Losing you is not an option

My knuckles come in contact with the punching bag. A jolt of pain shoots through my hand but I ignore it, it's nothing compared to what I'm feeling inside. Emotions are raging through me but I don't know how to deal with them. I want to run upstairs to take Wanda in my arms and apologize to her over and over again, but I don't. What do I possibly have to offer her? Pain, rudeness, brokenness? She deserves someone to take care of her, to love her every second of everyday. I can do that. As soon as the thought enters my mind, I discard it. I'm not even capable of allowing myself to feel love, how on earth can I direct that love to someone else? Besides, loving someone is the go-to to get yourself killed. I've seen it happen before, they care more about keeping the other person safe than themselves. How can you go into battle like that? But still, a small part of me hurts just thinking of Wanda belonging to someone else. Okay, a big part. Just thinking about Wanda throwing her gorgeous laugh in Vision's direction makes me want to put a bullet through his head. A punch with more power than the previous ones causes the bag to fly through the air and land a couple of meters away from me. "What did it do to deserve such a treatment?" I spin around and see Steve standing there, leaning against the wall. After simply raising a single eyebrow I walk towards the bag and pick it up. As I'm attaching it to its hook once again, Steve walks towards me. "What's going on Nat?" I start throwing punches once more, but this time in a slow and controlled pace. "Why should there be something going on?" He holds the bag still, forcing me to look at him by doing so. With his head he points towards my knuckles and when I look at them I notice that there is a lot of blood. The skin is broken on multiple places and as I look closer, I can see that blood is also covering the punching bag. "Yes, it's also on your face. Probably from wiping away some sweat." I scoff and lift my shoulders. "So, it's not the first time this has happened."

Turning around on my heels I walk towards the dressing room, hoping this will cause Steve to leave the subject alone. But he wouldn't be Captain America if he didn't jog after me, set on making me tell him what's going on so that he can fix the day. "And every single time this has happened it's been because something has been bugging you." Oh how I wish I could just wipe that patriotic look from his face. "What do you want from me Steve?" I snarl, not in the mood to deal with his hero crap. "You want to hear me say that I've screwed it up? That I fucked up my chance of being happy? That I broke the heart of the person I care most about? Or do you want to hear me say that even though I want to rip my own heart out, I'm still not capable of dealing with my emotions in a human way? That even now I'm still not capable of going up there to apologize to her, to confess my feelings for her?!" I'm panting and it feels as if someone is destroying my heart by a thousand paper cuts. Steve seems pretty taken back by my explosion and he has this sad but understanding look in his eyes, which only causes my anger to flare up even more. "Stop looking at me like that! I don't need your pity so fuck off!" I turn around and grab the blouse I had been wearing when… Never mind. The sound of an alarm draws both of our attention away from the conversation we were having, even though I don't really think you could call this a conversation. "Attention please. All of the Avengers who are on base need to be ready for takeoff in 30 minutes. We have discovered a secret Hydra facility so immediate action is required." Maria Hill her voice echo's through the dressing room and instantly my instincts kick in. Gone is the anger and the pain I was feeling a moment ago, the only thing on my mind right now is the mission. Go to my room, gear up. Get ready for combat. As I'm about to leave the room Steve's voice calls me back. "Nat?" I turn around and give him an upward nod. "For what it's worth, I really do believe you deserve the happiness you desire with Wanda." Without another word I leave him behind.

As I enter my room a small part of me registers the fact that Wanda is no longer here. I'm not sure whether she left after my exit or if she waited for me to come back, having to leave when she too heard the alarm. It doesn't matter, the fact that I'm alone is more practical. I don't have the time to deal with her right now. In a quick pace I grab my tactical suit and in a couple of seconds I have removed my clothes and am left standing in my underwear. I glance at the clock, 20 minutes left. More than enough time to put on a sports bra. When given the chance I'll always wear one for a fight, it's so much more practical. Sadly enough it's not always a possibility. Bra, check. Quickly I put on my suit and the combat boots are next. My hair is short enough to not be in need of a ponytail, that's why I prefer it this way. Quickly I put my guns and knives in their designated place and last but not least I slide my Widowbites over my wrists. Done, with 15 minutes to spare.

While entering the jet I notice that I'm the first one here, just as I had expected. I go to the control panel and almost immediately Steve and Maria enter, the Captain being the only one who is suited up. "Good, you're already here. You okay with flying the jet to Germany?" Maria's voice is more an announcement than a question but I nod in agreement anyway. My attention gets drawn towards Wanda entering the plane, and I notice that her behavior is reserved and timid. I know this is my fault but I'm not going to let it get to me, not with a mission ahead of us. I put my attention back towards the control panel and start pressing the buttons to get us ready for takeoff. The next couple of minutes Bucky, Rhodey, Clint and Sam join us. Of course, every mission Steve participates in he is joined by his 2 buddies. "Good, you're all here. This is a straight forward mission. About 45 minutes ago one of our SHIELD teams has given us a distress signal. They were supposed to investigate an abandoned HYDRA base, but apparently it wasn't abandoned at all. Their signal went dead immediately, so be prepared for action. They know you are coming. The priority of the mission is to retrieve our agents. Taking down HYDRA soldiers in the process is allowed, the rest should be handcuffed so that we can take them to the base for questioning. A larger ship is coming after you to load them up. Natasha and Clint, if you manage to salvage some of their research before they can destroy it, that would be greatly appreciated. Captain, you lead the mission. Romanoff, you fly the plane. Keep me updated." Everybody nods in acknowledgement and the moment she is off the plane, we take to the air. There is a mission to complete.

As soon as we reach the location of the HYDRA base, they open fire. It takes some maneuvering but I manage to bring the plane down mostly undamaged. "Okay. Nat and Clint, you infiltrate the castle in search of usable information. Wanda and Rhodey, you take on the outside guards. Sam, Bucky and I will go looking for the SHIELD agents." Steve has his typical calm and stern voice, the purpose of this is to give people confidence. "HYDRA really seems to love picking out castles as a secret base, don't they?" Sam's joking voice breaks the silence and Cap sighs in response. "Everybody has their orders, let's go." As soon as we leave the plane, the 5 of them go rushing forward. It doesn't take long before you can hear the sounds of a battle drifting towards us. "Come on." Clint gives me a soft nudge and we start to make an encircling movement so that we can find a way in from the back. I take out my Glock 26 and Barton does the same with his bow. Quiet but quick steps bring us to the building in no time, the attack of our team members serving perfectly as distraction. "I don't see a back entrance." Clint whispers as he takes a look around. I follow his gaze but come to the same conclusion. "We'll have to go up." I point my gun towards the wall. There's a platform a couple of meters in the air and I'm sure we can find a door somewhere up there. He simply nods in agreement. I put away my gun, even if it's just for a couple of seconds I hate it, and after taking a moment to assess the situation I run forward. I throw my body in the air, taking a hold of a small rock sticking out. Before it has the chance to give in to my weight, I use my feet to push me up again and without any problem I jump onto the platform. Immediately I go in a roll, taking my gun out while doing so. Standing up I have the weapon ready to fire, but there's nobody there. Good. I turn around and hold out my hand for Clint, making it easier for him than it was for me. "You know Nat, I'll never get tired of seeing you do your acrobatics like that." I roll my eyes in response.

"Let's go, I think I saw a door a bit further." Weapons drawn we move towards what indeed turns out to be a entrance. Clint and I share a look, after spending this many years as a team we understand each other perfectly. He pulls the door open and immediately I walk in, ready to kill anybody in our way. It's a good tactic and it proves to be effective once again, because an agent raises his head up in surprise. One clean shot and he falls to the floor, no longer breathing. I don't feel any pity for him, he chose to serve HYDRA just as I choose to serve SHIELD. We move forward in silence, and as we dissent some stairs we come across some more guards. Even though they outnumber us it's no hard work for us two. 3 bullets and 2 arrows later they're down. "You're one behind Legolas." I mention with my calm voice. "Shouldn't you concentrate on the task ahead instead of keeping score?" A joking grin accompanies his words. "I'm multi tasking." While we were still on the plane I had taken a look to the ground plan, memorizing where the control room was since that's probably the place where most of the valuable information would be. "2 more corridors and then we should be there." We make quick work of the people in our way, reaching the destination. Immediately I run towards the computers, pressing the mouse frantically to get the screen started. "Shit, they have deleted all of the important documents. Pridurki! (Assholes)" Clint shoots a couple of arrows towards some incoming enemies. "Think you can salvage something interesting or should we get out of here?" For a moment my mind races but I quickly get an idea. "Give me a second, have my back will you." "What do you think I have been doing?!" He mumbles in response but I'm already too busy to give him a reply. Sure they have deleted their files, but maybe if I can hack into their camera system I can download the images and we can see what they were working on. It doesn't take too long before I'm in their system. "Davay! (Come on)" A few more clicks and I'm transferring the files to the USB stick I have with me. I always have a couple of them on hand, you never know when they will come in handy. 70% … 80% … 90% ... 95% … 100%! "Done!" I press the exit button multiple times, as if it will go faster when I'm doing this, and the moment I get the green light I pull out the stick and put it away in one of my pockets. Immediately the gun is back in my hand. "Let's go!"

I didn't have to say this twice, instantly Clint and I spurt out of the room. "Front door?" He looks at me questionably and I nod in agreement. "Let's help the others." It doesn't take long for us to reach the said door, or should I say gate. Sam had been right with his comment about HYDRA loving castles. As we exit the building I can see the 5 other members of our team fighting against a much larger group of enemies. "Where do they keep coming from?" I snort hearing Clint's comment. "We managed to get the agents out but by doing so it's like we stepped into an anthill! They just keep coming!" Sam's comment reaches our ears and without a doubt we join the fight. After firing a couple of shots that reach their destination, my attention gets drawn towards a bunch of them attacking someone in their midst. When I see a couple of them flying in the air caused by scarlet red magic, it's like an ice cold layer is placed around my heart. Even though she has her magic she is completely outnumbered. "No!" I'm not even aware of the words leaving my lips and before I know it I'm storming towards her. Pew. Pew. Without a doubt I shoot down the people threatening her. Pew. Pew. I make sure they are deadly shots, there is no mercy in my soul. Click. When I hear the sound that tells me that my gun is out of bullets, I toss it to the side and throw my legs around the person closest to me. I'm well on my way to thin out their numbers when I can see someone pointing a gun directly at her back. Wanda is too busy defending herself from the people in front of her to notice the upcoming danger. It's as if everything happens in slow motion, and when I see him pull the trigger and I realize that there is nothing I can do to change the bullet's route there is no doubt at all in my heart. Without thinking about it I throw myself in front of the gun. Pew. Even though I don't want to I can't help but moan out of pain. I've been shot more than once but it's not something you ever get used to. Also, I'm pretty sure I haven't gotten one in my stomach yet. There's a first time for everything. "Natasha!" Wanda her scream reaches my ears as I drop to the floor. Suddenly everything around me is red, it barely lasts a second and for a moment I think that I have imagined it. But then the color comes back and I see each and every HYDRA agent falling to the ground. "NAT!" Wanda drops on the floor next to me and puts my face in her lap. "I NEED MEDICAL HELP!" I don't recall ever hearing someone so worried about me. "Hey, hey, look at me moya dorogoya (my darling). I'm here. Why did you do that, huh? Out of all the stupid things you have done I think this is the new number one." I do my very best to give her the most comforting smile I can muster, reaching for her face with my hand. It hurts immensely but I manage to put my hand against her cheek. "Losing you is not an option Wanda." Blackness takes over as I lose consciousness.

Hold on, I still want you

Come back, I still need you

Let me take your hand, I'll make it right

I swear to love you all my life

Hold on, I still need you