A Reason to Fight

Most people say they want to get stronger, but the reason is always different.

Some say they want to live longer, others say they want to control the world, and some just want to be able to bully others or make themselves feel better.

What they all have in common though is, that they need the motivation to get stronger. Spite, love, thoughts of death. They all help motivate people.

Have you ever heard of someone saying that spite is the strongest motivation? Several human inventions were created just to spite someone, like the airplane... Or the phone, the thing that most people use nowadays.

The ability to share information, the ability to motivate others, the ability to help people get through life. But none of that matters to me, why care about other people? You aren't them.

I used to care though... I used to care... But now I never can again, it's too much effort for something that ruins me.

Back when I was at the playground when I was young, a petite girl would constantly pester me, "Touru-san!"

Back when I was studying in the library, just trying to pass my class. Her blonde hair would distract me from my reading, "Touru-san nice day today isn't it?"

Back when I was trying to get a good job just to be able to live, they wouldn't stop caring about me even though I tried to push them away. "Touru-san make sure to get a good job! You don't want to get stuck in a bad workspace."

Hell, even the last time I saw them... when I was in a slump due to my father's death. "Touru-san, I'm traveling abroad to go to Stanford, I'll try and contact you when I get there. Stay safe!"

Their blue eyes showed genuine care for me, and I thought I might be able to return their feelings.

But then... the world showed its cruel, cruel, nature.

While waving her goodbye I suddenly noticed her green backpack in the corner of my eye. "Shiyo-san! You left behind your backpack!"

I grabbed the backpack and ran outside, slamming the door open. "Shiyo! You forgot your backpack!"

The backside of the girl suddenly turned around in surprise as she stopped walking. Her cerulean eyes and blonde hair reflected and contrasted the street below her respectively.

She was my main focus, not the green scenery, the colorful houses, or even the bright sky. She was my entire focus... Their beauty was alluring, their face was speckled but still charming.

I... thought that I was in love, I wanted to protect their smile, their life... Their innocence towards the outside world, I didn't want them to face what I faced...

After staring at them for a while I took a bold step forward and extended my hand toward them. I had made a simple gesture, but the feelings behind it weren't so simple.

I wanted to help her in any way I could, even if it was as simple as handing them their backpack.

She took a step towards me and everything else became obsolete, her petite frame filled my entire vision, and I felt warm. It was a feeling that only my Father used to be able to give me... I was, happy.

But then, the world thought differently.

As her mouth opened, a bright blur appeared in my vision... And suddenly, the world slowed down to a crawl. She was suddenly moving weirdly, and her body contorted strangely... It was like it was snapped.

As her body fell limply to the ground, the blur disappeared leaving only her, the street... And red... Red? I was dazed as the world suddenly sped up, countless thoughts were going through my mind... 'Why is it red?' My body took action without my own volition as it dashed forward. 'Why did this occur?'

I saw them lying there... 'Why did this have to happen?' Suddenly I picked them up before thinking about it. 'WHY?'

She was there, in a bloody state... Her arm was snapped backward and she was in an odd position. 'Why her?' Darkened marks were across their body. 'Why does the world hate us?'

There was a small puddle of blood on the ground, and she was unresponsive. 'Why did she get hit?' Trails were leaving her body and nestling into the puddle underneath. 'Why did I stop her?'

The rest was a blur to me, physically and metaphorically. I could not remember much of what happened, my hearing was distorted, and my vision was covered in a blurry haze.

'Why did I cause this?'

All I remember is the cold feeling of steel in one of my hands and a warm feeling in my other. All that was left was the pressure that was on my chest.

Sirens eventually could be heard, and my vision was filled with red.

Until suddenly... It stopped. 

`What did she do to deserve this?`

It's the next day, I am in my room. I am still covered in blood... And my face is stained with tears. I feel many things; my body is a torrent of vapid emotions. I need to do something.

Everything feels wrong, I can't use my phone, I can't eat, I can't even lay there without feeling wrong. Eventually, I find myself doing exercises.

'I need to become better.' Up, down. Up, down. 'I need to be able to control myself.' Up, down. Up, down. 'I need to be able to do something.'

My back keeps curling and uncurling, my arms keep expanding and contracting. And I keep bending and straightening my legs.

'I need to be able to stop this from happening again.'

I kept working out, and hours passed by. Days pass by... And even a month goes by. There is nothing on my mind except for staying alive and getting stronger... I have become a machine with a single task.

I don't know why I did any of this. Nothing I did mattered, I couldn't change the past.

At first, I needed to search for everything... My phone was filled with queries about working out and proper nutrition. I didn't know what I needed to do, I had the motivation but I was missing the information.

'I need to be able to protect her.'

But after several months, my body and mind are different. My workouts are now done as instinct rather than thought. I run, I jump, I curl, I squat, I push up and down... There are so many exercises I do, so many stretches I do. 

There are days when I hurt, but I keep going... There are days when I feel like I will die, but I keep going... There are days when I forget why I am doing this... But I keep... going.

'Shiyo-san, I'm coming to see you.'

I took a day off of work and ran to the hospital, yes. I ran, to the hospital. It was several miles away, but I kept running. I couldn't afford a car with all of the purchases I was making for my workouts, and I needed to get there quickly before I forgot.

The only thing helping me was the cool breeze of the night being forced against my skin. I didn't care about where I was running, I just kept running.

I finally arrived at the hospital, it didn't take long considering how far away it was... I was tired, but I kept going. Eventually, I composed myself and opened the front doors.

I was immediately taken off guard by the bright lights in the hospital lobby and took a few seconds to ready myself.

'I need to see her. So I can thank her for everything she has done for me...'

I steady myself and walk up to the front desk "Is there a Shiyo Marzin here?"