My own monster

Colin

I open my eyes and I am in bed. I don't even know how I got here, but I feel the headache that comes with a hangover. I drank last night. What else did I do?

I try to think about all that has happened and his face springs to mind. Lowell, we shared a drink. He touched me. He touched me and I didn't feel anything that I should have.

Why can't I remember anything that happened after I left Lowell?

"You're awake,'' Colm mutters as he walks out of the bathroom in only a towel. I look at him and the way his body fits perfectly. Hos build, height, muscles. He is perfect, and I have been living under his shadow all my life. I hate that I have all these negative thoughts in my head when it comes to my twin brother, but they are there and I have been unable to get them out.

"What happened last night?"

He smiles. "I should ask you that. You were a mess last night. Dad had to carry you to bed,'' he laughs as he walks over to his bag and grabs some clothes out of it.

"What?''

"I was worried about you! You can't remember anything, can you?"

I shake my head.

"You kept drinking and crying. Everyone witnessed it and it was fucking hilarious,'' he laughs even though he shouldn't be laughing.

"What?" I repeat, my eyes open wide from the shock of his words.

Suddenly, everything that happened last night comes back to me.

LAST NIGHT.

"Hey, dance with me," I reach for my brother in an attempt to grab his hands in mine.

"Go away,'' he scowls as he takes his hands away from me.

"Come on twin bro, I know you want to,'' I shouted. Everyone is watching me. I turn around and I see Lowell. He is smirking. I am making a scene and I don't even care.

"Stop drinking and go to bed," Colm says, as he tries to grab the bottle from me.

"But this is fun, isn't it?" I look away from Lowell because his stare is doing something to me.

"Dance with me, bro."

He succeeds in taking the bottle from me, but I turn until Ashina is in my view. "Hey beautiful," I smile as I stop in front of her. There is a smile on her face.

"Hi," she answers.

My smile widens. "Do you want to dance?" I ask her.

She shrugs, the smile still on her face. "Will you remember this tomorrow?"

"Yes,'' I slur

She chuckles, but I watch as she stands up. "Everyone is watching, they think you have lost your mind,'' she informs me still smiling.

Come on, don't tell me you care about a little staring. Besides everyone has been watching you all day."

She laughs.

"You are fucking beautiful," I confess.

Her cheeks redden "Why thank you handsome,'' she takes a step closer to me and I want to touch her. I need to know if she is the one. Her hands reach for mine. "So how about that dance?"

I reach for her hand and just as I am about to grab them in mine, I feel a jolt of energy leave me before I fall to the ground and everything goes dark.

************

"Shit," I exclaim as I stand up from the bed.

Colm laughs.

He is enjoying this a little too much. Everyone saw me flirt with her. Everyone saw me make a fool of myself.

"Shit,'' I run my hands through my hair as I get up from the bed, "Dad is going to kill me.''

He nods "Yes he will."

The last thing I wanted to do was embarrass my parents, and that is exactly what I did. Why did I drink with Lowell? Why did I come back to dinner and drink again?

What the fuck is wrong with me?

The door opens and I see my dad as he walks in. Colm is fully dressed now.

"Hey dad,'' I manage even though his expression is stern right now. I am not a child. He knows it and I know it but last night I fucking acted like some stupid teenager.

"Can I talk to your brother?'' Dad looks at Colm and he nods immediately, leaving us alone in the room.

I sit back down on the bed and he watches me intently like he is trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

"What happened last night?''

I look up at him and his face is filled with concern. I don't want him to worry about me, especially since I don't even know what is wrong with me.

"Nothing,'' I reply automatically.

"You were drunk, you don't drink."

Beau Foxly is my father. He knows me and he knows when something is wrong. it has always been that way. As I was growing up, he would keep me close to him. I was always a shy kid. I didn't like crowds, I didn't like talking to people. He is the one that let me come out of my shell and I feel like I am crawling back into that shell.

"I don't know what came over me, I am sorry.''

"Something is bothering you. You know you can talk to me.''

I nod.

He smiles "Then talk to me.''

He is urging me and I really want to but I don't even know what to say. How do I tell him that I want to find my mate and it has been all I can think about. How can I tell him I feel so lonely, that I think I am unloveable?

Those words are not as easy as they should be. I have always been able to talk to my dads. Right now, it doesn't seem like I can't tell him these things.

"I get it. You feel pressure but you have to know that there is no pressure on you. I will never pressure you to do anything. You live your life for yourself. Find your happiness and claim it. No matter what it is.''

He is right.

Dad has never put pressure on me but it feels like I am putting all the pressure on my own.

I am my own monster.