the blonde's body as she did so.

Carina just rubbed her back, kissing the top of her head as they stood there. Suddenly, they heard squealing and running of little feet before the door burst open.

"Mommy, Mamma," Rowan and Nora cried, running to them, "Save us."

"What?" Carina said, pulling away from her wife, picking up Rowan.

Just then, Travis came running in, wearing a blanket over his head, the twins squealing, Nora burying her head in Maya's legs and Rowan clung to Carina.

"Is Zio Travis being silly?" Carina asked, tickling Rowan as Maya picked Nora up, both toddlers laughing.

"Silly," Rowan nodded, laughing as Travis playfully growled at them before pulling the blanket off her head, the twins both running over to him.

"Bambine, it's time to go home," Carina said, smiling at her daughters.

"No," Nora said, holding onto Travis's legs, "Wanna pway wif Unca T."

"Maybe we can play another day at the park or something soon," Travis said, picking Nora up, seeing from the look on Maya's face that she was exhausted, "But right now, you have to go home with Mommy and Mamma."

"Fine," Nora sighed dramatically, hugging Travis tightly.

"How about I carry you to the car?" Travis said. "Si," Nora nodded, smiling.

"Alright," Travis said, heading toward the door.

"Mommy, uppie pwease," Rowan said, holding her arms up to Maya.

"How about I carry you?" Carina said, knowing Maya was exhausted.

"Otay," Rowan said, holding up her arms as Carina scooped her up.

"Thanks," Maya said, smiling at her wife as they headed out the door, Maya locking her office behind her.

"Are you alright Chief?" Travis asked after the twins were in the car.

"I will be," Maya nodded, "There's just a lot going on right now, but I'll be fine."

"Ok," he said, not wanting to push, "Well, if you need anything, let me know."

"Thanks, Trav," Maya smiled a little.

With that, Maya got in the car, Carina in the driver's seat since it was her car. They drove home, Maya putting her work bag away while Carina got dinner ready.

"Car, is it ok if I just go lay down for a little bit?" Maya asked as she walked into the kitchen, "I'm not hungry."

"You should eat Bambina," Carina sighed, stopping what she was doing and walking over to Maya, wrapping her arms around her, "I know you didn't eat breakfast and I doubt you ate lunch."

"I'm tired," Maya said, "And I'm not hungry. I kinda feel nauseous. I'll eat tomorrow."

"Alright," Carina said, rubbing Maya's back, "Fine. I will come check on you soon."

Maya nodded, turning to leave the room.

"Mommy, where you doing?" Nora said.

"I am going to go lay down," Maya said, "I don't feel well right now."

"You ick?" Rowan asked, furrowing her brow.

"A little bit," Maya said, "But I'm ok. I'm mostly just tired."

Rowan walked over to Maya, wrapping her little arms around her legs.

"I lub you Mommy," the little blonde said, looking up at Maya.

"I love you too Patatina," Maya said, rubbing her hand on Rowan's back, biting back tears.

"Me too," Nora said, running over and hugging Maya too, "I lub you too."

"We all love Mommy," Carina said, coming over and joining in the family hug, "So much because she is the best and does so much for us."

They all stood there for a minute before the twins squirmed out of it.

"I need to go feed them," Carina said, brushing a tear off Maya's cheek, "Are you sure you don't want to eat?"

Maya shook her head, turning and going upstairs. Carina sighed, knowing exactly how her wife was feeling because she had been in that exact place when they were trying to conceive the twins, but watching her wife go through it was so much harder than Carina anticipated.

Carina got dinner on the table for the twins, throwing in a load of laundry before deciding she would eat with them because that was something she and Maya tried to do as often as they could. The twins chatted with her about their day at daycare and what they did with Travis at the station, Carina trying her best to be present with the twins when all she wanted was to be upstairs with her wife.

After dinner, the twins went to play in the playroom while Carina made a mug of tea for Maya, grabbing a sleeve of crackers and a banana, hoping maybe Maya would put something in her body. Carina walked upstairs quietly on the off chance that her wife had fallen asleep. She went into the bedroom, finding Maya wide awake, just staring at the ceiling.

"Hey Bambina," Carina said, going over to Maya's side of the bed, "I brought you some tea and food. I know you said you aren't hungry, but I thought maybe these things would be easy on your stomach if you feel up to eating a little something."

"Thanks," Maya mumbled, not looking at her wife.

Carina was about to say something else when she heard yelling coming from downstairs, knowing the twins were likely fighting over a toy or something.

"Do you need anything else?" Carina asked as she moved toward the door.

Maya just shook her head, rolling over and pulling the covers up. All Carina wanted to do was crawl into bed and hold her wife and take some of her hurt away like Maya did when they were struggling to conceive the twins, but the girls made that impossible.

Carina went downstairs, finding the twins were indeed fighting over a toy. Carina redirected them to other toys, wishing she could take them outside, but it was December and already dark and also fairly cold.

Once the girls were settled with new toys, Carina went into the kitchen, cleaning up the kitchen, flipping the laundry, and making lunch for the girls. She and Maya both had work the following day, Carina on a 12-hour shift and Maya on call for a 24.

Once that was done, she took the twins upstairs for a both, Maya shuffling into bathroom as the twins were in the bath.

"Come here," Carina gestured from where she was sitting on the closed toilet, pulling Maya into her lap.

Maya sat down, leaning her head on Carina's shoulder as the Italian ran her hand up and down her wife's back.

"Mommy," Rowan called, "You feewin betta?"

"A little bit," Maya said, smiling at her daughter.

"Yook Mommy," Nora said, standing up and holding her mermaid toy up in the air before dropping it.

"Wow," Maya smiled tiredly, "That was awesome."

"Yook at me," Rowan said, putting bubbles on her chin, "Yike Babbo Natale."

The girls were a little bit obsessed with Santa, or Babbo Natale, this year and with Christmas in less than three weeks, it was a hot topic in the Bishop-Deluca home.

"Bene Patatina," Carina said, smiling at her little girl.

"I guess now we can put up the tree," Maya said, sadness dripping from her voice, "I don't have to be careful about lifting too much."

Carina just pulled Maya closer, kissing her cheek as they both watched the twins in the tub.

"I'll put them to bed tonight," Maya said as they got the twins out of the tub.

"Ok," Carina nodded, knowing that because of her shift, she would likely miss bedtime tomorrow, but if her wife wanted to do bedtime tonight, she would happily let her.

The twins were currently at a fun stage of independence where they had to dress themselves but they weren't quite all the way there on actually being able to do it. They were good at getting on their own underwear and pants went ok most of the time, though it was a 50/50 chance if they were on backwards or not, but shirts were a struggle because there were too many holes and only one was big enough for their head, but of course, that was never the one their head went to and if Maya or Carina dared touch the shirt, Rowan would throw a tantrum. Nora was a bit more forgiving and would accept help after a few tries of her not getting it.

Tonight was no different, Rowan literally throwing her little body on the ground when her head didn't fit through the arm hole of her shirt.

"Ok, Rowan, Nora and Mommy are going to go brush Nora's teeth and when they get back, Mommy is going to read," Carina said, seeing Maya's patience wearing thin with the screaming coming from Rowan, "I can help you put on your shirt and get ready for bed and you can join to read books, but if you don't put your shirt on by the time Mommy and Nora come back, you are going to go to bed without a story. You can choose what you want to do, but you are going to put on your shirt either with my help or on your own."

Rowan cried, pulling her shirt back on, her head again going into the arm hole.

"Come on Nora," Maya said, bringing the other little girl into the bathroom to brush her teeth.

Luckily, somehow, Carina convinced Rowan to let her help and by the time Maya was ready to take Nora back into the bedroom, Carina, and a sniffling Rowan came into the bathroom so Rowan could get her teeth brushed.

Once Rowan was done, Maya settled in the rocking chair with both girls on her lap, each of them bringing a book with them. Maya read to the twins, just enjoying holding them close and trying to remind herself that it had taken five transfers and eight total embryos to get the beautiful girls in her lap so it was ok that it didn't take this first time trying for baby number 3.

She tucked the twins into their beds, singing them each their special song before leaving the room.

She went back to her bedroom, fully intending to brush her teeth and then curl up in bed for the rest of the night. However, when she walked into the bathroom, she found her wife there, the tub filled with bubbles and a multitude of battery powered candles around the tub.

"What?" Maya said, looking at her wife.

"I thought maybe a nice, calm bath would help you feel a little better," Carina said, "I know you have been uncomfortable and I thought maybe this would help."

"Thank you," Maya said, smiling, "A bath sounds nice."

"Before your bath, I need to give you another injection though," Carina said, gesturing to the counter where she had the syringe already set up.

"It kinda seems pointless," Maya said, pulling off her shirt, looking down at her bruised belly, "We both know it's not happening this month."

"We are going to keep doing them until Dr. Howard tells us to stop," Carina said, wiping off the area of Maya's stomach she would be giving the injection.

Maya nodded, looking up at the ceiling as Carina quickly injected the progesterone injection.

"Done," Carina said, pressing a kiss to the area, "Now, you get in the tub and relax."

"Will you join me please?" Maya asked softly.

"Of course," Carina nodded, "Do you need anything before we get in the tub?" Maya shook her head as she pulled off her pants.

"Ok," Carina said, stripping off her own clothes, both of them getting in the tub together, Carina sitting behind Maya, just holding her.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes, Carina pressing kisses to Maya's neck every so often.

"I'm sorry," Maya said after a few minutes, "I'm sorry this didn't work and I'm sorry I am having such a hard time with it. I…I don't know what is wrong with me."

"Bambina, you have nothing to be sorry for," Carina said, pulling her closer, "You didn't do anything. Remember how many times this happened when we were trying with the bambine? And every time, I was devastated and you would hold me and remind me that it would happen for us, that you were right here with me, and that none of it was my fault, and it was just as true then as it is now. You are allowed to feel however you feel right now, but you are not allowed to blame yourself, ok? There is nothing you could have done to change the outcome of this. It just wasn't meant to be this month, and that is ok. We can try again."

"We only have one embryo left," Maya said, tears still streaming down her face, "And if it doesn't work…"

"If it doesn't work, we will figure it out," Carina said, rubbing Maya's back, "We could do another round of egg retrieval. We still have another vial of donor sperm frozen at the clinic so we could do another round or we could look into getting a donor embryo or adoption. But we still have one more embryo so we can try again with that one if you want."

"I want to," Maya said, nodding, "I want to do it again. And if it doesn't work…I don't know what I want to do."

"How about we don't think about that right now," Carina said, wetting Maya's hair a little, "We will cross that path when we get there, ok?"

"That bridge," Maya said, "Cross that bridge when we get there. And I guess. I think maybe we should start looking into them though, just so we know our options. I…I think I need to know more."

"Ok," Carina nodded, "We can do that. We can do whatever you need."

"Thank you," Maya said as Carina continued to play with her hair.

They got into bed that night together, Carina managing to get Maya to eat half a banana which was more than nothing so she decided it was a win.

"Can we wait until January to do the next transfer?" Maya asked as they laid in bed, "I just…I want to have Christmas and the girl's birthday without having to deal with…all this."

"Of course," Carina nodded, "We can wait as long as you want."

Carina desperately wanted to tell Maya that it still might work this time, but she knew, as soon as she heard the hCG was 18, that this transfer was not sticking, and she didn't want to give Maya any false hope that it might.

"I think I just want to wait until January," Maya yawned, snuggling closer to Carina, "And then if that one doesn't work, we can move on to a different option."

"Ok," Carina said, "Then January. Now, go to sleep Bambina. Wake me up if you need me tonight, ok? I am right here for you."

"I love you," Maya slurred as she drifted off to sleep.

"I love you too," Carina said, pressing a kiss to her wife's forehead, "So much."

The following day was busy, both of them working pretty much all day which was probably the best thing for both of them because it helped keep them distracted.

Andrew ended up having to pick up the twins from daycare because Maya ended up at a 3 alarm that ran past the time she was supposed to get the girls. Carina actually beat her home, even though the Italian didn't get home until close to an hour after she was supposed to at about 9 pm.

Maya didn't get home until 1 am, showering quickly before getting ready to crawl into bed. Just as she was about to lay down, she remembered she needed to give herself her shot, dragging her exhausted body downstairs, drawing up her progesterone and injecting it into her stomach, picking a place that was the least bruised.

She wanted to just skip this injection tonight, knowing that in all likelihood, she was not pregnant, but a small part of her was still hopeful that tomorrow, they would get better news.

Once the injection was done and she had pounded a full glass of water, she headed back upstairs, climbing into bed next to her wife.

She tried to fall asleep, but again, her brain was running, thinking about the appointment tomorrow.

As she shifted in bed for the twentieth time in an hour, Carina woke up.

"Hi Bambina," she mumbled, "Did you just get home?"

"Like an hour ago," Maya said, looking at the clock. "Come here," Carina said, pulling her close, "Was the call ok?"

"Yeah," Maya said, "It was just a warehouse fire. All the civilians got out, but the damn building just would not go out. I'm just thinking about tomorrow, or I guess later today."

"Whatever happens, it will be ok Bambina," Carina said, pressing a kiss to her wife's lips, "But you not sleeping tonight is not going to change what is going to happen. Now, relax."

Carina moved so she was sitting on Maya's legs, massaging her wife's back gently, smiling as she felt Maya's breathing calming down and evening out. Once she was sure Maya was asleep, Carina carefully moved herself off her wife, laying down and falling back to sleep pretty quickly. The next morning, Maya was up early to go for her run, needing to get her anxiety about this appointment under control.

She kept telling herself that this was likely going to just confirm that she was not pregnant, but part of her kept saying that it was possible that she was actually pregnant, that she was in the .01% of the .01% who got pregnant after such a low hCG. Carina got cervical cancer even though she had essentially no risk factors so why couldn't she be pregnant against all the odds.

She ran for close to an hour, much longer than she normally would, but she just couldn't stop. She got home, everyone else still asleep as she crept into the shower. The twins would be going to daycare today, likely for the entire day, because while Maya and Carina were both off, no matter the results of this appointment, both of them were acutely aware they would need time together without their girls. The morning went fairly smoothly, both Maya and Carina going to drop off the twins before heading across town to Dr. Howard's office.

"I feel like I might be sick," Maya said as they waited in the room after she had had her blood drawn.

"Bambina, whatever happens, it will be ok," Carina said, stopping Maya's frantic pacing by drawing her close, "We will be ok."

The blonde nodded, burying her face in Carina's neck as the Italian hugged her.

After an agonizing 15 minutes, Dr. Howard came in.

"What are the results?" Maya blurted out.

"Why don't you sit?" Dr. Howard said, gesturing to the chairs.

"What are they?" Maya said, again, stomach churning as she clung to Carina's hand.

"Your hCG is 3," Dr. Howard said, "You are not pregnant. I am so sorry."

Maya and Carina both took a deep breath, Carina squeezing Maya's hand as they sat there.

"Do you want to discuss anything?" Dr. Howard asked gently, "Next steps or…"

"We want to wait to do the next cycle until January," Carina said, glancing at Maya who gave a small nod, confirming that was still what she wanted, "We want to enjoy the rest of the year and celebrate the twins' birthday before we jump back into this."

"Of course," Dr. Howard nodded, "We can try again whenever you are ready. If January is the plan, I will make that note in my chart and have prescriptions ready to go. All you will have to do is call the office and we will get them filled, ok?"

"Grazie," Carina nodded.

"Maya, are you alright?" Dr. Howard asked, noticing how quiet the blonde had been since hearing the news.

Maya nodded a little, just staring at the floor.

"Ok," Dr. Howard said, glancing at Carina, "Well, if you need anything, you can always call the office. You can stop taking all the meds for now. Again, I am so sorry this time didn't work."

"Thanks," Maya mumbled as Dr. Howard left, Maya standing up quickly after, she and Carina leaving the office.

"Bambina, is there anything I can do?" Carina asked as they got in the car, "Do you want to go somewhere or have me get anything?"

"Can we just go home?" Maya asked softly, staring out the window in the passenger side of the car, Carina insisting on driving to this appointment.

The Italian nodded, driving them home in silence. When they got there, Maya disappeared up to their room again, much like she had after the first appointment.

This time, however, just as Carina finished making tea for her wife, she heard sobs coming from upstairs. She ran up the steps, going into the master bedroom to find her wife curled up in bed, sobbing into her pillow.

She quickly set down the tea, climbing into bed and pulling Maya into her arms. The blonde fought her for a minute before stopping and instead clinging onto her wife.

"Shhhh," Carina said as she held Maya, "It's going to be ok. I am right here."

"I just…I thought this would work," Maya sobbed, "We, impossible things happen to us all the time, and I…I thought…I thought it would work…".

"I know," Carina said, rubbing her wife's back, "I know. I'm so sorry."

After a good half an hour of crying, Maya finally fell asleep in Carina's arms, the Italian carefully laying them both down in bed.

As she held her wife tightly, she couldn't help but wonder if this whole thing was a mistake. If trying to have another baby caused Maya this must emotional distress, was it really something they should be doing at all?