12.5.4

Subaru's emotions rocked back and forth in a way that made him feel drunk.

He didn't know what had happened. His consciousness had given out, and after that, his awakening was sudden.

It resembled the confusion linked to the sudden shift between times present and past when Return by Death activated. His brain was in chaos when suddenly dealing with the difference between the world from the moment prior and the world that instantly appeared at that moment.

When he realized it was a confusion that he was already familiar with, recovery was an easy feat.

Taking a long, deep breath, he first told his racing thoughts and beating heart to calm down. —But he did not feel the mouth, the throat, or the lungs necessary to take that deep breath.

"—?"

With a hand, he tried to confirm that the parts he couldn't feel were actually there. He could not touch them. The reason was simple: He couldn't feel his hand, either. —No, it wasn't just his hand. His head, his body—that moment—they did not exist for Subaru.

—All he had was his consciousness; he existed as consciousness alone.

Subaru's consciousness was alone in the sky, an existence that retained only his vision from his commanding view of the world.

The unnatural lack of his flesh and blood generated a new kind of confusion. However, by thinking of the nonexistent organs and remembering the concept of a deep breath, he instilled an imitation of calm into his heart.

Brushing aside his bewilderment and his sense of intoxication, he earnestly strove to grasp the present circumstance. —Beneath those thoughts, Subaru sought to ascertain where he was and what he was doing.

"—aru."

Abruptly, there was a voice. It was a broken, small voice.

It was such a frail voice that it was difficult to hear just what it had said.

And yet, Subaru instinctively knew.

—This was a voice to which he must not listen, must not notice: a voice he must ignore.

However, that was not possible.

Without a body, Subaru was not permitted to turn his head aside or even to close his eyes.

He was permitted nothing, save to watch the scene from so very close, to burn it into his consciousness.

He was a fool. He should have welcomed the confusion. That intoxication was the mercy of God himself—

"Liar…liar, liarliarliarliarliarliar…!"

As the word repeated itself, he heard clearly what he initially could not; the voice became more apparently tearful.

It was a painful sight. He could hear the unendurable misery in the voice. Among the sufferings of that world, to lend his eyes to this, for his ears to hear this, that was what he had feared most.

Why was he here? Why did he notice that he was there?

He'd failed. He'd miscalculated. He'd made a mistake. His judgment had been faulty. He should not have noticed. It was not for him to know. It was not something he ought to have learned. After all—

—If only I hadn't thought there's no way that could happen.

"Liar, liar! Subaru…you liar! You liar—!!"

Tears poured out of her purple eyes like a faucet, Emilia crumpling as she yelled in a shrill voice.

She shouted as if accusing him of betrayal, as if a nightmare had appeared before her very eyes, her long hair swaying about like that of a child. Emilia cried and shouted as if she had gone mad.

On the bed, lying beside Rem, was Subaru, dead from running a short blade through his own throat.