Chapter 14: First love

I guess this letter I wrote for my parents has to wait, I am starting to see some change so let me not be too hard on them. I do not know why I am still awake at this time, I should be resting but since I have no sleep at all let me start packing up my things. I am leaving for Cape Town in 2 days and I have not started putting away my things.

I started with the shelf that I put all my high school memory collections, I have always thought that this is just another clichè moment that is used in American high school movies but this does happen if you value memories. You could create an amazing book, file, or even shelf like me where you just do you. You put things that are going to remind you of all your loved ones and how far you have come in terms of your achievements. You could put all your favorite celebrities, songs, or even movies and I always say that I would rather die with free possessions I acquired by myself at a young age than die with nothing at all.

While choosing which of the things I would love to take along with me to campus I came across an old memory of my ex and me. We dated each other our entire high school years until he finished school before me and disappeared. The last day I saw him was him was on New Year in 2019, now it is the beginning of 2021 and I still have not heard from him. He wrote me a letter before he left, he gave it to me when I was with him on New Year and that is what I am holding now...the same letter that left me completely broken. The letter read :

" The mind, I wish at least a soul understood me. You were always one to listen, why do you remain so perfect for me. Time. It does not seem to be moving, just a taste of you would sweep me off of my feet but I want to wait. My soul is wandering around the solar system. I am unable to make sense of who you are to me, are you a terrestrial person? did you come from the sky falling? You have always been here to guard my existence to make sure I feel alive when I did not want to be. I hope to be in contact with you once more my supernatural person. Forgive me, I know I have been the hardest to love.

-anonymous " tears came dripping down my cheeks. I still do not understand what this letter means, I have been reading it for 2 years and I am unable to understand why there is no sign of goodbye in his words. He was a writer, well at least to me. He would write me these deep amazing paragraphs and leave me crying for more to read. He was like a brother, best friend, lover, and motivation to me. He practically taught me all I know, we grew up together. He's leaving me does not make sense because we were happy but I guess he got tired. He has always had this mystery about him, he wanted everything he does to remain anonymous like his name and his writing. Everyone called him anonymous except me, I called him by his name Jihan which means the universe in Hindi.

His name is actually what made me fall in love with the universe, his writing was also filled with so many unending aspects of the universe. I once asked him what he thinks the universe is composed of and he said Love, he said that the circle of life seems unfair to us humans but if you look at it...it is all Love. You live to die so that another can also experience life, this is the art that I can never begin to comprehend. No one seems to fully understand it, no one has answers and it is the same with Love too. We claim to feel it but it is so hard to explain or even understand.

After Jahin left I was completely shattered, my parents knew about him and I would say they were happy that he left because I do not think they liked him at all. My mom tried many times to get me to break up with him because he was 4 years older than me but I did not end things with him, so hearing the news of his disappearance must have surely made her happy.

Now that I am all grown up I am starting to notice that my parents think taking me to a good school, giving me a place to stay, buying me food and clothes is what they think raising a child properly is. I do not think they understand how damaged I am because of them, they have never supported my dreams, and anything or anyone that they saw made me happy. They thought me staying in the house with them and not having any friends was the best way to raise me but it was not because they hurt me. They do not and will never understand me.

Jahin helped me escape from my parents, he got me to talk to him about everything I felt and he made me feel safe.

One night when I was 16 I fought with my dad and he almost laid his hands on me but my mom stopped him. That was the day I finally had it with my parents, I decided to go out at midnight when they were sleeping. Jahin told me he was home alone and I needed to see him.

I got to his house and he opened the door for me. He was wearing grey sweatpants and had no shirt on. I almost choked on my breathe at how perfect he was, his body was well-toned because he worked out most of the time. The sweatpants he was wearing showed the huge bulge between his legs.

He pulled me inside the house and closed the door. My face hit his chest, I slowly pulled away to look at him when he suddenly started kissing me.