Chapter 27: Kirst

Being sick is one thing and living through the sickness is another. I don't mind being sick because the only way I can get better is something that I don't ever want to hear about. Losing my life is what breaks my heart. I miss the parties and attention.

I should be mourning my health but I'm worrying about people, that has always been me. Worrying about what people will say, what they think of me and what they see when they look at me.

"World to mom." Lynn says, snapping her fingers in front of my face. I slowly move my eyes to her, leaving my thoughts realm. A slow smile creeps up my lips, something I have been working on, faking a smile.

I don't want anyone around me, especially my daughter to see the gravity of my sickness.

Lynn has insisted on going to the hospital and I have laid down some facts before her until she gave up.

"Mom, it's Christmas Eve. Can we do something together?" She says, batting her lashes. I think I've been doing things right, she seems not to see that I'm sick. It's what I wanted but it still breaks my heart.

"What do you want us to do cream pie?" I ask pulling myself into sitting position. This mere movement has my breath hitched, I'm afraid the fever has cooked my insides by now.

"Well, we can't go out, not when you are like this– I mean when you are sick." She says, to which I smile, not wanting her to feel bad. I know that is how she speaks, but I never thought I would one day be on the receiving end. "–So we can do something indoors." She continues, surprising me.

If it were a normal year, she would have disappeared from home yesterday and I would be expecting her to return tomorrow evening. It never used to bother me, because I would also be busy with my acquaintances.

I was also afraid I would suffocate her if I were strict. Something that would have certainly led her to look deep into certain spaces I wouldn't want her pocking around.

"That sounds like a plan." I say, smiling down at her. "Shall we start with chess." I suggest, my mood lightening.

She skips away we tiny sundress following her every movement. She returns a little while later with the chessboard in one hand and a tray of coffee mugs balanced expertly on another.

A humoured laugh tears out of my throat, surprising me. " You would make an impressive waitress honey." I say, teasing her. "Mom." She reprimands, stomping her feet after carefully laying her things down.

I have never had the conversation with her. I don't know what she plans to do with a life, education especially. She must be too comfortable to even think about that far into the future.

The evening passes slowly, atleast I didn't have to bear it alone. Some company seems to ward off some of the witches energy.

....

The sun streams through the slowly parting curtains, w welcome sight. The clouds have been hanging too low for my liking this past week. These first rays in weeks better come with some good news.

My phone dings, I reach for it and tap it awake.

Good morning mom. I'm off to the party.

I didn't want to wake you, I will see you tonight. Be safe for me

Xoxoxo

I gave her permission to go wherever she felt like last night. I hope she enjoys her day and doesn't think about me. I also hope that she won't come back with a hangover or any regrets. Empty pockets are ok, I can always refill them for her.

I was up all night so there was no waking me up, I was already awake.

I close my eyes, trying to sleep. The nightmares only assault me at night, so I have decided to avoid them by sleeping during the day. I ease myself under the covers and surrender to sleep.

"Mommy!!" A red head calls, running towards me, her arms opened, ready for a hug. I scoop her up and inhale her scent– apples. It's one that I have longed for, for very long.

I wake up from the dream feeling light. All the other dreams I have had which involve her were unbearable, this is a first.

I ease myself out of bed, being careful not to inflict more pain on my already aching back. It probably aches from all the lying down I have been up to for so long.

I punch in the pass cord, carefully take the cylinder in my hands and retakey position on the bed. My sister's voice has worked as some kind of a pain killer, though short lived, the relief is there.

I open it, and her voice fills my bedroom, urging me into relaxation as I pay attention.

" Living alone was not easy, but what I did not want was to accept another into my home. Another who would not be my husband or my miracle.

I fell in and out of trances but I lived through it. It was probably because I had abruptly stopped practising the craft for a long while.

The pain was unbearable, but I could not consult anyone about it. Not that they would know what was going on with me anyway."

We really are sisters, I observe, tears threatening to fall down my cheeks. I wonder how it is possible for two different people to fall into the same sickness and lose their loved ones as well. It happened differently but it happened to the both of us.

"I lived through the years, bearing the pain and energy draining trances. I didn't have the energy to heed the call to go back to practising. I had lost too much to even be bothered.

As time passed, the good days were overriding the bad."

'I should probably give this fever time.' I say to myself, with a cocky smile on. It probably won't go away entirely but atleast it will be better, that way I can share my life with it.

" After what felt like an eternity, I saw her. I saw my miracle."

My heart tightens at the sound of her voice, it's cracked. What is even more painfully is that I got in the way of her doing more than just seeing. I became the enemy and stopped them form living together.

"I had gone out grocery shopping when she passed right in front of me. My eyes could obviously not recognize her, but my heart did. My motherly instincts did. A seed of new hope was planted in me that day."

"And I dug it up before it even germinated." I scream. I'm just glad Lynn is out, if she were here I wouldn't have minded letting her hear me scream.

"I took the matter to the police even though I knew it was too old to earn any attention.i just did it because it seemed to be the only safe way. I was surprised when I opened the door to a detective. I was over the moon, because maybe, just maybe my old case had earned attention.

The happiness only lasted until I raised my eyes to see the detective's safe. I wanted to scream but I just told myself that it was probably one of my bad days, and i could be hallucinating."

My hand flies to my mouth and the tears I have been holding back pour out. She recognized me, with all the fakes I had on. I even went as far as changing my eye color but she still recognized me. I wonder how many mega pixels her photographic memory has to have her recognize me after so long, and that too under disguise.

" I got my confirmation that it was you when you passed me a wipe from your purse. The long sleeves of your blouse moved a bit out of the way when you stretched your hand revealing your ring finger vein. I decided to confront you about it on your next visit."

I slam my free hand to the bed and lay the cylinder down with the other. I lift my left hand to eye level and scrutinize it. The blue vein is there but it's almost faded, probably due to my never practising. I wonder how she was able to see such a pale color. But then again, her knowledge about what she was looking at must have illluminated it further.

I can't take anymore of what she has to say. I take the cylinder and put it away to safety. It will have to stay there until I recollect enough energy to stand the last episode of her life without breaking down.

My phone dings and I grab it to check the text.

Kev

Join us for dinner. The girl is said to be able to make it.

I just sit there, staring blankly at the screen.