Chase

It was almost five in the afternoon when I arrived at the hospital. I looked around and saw the cold hallways, the floor seemed to be swaying under my feet and I was pretty sure at some point I was going to collapse. I turned my attention to the glass that allowed me to see my father. He was lying in bed. The machines kept him breathing, and my own breathing felt heavy, like I was drowning. I took my hand to the glass. I touched it. My eyes scanned the white room, the bed, the appliances, a chair next to the bed. I saw Kathryn sitting there, massaging her temple. When she realized I was watching her, she glanced at me sideways and smiled shyly. I sighed, the glass fogged up.

I walked to the door and opened it, stepping into the room. I shoved my hands in my pockets and walked over. My eyes traveled to him on the bed. He looked relaxed, somehow. Eyes closed, peaceful expression on his face. It made me smile.

"Hi," she said, settling in her chair. "Doctors said he's still the same. He looked at me. - You're beautiful.

I stared at her, and as much as I knew our relationship wasn't the best, I had to swallow my silly pride and convince myself that at least one of us wanted the best for Dad. Kathryn tucked a strand of unruly hair behind her ear and stood up, running her hands over her clothing. She came closer, and I stopped at the side of the bed.

"Do you think he'll wake up one day?" I asked.

Those words were like poison. They burned along my throat, slowly choking me. I looked at Kathryn and she shrugged. Her smile died. I noticed that she was wearing a brown leather jacket, her dress black underneath, and long blonde locks covering her shoulders. She crossed her arms and approached.

"I don't know," she said, shaking her head. "But I hope so.

I nodded slowly, feeling her gaze on me. I asked how it all got here, and I didn't like the answer at all. The truth is, it was unfair, anyway. Unfair to us. Not for him. It was ironic that we were the only people controlling his life, so he needed our goodwill, something he'd neglected us our entire lives. But when I saw him there, I forgot that he was the terrible man he used to be. Now he was just Thomas Ward, my father. So fragile, so… peaceful.

Kathryn put her hand on my shoulder and rested her head gently. I looked at her, took my hand out of my pocket and ran it over her back. I felt his slow, calm breathing. Unlike me, she knew there were options for that, and as much as I wanted everything to stay the way it was, hopefully, she was right. Not that I was going to tell her that.

- Are you okay? We didn't talk much yesterday," I said, tilting my head. "Does Paul know you're here?" That guy hates me. My voice held steady even though I was starting to melt.

She nodded.

"He doesn't hate you. You're annoying. Only that. - She laughed. That made me laugh too. "And sorry about yesterday. I was too angry.

Yesterday we had our lunch. She always made a point of having lunch with me on Wednesdays, the day before we came to the hospital to check on Dad. It seems that with every lunch we have less to talk about. I talk about my job; her about her husband. We've never been as far apart as we are now, and it makes me sick. I feel bad for thinking she doesn't have the support she needs, I feel bad for thinking that Paul charges her too much, I feel bad for thinking I'm a terrible brother.

"I wasn't," I said. "I pissed you off, as usual. Look, I know I'm not perfect, and in fact, I don't think I want to be, but what I said about it was unfair." The words died in my mouth. She squirmed in my embrace. Kathryn took my arm and squeezed. - I'm an idiot.

I'm really an idiot. Kathryn always said that somehow what happened to Dad reflected on me, but the truth is, I became the person I hated the most. I hate myself for it. I feel remorse for myself, and that's pathetic. Every day I live the same shit. Every day I motivate myself to be one of the best, but the truth is that I am part of the worst. Yesterday at lunch, Kathryn told me that she had had a miscarriage. It was the fifth. I didn't even say anything. I shrugged and continued eating. Earlier, when I arrived at work, I found the weight of her crying echoing in my head. I've scribbled on papers and tried to get it out of my mind, but it doesn't work at all. I should have comforted her. I know how difficult it is for her to face this subject. Her husband Paul is threatening her. Six attempts. That's what he said. If she didn't get pregnant, he would break up with her.

Kathryn told me how he always protected her, how he was always around, but pressure from her to get pregnant has plagued her since the beginning of their marriage. He was a nice guy, thoughtful and caring, but the idea of ​​not having a child completely destroyed him. She suggested adoption, because every time the worst happened, she could hardly bear the disappointment in her husband's eyes, but Paul wouldn't. He said that he wanted a son of his own blood, that he wouldn't be a real man if he couldn't have a son. I've hated him since the day he had the audacity to tell her that. Paul didn't talk to me anymore because I used to say he was an asshole. Kathryn barely saw me, because he wouldn't allow it to continue. I, her own brother, felt powerless about it. I wanted to protect her, but Paul denied me even that. I started to pull away from Kathryn little by little, and God… that was painful. Our ideas, desires and encounters have become increasingly scarce. I've barely seen her lately. That's why she scheduled lunch every Wednesday. It was the only opportunity to see each other, to have a decent conversation, but with each lunch, we lost ourselves more. We were never inseparable, but that didn't mean we didn't care for each other. And now, we confront each other almost all the time.

"It is," she agreed. "But it's not your fault. I decided that…" She took a deep breath and looked at me. "That I'm going to try artificial insemination." Paul doesn't know it yet, but…" Her eyes filled with pain, and she continued: "I'm tired. I can not take it anymore. It's like everything is against me, and carrying this weight… I can't take it anymore, Chase. I kissed her hair, tightening the hug.

"I'm here," I whispered. "I will always be by your side, no matter how much Mr. Arrogant Asshole stop me. — Guaranteed. She smiled, and my heart was filled with a warmth I thought I couldn't feel anymore.

I resisted the idea of ​​being more present in her life, because I didn't understand how I could confront Paul and help her sort out all the problems that happened at once. She always supported me in all my decisions, but there was only one of them who disagreed: Dad. She insisted he wouldn't wake up from the coma, and I, in turn, insisted he would. I didn't love him like a son should, but I didn't hate him like an enemy. Our enmity is due to events, bad choices and setbacks, but did he really deserve that? To be condemned to have your life in someone's hands? The most powerful man I've ever known at the mercy of the will of others. Doctors said that only a miracle could wake him up, and both Kathryn and I didn't believe it—perhaps because our father made us see that it was foolish—but I have faith, however weak, that someday , it will happen, even if it's for a goodbye.

He could hardly believe that he had been here for four years.

I've been broken for four years.

Four years ago, I learned to play a character, because being myself hurts so much.

For four years, I've hated myself for who I am.

"I wish everything was simpler. She said, pulling away. She hugged her body and walked to the foot of the bed. "You're never around when I need you. He's always running from place to place because of this stupid job. She turned and looked at me. "You're getting to be just like him.

What irony. The adopted son becomes a copy of the father, which in fact is not even close.

"I need this," I said, looking away from Dad to her. "It's the only thing that keeps me from going crazy.

- No. It's the only thing stopping you from living. Look at you." She pointed at me, her gaze traveling down my body. I felt ashamed all of a sudden. "You drown in this work as if that's all there is. You ignore everything else, because you don't know how to live without it anymore, and you explain to yourself that if you don't have it, you're going to be weak. But the truth is that you have abandoned yourself. I miss my brother, Chase. Not this project with a cocky and petulant face. She locked eyes with me, and when I opened my mouth, I found my tongue stilled. She was right. "The Chase I knew was kind, polite, mate… that's a coward, selfish, and arrogant. You pretend to be something, but it's obvious you're not. She walked over and took my hand, brow furrowed. I stared at her, noticing the light blue of her eyes sparking. "I don't know how much longer I'll have to live without you and Dad. And I understand that it's difficult, because you loved him more than anything, but I also don't understand how you could change so much. His eyes were full of disappointment, and it hit me like a punch in the gut. I held her hands.

"I'm guilty of that." I looked at her hands clasped in mine and smiled. "I'm guilty of making you believe you're alone, but you know what? I do not understand too. I don't understand how I got this way… it's hard, yes, but I don't love him anymore. After what he did—and I looked up at him. "I feel disgusted. I feel, too, that I don't belong in this family, because somehow, I destroyed it. She brought her hand up to my face and brushed my beard. I bowed my head to the side and received the affection.

- It is not. It's not the culprit, Chase. Tears sprang to his eyes. She hugged me and I rested my chin on top of her head. She squeezed me hard. - No one is.

I closed my eyes.

The weight imposed on my eyes seemed to sink me into quicksand. Every time I tried to move, she swallowed me more, until I simply decided it would be better to be swallowed than to struggle in vain.

"I love you, little brother," she murmured against my chest.

- Me too.