23 January 2022

I'm at a loss.

Genuinely.

You talked to me again.

Not talked so much as sent an emoji flipping me off. The amount of dread I felt at seeing that message and the amount of courage and self-calming it took to open it.

I had to convince myself I was strong enough to not start again.

I told you to leave me alone and you threw all the times I "came back" back at me. Even though it was still you all those times. I just hit that unblock button.

Then you confessed you couldn't stop thinking about me. That you were sorry about it. Although your sorry was definitely bitter.

So I told you the truth I hid from you and expected the opposite of what I got.

Acceptance?

Understanding?

I suppose it was just a matter of me telling you how terrible the last two weeks were and how I didn't want to start again because then I'd have to go through it again. You got it eventually. But by then it was much too late.

You were in love with me.

Seemingly more than even I was. Or just as much.

You said i felt like the one.

That we were soul mates- even though you admitted you didn't believe in "crap" like that.

Then we spent the night in tears of our futile love for each other. Our impossible love. For better word.

I spent the next morning mulling over how I would have to end it again. It felt next to impossible. Felt like a vice grip on my heart.

But when I bought it up- you said you didn't want to cry anymore. It hurt to read that.

It hurt to discover all the times i unbeknownst to me hurt you with your feelings in an attempt to escape from my own.

But your secret made it even harder to break it off.

Because it made me realise you truly have fallen in love.

That I didn't imagine this oddly strange emotional connection we have.

And tomorrow I shall ponder again.

How do I break free?