Chapter 32: Death Puts On a Dunce Cap
Approximately 385,000 people are born a day, isn't it amazing that all those people will end up dying? You don't have to worry...yet...so set back grab so snacks and read the next chapter of 1000 Ways To Dieeeeee.
Date: March 14, 2015
Location: Seattle, WA
Despite living a comfortable American life in Seattle and being a US citizen, Kim remains an overprotective and racist traditional Korean father despite his wife and daughter Sook adopting and adjusting well to American culture. In many ways, Kim always scares away his daughter Sook's suitors.
One day, he plans to separate Sook from her Western-born Korean boyfriend Reed by inviting him for a traditional Korean dinner. After Reed eats live prawn and sea worms, he cried uncle when Kim requests for him to swallow a live baby octopus whole. Sook tries to tell her father to stop, but he shushes her. When Reed refused to eat the octopus, Kim eats his own, only for the baby octopus' suction cups to attach itself to Kim's trachea. Despite his wife's attempt to perform a Heimlich maneuver, Kim ultimately asphyxiates or chokes to death, giving him what he deserves for his stubborn attitude: a one-way trip to Hell where he belongs.
Needless to say, Kim should have ordered something less dangerous and swallowed his own pride instead of the octopus.
Way To Die #959: Tenta-Killed
Date: December 24, 2005
Location: Beaverton, Oregon
Lucy suffered from involuntary orgasms. She had a condition called Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder or "PGAD" for short. Getting 100 orgasms a day might sound great, but for Lucy, it was a living hell. She got rid of the things that triggered her orgasms, and scared off all the guys she met, except for Seth, a sick, perverted, sadistic, callous bastard who enjoyed pushing her "O" button and never knew (or never cared) when to stop. One instance is when he tickled her neck with a feather duster while she was frying eggs, making her orgasm and causing her to drop the eggs on the floor; Seth is unrepentant and calls Lucy "awesome" much to her annoyance. Another one of his shenanigans was secretly setting her cell phone on vibrate and calling it, making her have yet another unpleasant feeling. One day, he poked her with a vibrating muscle massager, hoping to get another reaction from her. Instead, he got what was coming to him. The massager sent Lucy into one of her spasms. Still, in the process, she accidentally smacked Seth across the face, causing him to fall down the stairs, breaking most of his bones, including his neck, spinal cord, and finally, his skull after it made contact to the floor below the steps. As Lucy recovers, she horrifically sees Seth dead on the floor.
Way To Die #268: Orspasm
Date: June 4, 2010
Location: Upper Peninsula, Michigan
Henry, a hunter in the Michigan wilderness dressed in an animal pelt, travels through the forest. How about we pretend your god for the day, how would you let him die?
First try: He falls into the spike pit he built earlier. However, that's not what happens. He almost falls into the trap, but he doesn't lose his footing.
Try again: He falls face first into an animal trap. But that's not what happens either. He falls inches away from the animal trap after tripping.
Let's give it one more...shot...literally. He gets shot by another hunter who mistakes him for an animal because he wear the fur of the animals that Henry hunted when he drinks some water from a river stream. The bullet enters Henry's neck and exits his hip, and he bleeds to death. This is why hunters wear orange vests and not animals fur as Henry does to don't end up like Henry.
Way To Die #61: Furdered
Date: November 21, 2003
Location: Tucson, AZ
At a soccer match, an annoyingly rude soccer-obsessed nuisance named Jose buys a vuvuzela and vigorously blows it, straining to blow harder with each successful sound. The pressure caused by blowing the horn nonstop causes a brain aneurysm. A short yet blowing hard death....
Way To Die #398: Feeling Horny
Date: 01-11-2012
Location: Monterey, CA
Cydra is an elderly, former supermodel and beauty queen who wants to regain her looks. Her gay best friend, Kyle, brings in his plastic surgeon boyfriend, Ravi, to help. Cydra was pleased with the results and wanted more, but botox was too expensive. She decides to use corn oil as a substitute for the expensive injections. After a trip to the supermarket, Cydra goes ahead and injects the oil into her face to keep her skin looking fresh and beautiful. Eventually, the oil makes her bleed out from her eyes and lips and causes cell death in her heart and lungs, and eventually, death to herself.
Way To Die #930: Injecti-Cide
Date: Someday in November 1998- November 2, 2008
Location: Harrisburg, VA
It's election day and the polls are closed. After being humiliated by widespread news of a sex scandal involving visits to South America to see his Brazilian mistress, Giselle, congressman Carson Harold III gets voted out of office and goes broke after his wife wins the divorce case and abandons him, leaving him high and dry. After taking in all that bad news, Carson goes into cardiac arrest and drops dead.
"Now, that's a bad day."
What killed him? You could argue it was his penis.
Carson should've gotten his vaccinations before he did his cheating. When Carson was on one of these trips ten years earlier, he was bitten by a triatominae also known as a Reduviid Bug or Kissing Bug. After numerous visits and numerous bites, he developed Chagas' disease, which in turn led to a fatal cardiac arrhythmia. Just after his ex-wife slapped him in the face and left, Carson developed the arrhythmia, and died of heart failure.
Way To Die #220: Bugged Out
Date: 07-27-2007
Location: Baltimore, Maryland
Homicidal crack addicts Darnell and Anita are a duo of wanted criminals due to a string of murders and robberies they committed to feed their addiction. In order to evade the law, they use one of the secluded rooms of an old abandoned building as their hideout and drug den, where they lived for five days.
One day, unknown to them, the building was scheduled for demolition. Darnell and Anita hide in a shadowy corner in silence when they hear the calls and footsteps of a construction worker making a final check to ensure no person was inside the building.
As soon as the construction worker finished his round, the two resume their celebration. However, the crews activate the dynamite, at which point the falling building crushes them to death, sending the homicidal crack addicts pair to the hell that those two deserved.
Way To Die #503: This death is CRACKed my dude!!
Date: July 17, 2012
Location: Mandaree, ND
Jarome, Joel, and Thim are a pair of 11 year old boys who are shooting the breeze by shooting jars, bottles, and even a stray cat they found. Eventually they run out of targets so Thom and Joel have Jerome go inside their house and get a target. Jerome goes inside to get a jar and sees an old jar of Spaghetti sauce and takes it out. Jerome puts the glass down on the gravel road and right as he turns around, the Spaghetti jar explodes sending shard of glass into Jerome's jugular and kills him.
Storing open tomato sauce or ketchup in a warm environment can invite fermentation, which can then cause for the container to explode. Hey Jerome, that Spaghetti sauce really bet your...glass.
Way To Die #480: Pain in the glass
Date: June 5, 1998
Location: Germany
Betty is a Heroin abusing murderer and a die hard nazi follower. She kills people to feed her addiction and prove that she can be the next Hitler, right now she is hiding from the cops on a hill. Eventually a cop sees he and the chase starts, like a parkour YouTube video. Betty almost loses him when she tripps on a rock and she tumbles down a hill and off a small cliff. She lived, but not untill the rock she tripped on landed on her head. The rock was about the size of a Xbox controller and went down the hill and off the cliff at 78 MPH. This smashed her skull and sent her right to hell.
"Auf Wiedersehen Betty, Wir sehen uns in der hölle...Arschloch.
Way To Die #195: Rocked and Rolled.