12.5.5
—What the hell am I seeing right now?
"_______"
Crying and crying, Emilia continued calling out Subaru's name over and over.
Her laments were futile, for Subaru, blood-ridden and lying stomach down on the bed, did not even twitch.
Of course not. That Subaru was already nothing save a corpse.
The dead Subaru had become a ghost, looking down upon the Subaru that was no longer anything but an empty shell. It was immeasurably repulsive. Never had he known a more terrifying scene.
Even Subaru, whose deaths had already exceeded ten, never once had such a commanding view of his own death.
He was experiencing something as never before: Emilia grieving over him.
"_______"
He gazed upon the furniture of the room, the various people assembled in that place, and at the sight of him pathetically dead and the cause of that death.
Urgently tying those things together, comprehension struck Subaru like a lightning bolt as to exactly when this scene must have taken place.
It was after Petelgeuse Romanée-Conti, the Archbishop of the Deadly Sins, had been dispatched and Emilia saved from the Cult. This was the outcome of Subaru's quick-tempered action when he first learned that Rem was lost to him.
After riding to the capital, only to learn that all memory of Rem, attacked by the Witch Cult, had been lost from the world, Subaru impulsively thrust a knife into his own throat, wanting with all his heart to bring Rem back.
—Subaru's rash wish was not granted. He tasted despair when he went back in time to a few scant seconds prior.
The starting point for Return by Death had changed, which meant Subaru lost his means of saving Rem. Vowing not to give up on Rem even so, he swore in his heart to cheer Emilia on. But—
"I didn't know… I've never seen this before. I didn't know… There's no way I could have known!"
It was a scene he had never beheld. After all, in that world, Subaru was already dead.
Even with the power of Return by Death granted to him, he could knew nothing of what took place in a world after he had died. —No, he thought; that wasn't true.
To Subaru, who went back to do things over at the cost of his life, repainting the most awful of conclusions, a world where he had died represented nothing except a midway point on his journey toward the future that was his final destination.
After all, if he didn't think that way, if he didn't see it that way, Subaru would…
—Subaru Natsuki's world would shatter.
"Stop it. Stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopitpleasestopit…!"
Unable to accept the scene playing out before his eyes, Subaru sent up an incoherent scream.
However, his voice did not project from his throatless form, and he could not turn his eyeless face away, nor block out sound from his earless head. The end of that world was being inscribed into Subaru, now nothing save a consciousness.
—This was punishment for the rash act Subaru had committed.
"Lady Emilia! This is—"
As he listened to Emilia's voice cry and shout, someone rushed into the room with a sharp voice.
He had white hair and wore a black butler's outfit. This was the Crusch manor in the royal capital. Wilhelm the "Sword Devil," who very much belonged there, took in the tragic scene, his eyes widening in horror.
For his part, the consciousness-only Subaru was almost beside himself at the sight of the aged swordsman in shock. That was how much Wilhelm was thrown off balance by Subaru's corpse lying before him.
"Subaru… Subaruuu…you liar… You said we'd be together…"
"What has happ— No, Lady Emilia, forgive me!"
Emilia blamed him for his betrayal like she was casting a curse. Her sobbing voice pulling Wilhelm back to his senses, he gently peeled Emilia away as she clung to Subaru's body. Emilia proceeded to wobble and fall onto the floor. But Wilhelm was more concerned with resuscitating Subaru than with her.
"Ferris! Felix! Come quickly! It is urgent! Utmost urgency!!"
Quickly stripping his jacket off and pressing it to the wound, Wilhelm forcefully shouted with a grave look on his face. Slamming Subaru's chest in an attempt to coax his still heart to beat again, droplets of blood smeared his terrible visage.
Too much blood had coursed out. A man who had seen as much death as the Sword Devil surely knew Subaru's soul was no longer present. Even so, his efforts to resuscitate Subaru did not relent.
"Old Man Wil, why're you raising your voice like… Eh?"
"Felix, hurry! A blade has pierced his throat! Not a second to lose!"
When Ferris appeared, Wilhelm instantly conveyed the facts in a sharp voice. Ferris enshrouded his palm with a blue luminance, and this great quantity of mana became healing power that he poured into the prone Subaru's wound.
As he attempted treatment, desperate concentration gripped Ferris like never before. Subaru's consciousness lamented as he looked down, watching them attempt to resuscitate an empty, soulless shell.
"Just stop already… It's no use. It's just no use. He's already dead…"
The result was already obvious. Subaru had died there.
No matter how desperately they might try, no matter how much Emilia might cry, Subaru was dead.
Thinking nothing of what would happen after his death, forgetting everything else, he'd selfishly died.
"You will not perish! Absolutely not… As if I could let he who aided me die like this?!"
"How could you, at a time like this…? Stop messing around, just stop it…!!"
Wilhelm shouted as he compulsively applied pressure on the wound; Ferris's voice trembled with anger as he employed the kindest magic in the world.
The scene and the waves of emotion from both of them continued to crash against Subaru's heart.
But no matter how earnestly the pair might strive—
"Felix! Why?! Why have you stopped the treatment! At this rate, he'll…"
"It's over, Old Man Wil. —There's nothing of the soul left here."
As Wilhelm drew close, Ferris shook his head, gently wiping with a handkerchief the wound that the jacket had plugged. The scar had been sealed so neatly that, as he wiped it, there was no sign of there ever having been a wound at all.
But a great quantity of blood had flowed out, and the soul that had slipped out was nowhere to be found.
"Why…why?!! Why, Sir Subaru…how could you do this so easily…!"
Looking down upon Subaru's dead face, Wilhelm formed a fist of regret, pounding it against the floor.
The floor split and fragmented, blood mixing with those shards Wilhelm's fist had split along as well. With blood dripping from his hand, Wilhelm raised his face to the heavens in lamentation.
In contrast to Wilhelm's raw, ferocious emotions, Ferris let out a little exhale and said, "…Weakling, coward. Everyone has precious people leave them, don't they? …Pushing all your pain and hardship onto everyone else… Are you satisfied with that?"
As sarcasm, it was harsh. As an accusation, it was all too charitable.
Having abandoned all comprehension, Subaru's consciousness could not decipher such a complex state of mind. But from Wilhelm's and Ferris's demeanor, one thing was perfectly clear.
—Subaru had carved deep, lasting wounds upon their hearts.
"_______"
Notwithstanding his absentminded daze, he was a being of consciousness alone—yet that fact thrust very deep indeed.
Subaru was seeing something. He was being shown something. What was this supposed to be?
—He was being shown his crime.
"—Even though you told me…"
It was low. It was thin. And as her voice reverberated hollowly in the silence the two had created, it struck into Subaru like a stake.
As Wilhelm and Ferris succumbed to resignation, Emilia continued clutching her knees behind them, still sobbing. Her cheeks displayed tracks of dried tears, but without paying this any heed, she carried on with a trembling voice.
"Even though you told me that you love me…!"
He did. Yes, he had certainly said that. He'd only just managed to say the words he'd wanted to for so long.
It was Emilia, who flashed a tearful smile when she heard those words, that Subaru had left behind.
—Suddenly, as if someone had turned out the lights, the world he was watching snapped out of existence.