Living in a Really, Really Weird World by Snow-Nightshade (Naruto)

*Recommendation from DarksEid*

Summary: SI/OC Her name is Kazeshini Uzumaki and she was born even before Madara Uchiha was around, she doesn't want to fight head on and so fights as an assassin, she's a dauntless sword user who carries a nodachi a few inches taller than her, and she's a girl who really just wants to bear hug the ever adorable Naruto and he isn't even around yet. Self-Insert (Rating has changed to M)

Link: https://m.fanfiction.net/s/12080747/1/Living-in-a-Really-Really-Weird-World

Word count:105k

Chapters:30 (43)

Chapter 1-3

Chapter One

Dying is painful, shocking and all together rather unpleasant. She had just been minding her business, walking across the street; her whole goal just trying to get an actual interview for her first job. It was bright out, and hot too. She had already participated in her three college classes for the day which resulted in a paper which would be due the next Monday. Her grandmother was helping pay for classes, as long as she didn't fail a class, but getting a job to try paying for her own classes and books would help relieve the financial burden off her grandmother.

In her hand was the résumé which she had spent hours poring over to get it just right. On her back was her backpack filled with textbooks and binders full of homework and class notes. She was dressed nicely, since she had always thought that a person should dress to impress even when in school, so she was dressed in slacks and a button up shirt.

Personally, she thought she wasn't too pretty. In fact, she was quite envious of other girls with their perfectly curled and styled hair or make-up. She had plain blond hair that didn't do what it was supposed to most of the time, and a face that just couldn't wear makeup without breaking into acne. Plain brown eyes and glasses made her a plain Jane all the way around.

She had never had a boyfriend and only once did she ever have any sort of sexual experience but she was too embarrassed to go all the way without being married.

She waited at the street corner, waiting for the light to turn green, impatient and huffy from the weight of her backpack and the heat of the sun glaring down on her head. Finally, when the light turned green, she walked across the intersection, her eyes glued to the phone in her free hand. She didn't even bother looking in both directions as she had been taught as little kid.

Not even halfway across the road, a sports car came barreling down the road having taken a turn on two wheels. The car swerved drunkenly so she picked up the pace in her nice, high heeled boots while trying to run across to safety, and the car didn't even stop at the obvious red light.

Whoever was driving only put on the brakes as he was already halfway across the intersection, probably just having spotted the girl in whatever drunken haze he or she was experiencing.

She shouldn't have moved at all, but continued trying to get to the other side of the intersection. The whole fight or flight mentality had her running with her metaphorical tail tucked between her legs in fright, but the car swerved. Right. Into. Her.

You know, when they say that you can't feel yourself dying because the shock is so abrupt that you literally can't process it in that moment? Wrong. She could literally fell the impact as her hips shattered; legs were turned to paste, ribs and spine snapping like brittle twigs. She could feel her skin shredding as she rolled across the street, wonderfully patterned road rash on what skin hadn't been pulverized and pulped.

It was at that point that shock set in as blood rapidly drained from her unmoving, paralyzed body.

She could suddenly hear everything; birds chirping, the guy driving getting out of his car and throwing up all over his feet, and a minute later the sirens wailing since the police/fire station was only a hop, skip, and a jump away. Everything was so hyper clear though she couldn't think a single thought among all that information that her senses tried shoveling into her brain.

Blood bubbled from her lips, her lungs convulsing as blood filled her right lung as the left one had collapsed. She got really cold as a pool of blood surrounded her, the ground seemingly started to soften as she lay upon it. She didn't think of anything really, nothing but half nonsense such as how she knew she missed a question on a recent test, how she forgot to do one of her chores, how she really enjoyed her lunch made of chicken and tomatoes with some ranch dressing.

The last thoughts she had were, That red paint is really pretty. Obviously that meant she wasn't thinking coherently at all as she was commenting on her own blood splatter pained the road.

Next thing she knew, she's having a really odd out of body experience. She was practically a ghost with absolutely no cares in the world whatsoever.

These fleshy beings scurried around like ants, but she had absolutely no cares. Seeing her family crying over her flesh body produced an uncaring shrug as she knew they would eventually ascend to a higher plain compared to being confined to a bag of flesh; so there was really no need to mourn.

She floated around, enjoying herself. She had no time constraints, had no need for money or food or other fleshly worries. She enjoyed natural beauty and anything else she had enjoyed when she had been confined to a physical body. She was proud to visit every single country she had ever wanted to visit, which consisted of most of the world, and she enjoyed relaxing without question as she no worries that plagued her mind.

Enjoying herself, doing absolutely nothing and without many coherent thoughts save for the most simple of emotions such as joy and happiness, which she achieved through visiting new places and 'learning' new stuff.

That was until she became listless and fatigued.

It started out slow, unnoticed, until she was too tired to try traveling to new places and seeing new things. It was also very odd, especially since she had been a ghostly being that nothing seemed to touch or change. However, eventually, she just seemed to stop completely, and her energetic being just seemed to pop… like a shiny little soap bubble.

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Chapter Two

When her ghostly just seemed to give out, popping much like a really shiny soap bubble, waking up was really odd.

She didn't actually wake up but kind of became coherent.

It was warm, there was a constant pulsating beat, and she was really comfortable. It was calming, just existing. She literally couldn't think any higher thoughts, her brain only computing varying impressions which currently consisted of warmth, content, and love. That was it for a long while.

She rarely awoke with any actual thoughts on her situation and even these little spurts of lucidity were rare and far between. However, they began happening more and more often as she seemed to grow bigger and her body seemed to develop further. It wasn't too difficult to just fall asleep, but there was definitely one point where she remembered panicking because she just knew she wasn't actually breathing.

Then she just fell back asleep not even a quarter of the way to working herself into a panic attack.

Whatever.

However, she woke up again and she really, really comfortable so she ignored all these instincts blaring in her small little brain that practically screamed at her to get the hell out of whatever cramped place she was sleeping. She basically just told her body to fuck off and she went right back to sleep. Annoying thing was, was that when she rolled over to get back to sleep, something got wrapped around her. It just made her want to glare, already in a slightly bad mood from the horrible wake-up call from her senses, but she just went right back to sleep.

She slept in this warm, comfortable place for a long while. She was calm and content; no higher thoughts, no worries, and no memories of much save for interesting snippets that floated around like dreams whenever she was coherent enough to actually think. She was perfectly fine with sleeping, especially since nothing seemed wrong with that one single bit.

It was some time later, when her comfortable resting place was getting a little too snug, that she suddenly felt a slight panic around her. It was as though she was no longer wanted in this warm place and was therefore rejected.

Now, the really uncomfortable bit was becoming squashed through a really weird tube, after being bumped awake by something on the outside of her really comfortable home. It was painful, since whatever tube she was being squeezed down didn't seem to understand that her skull didn't actually want to fit.

Next thing she knew, it was cold, she couldn't breathe as something was choking her, and these lights were driving into her eyes like fucking needles. She tried seeing what was going on but her eyes seemed to be working even worse than when she wore glasses. That thought barely made her pause since her little mind couldn't actually remember wearing any sort of glasses before the idea slipped from her thoughts like water through a sieve.

Whatever was wrapped around her neck was quickly unwound and removed before someone stuck their meaty fingers in her mouth to dislodge her unresponsive tongue.

Then, with a firm smack on her bottom, a smack with shocked her, she cried.

She screamed, she cried, and she even had a mild panic attack before she was wrapped like some sort of freakish pink burrito.

Sometime in the middle of her panic attack, she fell asleep.

Fucking weird. No other way to put it.

It's all panic, panic, pani… sleep.

She crashed and the next thing she awoke to is blurry vision, though she was somehow used to it as she had always needed glasses (though she couldn't quite remember what glasses actually were), and naked boobs right in front of her face.

She gaped in shock, couldn't really help herself because there were suddenly these tits just all of a sudden in front of her face. Then, she shut her mouth and absolutely refused to do anything but scrunch up her face in preparation to cry.

For some reason, though she couldn't actually remember why, there is just some sort of massive instinct going off in her head that screaming "NO! Do not put that it your mouth!"

At this point, she's already figured out that she must be some sort of baby because she was wearing what she could tell was a diaper and she was being rocked by a giantess. After her panic attack that she crashed in the middle from, she wakes up to see giants holding her and a room that could only hold giants.

Whatever, she's as cool as a cucumber (though she really can't seem to remember where these little thoughts keep coming from); ignoring the panic attack she had when she was first born. That is until someone undresses her and shoves what she suspects is a thermometer up her butt.

She was not a happy camper and she made damn sure that everyone else knew as well.

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Chapter Three

(Three Months Old)

She had to admit, being a baby kind of sucks.

No, let her rephrase that. Being a baby really, really sucks.

She has to wallow in her own filth unless she cried for help, she slept all the fucking time and barely finish any thoughts before she's sleeping again, she always felt hungry but she could only seem to eat a smidgen of food which all tastes crappy anyway, she could only see so far before everything gets blurry, and she couldn't understand a single word that her new parents said.

Whatever.

Though, she had to admit that her mom was awesome, or should she say Kaa-san.

Originally, she only knew a spattering of Japanese from watching anime she used to watch (especially as her memories seemed to organize quite quickly once she was actually born), but her kiddy brain just seemed to be a fucking sponge. A really, really dry sponge that can grow from the size of a dime and explode into the size of a watermelon.

She also finally learned her own name… Kazeshini. She had literally been named the Wind of Death because of the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, which was normally a death sentence for a newborn and because of the powerful winds and storms that had happened during her birth.

Over the next few months, Kazeshini learned everything she could. However it annoyed her that she still had to cry for her dirty nappy to be changed as Kazeshini refused to lay in her own filth for more than a minute. She wanted to scoff, no wonder no one could remember being a baby, it is mentally scarring.

Still, her Kaa-san is awesome. The woman had bright red hair that just totally draws the eye, and she's also the one who seems to wear the pants in her parent's relationship though that is only when in private. Other than that, it seems that everything is all patriarchal. All these guests that came to see Kazeshini as her cute drooling and pooping baby self, all deferred to Tou-san.

Still, he's nice when he's around but it isn't too often.

Kazeshini suspected it's because he has to fight or something because she has always seen him in this odd Japanese samurai armor/ninja outfit that's actually pretty cool to look at. However, if she was in the main room when her Tou-san got home, Kazeshini could sometimes see a little bit of blood splatter on his clothes and armor.

However, she was cool with that. She died and she could totally remember her last thoughts of thinking that her blood had been pretty, pretty paint.

Though, she was definitely not going to around cackling like the mad hatter while killing people. It also helped that Kazeshini heard that her Tou-san was one of the guards of the clan head, and that meant he was a protector and not any sort of gangster of mass-murderer.

~˜~˜~o0҉0o~˜~˜~

Growing up went by quickly since it seemed like she slept most of the day away. However, Kazeshini was bored of doing nothing all day but bash blocks on the tatami mats and gum on her white and black stuffed tiger while staring up at the circular mobile hanging above her head.

The first thing Kazeshini did when she could finally stand up, which was only within a few months as she had constantly been trying to become slightly independent and not totally dependent on her mother, was that she went to the bookshelves. These massive monstrosities of sturdy wood that towered over her small, chubby body were filled with scrolls and books. With fumbling fingers, Kazeshini gripped what was obviously a picture book in grabbing distance and dragged it over to her Kaa-san so that the woman would read to her daughter. This started the stage that Kazeshini would constantly nag at her parents to teach her to read.

Hiragana, katakana, and kanji were the three written languages that Kazeshini needed to learn; hiragana and katakana having thousands of symbols for different meanings and kanji consisting of only around a hundred that could be fit together to match spoken word.

Luckily, she had her stupidly elastic and sponge like child's brain and it went by faster and faster, especially since Kazeshini had the patience of a young adult compared to an actual child. Her reading was also drastically sped up when she found a kanji dictionary to help with the memorization of the three different written languages.

Also, despite any worries her parents might have expressed, Kazeshini refused to speak. She daren't speak since she didn't want to seem freakishly smart speaking words that she had not ever heard before and freak out her new parents so Kazeshini stayed silent. She was also afraid of being considered some sort of prodigy, especially since she was a fake and only smart by a baby's standard because of her previous memories of a twenty year old college student trying for a degree in art.

It didn't matter that she didn't speak since she followed her Kaa-san's commands quite easily as Kazeshini followed her Kaa-san around trying to help. Though, Kazeshini was pretty sure that she was just a nuisance. Kazeshini also explored her home as much as she could, getting into anything and everything but wasn't let outside without supervision.

As she grew taller, Kazeshini could reach the books and scrolls on slightly higher shelves in the library compared to just the books and scrolls off the ground floor, and that was where she learned that she was in the world of Naruto.

Kazeshini had just found a scroll on how exactly one should mediate for the beginning steps of chakra control.