What's a Little Cannibalism Between Friends?

My "fortune" turns out to be a quest for a teenage tengu named Dina, who is apparently a lazy slacker and therefore needs my help to finish her chores.

I mean, the game didn't come right out and say all that, exactly, but I'm calling it like I see it.

Anywho, now I'm scrambling around, climbing giant trees to collect eggs from random bird nests so Ditzy Dina can cook up dinner omelettes for her fam tonight.

I really should be focusing more on the task at hand, considering the damn girl didn't give me anything to carry the eggs in, and these absolute trash Beginner Trousers don't have pockets, and climbing was a real struggle for a lot of players back in the beta...

...buuuut, all I can think about is, like, hey, aren't tengu part-bird hybrids? Isn't this creepy and maybe borderline cannibalistic?

But then, who am I to judge?

I shrug, then keep right on judging anyway, like the shamelessly hypocritical human I am.

Thoughts swirling in morbid fascination, I hardly notice that I'm completing what should be a near-impossible task with the natural climbing grace of a panther ninja.

Naruto who, mothafuckaa?

I snag the final three eggs from a nest nearly 60 meters off the ground. The branches of this tree are more spread apart, so it'll be a pain to clamber down one-handed. I lift my shirt and tie off the eggs into the fabric.

I do not pause to flex and check out my killer avatar abs, because only narcissistic losers would do that. Obviously.

...

In a flash, I'm leaping limb to limb, descending at breakneck speed. About 10 meters from the ground, I kick off the trunk, lightly clutching the wrapped eggs, and backflip to land in front of Dina.

She yawns and holds out her basket. "Took you long enough."

She speaks in that distinctive voice unique to people who have never worked a day in their lives because they've always found someone else to foist their responsibilities onto.

Half-bored, half-whiny, 100% self-entitled bitch.

Since I'm assuming there's no room to shove the eggs up her ass, given the giant stick that's already taken up residence, I really want to break the eggs over her perfectly-styled blonde head.

But I don't.

Boom. Look at that character growth right there.

Instead, I gently place them into the basket and wait for the telltale chime of my quest completion alert—

*Chime!*

—then I 'accidentally' knock the entire basket of eggs out her hands.

The satisfying *splaaaaaattt* as three dozen eggs smash into a mossy boulder is music to my petty, pointed ears.

Completely ignoring Dina's irate screeching, I saunter away to read my notification.

[Quest Complete! You completed {Dina's Egg-cellent Errand} in 07:26. Pass Time: 32:00]

[Quest Success Rating: S – Unlock Chain Quest!]

[Quest Reward: You have gained Foundation Skill: Climb (Basic)]

[Climb (Basic): For when you wish you were taller. Engages auto-find for hand- and foot-holds; +8% movement bonus when scaling trees, ladders, and craggy rocks, based on Agility and equipment bonuses. Consumes Stamina.]

I'm at once super pumped to test out this movement bonus and super bummed I'm probably going to have to talk to Dina again.

Sighing, I turn to head back, only to walk right into Dina's sharp right hook.

"Fuck! Don't girls like you usually slap?"

"Hardly. That wouldn't leave a mark," she scoffs, daintily rubbing her knuckles.

I check out the chunk of HP she took out with that punch, and I have to hand it to her; she definitely left a mark.

I rub my sore jaw. "Damn. I'm kinda impressed."

Her not-sore jaw drops. "Huhh?"

"Don't get me wrong. I'm pissed, too. Royally. But that was a solid punch. I didn't think you had it in you."

"Had what in me?"

I gesture like it's obvious. "You know. The ability to work. Or even lift your hand that high."

She glares and huffs, offended.

I cut her off before she can deliver what I can only imagine is a primo 'Let me speak to your manager'-level tirade: "That move clearly had hours of practice behind it."

Her mouth clicks shut, eyes bright in surprise. She nods. "Years, actually. My father's been training me in martial arts since before I could fly."

"Your father?" I ask, before I can think about how weird this entire conversation is. What is up with the devs, giving this much backstory to a rando NPC?

Dina pulls a glass vial out of a pocket hidden in the lacy folds of her dress—and okay, wtf, how come her frilly dress has pockets but my pants don't?—and hands over a red Health potion.

As I pop the stopper and take a swig, she answers, "Yes, you've met him right? Chief Tarabu."

If it were not ingrained in me to never waste a free potion, I would have comically spit that red juice everywhere.

Instead, I choke it down in one huge gulp before comically yelling, "Chief Tarabu is your DAD?!" super loudly.

The awkward silence that follows my outburst is eventually broken by a gentle tinkling sound as the now-empty Health vial disintegrates into fragments of blue opalescent light. Viren's Refuge is a waste-free reality.

"Uh. Yes?" Dina answers hesitantly. "Is that a problem?"

"No," I squeak out, thanking the gods that it's truly not. I clutch my chest, SO GLAD I didn't succumb to my desire to shove an egg anywhere near or up the Village Chief's daughter.

"He's kinda ancient, though, isn't he?" I say, again going with the whole judging thing.

"Yes, Father is entering the prime of his elder cycle. That's why I will likely always remain the youngest, last-born child." She sighs. "It's quite vexing, to always be seen as the baby. My thirteen older siblings always treat me like a child. As do all three of Father's wives."

Dayumnnnn Tarabu, you dirty dude. Get it.

Honestly, this explains a lot about this chick. No wonder she's used to people fawning over her and doing whatever she asks.

Also explains why she needed 36 eggs for one dinner.

Speaking of... "Listen, Dina, since I, uh, accidentally ruined your dinner plans, is there another, perhaps related, task I could do to make it up to you?"

A chill runs down my spine at the speculative Cheshire-Cat smile Dina gives me. "Why yes, in fact! If you could do this one, teensy-tiny quest for me, you would be my Hero!"

Somehow, when she says it, "hero" sounds an awful like "deadmeat dupe."

Suddenly I remember that it was only like two minutes ago that she sucker-punched me in the jaw.

*Chime!*

[Chain Quest {Eggs in the Eyrie} Activated!]

[Warning: Failure to complete this mandatory quest will result in penalty.]

Shit. "All right, tell me what I need to do."

She claps her hands in glee. "It's simple! There is this one extra special nest, hiding atop a little cliff, that holds enough eggs to feed my entire family. And legend says the eggs have special properties for tengu. If you bring me enough, you can join us for dinner and taste it yourself!"

She smiles and winks, all cheerful-like.

I frown and groan, all wretched-like.

Sighhhh.

I'm definitely going to die.