THOUGHTS AND DREAMS.

This can't be. I must be dreaming. I go back to the door and walk back to the wardrobe and check the hole again. Unbelievable. Who could have done this? I remember leaving this here before leaving. It should be right here, just here.

Sweat trickles down my throat into my shirt. This can't be happening right now! How am I supposed to raise all that money all over again? Not with this chicken change we're paid here, where the hell am I supposed to raise that money.

I walk to the dresser and in a fit of rage, shove everything off the table and slam my fist into the mirror at my fucking reflection but it only makes me appear in five cracks that appear in it, making it feel like I'm in a mirror house. Taunting me further.

Oh lord, why does this always have to me? I didn't just lose the money but the documents also. Anytime I feel I've gotten a hold of something, it just slips away like it was never there. Then, with the self loathing, came the crush of emotions. I don't know what's wrong with my emotions, but since I got this new body, I've been feeling everything a level too high. When I'm angry, I feel it so much, then when I'm sad, it comes in too hard too. I don't even realise a tear fell out of my eyes till I felt something wet on my cheeks. I'm a failure and I'm fucked up. For a second, I feel God left me to love tonight just to make me suffer this hurt this pain because this definitely surpasses death.

The idea of not winning, of loosing something you're trying so hard to have a hand over, control over. I slump against the wall and sink slowly to the floor with my head in my hands. This is me going back to zero. Nothing. I'm back to stage one. I don't even know who took the documents. I tug at my hair and let the pain roll through my body. What do I do now? All the plans I thought I had made to get to the next step quickly fizzles out before me and I can't even believe it.

Stop sulking girl, think!

Yes Sasha, think. Fucking think. I stare up at the plain ceiling and wait for my mind to pump out words, to say something, make suggestions like it always does but nothing comes. Just pure darkness and void. God Amy, how do I fulfill our biggest dreams of running out of here? I don't care about the contract anymore, perhaps I'm not supposed to avenge anything that's happened in my life after my father left. Perhaps it's a lost cost, but Amy deserves to leave here. She's been hit because of me, scolded, just because of me, so I owe her that freedom and I'll make sure of that. I don't care about the documents anymore or about father. Now, my top priority is to get Amy and I freedom and it starts now.

I rearrange the clothes and move everything back to where they were. I take a cold shower and return to the room. I stare at my reflection in the cracked mirror and take in my appearance. From my wet hair to my mismatched eyes and down my nose to my beautiful proportioned lips. I stare back at ny mismatched eyes and there's not denying the rage in them. I think I'm calm… I feel I'm calm but there's rage in my eyes. Anger. Disappointment. My eyes give away my confusion, my hurt, it gives away the innner me trying so hard to get through this storm.

I lay in my bed and close my eyes as I allow myself relax in hopes of making better decisions before morning. Time's ticking and letting it go by without any plan is dangerous for my situation.

Where am I going to find that money?

Think Sasha! Think! Think like Adina!

Adina. Think like Adina. What will Adina do now? What will Rosanna tell Adina to do right now?

Rosanna

The Bulls

Yes, the Bulls. That's it. The bulls. Ugh! Why didn't I think of this before?

My money. The one I had saved while I was with her. She won't be able to find that money and I could use it. But how am I going to get that at Frayser? It's a long long drive away from here, so how am I going to get it?

I think the most important question is how am I going to leave here unoticed for about 6 hours? Oh Lord. And even more important than the previous, how am I going to get there? I don't have a car and I can't use anyone's and I know I can't take the bus without getting unoticed by anyone.

Then even if I'm able to get to Frayser? How am I going to get into Rosanna and I's room without getting noticed or caught? Oh fuck me. I groan and lean against the headboard. This is more complicated than I thought.

Why do I always find myself amongst anything complicated? Oh heavens.

If I leave here and I get caught, I might get killed or punished. I might even lose out on a salary but that will be fine if only I'm able to get that money from Rosanna's. I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. I'll need Amy to cover up for me, but I'll not want her to know where I'm going. I don't want her to know we lost the money.

I yawn tiredly.

Maybe morning. Maybe morning I'd have had a better plan and a final decision.

***

I run through the forests, barefoot, trying to hide from the three people chasing me. I don't know why they keep finding me anytime I felt I've hidden safely in these woods. I step into thorny bushes not minding how they prick at me, I just run. Fear is propelling me to run. Save myself. I don't know my wrong but all I know is I've got to run. They scream my name and mock me. They call me stupid and for a second, I feel I'm Adina again because I'm not fighting but no, I'm still Sasha. That makes me wonder why Sasha is not fighting . My emotions are heightened, I don't even realise I've got tears falling from my eyes while running. These faceless people won't let me go till they have what they want. I slip on the wet thorny grass and fall hard to the floor. Pain radiates through my body and I bite my tongue to stop me from shouting. My skin is bruised with beads of blood all over. I try to get up and continue my run, my escape but they catch up with me, then I realise, they're floating in the air. They were floating all this while. I also realise they could catch me and tell where I'm going to hide because they could sense me and they enjoyed my fear. I try to speak but I feel gagged. Then out of no where, the smallest of them all fires a gun and it is right through my heart. Then simultaneously, I find my voice and it's a hoarse cry. A loud, No.

"Noooooooo!" I jolt from my bed, wet with sweat and pain. Tears fill my eyes and the fear I felt in my dream wash over my body. I shudder violently.

I check my heart to make sure it's beating and it is, thudding loudly in my chest. I'm alive and it's just a dream. I look around the room and no one's in there, it's just me. The room radiates with morning light and I realise it dawn. A cork crows confirming its morning.

I sit up in the bed and try to calm myself down. This is the second time I've felt I'm going to be killed and I have this feeling it's a warning. First it was physical, now in my dreams. Time's ticking so I'm starting the fight now, once again.