Chapter 75

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"Hey, Harry!" said Milo excitedly, running up to his partymember in their dorm room. It was the day before the holiday, and everyone was eagerly awaiting two weeks at home—everyone, that is, except Harry and Milo, who were staying.

"What's up?" Harry asked.

"Check this out," he said, holding up an ordinary-looking Hogwarts school uniform.

"You finally done tinkering with that thing?" Harry asked. "You said it would be done weeks ago."

"Yeah, well," Milo said, "feature creep, you know. And then there's all the detentions. Anyways, take this," Milo said, passing Harry the Cold Iron dagger that he kept in his magic belt.

"Why do you have a knife?"

"Okay," Milo said, practically bursting with excitement. "Now, stab it!"

"This is a pretty serious-looking knife."

"Never mind that, stab! Stabbity stab!"

"You carry this around all the time? I think that's against school rules."

"Oh, come on! Those wands are lethal weapons and they give them to eleven-year-olds, what's a Masterwork shiv here and there? Now stab!" Milo was bouncing on his heels.

"Is this like the time you threw a mug at me?"

"Exactly like that! This robe is practically made of Mage Armour!"

"Really?" Harry asked skeptically.

"No, not really. That's not how it works. But it's a simple enough lie that your unenlightened brain can handle it, now stab the robes!"

"Fine!" Harry stabbed them. Much to his surprise, the knife simply glanced off the garment as if it were made of hardened steel. Harry frowned, and stared at the knife.

"Eh? Eh?" Milo said. "What do you think? Cool, no? Totally ordinary Hogwarts uniform until Blam! I get attacked, and guess what? It's godsdamn invincible!"

"This must not be a very good knife," Harry said, ignoring Milo completely and staring at the dagger in his hand.

"And that's not all!" Milo said. "It gives me +1 Caster Level to Conjuration spells!"

"I mean, it can't even cut through an ordinary school uniform."

"That means a whole six more seconds of Hippogriff!"

"It looks sharp. I wonder if it's some sort of trick dagger?"

"Or ten feet more range to Glitterdust!"

"Or maybe you had a metal plate hidden in that robe?"

"That's a whole 20% more Caster Levels!"

"No, then I'd have still cut the robe... must be the knife."

"Or 60% more with the Arcanist's Gloves!"

"Maybe I should try and cut something else with it. That would tell me for sure if it was the knife or the robe."

"And that's not all! I added in Fire Resistance 5 as a custom bonus feature."

"I'll go test it on the curtain of my bed, maybe."

"So now it, and by extension, I, am fire-proof!"

"Well, it works on the bed, that's for sure."

"Well, maybe not fire-proof. More like fire resistant."

"Maybe I should test it on Ron's bed, too, just to be sure."

"But it's more than enough to make me very nearly safe against conventional fire! With this, I can walk into a burning building for up to, on average, six minutes! Or if the dice are against me, only seventy-two seconds before burning to death. But that's still pretty good!"

"Works on Ron's bed just as well as mine. Maybe the knife is exceptionally good at cutting curtains, but suboptimal on cutting robes. There's only one way to be sure."

"You know, I think, somehow, that I'm not getting through to you here."

"Well, it certainly seems capable of cutting Ron's spare robes."

"I'll go show Hermione," Milo said dejectedly. "She knows how to appreciate proper magic when she sees it."

"Fine, fine," Harry said distractedly. "I'll go visit Hagrid," Harry said finally. "He's been a bit down ever since Quirrell killed his dog."

To say that Hagrid was 'a bit down' was rather like saying the Elemental Plane of Water was 'a bit damp.' He'd been aimlessly wandering the halls in tears since Hallowe'en, bemoaning the loss of his beloved omnicidal tricephalous monstrosity. Milo shrugged and walked down the stairs into the Common Room.

True to form, Hermione was curled up on an armchair reading a thick, dusty old tome.

"Hey," said Milo. "Can I see that?"

"Hmmm?" Hermione asked absently, not looking up.

"Scholar's Touch," Milo muttered, tapping the book quickly.

"Hey!" Hermione said, pulling it away from him.

"Interesting," Milo said. "But, no matter how knowledgeable she is on the history of Goblin uprisings in Central Europe, she uses the word 'irregardless' twenty-four times. Just toss it in the fire like the kindling it is, would you?"

"Did you just come here to show off, or was there something else?" Hermione snapped.

"Actually, there was something. I need you to—hang on," Milo said, pulling on his robes. "Okay. I need you to light me on fire. See, my robes are—"

"Incendio," Hermione said, waving her wand in a complicated little pattern. A bright little jet of fire shot out of the tip of Hermione's wand, but dissipated as soon as it touched Milo's robes.

"I'm going to pretend that you waited for me to say 'my robes make me fire resistant' before you tried to immolate me," Milo said.

"I figured it was something like that," Hermione said absently. "Although, I had hoped otherwise. Don't touch my books."

"I'll try to keep that in mind."

Milo saw Hannah sitting in the corner, looking at him for some reason. As soon as he noticed her, she abruptly looked away. Well, there's weirdoes all over.

"Hey," Milo said, walking over to her. "Whatcha up to?"

"Just, uh, reading the Tales of Beedle the Bard," she said.

"It's upside-down," Milo said.

"What, really?" Hannah asked in alarm, glancing down at it. "No, it's not!"

"Nah, but you checked. Anyways, look, there was something I'd been meaning to ask you for a while, now," Milo said. He wasn't quite sure how to go about this.

"Yes?" Hannah asked, her heart beating rapidly.

"Well, it's about something I've sort of been wondering about with regards to you," he said. "Something I just can't figure out."

"Mmhmm?" Hannah said, not trusting herself to speak.

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