BAB 21

This part was hard to admit, but Pino nodded. "We jerked off together for years. Eventually, he let me kiss him while we did that, and that's when I thought that maybe my feelings were mutual. We were making out and jerking off, and eventually oral, and there had to be something behind it, you know?"

Zaki nodded even though Pino was pretty sure that he didn't see, couldn't possibly see.

"But there wasn't." Bitterness crept into his voice. He didn't want to share this next bit, but maybe he needed to, to remind himself why he couldn't ever go down this road again. "I got into my head by senior year that maybe he just needed a nudge. A little push."

"So what'd you do?" Zaki leaned back against the base of the couch, looking up at Pino with wary eyes.

Be afraid, man. Be very afraid. Pino let out a harsh noise. "I asked him to prom. In public. In front of our friends. And he laughed and said he was straight like everything between us was a big joke. And that was the end of everything between us. He never let himself be alone with me again."

"Fuck, that sucks." Zaki shook his head. "You probably shouldn't have gone the public route"

"You're seriously going to go with that?"

"I'm not saying he was right." Zaki voice was all defensive. "He was an ass to you. But maybe he didn't want to be gay"

"Dude." Pino had a feeling they weren't discussing Roger right then, but he was going to cut that argument right the hell off. "It's not a choice. There is no 'want to.' If dick turns your crank, if it makes you hard, if you beg someone for it for years, you are not straight. Pan, maybe. Bi, sure. Gay, possibly. But not straight."

Zaki bent forward like Pino had punched him, mumbling something Pino couldn't make out. Pino was too fired up to ask him to repeat himself.

"What he was, was a liar and not just to me. To himself. And sure, I probably shouldn't have sprung a public prom-posal on him, but he could have trusted me more. Told me he wasn't ready to come out or whatever."

"Maybe it was himself he couldn't trust," Zaki whispered, words cutting right through Pino's tension.

"Maybe," Pino allowed. "But he's married now, couple of kids, and I heard through a mutual friend that he's on some hookup app, looking for 'discreet straight' guys to jerk it with. Still hasn't changed."

"Some people can't." Zaki voice was a bit harsher now.

"Some people won't." Pino took a vicious bite of his now cool pizza.

"So he's why you don't kiss straight guys?" Zaki looked up at him, resignation in his eyes. And why that made Pino sad was something he refused to consider. "But you flirt with them."

"What can I say?" Pino gave a bitter laugh. "I like showing people what they're missing out on. But no, never doing a straight guy again." He tilted his head, giving Zaki a considering eye, wondering how hard to nudge here. "Closeted sure, I wouldn't like that, but I could cope for a short-term thing. And I've been with several bi or pan guys. But I'm not going to be a part of a lie someone tells themselves."

Zaki opened and closed his mouth several times, until Pino's breath caught and he leaned forward, put a hand on Zaki shoulder, trying to bolster him for saying whatever he needed to. Please stop lying to yourself. It's killing me to watch. A little cough and then.

"Fair enough." Zaki nodded like that was the end of that, and Pino guessed it was. "Want to play something after we finish eating?"

Hello, friend zone, my old pal, how I've missed you never.

"Sure." Pino shrugged, because really what else could he do? At least if they did a few raids together, he might feel less like tossing the pizza box and all Zaki overtures of friendship through the window.

"Come on out," Pino demanded, sweat dripping down his back. Stubborn, stubborn SEAL. "I can't help if you stay in there."

"Almost...there." Zaki gave a mighty heave and the stuck pantry door came flying at Pino. They'd been working in the kitchen since Zaki had woken Pino at the crack of dawn. At least he'd had the decency to start the coffee before he'd come rattling Pino's door. And if Pino had been in the middle of a distinctly unfriend-like dream about Zaki, well, that was his own damn business.

In the dream, they'd been kissing again, this time in Pino's bed, endless soft touches and deep kisses, and Pino still felt the tendrils of the dream licking at his senses hours later. An intractable hard-on wasn't the most conducive to cabinet painting. By having them paint the cabinets, the senior chief was doing a cost-saving rehab fix Pino was well familiar with thanks to his mother. The older man's relentlessly cheerful pregnant wife had dropped off all the supplies they needed earlier in the week. Hopefully by the end of the day, all the drab '70s oak would be glossy white. But removing the cabinet doors had proved tricky as they fought through decades of grime around the screws.

"Okay, now I'll start cleaning the frames in here and you can start the doors out on the deck. Then after the cleaning, we can prime." Zaki didn't even look at him as he gave the orders. The guy might be a rehab newbie, but he had decided opinions about letting Pino run the show. Indeed, he seemed incapable of not taking charge of things, whether it was cleaning up the pizza last night or building the bed or organizing the cabinet work today.

"I'm skinnier," Pino countered, because hey, his experience mattered. Not that he needed to prove his worth to Zaki or anyone else, but damn it, he was good at this. "I can get into the tight spots to do the frames easier, Muscles. And it's harder to screw up the cabinet faces it's a good first painting project."