Chapter 1

Notes:

Why hello there ;-)

I have loved and will always love Robert for the awkward person and spectacular actor he is in real life. Because of these feelings I just told myself "you're Team Edward" and read all the books right after I saw the first Twilight movie in theaters and fell in love with the series. In saying that, New Moon was always my favorite book so to no real surprise, after reading New Moon for the second time I switched to Team Jacob and never looked back. I love him, the wolf pack, the Quileute history and of course La Push.

I hate how weak Bella was portrayed after Edward left, she loves her Mom and Dad and I feel she would've pulled herself out of her zombie state at least somewhat. I think she would've worked more on herself as Bella, trying to find herself, and still would've held onto her dramatic tendencies when it comes to love. She's human so there was definitely nightmares still and self esteem issues but hey wouldn't we all have those if we got dumped in the woods? This is more of life without the Cullen's, semi-normal but still magical. Work with me and use your imagination for certain OC moments and timelines I may have.

I really love to hear from you so review even to say hi! Here goes nothin *covers eyes emoji*

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They say time heals all wounds. And I say that's crap. It can dull the ache, it can make it easier to switch your thoughts off the pain, but it doesn't heal. Especially when time moves in slow motion. This past month, the first month since Edward left me lost in the woods, has felt like life is almost paused it has gone by so slowly.

I can only recall moments from them first couple of days after Sam found me. I remember sitting in my room looking out of my window, in shock that the Earth was still moving, the days still coming and going after a landmine had imploded my happiness in a matter of minutes.

Those couple of days sitting there, trying to work out the kinks from my body, get rid of the cold that felt as if it sat in my bones from the hard, unforgiving forest floor, were my lowest points, ever. I'm still cold, I don't think I'll ever feel right in my skin again in that regard but as soon as I could clear my head at all and once everything, except the gaping hole where my heart used to be, stopped hurting I forced myself out of that freaking chair.

Most of my foggy memories from the past month are of Charlie. For the first time in my life I started to feel like I found my place, and I know that wasn't Edward's doing, it's was Charlie's. We weren't overly affectionate and we weren't glued at the hip but we loved each other in our own way that suited us both just fine. I loved being with the Cullens of course I did, but I knew I didn't fit in. They welcomed me and I always had fun and never felt uncomfortable but I'm not that crazy to know as a human my place wasn't with them all the time. That's one of the reasons I wanted to be changed, to fit in place with them and their life. But my human life, my right now was with my Dad. My hard working, caring, tried his best, Dad. So I began trying for him.

The first few weeks that I attempted "normal" life again was Hell, that much I remember. I was a robot on autopilot. Try to sleep, fail miserably and wake-up my stressed father, lie awake until almost sunrise then shower and make breakfast, try to eat as much as possible to make Charlie feel better, go to school, speak when spoken to, go home, do homework, housework, make dinner, rinse and repeat. My grades were the only aspect of my life that was excelling since I wanted to keep busy ALL the time I finished every assignment as it was given to me. I felt slightly more human after those initial couple of weeks but I was nowhere near okay.

At the end of the first (and, spoiler alert, last) month of Robot Bella, I got the reality check I needed. I went upstairs to get something from my room and heard Charlie on the phone to Renee. His bedroom door wasn't shut all the way so even from the top of the stairs I could hear him clearly. I would usually never invade someone's privacy but his tone stopped me dead in my tracks and I couldn't have moved if I tried. Charlie was on the brink of tears, his voice cracking as he spoke. I didn't think I had a heart left to break at that point but hearing my tough, Police Chief father breaking down because of me, I felt my heart break some more. He was telling my mom how worried he was, that he didn't care if I was up and out of the house he knew I wasn't okay and I had to be okay, it was all he ever needed. He didn't want me to go to her and didn't think it would help anyway. I don't think he was looking for advice I think he needed to fall apart somewhat after being so strong for me for weeks.

That night when I went to bed I forced myself to think back on the past month, no matter how much it made the hole in my chest burn. I thought about him leaving me, about not seeing or hearing from any of the Cullens since that fateful night of my birthday, how empty life feels without them. But I also thought about happy and relieved Charlie was when Sam brought me to him, I remember his voice and how hard he held onto me. My Dad cherished me, my life, my well-being and my happiness. My mom no matter how scatterbrained she is, is a loving and wonderful person whom I'm lucky to have. My friends, who have only known me a year, are good people who have been and still are checking in on me and are working their asses off to include me everyday at school. And of course there's Jake. I remember hearing him that same night this all started in the woods and then downstairs talking to Charlie in the days to follow. He calls the house and texts me almost everyday (I haven't been ready to see him yet, even if I can't figure out exactly why). And I always respond, just the sight of his name on my phone lessens the pain even just for a moment.

I lost a lot, a family, friends, a life and a...love, a great, all consuming love. I won't be the same ever again but who is after a break up? I don't know if I'll ever love again but I'm still beyond lucky to have everything and everyone in my life.

I decided right then that I had to try harder and do better if for nothing else than for Charlie. Hopefully, I can do this for myself one day but starting in the right direction is enough for now.

And that direction is towards La Push.