Nose Bleed

"Why-why doesn't he come home," sobbing before Grandfather, Mother, muffled her cries with her hand as she bent over in sorrow as her maidservant tried to comfort her.

"Why doesn't he see that he has a son and daughter that need him?"

Peering through the cracks of the open door, I watched as Grandfather let out a sigh as he pinched the area between his brows. "That son of mine, I can't seem to understand what he's thinking nowadays…"

Why is Mother so sad? Is it because Father hasn't been visiting her as of late?

But hasn't he always been busy?

"Xiao Hua." A hand suddenly placed itself on my shoulder.

"Eldest Brother," standing behind me, Eldest Brother smiled faintly before hearing the sobs from inside.

"Xiao Hua, why don't we go somewhere else," guiding me away from the door, I couldn't help but look back at the closed doors. "Grandfather and Mother must be busy.

We shouldn't disturb them."

"Eldest Brother, why is Mother crying like that?" It was strange to see the usually calm and serene noble lady suddenly break down in tears into a sobbing woman.

"Aiyah," taking hold of my hand, Eldest Brother sighed as we walked along the winding garden path. The quiet tussle of leaves and the faint fragrance of the lilies growing in the pond made for a calm scene. However, even if the view was beautiful, I couldn't forget the tragic scene of my mother crying.

"It's complicated, Xiao Hua.

You'll understand when you're older and in love."

"Is it about Father?

I know that he hasn't been coming home that often, but he must be busy with court business.

I've heard that the emperor placed Father in charge of the flooding in the South."

"Hah, who knows, Xiao Hua," Eldest Brother sighed with a sad smile. "If even Grandfather doesn't know what Father is doing, not even this brother would know.

Father has always been strict at keeping personal business separated from official business."

"Em," nodding, I admired the little buds of flowers that were starting to unravel. "Anyway, when are you planning on leaving."

"Heh, are you trying to push this brother away so soon?"

"No," shaking my head, I gripped onto his hand tighter. "I'm just worried about Mother. I don't know how she'll act once you leave for the Yang Liu Sect admissions.

You know I've heard that it's a three-day ride to get there.

How are you planning on coming home often whenever Mother and I miss you?"

"Heh, well you could always send me letters," rubbing the top of my head, I couldn't help but want to swat his big hands away. He always made my hair so messy afterward.

Nanny Lin says that a noble lady must keep a pristine image, not a single crease or hair out of place.

"Stop, Eldest Brother; Nanny will scold me if my hair is ruined again."

"Haha, alright, alright. I'll spare Xiao Hua for today."

"Hmph, are you saying that you'll do more tomorrow?"

"Hehe, who knows," Eldest Brother laughed as he took out his fan. "The future is always unpredictable.

You never know~."

Goodness, why does Eldest Brother feel the need to bully me?

---

"Madam! How could you leave us?!"

"Madam! Come back!"

"Madam, what will become of this household without you?!"

"Madam, what about the young master and young miss?!"

Weeping beside me, servants dressed in white cried before a large brown coffin sat at the head of the white hall.

This all felt like a dream.

I swore I just saw Mother fine just before I left… how is it possible that she had left so soon?

"Young Miss," a small nudge turned my attention away from the coffin, as I saw the sobbing face of Su mama, Mother's head maid. "You should be crying…

Why aren't you crying?"

"I-" I don't know.

The tears won't seem to fall.

I don't seem to feel anything.

How strange.

That's my birth mother lying cold in that box, and yet I couldn't muster up a few drops of water to mourn for her loss?

"Young Miss, you have to cry…

You have to cry for your mother's sake!"

The wailing seemed to grow louder. Like the roar of an angry ocean as the wails and calls of those around me screamed:

'Cry! Why won't you cry!

That's your mother who died!

Why won't you cry!'

Straining my eyes, I tried to force a few droplets of water out of my eyes, yet they remain dry. Pinching my hand, my hand pricked in pain as my nails pierced through my flesh, leaving bloody crescent behind. However, even as my hand bled, my eyes did not sting.

It was as if I had forgotten how to cry.

How could this be?

Could it be that I had already expected this outcome?

Accepted it even?

But if that was the case, then what was the point of me bruising my knees before the family altar, praying that Mother would make it through the winter?

My numerous trips up the Guanyin Temple, praying and reciting mantras that Mother would walk again and cook me food once more?

The countless hours that I would pray before mother's Guanyin statue that Father would come home and say just for once 'I love you?'

For months, I can barely recount how many times my eyes had run dry on tears as I knelt before someone, hoping and praying that something would change.

My throat grew tight as I felt a sob desperately try to escape, yet it remained trapped as not a single tear came from my eyes.

"...I'm sorry…"

I'm sorry, Mother.

Kneeling before my dead mother, I bowed as my head touched the floor as I knelt before the incense altar.

This daughter is unfilial and can't even give a show of sorrow.

Please forgive this daughter, for I've run out of tears for me to cry…

Sitting up from my bow, I took in a shaky deep breath before letting it all out. Like magic, the tightness in my throat and chest disappeared, replaced with a calm emptiness.

"I'm sorry, Mother.

Please forgive this unfilial daughter."

Bowing once more, I stood up and walked out of the mourning hall, much to the protest of the servants.

Forgive me, Mother.

I'm tired.

---

"Em…"

Shining into my eyes, I squinted my eyes as morning sunlight shone into the shallow cave, hitting them and causing some tears to prick my eyes. Wiping them away, I moved my hand to block the light, my back screamed in soreness at the movement.

Hmm, it seems like there are some toxins still left with my body.

Checking my meridians and dantian, I saw they were fair; however, some fragments of poison remained.

No matter, it'll naturally dispel itself later.

"Hmm," noticing the numbness on my shoulder, a head of golden brown hair laid there as the strands fell randomly in tendrils.

It's strange seeing Junior Sister without her hair up.

I suppose I should make her a new ribbon seeing as she lost her old one from yesterday's events.

Gingerly freeing my arm from Zhu Na Ran's tight embrace, I gently lay her head on the ground. As I stood up, my legs began to tingle from the sudden movement. Walking over to the burnt-out fire, I picked up my dried clothes before draping them over my sore body.

"Herm," looking back, I see my junior sister mumble some nonsensical words before rolling over, drool dripping out of the corners of her mouth.

Honestly.

Crouching beside her body, I couldn't help but reach out and brush the stray hairs away from her face while wiping her drool away with a handkerchief. This girl can seemingly sleep through anything.

Looking around, I noticed that my sword was nowhere in sight as an apparent emptiness came over me.

I must've lost it during our battle with the rapids.

Covering Zhu Na Ran with a cloak; I headed out into the jungle.

Hopefully, I'll be back before that silly girl goes and runs off blind like a headless chicken.

---

Arriving at the roaring river, I watched the white rapids splashed violently over the rocks before disappearing into foam and flakes of water.

However, despite the violent appearance, the quiet roar of the water was soothing.

Taking a deep breath, I shut my eyes as I tried to concentrate on pinpointing my sword's location.

Holding out my hands, I waited for some time, trying to find that spark of cold energy that always seemed to radiate from it mixed in with a hint of Zhu Na Ran's warmth.

Suddenly the familiar cold sensation traveled through my hand as I gripped the hilt of my sword. Opening my eyes, I saw the blade as its usual pristine condition, sealed with its sheath intact.

Luckily, it appeared unharmed from the rapids and the fall.

Making my way back to the cave, I noticed that the cloak that I gave Zhu Na Ran, pushed off to the side, and her clothes were missing from the drying rack.

This girl, she better not have gone off and caused trouble.

Not even needing to use the Ling Shou jade, I already instinctively knew how to track my junior sister.

Following her patterns of light footprints and broken branches, I found myself at a small waterfall, hidden by the lush leaves and vines.

"The trail ends here; where could she have gone?"

"Fuah!"

Suddenly splashing out from the water's surface, Zhu Na Ran raked her hands through her wet hair as the water droplets dripped down her body as the golden light illuminated her image.

As if noticing my stare, Zhu Na Ran looked at me with a grin before it instantly dropped.

"Senior Sister, you're bleeding!"