It Would be in Your Best Interest NOT to Punch the Cat. [Edited]

"Uh, Hermione. Why is there a cat on your head?" Asked a green-eyed teenager after finally realizing what the strange lump on his friends head was.

"Because Crookshanks wanted to take a nap and I couldn't carry him around with my book bag since it's filled with books." She stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world, not even looking up from her book.

"Oh... But he's not sleeping though, he's just glaring at me." Harry countered while trying to avoid the cat's gaze.

"Well maybe you did something stupid!" She said as she glared at him briefly before turning back to her book with a huff.

"Yeah, maybe... When did you get him?" Harry asked.

"I bought him at the start of the summer! He was so adorable when I first saw him and I just had to take him home with me. You know he was in that store for years before we came along? For some reason nobody wanted him - I can't imagine why though. He went missing once a few days after we got him; Daddy said that he got his head stuck in the mail flap and ran away when he was freed, but he was obviously lying, and he still refuses to tell us what really happened. Luckily Crookshanks showed up the next morning when I went to get the paper, so maybe he just saw a mouse and was hungry."

Harry groaned as he scolded himself for walking right into that rant.

Meanwhile, Crookshanks was still staring at the newly introduced character.

Of course, Crookshanks wasn't actually angry with the boy; No, its just that - as her familiar - he is contractually obligated to analyze all of Hermione's friends to make sure they're safe for her to be around; and analyzing the boy did not make him happy, hence the glaring.

Clear signs of abuse littered his body like dried gum on a city street; so clear - in fact - that you'd have to blind, deaf and dumb not to see them. LITERALLY, there's a god-damned whip scar clearly visible on the left side of his neck. The kid's so thin that Crookshanks knew that he would be able to count ribs if he took his shirt off. Worst of all? The boy had the aura of an emo kid trying to avoid attention.

'How the hell has nobody done anything about this? Or - better yet - how had nobody noticed in the first place? Especially you Hermione, I expected better! How could you not...' Crookshanks looked confused as a memory crossed his mind. 'notice... this?'

Crookshanks tilted his head a bit and looked down at his "master". 'With the way you talk about him all the time, you obviously have a crush on the boy; and you are always dramatically describing his features to me in vivid detail, so why haven't you ever described this?'

Is it possible that she genuinely hasn't noticed? No, she's too observant for that. Then what was it? He couldn't remember her ever saying anything about this, and she would have no reason to keep quite about it when she talked everything else.

'Wait. That's not true.' Crookshanks thought as he recalled his first day with her. She had spent two hours talking about her adventures last year, and she had mentioned that Harry told her all about his abuse when she was petrified. Yet - despite knowing what happened - she still hasn't noticed the physical evidence? How does that even make sense?

'Shit.' He thought as realization crossed his mind. 'You're being potioned aren't you? Or confounded to ignore things like this. You were only able to remember what he told you because you were petrified when it happened, and that somehow countered the effects of whatever was influencing you.'

If that realization wasn't scary, then the implications of it were. 'I'm not just dealing with the normal "greater good" Dumbledore am I? I'm dealing with a full blown dark lord Dumbledore.'

Before the weight of that could set in for him, the compartment door slammed open.

"Harry mate, where did you go? You just up and disappeared yesterday and Mum was looking everywhere for you." A red head blurted out loudly as he sat down next to Hermione, not even acknowledging her presence.

"Erm... well, I was just..." Harry trailed off, obviously not wanting to talk about it. Unfortunately for him, Ron was an idiot and didn't notice.

"Just what?" He asked.

"Uh..." Harry looked around, clearly searching for a distraction, when his eyes landed on Crookshanks.

'Don't you dare.' The cat tried to convey through his meanest glare, but was sadly ignored.

'Sorry Crookshanks, it's for the greater good.' Harry silently apologized.

"Hermione! When did you get a cat!" Harry pretended to just notice the cat sitting on her head, somehow blending perfectly in with her hair despite being a shade redder.

"Wha-? I just told yo-" Hermione started confused.

"A cat! Hermione! How could you? You know I have a rat, that beast will kill Scabbers!" Ron fumed as he pointed at her accusingly.

"How could I? How dare you! Last time I checked cats are on the list of approved pets and rats aren't!" She retorted, whipping her head around to glare at him so fast that she nearly launched her passenger across the room.

"Oh here we go! Always with your obsession with rules! Do you not care at all for an innocent life! Scabbers hasn't done anything wrong and doesn't deserve to be eaten!" Ron retorted, his face starting to turn red.

As Hermione and Ron started their three hour long argument, Crookshanks climbed off his "Masters" head and began stalking his prey.

'Hello Peter.' Crookshanks said in a slow, menacing yowl as he stared at the rat hidden under a coat; an unnerving grin on his furry face.

The rat just retreated further into the coat - confusion evident on its face after hearing the strange noise that cat made.

'Yes, cower in fear at my power!' The cat commented in the best villain voice he could muster (which wasn't that good since he was a cat).

'You may believe that you're so clever, that your sooooo smart! But you're not! For I, a mere cat, have figured out your identity! (By being told it of course) That's right! I know who you are Peter Pettigrew! And I have come seeking righteous vengeance in the names of Lily and James Potter!' The cat began to once again slip into his lone warrior role that he had maintained for two months by accident.

'But alas, I cannot fight you at this moment! To clear the name of Sirius Black, and to allow the boy over there to avenge his bloodline, I shall stay my hand. But know this! If you attempt to attack the boy at all, I shall bring upon you the wrath of a thousand gods! And you shall know pai-'*Smack*

"Get away from him you filthy beast!" The red head yelled after punching Crookshanks, sending the small body flying into the wall opposite of him.

"RON!" "RONALD!" Both Harry and Hermione yelled at him at once after seeing him punch a cat. From their perspective the cat was just staring at Scabbers and making demonic mewling sounds - not doing anything harmful at all - only to get punched.

'Cheap shot coward! But it's not enough to take me down! Now, square up you little bitch! I'm gonna kick your ass so hard you'll fly through the floor of the train!' Crookshanks yowled angrily as he stood back up and prepared to pounce.

However, he was stopped by the thin arms picking him up. Harry started looking the cat over with worry in his eyes, looking for signs of injury.

'Well, it would seem you do care! I guess I can forgive you for using me as a distraction. You did only need one and that idiot was too dumb to rea-' Crookshanks started, pleasantly surprised by the concern the boy was showing.

"If you get hurt because I used you as a distraction Hermione will kill me." He muttered under his breath as he looked at Hermione, who was beating Ron over the head with her heaviest book as yelled at him, while he did nothing but cower and try to block his head.

'Oh.' Thought the cat, depressed. Now he recognized that look in his eye. It wasn't worry - it was fear for his own life. He had hoped for a moment that he had maybe made a friend. It depressed him a little, but he decided to shake the thought away. He had more pressing concerns.

"Hey, what are you doing?" Harry complained as Crookshanks suddenly jumped on his head, curling up into a ball and glaring at Ron.

'I need a better view of Ron so I can see if he tries anything funny, and Hermione is too close to properly observe him, so you'll have to do for now.' Crookshanks replied with a yowl as he continued to stare at Ron. Harry didn't protest anymore (he did, but Crookshanks ignored him) and just let him sit there.

At first Ron glared back challengingly, but after a few minutes he started to feel uncomfortable. After three hours he was starting to feel extremely uneasy as he occasionally looked up to find the cat still staring at him. After that it was a matter of keeping himself from running away under the cold, emotionless stare of the overly-stubborn feline. What was worse was when the cat started making mewling sounds that sounded slightly like demonic chanting. Was it trying to summon something?

Crookshanks meanwhile was just happily humming upon seeing look of unease in his enemy's eyes. He was just a cat right now and couldn't do a whole lot to humans directly, but he did learn that by staring unblinkingly at them for long periods of time he could make them feel EXTREMELY uncomfortable, and that was enough for him.

He would have continued to do this for hours longer (His stubbornness was tempered to the extreme by Mrs. Granger), but he was halted by the train's sudden stop and drop in temperature.

'Shit, the dementor! I was so caught up in the staring contest that I forgot!' Crookshanks immediately started freaking out. Looking to the corner of the room - where a man had been sleeping the entire time, but was so inconspicuous that the others in the compartment barely noticed him - Crookshanks wasted no time.

Leaping off Harry's head (eliciting a loud *Thud* as the head was sent into the wall, knocking Harry unconscious) Crookshanks landed on the strangers lap and started clawing at him, yowling as loud as he could.

'Wake the FUCK up you lazy ass mutt! The dementors are coming!' Crookshanks snapped.

"Crookshanks! What are you doing to him?" Hermione picked him up off the poor man (who was still asleep) and reprimanded him.

"You can't just jump on people out of the blue and expect them to play with you Crookshanks! If you were bored you could have just asked for a book, you didn't need to knock Harry out!" She said as she sat the cat down next to her and went through her book bag, looking for a book for him to read.

As she was talking Crookshanks wasn't paying any attention; instead he was focusing intently on the door, which was now covered in frost. Then - out of nowhere - the door slammed open once more, revealing a towering black figure.

The other passengers just froze in place as they stared at the creature. Ron's face draining of all color and Hermione staring at it with big eyes full of fear (Harry just rolled around a bit while unconscious, falling forward off the bench and face planting onto the floor). But Crookshanks just stared at the monster with a blank face.

'Huh, you are significantly less scary then I expected.' Crookshanks thought, absently comparing the floating black towel to Demon Thing.

'Compared to Demon Thing, you actually look like a kitten! I don't even feel like I'm about to get raped right now! What are you doing with your life? You're a disgrace to horror monsters everywhere!' Crookshanks yowled rudely, much to the bafflement of the others in the compartment, who were scared shitless.

The dementor didn't know what this small creature was saying, but it had a feeling that it was something rude. So - while it normally doesn't bother with anything other than humans - the dementor decided it would just kill the thing quickly and move onto its main dish, the unconscious boy in the back.

Moving forward to suck out the soul of the unintimidated creature in front of it, the dementor did not expect to have a book thrown through its head.

"You leave Crookshanks alone! You think that you can just come in here and start doing whatever you like? Well I've got news for you! Crookshanks is an angel and doesn't deserve any of your shit!" Hermione yelled, the fear in her eyes gone, replace by fury.

Confused, the dementor didn't know how to react. No human had ever shown it anger before - at least not such pure anger - normally it was a mix of fear and anger, not this.

Ron meanwhile just stared at Hermione with an incredulous expression.

Before either of the brainless creatures could figure out what had just happened, the floating sheet was banished from the room by a bright light.

Remus Lupin - who was now standing with his wand pointed at empty air - was confused. He had woken up seconds prior by the cold, only to see some random third year girl scolding a dementor!

"Hmph, serves him right! Crookshanks! Are you okay? Did the monster do anything to you?" Hermione asked as she picked up her cat and frantically looked him over.

'HA! As if some something as weak as that could do anything to me!' Crookshanks replied, slightly impressed that his "Master" was able to ignore the creatures aura of fear.

*Groan*

Slowly, Harry woke up from his five minute nap in a daze. Why was he on the floor? Looking around, his human eyes met those of a feline and a chill ran down his spine.

'Pathetic! To fall asleep from a little head trauma! You are not worthy of my master! At least not yet! But fear not, we will begin your training tomorrow at 4 a.m.! Don't worry, I'll wake you up!' Crookshanks mewled at him, not noticing that he had called Hermione master unsarcastically.

And with that, Crookshanks began planning out a training routine for his new student. He had been wanting to try out a few new exercises that he had come up with on a wizard in order to figure out how the magic system here worked, and Hermione refused to workout even when he woke her up at five in the morning by jumping on her head.

But now he had a test subject, and by god if he didn't make the little shit into the most powerful wizard of all time he would revoke his title as a teacher as well! (To bad he doesn't have that title.)