First of all, I want to apologize first if I sounded too harsh. I like stories with Japanese settings like this because I myself like manga, anime, and J-drama. I can imagine their reactions and how they talked from how you write them. But there were many grammar mistakes. It wasn't that bad and readers could still figure out what you wanted to convey in the sentence. Major points to fix in my personal opinion are: One, I suggest using quotation marks instead of dashes and tidy up the dialogue. Which one is the words they're saying, which one is the action they're doing in between, who spoke it. It will be easier to distinguish them and put them properly in the paragraph using quotation marks. Two, pay more attention to the pronouns. For example, the author used 'he' when mentioning the MC from time to time. Check who are you referring to in that sentence and make sure you are using the correct pronouns. I'm sorry if I sound too lecture-ish, but I hope the author can improve your grammar and get more readers because the story itself is good. I use Grammarly to make sure my grammars are correct, so you can try using it too. Keep up the good work!
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Thank you, for reading, and your statements are completely understandable, because I am Brazilian and do not have much affinity with English and its grammar.
But I will do my best to improve.
