Chapter 100

"Ok girl. Thor. Dish."

We were finally having a girls night to catch up and wedding plan. Nat of course went to the sex part first.

"Nuh uh. Not till you dish about you and Clint. I need to see if I won my $10."

Nat actually blushed and I giggled. I knew Nat, and I knew I was gonna win.

"Well, we did get a little steamy. He chased me for a while and when I ducked into the training room, he caught me. I knocked him to the floor but let him roll and win on top of me. I admit I cheated and really got him thinking in the right direction when I wrapped my legs around his waist, my arms around his neck, and rocked my hips against him." She laughed. "The look on his face was priceless. Then he got this look I hadn't seen before, and he kissed me hard. We knew things were going on upstairs and no one was going to come looking for us. So, I asked to go to his room.

He picked me up and carried me. It got hot really quick once we got to his room. I will say he is a good size though. 6 maybe 7 inches. Decently thick. But damn the man knows how to use it. I pulled a page from Ari's book and sound proofed the room. Very glad I did."

I clapped my hands delighted. "Well for fuck's sake, it's about time. I've been watching you two eyeing each other since I got here. I think everyone knew but you two."

"Yeah, I really wished I had done that sooner. I could have worked out so many frustrated nights in a lot better way."

"I bet." I looked over at Wanda. "And what about you and Vision? Have you needed sound proofing too? With how he came about, I imagine that man knows every position and trick in the book."

Wanda turned red and covered her face for a moment. When she looked back up, she had that look in her eyes.

"Yes. Yes, he does."

"Wooo go Wanda! Bout time there too. You guys were just more open about your liking each other than Nat."

"Ok. We dished. Now you. Thor and now being three. Go."

I laughed. "Are you sure you want to know, Nat? You were already jealous of the first two."

"Damn, don't tell me he's big too?"

"Yep. Same length as Bucky but so damn thick. And he has a rough side which I love. And all three at once is nothing short of fucking amazing."

Nat sat with her mouth open. "All three long and thick. Fuck girl, you hit the jack pot. Does it feel weird to have two of them be brothers though?"

"Surprisingly no. I kinda thought it would when Loki asked to watch me with Thor, but they each didn't find it strange once we got into it. To keep it fair we rotate who goes in what hole."

"Damn." Wanda looked impressed. "Normally I would expect this question from Nat, but who do you like where the most?"

"Oooh good question Wanda!" Nat looked impressed.

"Well, if I'm honest, Bucky under me in my pussy, Thor in my ass, and Loki in my mouth. I'll tell you a secret, he's my favorite flavor. The other two are definitely tied for close second. But Loki has that addicting flavor, kinda like how chocolate is heaven to a chocoholic. I can't get enough of him."

Nat and Wanda were wide-eyed. I don't think they expected me to share that much. 

"I noticed you defer to Loki more than the other two. Granted I haven't seen you with Thor long. But you seem to go to Loki first for hugs and kisses most times."

I nodded. "I had noticed that myself. He's the one I turn to first for advice, assurance, and comfort. I love all my guys very much. But Loki was the first one I fell in love with. And he was my first bond. So that makes my love and bond stronger. It's like I told him before he asked me to marry him. To lose Bucky or Thor would devastate me. But to lose Loki… it would destroy me. It's why I ended up like I did. I thought I lost Loki and my world just ended. I couldn't face life without them."

Wanda looked at me considering. "Ari, can you tell us what happened? I don't think anyone knows why except the three of you."

"Four. Thor knows. He's the one that really healed me and put me back together." I took a deep breath. It still hurt to talk about. 

"How much detail do you want?"

"As much as you feel comfortable to give."

I nodded. "I'd asked to see Bucky's room and I was looking around and I had a stray thought that I would love to see him in only his leather jacket. I was looking at his books when they got my attention, and both were only wearing their leather coats. We had sex on several surfaces in the room, desk, wall, bed. When it was over, I'd remembered they promised me ice cream after I showed you guys my past. So, I teased them and now looking back, I can admit I went a little far, and they thought they had failed me in something. When I told them it was just ice cream, they got mad.

I realize now how it hurt them. Loki asked if I thought of them as playthings and just toying with their emotions and Bucky told me to leave. The words didn't bother me. They closed themselves off from me. They both walked away from me. I got up to leave and didn't put my clothes back on and neither would look at me or even said a word.

My deepest fear is that people always turn away from me, always leave me. I knew I'd lost them when they didn't stop me from going out naked. Loki is very jealous about that and who knew who was in the hallway.

I headed to the shower. I knew the water was really hot here. On my way I saw Loki's dagger half hidden under the bed. He had dropped it one night and never picked it back up. I grabbed it. I didn't have a plan, I just wanted to hold something that was his, that was such a part of him. I turned on straight hot water and just sat under it. I couldn't feel my skin burn, I was hurting too much inside.

I explained to Loki that when they left me, I was nothing again. I was tired of always being nothing, of always losing. I saw a life of pain ahead of me and I didn't think it was a life worth keeping or saving. I shielded myself tight as I didn't want you to pick up on what I was doing, Wanda. I knew Loki's dagger was sharp as shit so I cut down as deep as I could. I hit bone like I wanted. I did the same one the other wrist. I sat there a while and just watched my blood flow. Eventually I laid down and just waited for my pain to end since you guys don't have demons.

I heard what they were saying while I was in a coma, but I didn't believe it was anything other than guilt. I'd already been tossed aside, and I couldn't face any more. I'd shown them, shown all of you, my true past. And I had it thrown back in my face because they left me and took away the love they had given me.