35. Chapter 35

Dean could’ve used a few more minutes of being cuddled in Castiel’s lap. Having Castiel’s arms around him while Castiel whispered reassurances made everything seem like it was okay: there was no room for judgment or guilt or shame. But he was too aware of how long they could be away from the table before someone would start to wonder where they were. He didn’t want Sam, Bobby or Rufus to get too curious and come looking. So he forced himself to slide off Castiel’s knee, stand up, and wash his face and hands.

When he turned around again, Castiel had the familiar diaper bag open on the floor. Dean bit his lip. He really didn’t want to put another diaper on. It was humiliating. But he’d barely made it to the toilet; by the time the urge to pee had registered, the pressure was so bad that moving had made it unbearable. If he’d lost control, there was no way a pull-up would have been enough to absorb it all. And the only thing worse than peeing himself in the same room as his family was having them know he was doing it because the pee was soaking right through.

Reluctantly, he stood in front of Castiel and allowed the angel to put another diaper on. Much as he hated to admit it, the feel of the material around his hips and genitals was kind of comforting. It was a constant presence telling him that if, by some horror, he did lose control, no one would know. Though that didn’t really make the thought any less terrifying. He slipped his thumb into his mouth, sucking hard, as Castiel helped him to step into first one side of the jeans and then the other.

As Castiel pulled the jeans up to his thighs and then fastened them, he smiled up at Dean. “It’s okay. We’re going to go out and finish supper, and then we’ll go home. You can have a bath and go to bed.”

“Don’t wanna go to bed,” Dean whined around his thumb. It was only about four in the afternoon. They were having a late lunch, not an early supper!

“Dean…”

“Not tired. Wanna finish the picnic. Wanna swim.”

Castiel sighed, though he never lost his fond smile. “Okay. If that’s what you’d like to do, that sounds good to me. I’m sure Gabriel and Samandriel would be more than willing.” He stood up and gently pulled Dean’s thumb from his mouth. “Are you sure you’re okay to finish supper?”

Dean nodded firmly. He wanted to stay and see Sam for a little while longer, no matter how nervous he was being around his brother. He left the bathroom first, slipping into the kitchen. No one seemed to notice except for Gabriel, so he sat down in his seat. His half-eaten slice of pizza was still on the plate, but it no longer seemed that appetizing. He picked at a piece of pepperoni. He’d only eaten a couple of pieces, when normally he had no problem putting away a full pizza by himself, but he just wasn’t that hungry.

“What’s wrong?” Gabriel leaned across Castiel’s empty seat, looking at him in concern. “You didn’t eat much this morning, either.”

Instead of risking a response, Dean just shrugged. To be honest, the picnic seemed like it had happened a long time ago instead of just that morning. He turned away from Gabriel, just in case the archangel got any ideas about trying to treat him like a little kid, and said to Sam, “Are you still doing good at your classes?”

Sam nodded and launched into an enthusiastic description of his courses. At some point Rufus and Bobby slipped out, leaving Dean and Gabriel to Sam’s mercy. It was still hard to listen to Sam sound so excited about a life away from Dean. But for the first time ever, it didn’t make Dean feel so lonely that he just wanted to curl up and hide. Because he had a life now too, one that Sam wasn’t a part of. He was reminded of that even more strongly when Castiel finally slipped into the room and sat down beside him, one hand giving Dean a subtle squeeze on his shoulder.

When Sam paused for a breath after about twenty minutes of rambling, Dean was even able to muster up a teasing smile and say, “So have you met any cute girls yet?”

“W-what? No!” Sam sputtered, looking embarrassed.

“Are you sure, Sammy? I bet you run into all kinds of cute co-eds. College girls…” Dean put on his best leer, even though sex had been so far from his mind for the past few months that it felt weird.

“Gross, Dean! I’m five or six years older than most of them,” Sam muttered, viciously tearing the remains of his pizza into little pieces. “And before you say anything, no. I’m not interested in the ones who are my age, okay? I have more important things to be focusing on. I want to get through school as quick as possible.”

“Why?” Dean said, honestly confused. “You love school. It was the only thing you could talk about the first year we spent together.”

“Yeah, I know, but I don’t want to be there forever. I’m just tired. It’s a lot of effort and commitment, you know?” Sam sighed. “And a lot of money.”

“You know money’s no object, Sam,” Gabriel said. He'd funded Sam's return to school, paying all of the fees before either Winchester had known about it.

Sam nodded. “I just don’t want any distractions right now, that’s all.” His tone clearly indicated that the subject was closed, and Dean didn’t push him anymore. This wasn’t the first time he’d wondered if Sam found it hard to be at Stanford. Everything about the school had to remind him of Jess and the life he’d been so close to having.

He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, wondering if Sam would take the chance to ask again about whether or not Castiel treated him like a little kid. That wasn’t a question Dean was prepared to answer. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to talk about the physical things - the diapers, the pacifiers, the sippy cups, or the stroller – much less the way he actually treated: how he was carried around, bathed, fed, and cuddled to within an inch of his life. It was too private, even for Sam.

But his brother didn’t. He just shook his head and sat back. “I should be getting back. I’ve got classes early tomorrow and it’s been a really long day. I ‘ve already missed my shift and I have an essay to finish before I can go to bed tonight.”

“How did you get here, anyway?” Dean asked, suddenly realizing he’d never thought to ask how his brother had traveled thousands of miles that quickly.

“Angel air, how else?” Sam said with a faint smile. “When I heard about Bobby, I kinda panicked. I didn’t want to bother trying to take a plane, and Rufus wouldn’t tell me how bad it was on the phone. I wasn’t sure if it was worthwhile bothering you guys or not. So Hester came and picked me up. She was really nice about it, actually. Though she didn’t answer me when I asked her to come back and heal Bobby.”

“Who?”

“Hester,” Castiel repeated. “I asked her to keep an eye on Sam and answer his calls if anything went wrong, since I wasn’t sure if I would always be able to answer. I’ll ask her why she didn’t answer you the second time, Sam.”

Sam shrugged. “It’s fine, Cas. I don’t expect an angel to hover over me every second of the day, and Bobby probably wouldn’t have been very happy about being healed by a random angel anyway.” He stood up and stretched, rubbing the back of his neck with a sigh. “Can someone give me a ride back to campus?”

“I’ll do it,” Gabriel said, getting up. Dean stood up too, conflicted. On the one hand he wanted Sam to stick around longer, but on the other hand he was anxious for his brother to leave before Sam started prying again.

“Thanks. See ya, dude.” Sam threw his arms around Dean in a rough hug. Dean hugged him back automatically, a little surprised, because they hadn’t even hugged at the bus station when Sam left for Stanford the second time around. He let it go on for just a little longer than normal, then patted Sam’s back gently and pulled back. He wasn’t expecting the surprisingly strong thump Sam gave him right between the shoulder blades before Sam let go.

It hurt. A lot. Surprisingly so. Dean barely bit back a squeak of pain. His back had been kind of sore all day, little tingles of pain on and off, but he’d attributed it to sharing a bed with Castiel last night and sleeping in an awkward position. This, though, felt more like Sam had grabbed a knife and sliced him open all the way down his spine. He stepped back, standing stiffly, just barely resisting the urge to check for damage. Castiel shot him a questioning look as he hugged Sam goodbye, and then Gabriel put a hand on Sam’s arm.

“We’ll be right back,” Gabriel told them, and then he and Sam were gone.

“Are you okay?” Castiel asked the second they were alone.

“I’m fine. Just ready to go home,” Dean replied. For something so sharp that it took his breath away, the pain was fading quickly into a dull ache. Like a toothache, the kind that didn’t hurt unless you bit into something. Nothing really worth worrying Castiel about, especially not when Castiel would only get that pinched look because he couldn’t do anything about it.

He turned away from Castiel’s narrowed eyes, adding, “I’ll go say goodbye to Bobby. Be right back.” And quickly walked away before Castiel could say anything.

Bobby was out in the yard. Rufus was gone, probably headed home. Dean walked over to him slowly, giving him a quick head to toe glance. Gabriel’s mojo was thorough: Bobby looked fine now, a world away from the man who, not five hours ago, had been dying in a hospital bed. He might have been pissed that Rufus had contacted Sam, but it was a damn good thing that Rufus had. Much longer and Bobby would be dead. The thought made his stomach twist uncomfortably, his eyes burning, and jesus no one had told him that this hatchling thing would involve so much crying.

“You leaving?” Bobby asked without looking at him, taking a sip from his beer.

Dean had to clear his throat before he could speak. “Yeah. Gabriel has stuff to do, and Cas can’t really fly right now.”

“He’s going back up to heaven for a little while, isn’t he?”

Damn. Had everyone seen this coming except Dean? “I think so. It’s the fastest way for an angel to regain their grace, right?”

“You good with that?”

No. “Yeah.”

Bobby shot him a knowing look. “You’re a shit liar, kid.”

“Don’t call me that,” Dean said, scowling. It was bad enough he had to hear that kind of stuff from Gabriel and Castiel at every opportunity. He didn’t want Bobby doing it, too. “Besides, I have to be okay with it. Cas is a sitting duck with his grace the way it is. Those demons almost killed him, Bobby. They would’ve, too, except Gabriel and Balthazar found out what was going on. He needs his grace back more than I need him.”

It sounded convincing enough to Dean’s ears, but Bobby didn’t seem like he was buying it. He just raised an eyebrow with an expression that clearly said he knew Dean was full of shit and said, “Don’t be a stranger to your brother no more. As little sleep as I get, I don’t appreciate having it interrupted by hysterical phone calls because you won’t pick up the damn phone.”

Dean couldn’t help it. He stuck his tongue out. “It’s not my fault Sammy’s a big girl.”

“I mean it, ya idjit.” Bobby shook his head. “You really had him worried.”

“Sorry,” Dean muttered to the ground, uncomfortable. He really hadn’t thought it would be that big of a deal. Last time Sam had cut off all contact when he went to Stanford. How was Dean supposed to know that this time was different?

He was saved from having to continue the conversation when Castiel and Gabriel came out of the house. Dean stepped towards them, relieved, and didn’t even protest Gabriel slinging an arm around his shoulders – but only because Gabriel wrapped his other arm around Castiel’s waist. He leaned into the familiar warmth, said a quick goodbye to Bobby, and let Gabriel’s wings take him away.