Chapter 2

Here I am. Super early on a Saturday morning, with coffee and donuts outside the Black's red house. Why am I so nervous to see Jake? He's always been the best friend anyone could ask for. And Charlie's reaction this morning when I told him I was going to see Jacob only solidified my decision to go. Not that I wanted my Dad to half choke on his travel mug of coffee as he was leaving for the early shift at the station. His face splitting smile was more of what convinced me to go. But since this shift could still be considered the graveyard shift it was so damn early, I had to waste time before leaving for the reservation because sleep left me gasping for breath at around 4:00am and was never coming back to me.

Since I was trying harder to be myself, or to find my new self, I took a real shower. Not the robotic, "okay, I'm clean get out" ones of the past month, but a long, exfoliating, hot, steamy, shower. I lotioned from head to toe after and went back to using my minimal hair products that helped my natural waves to not be frizzy after blow drying them. I love my hair, it's easy to handle thank goodness and it's one of few things I like about myself, the color, the natural curl. The one non awkward feature I have. A touch of lip gloss, subtle eye shadow and mascara that Alice had gifted me (they were part of a huge make up set that Hollywood make up artists must own but I just pick out items I know how to use) and I'm done.

Aaaand it's still close to being obnoxiously early to knock on someone's door. I decide to put together a crock pot recipe and leave it to cook while I'm out and finally it was getting to a reasonable hour. For some reason I wanted to bring something with me even though I knew Jake nor Billy would expect it. I had found this really cozy cafe on the edge of Forks, it had a chill, hippie vibe with sweet down to earth staff and books for you to read while you're there. It's the kind of place that will make the top of a "Best hipster places to grab a latte" list on some popular website one day. Probably didn't need the americano I had ordered with the way my fingers nervously tapped the steering wheel all the way to La Push but the nerves would die down and I'd need my usual caffeinated pick me up.

Which brings me back to the moment, my hands full of goodies at the door of the quaint and calming house I've known all my life. I somehow knock with my elbow and shortly after the door opens to Billy, with first an expression of shock on his face, but that quickly turns to one of pure joy as he exclaims,

"Bella, stranger, it's so good to see you!"

"You too Billy, I'm sorry it's been so long." I can feel myself blushing as I reply and walk into the house.

"There's never a need to apologize to me. You're like family, we all have our...hard times and need to get through them in our own way. I'm just glad to see you." He tells me, instantly making me feel at ease that the elephant in the room was addressed and it wasn't awkward.

"Thanks Billy, it has been tough but I'm ready to start and try to be back to normal. I have some donuts and coffee." I say as I place them on their kitchen table.

"I'm glad to hear it. And if you're going to come bearing gifts, especially edible ones, I hope you plan to visit more often from now on!" He says with a chuckle.

I find my self smiling as I unpack the goodies and grab plates and napkins, and it feels good.

"If you'll have me then that's what I was hoping for." I tell him as I return his happiness with the best imitation I can muster, at least its genuine . "Is Jake home?" I ask.

But before Billy can even open his mouth to reply we both turn towards the hallway at the sound of someone sucking in a breath.

"B-bella?!" Jake's deep voice sounds in the kitchen and he's more shocked than his father was to see me.

"Hey Ja...ugh!" I'm cut off mid greeting by his enormous, warm bear hug. My arms instinctively go around his neck and we hold each other until my need for oxygen forces us apart.

"Jake. Need. Air." I rasp out.

"Shit, sorry Bells." Jake says as he quickly loosens his hold and places my feet back on the floor, but his hands stay on my forearms as he inspects me.

"I just can't believe it's really you, or are you a hologram?" He asks me, I think half serious.

And for the second time since I walked in the door I feel at ease, happy and laugh my reply to him.

"You caught me, isn't it crazy how life like these things are?" I finish with an awed expression and my head cocked to the side.

His throaty laugh makes me feel almost as good as his hug did. It felt like he was holding me together. There was no hole, no pain, no anxiety, it just felt...right. Being here with them both, I felt like a different person, it felt good. Okay time to move off this topic for now.

"Man I missed you Bells. And the snacks just make this even better! Definitely not complaining but what brings you to our humble abode today, is your truck acting up?" Jake asks me before stuffing an entire donut in his mouth.

I have to force my face not to show the cringe I feel inside, how crap of a friend am I that he thinks I only came to see him for a favor. This, this shit has to change, I'm better than making my friends and family feel unimportant.

"No no she's great. I just realized how long it's been since I saw you and thought I would see if you're free to hang out today." I tell him.

The smile on his face now does something to my insides that feels new and nice. It's no less dazzling than the first one but it's coy and boyish and...handsome.

"I'm always free to spend time with you. I do have a couple of cars to work on a bit though, I've been taking on more and more since our local mechanic has been sick." Jake says.

Of course my teenage best friend who takes care of his father on his own is also helping the reservation when someone isn't well. And here I am hoping his sunny, happy personality can start to piece me back together. If it wouldn't have looked as crazy as I feel I would've smacked myself for being selfish and not even checking in with him before barging into his life.

"I had no idea, I'm so sorry and for coming unannounced like this. Let me go and we can hang out another time." I rush the words out trying to leave as quickly as I can.

"No! Bells I mean it I always have time for you and I really have missed you. Please stay. It might be boring but just come to the garage with me for an hour or two then we can hang out for the rest of the day. Yes?" He asks me with puppy dog eyes and all the while still holding my hand from when he stopped me from turning towards the door.

"Okay, if you're sure." I give in easily. It doesn't hit me until much later, at home in my bed, that I probably succumbed to his assurance so quickly because I hadn't once thought of the Cullen's or felt like I was falling apart since the moment I laid eyes on Jake.

After eating our "healthy" breakfast and chatting over coffee Jake gets ready for the day and we head into the garage. We stay there a good two hours because I will not let him mess up his work schedule just because I'm visiting. The entire time is filled with conversation and laughter and I swear I healed a little bit that morning. It's not until Jake is finishing up his second car that I notice how tall he's gotten (and buff but I don't mention that part to him).

"What's in the water down here? You've grown like two feet since I saw you on my birthday." I say.

His responding laugh warms me immediately. "I don't know about two feet but I did have a growth spurt. I think I'm 6"2 now. Maybe you should drink our water sometime, help you out my height challenged friend." Jake finishes with a wink in my direction.

After trying my damnedest to ignore the resulting butterflies in my stomach I throw a rag his way and miss by a mile. Oh well, it's the thought that counts, right?

The rest of the day is simple and happy and just what I needed. Thankfully, looking at Jake's expression it seems like he feels the same. We even had fun at the grocery store, who knew that was possible? Billy told us that my Dad was coming up for dinner so we grabbed what we needed to go with the fish fry Charlie was bringing. My crock-pot special would have to wait for tomorrow. The Blacks aren't cheap or hard up for money but they're men and have empty cupboards and a sparse fridge. I fully intend on spending time on the reservation with Jacob so I grabbed what I would need to keep us all fed and not hangry. Jake's face lit up when I explained the full cart of food and other necessities.

That night the four of us started a tradition, once a week we would have a fish fry meal at the Blacks. It was a tradition we all needed and treasured.

Something else that started that day was me and Jake's unbreakable bond. We saw each other almost everyday and when we didn't see each other we were texting or talking on the phone. I got to know Jake's friends Embry and Quil, we even hung out the four of us quite a bit and I swear I've never laughed as hard as I do when those three go at it.

A lot of time was taken up with school work. Jacob is extremely intelligent and is graduating the same time as me thanks to his SAT scores and AP classes. He has "too much responsibility and hates sitting still" are his reasons for working his ass off extra for eighteen months so he could graduate early and work on making his garage a business. I've decided on a gap year. I've never been set on university and if I do go it has to be the right fit for me and since I don't know who the hell I am yet I'm not locking into a four year 100k per year school right now. I've been working on my writing a lot lately, it's sucking me in in the best way and I think I'm getting somewhere. I know becoming a published author is beyond tough but it's a goal I'm going to work towards.

On the not so happy side, these past couple of months haven't erased my pain or self doubt completely. There's still nightmares, they're not as intense, I don't scream anymore and I can usually go back to sleep, but they're still present daily. And I see how Jacob looks at me, how he always finds a reason to touch me or brush against me. I can tell when he's being flirty and trying to express that he wants to be more than friends even though he would never push or rush me. Even though I can't deny the butterflies he gives me just by walking into a room let alone when he's actually trying to make them appear. Or how subconsciously I flirt back (probably in the lamest way) without even meaning to. I know that I've started on a path to find myself, someone stronger, someone I like, because of Jake and how positive he is and how he pushes onto me the way he sees me therefore forcing me to give myself a chance.

But I just can't be enough for him. No matter how hard I've been trying, with me, my friendships and my family, my heart is still broken. I still feel unworthy of someone's love especially a love like Jacob would give. He's so pure, bright and beautiful I can't let him down. Not more than I already am by ignoring his advances of our relationship.

I still have break downs over the Cullens over Edward. I still miss them and wish Alice would at least reactivate her email address and say something, anything to me. Jake deserves someone's full attention, not half. He shouldn't share his lover with anyone else. Especially not a vampire family that doesn't give a shit.