Too Difficult To Love

Helena was woken up by the chirps and tweets of the birds at dawn. It was a beautiful way to start a day, but the sting in her heart remained when he thought about Arthur. With the latter in her mind, she looked to where his tent was, and it was still dark, which was unlikely because he was an early bird.

It was 4:40 in the morning when she checked her wristwatch. She meditated to clear her head and did her morning yoga before facing the day and whatever it may bring.

Once she felt refreshed, Helena unzipped her tent with hesitation. She immediately went on boiling water for her morning coffee with no sign of Arthur coming out. She took a few steps forward and peeked into Arthur's tent. However, it was still dark, and no sign of him was around, which filled her heart with dread.

She spotted a paper on the table as she returned to make her coffee. Her heart sank when she opened it; she recognized the familiar handwriting of Arthur. She began reading it.

"Helena, baby, I know that my sudden disappearance must have shocked you. I am so sorry for running away like this; I had no other way to keep you safe from the danger threatening us.

I should have been honest with you about it from the start, which is why I deserve your anger and hurt. But please believe me when I say my feelings for you are genuine and only grow stronger day by day. It pains me to think of how much I have hurt you. I never wanted to dig up old wounds, but that is precisely what happened. Still, I never wanted to leave you this way and make you feel abandoned. Please try not to worry about me; just take care of yourself. Know that I love you."

Helena's heart was pounding in her chest as she read the note repeatedly. She felt like her whole world had ended like an eclipse had suddenly plunged San Antonio into darkness. Arthur had left her, and she had no idea if he'd ever come back to San Antonio again. Her legs were weak and trembling. She collapsed onto the ground and sobbed.

Tears cascaded down her cheeks, and her mouth was agape as if she was trying to say something, but no sound would come out. Her eyes stared blankly into the distance, replaying the memories of her and Arthur in her mind.

Helena stares intently at the note as if searching for answers to her questions. Tears fill her eyes, and she can feel her heart breaking in her chest. The letter in her hands seems to blur, and the memories of what happened with Israel flood her mind again. It was almost the same as what Arthur did. He left her.

She was silent in grief, the only sound being her stilted breathing and muffled cries. The campsite was still and quiet as if the world had stopped for this moment of pain and sorrow.

After a while, Helena gathered her strength to get up and walked around the campsite to clear her head and hopefully find answers. As she walked, she couldn't help but think about the letter Arthur left for her. It was a confusing mix of emotions that she couldn't quite decipher. He lied to her, and she didn't know if she could trust him again yet; she was hurt he left.

The sun was now rising on the horizon, casting a warm glow illuminating the woods. Helena wandered, her thoughts consuming her. Until she walked towards the river and sat down on a nearby riverbank. She looked out onto the water and took in the serene surroundings.

She could picture herself naked with Arthur on top of her, passionately kissing her lips. His broad shoulders loomed over her. She closed her eyes, feeling his chest against hers and feeling safe in the strength he offered. Their bodies were moist; they had swum in the river before making love, their skins now slick with river water and sweat. Everything they did on the riverbank was vivid in her mind, and she couldn't shake the thought away; it kept repeating like a broken tape.

Helena found tears streaming down her face. As she gazed into the river, she saw a faint reflection of herself. Her eyes were red and puffy from crying, and her hair was messy. She looked like a complete wreck. She shook her head and tried to compose herself, taking deep breaths to calm her racing heart.

She pressed her hand to her forehead and let out a deep sigh. The thought of being left alone again was almost too much to bear. She tried to convince herself that she was better off without anyone, but the truth was she longed for someone to share her life with. As she gazed into the murky water, the faces of two men who had abandoned her flooded her mind once more. Israel and Arthur were both the same; they were forced to leave to protect her. It's always her fault. Maybe she was just too difficult to love and too weak that they had to protect her.

The thought of being alone forever made her feel sick to her stomach. But what choice did she have if every man who came close to her ended up leaving? Or worse, dead like what Israel did.

The idea of getting lost consumed her thoughts. Would anyone care if she disappeared? Gabby might be sad, but she had her own life and would move on eventually. She was always the one to adapt and find new friends quickly. And yet, despite trying to brush off the pain of being forgotten, it still gnawed at her insides like a parasite, slowly eating away at any hope for happiness.

She knew she needed to change something to break this never-ending cycle of heartbreak and abandonment, but what could she do when she felt so empty and broken inside? It was easier to wallow in self-pity than to face the harsh reality that maybe she needed to work on herself first.

As she stared into the water, tears streaming down her face, she realized that maybe she didn't deserve love at all. Helena wiped her tears, stood up, and stepped into the water. This may be the only solution to her problem. She wanted to end every pain she had ever felt. The cold water rushed around her ankles, sending shivers up her spine. She took another step forward, the water rising up to her knees.

Helena's gaze is drawn to a memory of Israel and Arthur, their bright eyes alive with joy as they laughed and hugged her. Their faces look illuminated, surrounded by a halo of light that makes them seem untouchable.