In your honor

POV

Millie 

After paying, I change out of my work clothes and into my Coronado attire in the dressing room. 

I thank the woman I'm not entirely fond of before exiting the store and meeting a waiting X outside. He's currently on his phone sounding less than pleasant to whoever he's speaking to. I empathize with the unfortunate person on the other line. X has never yelled at me and I think if he would have I would've been frightened, his whole demeanor changes when he's pissed. Sure, when he's upset he's thrown some inappropriate hateful words my way but I know he doesn't actually mean them.

As he's still on the phone, he turns around looks my way, smirks at my new and not-so-improved out, and holds up his index finger to indicate he'll be a minute. 

Good, I'll need a minute anyway. This freaking guy is going to make me melt and become one with the concrete beneath my feet. He's made literally two changes to his appearance and I'm about ready to hump my way to him like an over-hormonal dog. He's got his new sunglasses on, which makes him look even less approachable and his new black hat is on backwards. 

Why is that so goddamn sexy?! 

I need to get my hormones in check ASAP. 

He gets off the phone, tucking it back into his pocket, "gawking are we?" 

Why does he always have to notice when I do that?  "Little conceited are we?" I ask instead of responding to his ridiculous question, wouldn't want that head of his to get any bigger than it already has. 

He chuckles and wraps an arm around the backside of my neck and asks, "Where to now?" 

I think about it for a minute and then suggest, "How about the boardwalk and then the beach?" 

"Yeah, it's your day baby, whatever you want to do." He says kissing the top of my head. 

I don't know why my mind into defensive mode. I want to push him away and tell him to stop saying that. It's not my day, it's not my day at all. It's not a day of celebration and fun, it's a day of mourning for me no matter how much time goes by. It's a day that shouldn't be fun for me. Today is the day that will forever be the day I took my mom's life and nothing more and nothing less. I feel beyond guilty for even smiling today but I know my mom would feel otherwise, I know she'd want the complete opposite for me today. The inner battle going through my brain is causing it to hurt. 

"Baby, stop it, I know what you're doing," X says immobilizing my face to make eye contact with him.

I look down feeling broken. 

"Look at me Millie, stop beating yourself up, instead of feeling guilty why don't we make today a day of honor for your mom," he says so sincerely. Why does he always just get me? And why haven't I ever thought of that before? 

A day of honor. 

I can do that, I can do that for her. 

…

We're looking out at the beautiful blue ocean, hands placed on the wood of the railing. The breeze coming off the ocean is flowing through my hair. I close my eyes and think about the last time I was on here with my mom. 

The way we stood in nearly the same spot, talking about how college was going, my fairly new relationship with Chase, my job at a coffee shop on campus, and everything under the sun. I wish I could have just one more conversation with her. X puts his hand over mine in an affectionate way, the warmth of his hand is so comforting and just what I need right now. 

We turn our backs, leaning up against the railing and people watch. There are people fishing, families with ice cream in hand, bicycles passing, and lovers snuggled up looking out at the ocean just as X and I were moments ago. Everyone looks so happy and relaxed, it's such a wholesome sight. 

"Should we head to the beach now?" I ask looking up to such a handsome X. 

He doesn't say anything just takes his hand on mine and leads us off of the boardwalk to the beach. Sometimes I wonder if I'm the first one he's ever held hands with in public. I'm sure I am and that makes me inwardly smile. 

We sit on the beach, X behind me while I snuggle into his warm comforting arms. Amongst us are way too many people, it's okay though, the more people around the less apparent the hole in my heart feels. 

I trace my finger over X's tattoo on his forearm, an eagle, it's becoming therapy to me. 

"Would you ever get one?" He asks into my hair and through my ear. 

"I don't know, maybe one day if it feels right," I say shrugging my shoulders slightly. 

"My first probably won't be my own name though, I say poking fun at him. 

He laughs, tilting his head back and I love it, it's a sound so rare I wish I could bottle it up for a rainy day. 

"I wouldn't recommend it," he says as his laugh trails off. 

"Where is it?" I ask curiously. 

"Babe, I covered that shit up years ago," he says wrapping me tighter in his arms. 

I look out at the surfers, some good and some terrible they're looking for a death wish. Some guy has caught my attention, he's so bad it's making me laugh and I feel awful for doing so because I would probably be laughed at too if I tried it. I admire him though, every dunk into the ocean and he pops back up and tries again as if he didn't just completely wipe out. 

"That guy fucking sucks," X says in a cool monotone way. Apparently, the poor surfer has now caught Mr. Judgmental's attention as well. 

"Yeah like you can do any better?" I ask rolling my eyes even though he can't see it. 

"I sure fuckin can, I'm pretty sure anyone is better than that guy," he says pointing at him. I shoot his hand down so fast before the poor guy can see. 

"Okay, so why don't you go out there then," I suggest with a touch of attitude. 

"Yeah, I'm not doing that…" he says halting the suggestion. 

"Mhm, I knew it," I say sarcastically. 

"Trust me, I can surf, I spent all of my teenage years surfing." He says confidently. 

"Sure…" I poke fun like I don't believe him but I do. This annoying man behind me can excel at anything, it's actually pretty unfair if you ask me. 

We watch the guy continue to fall and get back up over and over again until he finally gets the hang of it and although I don't know a single thing about him, I'm proud of him. X still had his comments of course because ya know, no one can ever be as good as him…cocky fucker. 

X pulls out his phone from his pocket, "it's already five o'clock, we should get some dinner and head back," he says stretching his arms above his head. 

"Yeah sounds good," I say even though it really doesn't sound good at all. At the beginning of the day I wanted it to be over the second it began. But now? Now, I really don't want it to end. Today has gone from nightmarish to heavenly experience and I couldn't be more grateful to X for that. Before we stand up I intertwine his fingers with mine and kiss them firmly to showcase my gratitude without actually having to say the words. Words are not enough for what he means to me.