Secrets Magic.

"I'm sure by now you've realised that Brakebills teaches us to be arch and ironic about magic. But this one takes it serious." Margo explained.

"You must bare yourself in the presence of another magical adept and expose your highest governing internal circumstance, which is to say, your utmost truth. You have till midnight." Eliot added.

I looked down at the paper they had handed to us all.

It had on it a simple spell. A secrets magic. Some sort of directional guidance spell. Or so it would seem to a novice. But having seen the show, I know what form that guidance comes in.

It's a transformation spell that turns you into a goose and sends you south. Way south.

Antarctica. To Brakebills South.

To the Drunk Russian.

Mischa Mayakovsky.

Greatest Magician on Earth.

Which, statistically untrue, but hey, I'm not going to be the one to break the news to the man who created the Incorporate Bond, a spell that forms 4th dimensional paper weight that can hold down even the Nameless God and his sister, unkillable super gods that eat other gods for breakfast.

It was actually why I was willingly going to Mayakovsky's Antarctic summer camp thingy in the first place. I want to get my hands on an incorporate bond spell model so I can capture the Nameless and rip his divinity out to send to my true body.

In fact the whole reason I'm even dilly dallying around is to wait for a lot of auxiliary events to fall into place before I can act.

The summoning of Reynard for one. The realm of the gods is beyond my reach until I catch one going in and out of it and tag them with my trackers.

But for that, I'll need a god.

And given how gods in this world are dicks, no way they'll respond to my call .

But there are four gods who can be reached. Technically.

Umber, hiding out in Canada after running away from Fillory and abandoning his brother.

Ember, who was theoretically open to audience when he wasn't banging the nymphs of Fillory.

Hades, because I know exactly where he is. In the Underworld Library.

And Reynard who has been banished.

The underworld and Hades by extension are once again, unreachable as of yet.

Why?

Because until I get my hands on a free soul and get someone in the underworld to map the place out for me, Hades can't be safely reached.

Not with a 24 hour time limit and a one time entry ticket.

Ember and Umber are impractical, given their sheer reliance on mind reading and penchant for booking it at the slightest scare.

Fucking cowards.

But Reynard The Fox?

That arrogant, reckless prick?

He'll come running when he sees Julia praying to mommy dearest, Persephone.

Big mommy issues on that one.

Apparently, Persephone had an extramarital affair and Reynard was the result of that.

So he's not a son of Hades.

And that along with being abandoned on Earth as a youngling really fucked him up in the head.

That's a big chip on his shoulder.

You don't give a kid godly power and leave them alone without any parents and then expect them to not be a spoiled, rapey, murderous brat.

Regardless, Reynard is my only option at true godhood. Well him and Ember but I need to know how to extract a god seed before I catch and devour Ember.

That brings right back to Reynard.

He is the lynchpin to my plans here. He must be summoned. And Julia must be the one to do it, just for my convenience sake.

Maybe I should still find a replacement, just in case she has performance issues.

I did put her in the same situation as in the show, even sent her nudes to her boyfriend to break them up so she'd be truly alone and vulnerable, so I don't think it'll be necessary but it pays to be prepar-

Just then someone tugged at the hems of my labcoat bringing me out of my thoughts.

"Yue." I sighed, "What do you want now?"

She frowned and raised a bowl of a colored solution.

"It's time to do the spell." She informed me.

We were on the roof of the clock tower, the highest point in Brakebills, at my insistence.

"Is it now?" I asked, curt.

"It is." She replied just as coldly, putting down the bowl and bringing out a thick rope from my bag.

It was an ingredient in the spell.

One of it's three conditions, aside from revealing a deeply held secret.

And enchanted ointment.

A rope tied in a specific knot over our hands.

And complete nudity.

I scoffed at her attempt to tie the ropes in a knot, and shirked it off.

"Why are you even doing this? I thought by now you'd have run off and abandoned this. Why even go along with this of you don't even like m-"

It was only then that I realized.

Why was she still here?

By all means, if I was in her position I'd have stolen the portal gun and returned to my world.

Or worse.

Why was she here then?

Why was she playing along?

Doing her duty?

I looked down at her, and really looked this time.

I could see the tears, the red eyes, the emotions roiling beneath the surface I was so blind to earlier.

I felt a pang of pain in my chest.

A voice deep within me urged me.

Hug her.

Comfort her.

Wipe those tears away.

Make her happy again.

I missed her smile. That little blush. How her ruby eyes sparkled when she learned something new.

And now it was gone, replaced with that cold, muddy look by the hurt if my actions.

I felt like an asshole.

Why was I such a dick to her?

"Yue. I know I'm an idiot when it comes to things like this, so forgive me for asking this, but.....are you sure you want to do this?

Stay here with me? It would be so much easier for you to leave.

You know I won't force you to stay, right?

So don't force yourself." I assured her.

"Better to cut things off here if we can't get along. And for what it's worth, I am sorry for what I said back in the cafeteria.

I really didn't know what you wanted. What the problem was...is.

And I get that you hate me now-"

Yue caught my hand mid sentence and shook her head.

"I do not hate you." She whispered, shivering.

"What?"

"Let's just do the ritual, please." She insisted, tearing up.

And I understood her point.

If we were about to reveal secrets, might as well do the ritual while we're at it.

I sighed.

"Fine. But you need to be clear with me. What is your problem?

What did I do that incensed you so much?"

Yue nodded.

"I will."

"Good." I said, as I stripped down naked and she did the same.

Slowly and carefully I applied the concoction to her body, painting lines of white over her form, circling her eyes and down her clavicle.

The instant I was finished the ointment turned black

This time it was Yue's turn to apply it onto me and unlike her usual perverted self, she did it with a cold diligence.

It almost hurt to see that part of her stripped away.

It didn't feel like...Yue. My Yue.

We bound our hands with the ropes as instructed in the ritual and sat down opposite one another, waiting.

I needed to confirm it now. Bring Yue back to my side or cut her off.

Because having her be silently mad at me is dangerous. What of her emotions affect her performance at a critical juncture? What of she betrays me for a better offer out of anger? Just to spite me.

I could lose it all.

No. I need to end this now.

But she didn't move, shuffling uncomfortably in place. She looked at me and I sighed.

I get it.

"Alright. I will go first. But once I'm done, you need to be ready to tell me the truth. Okay?"

Yue nodded.

"Good." I huffed and took a deep breath.

"I...fuck, I can do this."

I did not like baring myself to others. I didn't like to reveal my secrets.

I was....

"I ...am afraid. So afraid. Always. Afraid of everything. Everywhere. All the time. I have...I suffer from severe paranoia. I fear everything. I try to revel in it, I try to enjoy it but it doesn't work. I thrive on chaos, I flourish on uncertainty and yet the moment something goes wrong in the slightest, I panic. I prepare and I prepare until nothing can hurt me. Until all eventualities are accounted for.

And still, the fear remains. It lingers like an itch at the back of my head I can't quite scratch. I run from it. I hide; but it never goes away, like shadow stalking my every move it blankets me. It's paralyzing. The thoughts, the nightmares. I ....have done everything, tried everything. Anything. It never works. No amount of modifications, no amount of drugs, nothing. Nothing can stop that paranoia from creeping in.

It always returns. And I'm helpless against it.

I see dagger in the shadows and enemies in friends. I doubt the love my children feel towards me because deep down I cannot trust anyone. Not even myself. It doesn't...I can't understand why someone..anyone would love me. The concept escapes me. It seems meaningless. Irrational and yet it is there.

And I'm helpless against it.

So helpless. So.....ugh!

But the thoight of what's to come. The thought of achieving my childhood dream, of having fun, of being someone, something. It keeps me going. And even in that I feel a deep, foreboding fear.

What happens after?

What do I do when I have achieved my goals. When I know everything. When I have seen everything? What happens when I become an overgod? A higher existence? Will it all be for naught? Is there even something after I get that 'happily ever after'?

Or more likely, what horrors await in the beyond?

They scare me. Everyday the thought flashes by like a peal of thunder, shattering my focus, dragging me back into the deep dark abyss of doubt and confusion.

And I persevere. I create convoluted plots and complicate my path, almost subconsciously. Slowing my self down. Pacing the adventure. Because I'm afraid that when I reach the finishing line there'll be nothing there. Just an open cliff and an endless void of nihility.

And worst of all, I'm afraid this isn't happening. That this is all a dream. That I am the copy of a copy. That the real me is out there somewhere. That if, and when, I return home, I'll find that there's another me sitting there, living a life. With my family. A family that's not mine, because it never was. Because I never was.

I'm scared I'm living a lie. I'm scared this will all end tomorrow and I won't even get the chance to wake up. I'm afraid this ....I think this whole world, my reality is not real.

I have long suspected it.

Hell, I'm damn near sure of it. That this world is a fanfiction. Written by some fat, sweaty, neckbeard who lives in his mother's basement. Posted on one of those forums or shitty fanfic sites. I'm afraid of the big hand in the sky. I'm afraid that this could end today, tomorrow, now. Anytime. Maybe his views drop or he loses motivation or maybe he just gets tired of it all.

And I'm afraid it ends there. With ny shitty personality I can't even hope to get a sequel, fuck! Just like that, one day, my cruel, monster of a creator stops writing and closes the chapter on my existence. Just like that." I snapped my fingers.

"And I have no choice in the matter. No control over my life. No option but to go peacefully into the long night. And it scares me. Maybe it's just my paranoia. Maybe I'm wrong. But I know I'm not. A voice within me tells me so.

And I curse that creator. That cruel sadistic fuck.

Why give me this knowledge?

Why give me this understanding?

This intelligence?

Just to see me suffer? To see me shake in my boots?

Are you not entertained?!" I cackled madly,

"Smite me already, you fucking coward!

Kill me and be done with it." I panted, my throat dry, hives breaking out over my skin.

I rushed to the coat and pulled out my mega seed flask, downing it's contents as the cold but familiar embrace of logic and the safety it provided washed over the flames of fear, dousing them.

I took heavy breaths and leaned back onto the wall as the bonds fell off my hands, the rope undone.

One part of the spell was done.

"I hate this spell." I replied coldly, turning to Yue.

"Go on now." I urged her, the logical side of me taking over, "I want some answers. Clear and concise. Give it to me straight. I can be surprisingly dense on occassion. Tell me. Do you want to stay with me? Yes or no. I must know. Am I wasting my time here? Do you want to leave?

If you choose to leave I will not hold it against you, trust me on that. Just say the word and-"

"And leave? To go where, Jay?! Where do you think I will go?

You have your wives, your kids, a family to look forward to and a home to come back to." She teared up, "I have nowhere to go, no family to look forward to, no home to return!

I have nothing, Jay. I have nothing!

My uncle killed my parents in the coup and by now, even if he hadn't, they wouldn't have survived! I am all alone in this world." She sniffled, as she curled herself up in a ball.

Normally it would have pulled at my heartstrings, and to some degree it did, but there was one more emotion on the forefront. Doubt.

"So you're here with me not because you want to be but because you have no choice? If you had the choice would you leave me in an instant?

Why, that is such great news!" I snarked.

"I wouldn't." She gave me a hateful look, "And you know it, Jay." Her gaze softened, "You are all I have. You are the one who saved me from the labyrinth. You are the one who gave me a new name, a new life. You are my home, Jay. You are my everything. If I was offered the world tomorrow I wouldn't leave you for it. Not for a chance to return to the past, not for ultimate power."

"Then why do all this? Why .....you almost tore our relationship apart for what? I just don't understand? Why are you so angry?"

"Because I love you, with all my heart. And all I have ever wanted was for you to love me back. For anyone to love me, truly. For who I am!" She hiccuped, ugly crying, "I was a princess you know? I had suitors, men and kings, from all around the world. All seeking my hand. But the moment they saw me, I could see it in their eyes, I could almost gear their thoughts.

She's just a child. A kid. So small and fragile and innocent. So naive. They though they could manipulate me to their own ends. I saw their greed and lust for power. But I never saw love. Not for me. Past their honeyed words and courtly courtesy there was no love for me. And suddenly they all looked so ugly to me. I couldn't stomach the thought of marrying them. More came and more were rejected. No one saw me, the real me inside this childlike body. No one treated me like I was a person. Someone of my own. No one until you. You came to me. You saved me from the abyss. You gave me a home. A place to belong. And in your eyes I saw for the first time, respect. You treated me like I was a person. You saw me. The real me. And you didn't try to trap me with flattery. You were straightforward. Truthful. You asked not for my kingdom or gold or power.

Only loyalty. Only me.

In your eyes I saw love for the first time. When you kissed my forehead, when you hugged me to sleep after I had a nightmare, when you thanked me for worrying about you.

When I have your hand in mine I feel this warmth bubble up in my chest and when I see you smile it's like the world lights up for me. And I don't want to lose that. To lose you.

And so it hurt. It hurt when you changed me, without my knowledge, without my consent into....that. Into what you wanted-"

"I did it because I thought it was what you wanted to be. I thought you wanted to grow up. I thought I was helping you." I explained my side, "I didn't think you would -"

"And that's why it hurts, Jay." She winced, "That's why I'm angry. The fact that it never even occurred to you that what I wanted was for you to love me for who I was inside. Not for my body, but despite it.

I wanted true love.

Because when you did that, all I could think was how this was what you wanted. What you would love. Someone that was not me. How you didn't love me for being ...this. That I was unworthy of love, cursed by this childlike body."

"Yue. I'm sorry you felt that way. But I never meant for that to happen, promise." I assured her, caressing her face and wiping her tears away.

Yue looked up at me and nodded.

"I know. But I want an answer too. Today. I want to hear it from you, Jay. I love you. With all my life. I belong with you. I know it. I'm the happiest when I'm with you. I have never felt this way ever before. And I want to know. Do you love me?"

"I..uh..." I looked at her and sighed.

"Then tell me you hate me." Yue immediately added.

"Tell me you don't love me."

That is not fair, Yue!

"I...fuck it." I leaned forward and pulled Yue into a kiss.

"Uhn!?" Yue gave as her ropes fell apart and the spell was complete.

"Yue." I said, "I love you. Just the way you are."

My emotional side was going to hate me for this but it wasn't as if that indecisive idiot was going to confess his true feelings for her.

Sometimes he does need...a helping hand.

"And I'm sorry for what I did. I'm sorry I couldn't say it before. I'm a bit of a coward. And paranoid. And dense. But that's something I cannot, will not change. Because that is who I am. And of you'll still have me-"

This time Yue was the aggressor as she pushed me down onto the floor and planted a deep kiss on my lips.

"I will." She said with a smile that shone brighter than the sun, a lovely blush coloring her face, matching the beautiful red of her eyes.

She cupped my face in her hands as she straddled me.

"Yue, let's not-"

She put a finger on my lips and kissed me again, her hands roaming my body and I tried to warn her.

But she wasn't in a listening mood.

Until ...

Crack!

Her body twitched.

Then so did mine as the spell activated.

"Uwegh!"

She spat put a feather as her body reverted in on itself and mine twisted feathers sprouting out from all over me.

In an instant we were humans no more. And two geese flew off from the roof, single-mindedly heading south.

______________________

3300 words!

That took a while to write.

And the drama ends.

MC confesses, so does Yue.

Waifu no. 3 confirmed!

Next time, Mayakovsky.

Extra chapter at 400 powerstones!

Tell me what you think of this chapter?

I have some doubts, that's all.

Thanks for reading.

Bye~