False reality

The day finally arrived. From early morning, the whole castle was incredibly busy, although a better description would be that it was thrown into chaos. The servants were preparing the ballroom for the banquet, the cooks were busy with the feast, maids decorated every possible nook of the castle and its surroundings, from the gardens all the way up to the towers. The corridors, halls, and even balconies suddenly burst with color from fresh and dried flowers and ribbons.

In the meantime, I was being tortured by two older maids who couldn't make up their minds about what outfit suited me best and would present itself well at the festivities.

"Red doesn't go well with young master's hair..." said one of them, holding three shirts at once. "I think dark green would be best,"

"Dark blue might be better," chirped the other one, handing her a fourth piece.

"Oh yes, it would go perfectly with young master's eyes. But this embroidery looks a bit strange..."

That did it. I summoned the loveliest smile that I could manage after half an hour of female jabbering and politely showed them the door. After making sure that none of them was peeking through it, I picked what I liked the most in about three seconds and changed. Another thirty seconds and I was standing in front of the tall mirror, appraising my work.

The black, simple trousers were light and comfortable, as was the shirt in the darkest of blue, its long, flared sleeves preventing me from feeling too restrained. The delicate, light-blue and silver thread adornments were all it took to make the outfit look festive instead of banal. I added a leather belt with silvery leaf ornaments and gave my reflection a pale smile. Some people said I looked 'princely' - handsome but a little feminine at the same time. My scrawny silhouette seemed even thinner due to the color of the clothes, but in combination with my pale skin it kind of added to the royal elegance.

And made me think that this was not the real me. I looked far better than when the maids would have dressed me, but something about my appearance still seemed odd, misplaced and unfit. I sighed and gently stroked Shia, who was watching me with curiosity this whole time, as if confused what the point of all that preening was.

"I'm sorry I won't be taking you with me, Shia," I whispered, scratching behind one of the fluffy ears. "But I promise that when I return, we'll go somewhere together, alright?"

She gave me a loud, content purr and stretched, ready for a nap. I dared to slip out of my room and headed downstairs, even though there was still quite a bit of time left until lunch. A danger of being ambushed by some servants or my teachers who didn't get the opportunity to wish me a happy birthday yet was still there, but I did my best to sneak through the hallways and staircases that were usually less crowded.

I strolled across the west wing, occasionally brushing the colorful decorations, mourning a little over the flowers that were brought here today only for this celebration, destined to die in a few days. There was so much dedication in all of it... dedication for someone who didn't remember much about the people who put all that effort into today. I wondered if I used to interact with the people living in the castle a lot in the past. Was I the type that would sneak into the kitchen to steal cookies, stealing the hearts of the kind-hearted women as he went, or was I rather drawn to the guards' quarters, eager to watch them and learn swordsmanship like the strong man I was one day meant to become? Or maybe... I didn't change much from what I was before my memory loss...? Reserved, not seen around other people much, preferring to stick his nose into books rather than...

I stopped, my hand freezing on the handrail wrapped up in blue ribbon. A quiet melody reached my ears from somewhere below, a soft, shy song... As far as I remembered, the ballroom lay near the bottom of the staircase that I was descending, but I heard that it was supposed to be decorated yesterday in order to save time, so who would be there now? Some musicians preparing for the evening performance? I went down the few remaining steps and quietly approached the huge, slightly ajar door.

The ballroom was flooded with sunlight, making the golden thread in the numerous banners on the walls sparkle and send tiny reflexes onto the polished floor. Opposite the door stood the fancy chairs prepared for me and my father, a third one a little behind. Father always ordered for the seat for my mother to be prepared, even knowing she would never sit at his side again... A bit to the right, in the shifting shadows cast by the tree just outside the window stood Kristya... She was arranging a small bouquet of flowers in a vase on the windowsill, humming a simple, innocent tune. I recognized the calyxes of zinnias, a symbol of remembrance... I smiled. Somehow, I found this sight way more beautiful than any treasure in this castle.

I approached slowly, quietly, using the rustle of the leaves in her hands to my advantage. Only when I stood right behind her did I put one of my hands on my back and made my presence known by slightly clicking my heels together.

"Would you give me the honor of a dance to this wonderful melody, my lady?" I asked, extending my other hand to her.

Kristya squeaked in surprise, turning around. I was pretty sure she barely restrained herself from smacking me right on the head. "Are you crazy?!" she hissed at me. "Don't scare me like that!"

I chuckled. "Sorry. The song just drew me to you, I didn't want you to stop too soon."

A slight shade of red tainted the background of those adorable freckles. "I'm not in the mood for your teasing..."

My smile melted into a soft one. "But I meant it... We weren't allowed to see each other for so long, let me enjoy it."

"If you insist..." she hesitantly placed her hand on mine. "Lead on then..."

I blinked once, because the dancing part actually was a joke. But since I brought this upon myself, and I really was glad to spend some time with her again, I decided to just roll with it. Gently pulling her a few steps towards the center of the ballroom, I sneaked one of my arms under hers, allowing her to find support on my shoulder, and shifted my other hand under hers. I then began with a small step forward, making her back away subtly and start the dance to the nonexistent music.

To anyone who would have come in now, we probably would have looked perfectly silly, but it warmed my heart so much... I've missed her over the past weeks, the person who always put effort into understanding me, maybe was the only one who was really trying. She looked happy too, her eyes smiling at me as she looked into mine with affection and a sort of relief.

And whether it was the joy of having her at my side again or the result of recent lessons, I felt like dancing finally came easy to me, my body finding some sort of new balance and smoothness of movement. As if there was something helping me with every sway... Something that I eagerly grasped, happy to use and explore it immediately...

... until after just two of those more daring turns, my body stiffened shortly and a quick, stinging pain shot through my back right under my shoulder blades, causing me to stop so suddenly that Kristya's foot landed on mine.

"I'm sorry!" she whined, shifting her arms so it was her supporting me and not the other way around.

"It's alright..." I moaned, holding my leg up. The pain in my back was already gone. "It was my fault..."

"What happened anyway?"

"I don't know... I think I got overconfident..."

Kristya sighed. "Maybe you got too used to the footwork of a swordsman and forgot how to be elegant?"

"Maybe..." I mumbled, embarrassed, as she slowly led me back to the window. "Sorry, I ruined it..."

"Hopefully that doesn't happen with any of the ladies this evening," Kristya joked.

I had to wince. "I don't know if I want to even try with any of them..."

She nodded absently, her fingers brushing the purple petals of the flowers on the windowsill. "Sometimes, I understand how you feel..."

"About what?"

"About wanting to escape from here. Away from this stiffness, all the rules, written and unwritten..."

"Yeah... if we were both living somewhere out there, just two free people, I could probably even marry you, and not focus my gaze on nobles only..."

I didn't even realize what I was rambling about until Kristya's voice pierced my ears with a pitch higher than I ever heard from her: "M-married...?!"

"I was just speaking theoretically..." I restrained myself from rubbing my ear to not seem rude. "Considering the status gap between us now..."

"Oh..." the lively color refused to leave Kristya's cheeks. "Yeah... I guess..."

"Not that I would mind... you're a great friend, kind, caring... But that can never happen."

"Yeah..." she sighed, turning to the vase again and reaching behind it. "By the way, Cal..."

"Yes?"

"Happy birthday," suddenly there was a small package hovering in front of my face, simple green paper and a ribbon around it.

"Thank you," I smiled, taking it. It was light.

"My pleasure. But if you joke around about marriage ever again, you won't be getting anything for any of your next birthdays."

"Yes ma'am."

~

During lunch, which most of the important personages of the land attended, I was barely able to sit still. The company, the cheerful music and delicious food were completely unimportant. The only thing that mattered was that when I left this hall, I would go to the capital. Time passed almost painfully slowly as I was being introduced to countless officials and ladies that accompanied them, some of which threw me mischievous glances every now and then.

And then my patience got rewarded at last.

The guests poured out of the castle around the time when the sun reached its zenith. Walking foremost with my father, I cast an instinctive glance at the castle's southern wall. In one of the windows I spotted Kristya, waving to me with what looked like a hint of pride on her face, maybe a bit of languor. I discreetly waved back.

I kept my eyes outside the window the whole ride. I felt my father watching me in silence, but was too fascinated to care.

After leaving the walls surrounding the castle behind, we passed between two bands of grassy slopes called the Spruce Hills, then a few golden wheat fields, most of them already harvested. Behind a stone bridge crossing a small, crystal clear brook, the road went into a gentle curve. Then the landscape got covered by trees for maybe one minute before

I started to see the first buildings of the city. They looked so tiny in comparison to the castle... Most of them had little gardens, already empty and prepared for the winter. I also spotted some beautiful, branchy trees and immediately started assessing how far up them I could go and where the best seat to watch the surroundings would be. I had that weird habit ever since I could remember...

The first signs of festivities were there too. The bushes and fences were decorated with ribbons that flowed from lantern to lantern, the latter surely supposed to light our way back when evening arrived. What intrigued me the most though were the people, so different from the ones I was used to. Their clothing was simple, the faces marked with troubles of another nature than the ones I knew. And yet, I felt like I was familiar with them in some way, like there was something connecting us...

Sensing some unpleasant sting in my chest, I turned away from the window.

When the carriage stopped at the edge of a spacious plaza in what must have been the heart of the capital, we stepped outside. Already waiting for us was an elderly man about as tall as me, accompanied by two cute girls holding vibrant bouquets of field flowers.

"Good noon, your majesty," the man bowed, the two children curtsying in unison.

"Good noon, mayor," my father nodded. "Is everything ready?"

"Of course, as you wished," the man gestured towards a wooden podium, from which my father probably wanted to address the gathered crowd. He headed there without wasting further time for chatting. The two girls followed us, as did five royal guards in light armor.

I climbed the three wooden steps, took my place at my father's right, and suddenly got a much better view of the plaza. It was vast, surrounded by a wreath of buildings, and at this very moment filled to the brim with people. I don't think I've ever seen this many excited faces crowded in the same place at once before. But what shook me more was the odd sensation that I knew this place... it seemed so familiar, like I've seen it already somewhere in the past and then forgot... And when the crowd started cheering, it stunned me all the way into numbness. I didn't understand much of what my father said when the people fell silent again. I felt dizzy, almost nauseous...

To my relief, the speech was soon over, and we stepped down from the platform.

"Are you alright?" I heard my father's voice, sounding a bit distant to me. "You're pale."

"Yes, I... I'm fine," I managed. "I just need some fresher air, I think..."

"Take a walk then, try talking to people. I need to meet someone before the main ceremony. Make sure to be there on time, it will be starting soon."

"As you wish, father..."

When he vanished from sight, I made my way towards a small grove of pine and beech at the southern border of the plaza. I was in no mood to talk to anyone, even though I was looking forward to meeting the people earlier... I barely even noticed the two soldiers that followed me like shadows.

I sat down on a mossy stone under one of the trees and closed my eyes for a moment. The buzzing in my ears was fading slowly, but I still didn't understand what just happened. I leaned back against the soft bark and took a few deep breaths, listening. The soft hum of insects among the undergrowth, the murmur of conversations nearby, the occasional louder laughter... Only a few steps away people were singing, delighting in the festive day, I even heard some instruments. But here...

I glanced towards the guards standing between the trees and just stared for a moment, not yet really understanding where they even came from. A delicate gust of wind snatched a few dry leaves and cast them at my feet to my right. I instinctively moved my head in their direction and suddenly spotted a shadow in the corner of my eye...

I turned just enough to look at it. Behind one of the thicker trunks stood a girl my age, maybe a year younger. Her long, blonde hair was tied behind her back, reaching all the way to her waist. It shone beautifully in the golden sun rays that broke through the remnants of leaves up above. There was something in her azure eyes that pinned me into place, making me unable to move.

She seemed... shocked? I wasn't sure, but she stared at me with an expression of pure disbelief. I was almost sure I even saw a glint of tears in her eyes... I couldn't fathom a reason for that...

After a very long moment, her pale lips moved slightly, and I heard a faint whisper: "Sigrian...?"

My vision turned black for a brief moment. That alien word started echoing in my mind... but... was it really unfamiliar? It plucked a string somewhere deep in my memory, and the girl suddenly didn't look like a stranger anymore. A gentle breeze played with my hair, bringing a familiar scent of autumn, of moss and leaves molding after recent rain... The dizziness returned...

Eventually even the not so bright soldiers noticed that something was wrong. They stepped closer, hands on the hilts of their swords.

"Is everything alright, young master?" one of them asked.

The fog before my eyes cleared a little, but I still wasn't able to say a word. The other guard glared at the mysterious girl, still half-hidden behind the tree, and growled at her: "What do you want here? Get..."

I suddenly regained my senses. "Leave her alone," I said quietly.

"But... young master, who is this?"

"I have no idea, but if you dare to touch her, I will see that you land in the dungeons for the rest of the week..."

The two soldiers mumbled in understanding and retreated slightly, but stayed close. I turned to the stranger again. We looked each other in the eyes for a few moments, before she took a hesitant step in my direction. Then another. I didn't move, the feeling of familiarity nailing me down to the rock I was sitting on. She started to raise her hand...

At this very moment, four silhouettes appeared at the edge of the grove and I suddenly heard the annoyed voice of my father: "Calthraval, the ceremony is about to begin, what are you still doing here?"

The girl immediately turned around and darted away like a frightened doe. I followed the beautiful blond hair with my gaze for a brief moment before turning to face the king. "I'm coming..."

I couldn't stop thinking about this encounter. When the main part of the festivities started, the music was floating away somewhere beside me, the comedians didn't even exist. The only thing my mind could focus on was trying to figure out where I've seen this girl before, attempting to assign her appearance somewhere where it made sense. I could still hear that one word that fell from her lips. I didn't even care about the headache anymore, I just wanted to know what was going on...

I remained in this state until evening when we returned to the castle, escorted by the last, faint glow of the sun.

During the banquet, I didn't even touch the delicacies that appeared on the tables. I felt like I wouldn't last until the end if I did. I didn't say much either, practically nothing, and the encouragements of my father to ask one of the ladies for a dance were left unnoticed. Even if I felt better, I would have rather ran to the opposite end of the castle from some of them...

When the world outside turned completely black and only the stars sparkled like tiny jewels on the vast canvas called sky, I was finally allowed to return to my chamber. I walked over to the balcony and stood in the threshold, mindlessly playing with the flared sleeves of my shirt. The tree tops outside were no longer a bloody gold, instead shifted to silver briefly before turning navy blue at last. I could finally return to my thoughts... but some others forced the image of that girl out of my mind...

Now that I was alone and in silence, the meaning behind everything that happened today finally hit me with full force. I was an adult now... first and only in line to the throne... There was no way out for me, I had to become the king. But not like this... Not whilst deep down hating this place, hating myself, hating how one fall changed my life... I clenched my fists, biting my lip... I couldn't... I...

A soft knock on the door snapped me out of it.

After a reflexive 'Come in', Kristya entered the room, bringing in the faint light of a candle to accompany the glow of the fireplace.

"I hope it's not too late to disturb you..." she gave me a warm smile. "I just wanted to ask how the trip..." her voice faltered when she noticed my expression. She dropped all manners of officiality, quietly clicked the door shut and came closer, concern evident on her face. "You alright, Cal? You're so pale..."

I welcomed the friendlier and warmer tone we used when we were alone with gratitude. It calmed me down a little. "I will be, Kris..."

"Are you sick? Maybe I should get the medic..."

I shook my head slightly, trying not to make the headache worse. "No, it's fine... I just... think I had too much excitement for one day... I just need some rest..."

Kristya watched my face in silence for a moment, and eventually guessed that my problem was not of physical nature. "Something's troubling you..." she started softly. When I just looked away, she leaned to the side, trying to maintain eye contact. "You know you can tell me. Maybe I can help."

"I'm not sure if anyone is able to..." I stepped towards the bed and sat on it, leaning my elbows on my knees. Kristya soundlessly sat on the floor in front of me, putting the candle down next to her. "I can't do this Kristya..."

"Can't do what...?"

"Keep going like this... pretending like I believe that everything will somehow be alright in the future... How can it be...? It's been two years, yet nothing has changed... I'm... no longer who my father always wanted me to be... I can't just claim the throne one day without any devotion to my duty... If I do... Earlindon will be sure to fall... and it will be my fault... How can I rule when I will be terrified of every single decision I'm about to make, lacking the instinct that the real me would have...? How is anyone in this castle who knows about my condition supposed to trust me, trust that I'll do the right thing...?" a tear fell to the carpet at my feet, then another... I leaned my forehead against my wrists, the fear I kept locked away taking control at last. "And I'm supposed to choose a future queen too... even if it would not be an arranged marriage but one started with love... how could I do this to anyone...? What if... after a few years, I suddenly remember everything...? What if I suddenly turn out to be a completely different man from the one she fell in love with...? How can I make vows that would be so fragile from the very beginning...? How am I supposed to trust myself with anything I...?"

I got cut off by two delicate arms wrapping around my shoulders, a warm hand coming to rest on my head. I let out a short breath before stopping to breathe completely for a moment. One more step might have been all that separated me from finally breaking, and she stopped me... with nothing but an embrace...

As her hand started to stroke my hair, I dared to take a breath again... shaky, but calming...

"You're... so kind..." Kristya's soft whisper moved a few strands on my head. "I wonder... if this is what the real you was always like..."

"Wh..." I moved away to look into her face, confused. At first, I thought that it was my tears that fell on her cheeks, but then realized it was her own trickling down to stain her dress. "What are you talking about...? You know what I was like, we were friends for years before..."

A pained smile made her eyes shine with what I thought was regret. "I wish that was the case... that I knew you before all this happened... the real you... before they imprisoned this innocent heart..." she reached out and placed her trembling hand on it.

I covered her palm with my own, feeling my heart race with fear, confusion and despair. "Imprisoned...? It... wasn't an accident then...? I didn't fall from...?"

She shook her head, the new tears that fell glistening in the light of the candle. She took a breath, as if preparing for something horrible, something she feared for a long time... "You're not even a prince... I... shouldn't be saying any of this, but... I just can't watch you suffer and stay quiet anymore..."

Something in my mind stirred again, the image of the girl from the capital returning with dizzying sharpness... What Kristya said seemed so impossible and yet... I felt like I knew it. I knew for a long time, just never allowed those thoughts to ripe. But now, for the first time, I dared to think about this possibility seriously. The absurd suddenly started to make sense...

"Sigrian..." I whispered, and felt Kristya's hand on my chest twitch. "That's... my real name, isn't it...?"

She moved her lips, but no sound came from them. Instead...

"That's right..." a beautiful, chime-like voice broke the brief silence.

I looked up while Kristya jumped slightly, turning to face the balcony door.

Between the thin curtains dancing in the breeze stood the girl from the grove. The light of the moon that has just barely risen made her seem like an illusion. Normally, I would have immediately sprinted to the door and called the guards, but things stopped to be normal long ago... I was just about to ask who she was... But then I realized I didn't have to...

I knew who she was...

I knew who I was...

And I knew that darkness that suddenly enveloped my field of vision, dragging me down into unconsciousness...