Phase 001

ELISE looked at her phone. She knew she can't keep pushing the issue aside. She needed to talk with her boyfriend. She's been in a long distance relationship for three years now. Well, one week short to three years. They just met in game. Honestly, she was swept by him. She never expected to be ready to love until she met him. He made her open the doors in her heart. And the rest was… she doesn't know what to think. Her mind was clouded with too much negative thoughts. For now, she felt that being in this kind of relationship drained the hell out of her. She started to question her self-worth. She questioned the world. She even stopped believing there's a God. She has religion, never was religious, but she never doubted there's someone above everyone. But now she doesn't believe God even exist.

She sighed. Maybe because no matter how hard she wished for God to meet him, even just once, He never gave that to her.

She shook her head. Enough of her self-pity talk with herself. She have to face the issue she have with her boyfriend. "I'm starting to think it really be better if you find someone else there. Better than me being a design gf." Her message contained.

This past week, aside from not talking at all and just passing each other memes. She must admit, they don't feel lovers anymore. It felt like they were just friends. There were times he doesn't even talk to her, but she knew, he was talking with someone else. No, she doesn't mean cheating with other girl. But it felt like he was giving all his time to his friends that he doesn't have space for her anymore. Just the thought of it kills her. Maybe she's in the wrong too. She didn't try to reach out to him. No, after three years of being in relationship with him, she was tired of pointing out what he does that for her he shouldn't. Or pointing how he should improve his treatment with her. Because at the end, she felt he should do it naturally. It was the case for her. Everything she does felt too natural when she let him in her life. He became priority. She would answer his messages whenever she can. She also started to make every plan she has include him. Or maybe what she did was wrong.

She doesn't even know. She had never loved like this. Maybe it's true that the third love would be the deepest love anyone would experience.

"I think we should talk, to be honest."

His message arrived a minute after hers. She gulped. Her heart was at her throat. She felt something bad would happen. Her surrounding started to feel dim even though it was still just past three in the afternoon. She waited for him to be done with his message as she saw him still typing.

"Sorry for being so distant lately," she had gone cold with that opening message. She wasn't imagining things. "Elise, you know I'm fine if you think we should take some time. To be honest, I think you could find someone. And that would be fine. I mean, right now, I cannot be with you or even be here at the chat. I suck, and right now, not giving you time. Not even playing with you. Not talking with you or anything. I know that maybe you feel this was a waste of time. And probably that's true. Sorry, I'm still at class."

Elise closed her eyes. She didn't want to look at the message. Her spacious room started to suffocate her. The hot room suddenly felt beyond zero degrees. She blames herself. It was her fault why he retorted with that kind of message. She was the one who started saying he could find someone else. Now, he is saying she should find someone else. It hurts. She didn't even want to read the message anymore. But she knows she have to reply. She knows she have to let the message sink in.

Why did we come to this, Tom? She thought. But knew she can't answer that question.

Elise opened her eyes, tears were blinding her. She blinked to see clearer. She bit her trembling lips and reread the message that was tearing her heart. She reread it many times just to let it sink. "Have fun." She messaged him back. It was the only thing she could say even though there were so many things she wanted to say to him. It was so heartbreaking. His message was like asking for breakup. And she didn't know how to reply back to that.

"That's all?" he asked with a sad emoticon.

Elise bit her lips harder. Not caring if it hurts. Her heart hurts far worse than her lips. She took a deep breath. Trying to calm herself. At least, she could act cool with this. She can do this. "Well, seems you have already decided. What more should I say? And to be honest, I think you're too busy for talk. Let's just end it and be over it." She doesn't even care if he could understand her with her redundant words. She was too hurt at this moment. For real, she just want the talk to be over. Because every word they gave to each other slices through her. She was a coward running away from further pain.

"I haven't decided anything, yet. That's why I'm asking." Tom replied, again with a sad emoticon.

At that point, she was too hurt to even formulate right sentences so she just quoted his previous messages. "That. And that." Pertaining to the message where he said she could find someone else and of a waste of time. "There was no question in any of your messages." She added.

"Sorry I sound like a fag. But I didn't know what to say. Those are my feelings. I know I'm doing it all wrong. What you want me to say or what you think. Sorry for just throwing my shit."

Again, she blocked out. So, that was what he was feeling… the thought broke her to many pieces. It was amazing how she could feel broken inside when she is still whole sitting in her chair. He really felt like breaking up, then. For her, that's what he was saying. She doesn't know if she was right. But pushing the topic feels like she would be pulverized to dust. So, she decided to ask a different question.

"Let's make this simple. Do you really love me? No lies or no answer of thinking about responsibility?"

Because in her opinion, he was just staying with her because of responsibility. How come he doesn't talk to her like before, when he kept talking to someone else? When she knows he spends his time with others when he doesn't even give her a nick of his time. When he start laughing for others when she can barely make his world bright. When he seem to start moving on with her when she's still stuck trying to get his attention. It felt he was cheating on her when all she could think is him. Maybe her mindset is wrong, but she's far too hurt to think clear.

"Yes, I do, for real," he said after some minutes that felt like eternity. "Sorry for the late reply. Was walking back home, just arrived. And well, sorry for real. I really love you. Don't even doubt it. But for real, I feel like I keep failing you a lot."

Elise let go of her trembling lips. All her hurt were paused for a while. "To be honest, I feel like some of your side chick. Or maybe just a design gf. Just here to say that you have gf." She hates herself for not being able to describe clearly how she felt. She hopes he could just understand her.

But for real, she felt like she was just there to be a trophy, or some design. She's not doing anything or she can't do anything a real girlfriend should be doing. Being in long distance relationship has too few options to show they are in relationship. She wanted to be there for him. She wanted to support him, she wanted to understand him more. But it felt like there's a fog in between them. They're relationship is like that. And at the moment, she won't even be surprised if he tells her she was a side-chick and he have a real girlfriend. In all honesty, she just wanted him to assure her she wasn't.

He replied with another sad emoticon.

"I know for a fact that you won't include me in your priority. And saying otherwise makes you sound like just lying."

It was the hard truth. She doesn't want to be top one or top two on his priority. Not even top five. She just wanted to be included in his priority. But no, he has too many priority that she doesn't have space on it. She couldn't blame him. How could she? She just came in to his life when he has already plans for his own. But she would be happy to just be in his top ten list. But maybe, that was asking for too much, right?

"I'm not going to saying it. I would even admit that I suck, because I can't do it the more I try it. I'm being honest, sorry for real."

And the start button got hit. All the pain is back again, multiplying than before. "You and I can't blame me for doubting if you really love me. Your action most of the time contradict what you say." Because she was hurt beyond imagination, she replied without even thinking of the consequence her words have. She was in the point of hurt where she wanted to hurt him back. It was dark and not right, but she hit the enter button before she could even think at all.

Tears pour down her eyes endlessly, as if it has no limit. She wanted to get mad at him. She wanted to question if he really did try. How can someone doesn't know priority? For her, he became priority the moment she let him enter her life. For her, she always include him in her plans. For her, he was always there even though they have half-world apart of them. She had so much plan. Just how…

She smiled bitterly thinking about why she started the conversation. She wanted to talk about their plan. She wanted to ask if he was willing to be side by side regarding financial status. And since she was older than him, she won't require him to contribute that much. She knew how expensive college would be. He could just give any spare he could if they create a joint account. But if they make a joint account, she would be motivated to save for them. And since it would be joint, it would be their fund so they could meet. Was she an idiot thinking that far ahead?

Maybe he really didn't love her. He's just thinking he did. She had been there. She was so excited to be in love she fooled herself of being in love. But love doesn't work like that. And maybe… maybe he never really loved her. He was just in love with the idea that he loves her.

"Yeah, I know and I suck because of it." He replied.

Elise kept shaking her head. That was the only thing he can say. She's tired. Tired of even trying. "And to be honest, I've accepted that no matter what we try, it would be always like this." Her hopes dimmed.

"That's why I told you that maybe you wanted to take some time and well, sorry,"

Her world stopped when he brought that again. He really wanted them to end this. That's for sure. She felt bitter. Yes, she's tired. But there's a tiny part of her that still wanted to try. But it was slowly dying. The light was blinking close to extinction.

"I know I'm a piece of crap. What else could I be."

"Stop belittling yourself. It's just… that maybe, I'm not the one for you." She replied with a heavy heart. She need to accept that. That message was more for her than him.

"I cannot blame you for anything since everything has been my fault. And you know it. I know it at least. I'm too immature for you. To be honest."

"If no matter what you try, It's still the same. Then probably, I'm the problem. I'm not helping you to improve. I'm just not the right person for you."

"You're not the fault, to be honest. I could give you time, but because I'm an idiot, I preferred to be selfish and spent it alone. Being honest, if you dump me, I wouldn't blame you. I would probably do the same if I dated some faggot like me. To be honest, I would never blame you. You are an excellent gf. I'm just an idiot."

"Relationship is two person. So, if it fail, both of us failed." She just said. She became numb with pain already. All his word. Everything he say, it was just leading to breakup. He's not saying it straight, but he wants a breakup. All people could blame her if she misinterpreted it. But it was too much. His words… his actions… it seems to fit. He wanted to be free of her. Her head was full of negative thoughts, her heart was full with heavy spikes; crushing and poking her heart at the same time.

"It was all my fault and we know it."

"So, what do we do? Avoid the problem again?"

"No. So, tell me what you want to do. I for real want to hear you."

She sighed. She still want to try. She might be a fool. Maybe a masochist. But she wanted to give him another option. Maybe she's just imagining that he wants breakup. "If we want to continue this, do we have a plan? What is the goal of this? What are we for each other? I'm tired of just go with the flow, because nothing happens with the flow. And to be honest, we don't give each other emotional support. I for instance, closed myself to you because whenever I want to open up, you brush it off as some emo-drama. I don't want to open to you anymore. And to be honest, I feel that you also closed yourself to me at some point."

She became hopeful. Maybe she could tell him about her plans about them if he shares his plan. They could make this work. Together. And maybe, this time, they could be more open with each other. Maybe they could jump the fog by understanding each other. At least, she wanted to understand him.

"Sorry. I just don't know what to say. For real."

She felt like a bomb. She just exploded. Last hope of her, vanished. "Let's just stop trying then." She said firmly.

"I don't want to stop. But if that's what you want."

"Please, don't put it on me." She couldn't believe it. How dare he put it on her? It was unbelievable. Or was it really her fault?

"No, no. I'm not putting it at you. But if you don't want. Why I should bother to even try it? I'm not that kind of guy that would try to stop you of trying some you want. And you know it. If you want to dump me, do it. It's fine. I'll live with it. I got many good experience from this, not sure if it was the same for you, but seems I was just a fail."

Elise didn't even know what she should feel first. "I just gave us option… and you say you don't know what to say… that's not even trying. Don't tell me you are trying when you are not."

"Okay, for real, I want to continue. But I feel like you're pushing me to."

"To what?"

"To say I don't want to. Told you already I want to continue, I've got no problem. I, for real, love you."

"Because you seem uninterested." At this point, she won't be surprised if he was just browsing something on net or just listening to music.

"I said that I want to. But I'm not going to change your mind, for real. You know I want you to choose what you really want. I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to. I hate myself because I feel like I'm forcing you to do stuff you don't want. I, for real, want to try but you know whatever I say, I keep failing."

"Let me ask again… do we have a plan?"

"Dunno. To be honest. I don't even have plan for myself. And sorry for it. But I'm not a person who makes plans. I want to get a job, get some money and go there. Or you come here. But I suck at it."

Her mind went blank. He… doesn't… have… a plan… was she that worthless? That he doesn't even want to plan anything for her? She was too heartbroken beyond imagination.

"To be honest, I, too, want to try. But you don't have a plan. And staying in a relationship with no plans would just suffocate me," suffocate the hell out of me. She couldn't add that. "Let's just end it. Sorry. But I'm not fine with relationship without any plans. That's no relationship for me. It's more like a friendship you can come and go." She doesn't even know if her metaphor makes sense. She was too hurt to think.

"Okay, Elise. It's fine, thanks for all."

And just like that, her three year relationship came to an end. Even his last message seem uninterested. Maybe he really did found someone else. She shook her head. She should stop thinking negatively about him. She should remember him as a good guy who love her.

She cried her heart out that afternoon. Wishing every pain she felt would just disappear in the morning.