Chapter 31: Hurry Up and Die
When it comes dow to it, this book is your holy grail of uncanny humor. But do you ever ask yourself "What if I die like that?" Would you enjoy the way you go out or would you not, it is all up to you. But for now you are alive so sit back and enjoy the next chapter of 1000 Ways To Dieeeeee.
Date: September 9, 2013
Location: St. Louis, Missouri
Brian is a serial drunk driver who had been doing time in the slammer for vehicular manslaughter, but now he's out on parole and on another drunken rampage. He, like most convicted drunks when they get paroled, somehow got around having an Ignition Interlock Device installed in his car. After blowing a red light, he crashes his car and is mistakenly pronounced dead at the scene. When authorities find out he is an organ donor after finding his suspended driver's license, they bring him to the hospital to remove his organs while he is still alive. The frontal area of his brain which controls speech, were down. However the back of his brain which controls touch and balance and other vital areas lived. Brian was having his organs removed feeling every scrape, scratch, and touch, but couldn't yell or speak. He felt every cut and heard every word .The doctors never find out he is not dead yet and took out his heart, finally causing his death, which then they put the removed bones onto his corpse for him to be closed up. Brian used to drive around dead-drunk. Now he's just another... dead drunk.
Way To Die #957: Early Harvest
Date: August 14, 2008
Location: Newark, NJ
Nicky, a.k.a. "The Predicament", was a hard, loud, and obnoxious man. He liked to work on his 1985 Chevrolet Camaro, operating cooling fans next to his fake gold necklace, smoking next to exposed gas, and risking being crushed under his car. One day, he was working under his car, with ear-splitting loud music. His wife kept telling him to turn it down, but he wouldn't listen. This man had no concern for anyone else around him. He was screaming at his wife (like she could hear him). Nicky was about to learn first hand why they call it "death metal". When he accidentally rolled out from under his car on his dolly & landing right in the spinning wire bristles of a street sweeper. His music was playing so loud, he didn't hear the street sweeper coming. The bristles flayed Nicky & tore up his muscles & body, the bristles then shred Nicky to mulch, then he was sucked into the 3.5 cubic yard hopper. Coupled with the wheels that crushed his skull. Ultimately he died from exanguination, injury, blood loss, crushing, & pulverization. In the end, Nicky's blood and skinned arm and leg, and a strip of long intestine remained on the street, much to the horror of the woman. Nicky was one crude rude dude. It was high time that fate stepped in and gave him...the brush-off."
Way To Die #523: Jersey Gore
Date: October 3, 1996- November 1996
Location: Purvis, Mississippi
Cooter was an old redneck; he loved nothing more than booze, guns and welfare checks he regularly receives from the government. Before getting even more drunk, he had some work to do as the fall and winter seasons hit; he had to hit the wood-splitter to make some firewood, but he is so drunk, he breaks his arm by getting it caught in the machine. Rather than spend his welfare money on a real doctor, Cooter saw himself as a do-it-yourselfer, deciding to apply a homemade cast to himself, but he makes two mistakes: he didn't reset his broken bone the right way and he made the cast too tight. A month later, Cooter is ready to remove the cast and asks his daughter, Tammy, to help him operate the table saw to get the job done. When Cooter takes off the cast, fat globules of bone marrow leaked into his bloodstream and caused an embolism in his heart. Cooter was dead within seconds, leaving Tammy freaked out. The only thing to say about Cooter: he was a worthless, mean-spirited drunk. Y'all don't come back now, you hear?
Way To Die #132: Cast Offed
Date: June 9, 2008
Location: Parker Strip, AZ
This is the story of Jasmine and Janine. Jasmine is a bisexual real estate agent notorious for having sex with her clients. At that point, she meets and seduces Janine; she was wealthy and prospective customer and also, a lesbian. After a tour of the house, pool, and eventually the laundry room, they strip and have sex on top of the dryer. Jasmine and Janine's movements cause its improperly-connected fuel line to come loose and unhook, causing the room to fill with highly-flammable natural gas. Janine noticed the smell, but it was too late. When the water heater turns on, it ignites the gas and sets off an explosion that kills both women instantly. Real estate is a tricky business. One minute the prices are going down, and the next thing you know.. they're sky high
Way To Die #413: Les-boned
Date: June 16, 2005
Location: Rockford, IL
Two aspiring amateur wrestlers named Stink Face and Dirt Bomb with dreams of going pro assault each other with increasingly insane objects, including fluorescent light bulbs. During practice, one wrestler slashes his partner in the chest with a weed whacker. The first wrestler collapses and dies. Stink Face and Dirt Bomb did not realize it but fluorescent bulbs contain a mercury vapor. When Stink Face sucked the mercury in, the mercury caused his air sacs to turn black, along with his lungs and heart. The mercury also entered his blood stream through the open staple wounds on his chest. Stink Face and Dirt Bomb were talentless, clueless, and now one of them...is lifeless.
Way To Die #597: Tapped Out
Date: August 14, 2002
Location: Olathe, Kansas
Mel was a mean and nasty mailman. Not only did he deliver the mail, but he also read it. One night, he moonlighted as a dunk tank target at a local carnival. He was able to embarrass the people he delivered the mail to so much that they kept on missing the target. However, Mel picked the wrong dunk tank because this one came equipped with a fuse box to keep the water warm. Overtime, the balls repeatedly hit the fuse box for the tank's water heater, damaging the wiring until it made contact with the water, electrifying it (in other words, Mel was one dunk away from an electrifying death, though he didn't know it). Then, a new customer, Daniel Phan, took a turn (Mel only knew his name, but didn't know he spent two years playing baseball in Japan) and landed a perfect bulls-eye. Mel fell into the tank and was electrocuted to death, sending the mean and nasty mailman to hell where he belongs and as he deserves. Mel was a mean and nasty mailman. If he was able to read the last letter sent by the authors of 1000 Ways to Die, he'd be shocked. Dear Mel, YOU'RE DEAD!
Way To Die #285: Mail-Order-Fried
Date: September 17, 2002
Location: Provo, Utah
Cedric, a rock star (who looks like Keith Richards) and notorious drug addict, freaks out when he runs out of drugs and his band gets stranded in a dry town, until one of his roadies suggests that he try jenkem, which is when you get high off the fumes from fecal matter. When Cedric is no longer able to defecate, he finds a port-a-potty, sticks his head in, and gets high, but suffers from a brownout and loses consciousness. Because his head is still in the toilet, he asphyxiates from lack of oxygen and excess of methane gas to his hemoglobin. The moral of the story? never get high on your own supply.
Way To Die #330: Toilet Cleaned
_______________________________________________
Date: February 11, 1990
Location: Daytona Speedway, FL
Paramedic Mike Staley was chosen to be stationed at the Daytona Speedway to save the life of racers. After a racer loses control over his vehicle it crashes into Staley, sending him flying through the air with the car nearly running him over after hitting the ground. Paramedics had to fly him to a nearby hospital in hope that he wouldn't die from his injuries before he hits the hospital. Surgeons had to literally put him back together and who'd thought, Staley was still alive and serious injuries were prevented."For Staley it was the worst and luckiest day all at once"
Way To Live #221: Raced Out